Single and living with MBC

[Hotlantaphatz]

I would like to date while fighting, striving and trying to survive cancer. Nothing serious but I am interested in meeting a gentleman for great companionship. You know, go to a movie, dinner, jazz, etc. When I inventory all that breast cancer brings with it (mastectomy, treatments, mouth sores from the treatments, joint pain, I could go on forever). But last but not least atrophic vaginitis from the lack of estrogen in body!!! Ouch!! When I think of all of this stuff, I say to myself “who wants to be bothered with this”. My ex husband didn’t want it. Operative word EX! I am fearful of the dating sites ; with my luck I might meet the Dating site KILLER! Lol! I would love to hear your experiences, thoughts etc. Stay strong ladies.

[purplelikep]

Hey there. I don't have much in terms of advice but I'm also interested in the topic. I think we are very much lacking support or guidance in this area. I'm 35 and never married. Pretty much always been single. I had hoped for a family and children but cancer definitely threw a wrench in that. I'd like to meet someone someday still so I dabble in the apps as I feel you must in my age group (mostly Hinge) but haven't been on a date since my MBC diagnosis in 2021 because it seems so daunting. I've gone back and forth on the idea of adding cancer to my profile but I haven't done that ultimately. I'm mostly trying to meet people in public but it's not easy. Best of luck to you.

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to purplelikep]

Hey girl, I do understand. I would like to hear others experiences as well. I do there are sites that are legit with people who want the same companionship as I do. I am listening…..

[Melpub]

Hey, me too! I'm widowed and 65. The vagina problem: There's this great stuff, Deumavan! Best grease I ever tried. I'm in Germany, and not sure it's available elsewhere, but that stuff works. To be used daily, even if you're not enjoying yourself with a partner or alone, just to keep the area comfortable. More when there's any activity going on. I go to the gym and to dance classes; I read, write, get clothes I imagine I look cute in, and hope for the best. I don't know about dating sites--I may or may not use them, but classes and meet ups would be my first try. I like a dating advice site called new direction dating run by a very nice and wise woman named Robyn.

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Melpub]

Cool advice. Just what my gynecologist said about the lube.

[PJBinMI]

Maybe I have just been fortunate to have women oncs and gynecologists as they have prescribed compounded testosterone cream to put in my vagina daily to help minimize shrinking and dryness from the anti estrogen meds I've been on. Talk to your oncs about this and push them to learn more if they aren't aware of it. It was only covered by insurance for a few years and isn't inexpensive. I was a clinical social worker early in my adult life and was trained in sex therapy. There are vaginal stretchers that can be used for vaginal shrinkage once it's happened. Those come in sets of different sized stretchers and you can progress from using a small to gradually larger sizes--to prevent/minimize pain with intercourse. Not conversations alot of us want to have with male doctors! But those stretchers can be purchased on line and are not expensive. They need to be used with one of the lubricating gels or creams made for the vagina. I'm glad we can have conversations about things like this here! I've not been single since having cancer but I've wondered what it would be like if my husband died before I do. The men in his family tend to die young and all his brothers, all younger than he is, have had heart attacks and the youngest died in his early 50s. My husband does see a cardiologist regularly and tests have shown his heart to have clear arteries and veins. If I were going to date again after he died, I think I would wait a bit to bring up cancer, until I knew that i really liked, respected and trusted a man and wanted to keep seeing him. It is pretty likely that any man around my age is goiing to have some health issues of his own, lol. Not so true for you younger women. But i think we all want men who will "be there" for us for any serious relationship. And cancer is sure going to separate the good dependable men from those who aren't! Sadly....for them!

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to PJBinMI]

Thanks so much for sharing. I too love this site. We can discuss issues without judgement! I will talk this over with my onc. Btw, I will be 66 in July and the shop(lol) is not ready to close! Stay strong!

[Debbigbang]

I read your post and thought "brave". I have 2 teenage boys, 2 marriages down and trail of broken hearts lol. The last thing I'm looking for is a relationship. I am now just getting to me and loving me. Now of course this is my own personal opinion and hope you ladies find that perfect person for you ❤. I think you are brave getting out there. You are strong amazing women. Who has been through and still climbing the mbc mountain !!!

Good luck to you!!! I am sure this person is out there just waiting for you ❤❤

Deb ❤🙏

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Debbigbang]

Hey Deb, sometimes I think I am crazy to want to date with my world spinning around so fast. Hey that’s life, yes? Thank you for sharing. I understand

[Cheza11]

Hello-I'm recently single and I also wonder about dating. I'm not sure how I'll even start.

In terms of the atrophic vaginitis, l had the laser treatment, Mona Leesa, and it has really helped.

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Cheza11]

Wow! I am learning so much on this fabulous site; the Mona Leesa.. my onc and I are going to have serious conversation. Thanks and Stay strong!

[wendle3007]

Funnily enough, I've just been reading a post on the (UK) MacMillan breast cancer forum by a woman in her 60s who has just met someone on a dating app and is having the time of her life!

I guess the only way to know is to dip your toe in the water and be totally up front about your condition and what you want from a relationship. Assuming you are looking for someone a similar age to you, they are likely to also have health conditions and not be looking to go bungy-jumping on a date!

As for the vaginal atrophy, speak to your GP and get some products for this. There are moisturisers you can use regularly to get the flex back and then lubricants for when you are ready for intercourse (or even just for an examination or smear test).

And as for your fears regarding a dating site killer, I met my partner of 16 years on a dating site and he has been an absolute rock throughout my whole process.

Good luck!

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to wendle3007]

Thanks for giving me hope!

[Ilovehorses]

Totally understand how you feel. I’m 63, and it would be nice to have a casual relationship, someone to do things with and go out occasionally, not to mention someone to lean on a little. However I put myself in the other persons shoes and ask would I want to get involved with someone that has a serious disease, give my heart to someone that can only lead to heartbreak and suffering? The answer is no I would not Therefore I will not do dating sites or anything like that where you would basically be presenting yourself as a healthy person , unless you do mention the cancer in which case I would be afraid that could bring on some scary possibilities. I enjoy my life as an individual, have women friends who have always been there for me more than any man has ever been. If I would by chance meet someone I would let him know about the cancer before things went very far. Very hard for both people if this is not something he wants to have in his life and you’ve started to have feelings for each other.

Good luck to you.

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Ilovehorses]

I love horses too! Smile! I agree and it’s not fair. But who said life is fair. My closest friends male and female understand what I am going through. They include me in socializing and travel. I hate being the fifth wheel but they are so wonderful to me. Who knows I am innately flirty so maybe I will invite someone to coffee. My girlfriends said to meet a guy who has cancer or experienced it.. they are so funny! But, you never know! Stay strong!

[Beryl71 in reply to Ilovehorses]

It depends how old are maybe, but anyone can suddenly be ill, have an accident etc. Nothing in life is sure. If you're honest then let the other person make the decision for themselves. If two people have a few happy years together, especially in later life, isn't that a blessing? Once someone became interested in getting to know me better I told them about MBC. Before it went any further. X

[Cureforever]

Hi lovely ladies. There are so many new advances going around. I just hope for cure. MBC soon will be cured. ErSO May go to trials soon Tills, oncolytic viruses from imugene and others give us hope. Best,

Marina

[Trissh in reply to Cureforever]

I feel exactly the same way! Holding on for that cure which is closer than ever before! I often want to date but the reality of actually getting "ready" for a first date and then realizing it needs to be early in the day because I'm whipped by 4 or 5 pm (Ibrance and Letrozole), it seems overwhelming. I dabble a bit on the dating site and then retreat...

[Cureforever in reply to Trissh]

Based on Professor Hergenrother’s response, we will hear about human trials of ErSO at the end of the summer. Also we have hope for TIL and imugene oncolytic virus trials. I live with hope for cure. I am like you, feel exhausted at night. I am on Xeloda, a chemo pill. Ibrance was my first line and I actually felt ok on it but it did not work for long. I am on my fifth line now. Hope and pray for cure. We deserve it. Best,

Marina

Here is the update from Professor Paul J. Hergenrother in regards to ErSO development

Thanks for reaching out. As you know I am not part of the day-to-day operations at Systems Oncology, where they are working to push this technology toward human clinical trials. But, from everything I know things are moving forward apace, with focus on the detailed and lengthy tolerability studies required by the FDA. I would think that toward the end of the summer Systems Oncology might have a more concrete timeline for advancement, so I would suggest that you reach out to them at that point.

Thanks so much for you advocacy and feel free to check back periodically, and best regards,

Paul

**********************************************************

Professor Paul J. Hergenrother

Kenneth L. Rinehart Endowed Chair in Natural Products Chemistry

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Trissh]

I agree! That’s why trying to find a friend who understands is challenging. My ex husband told me that this was just too much for him. So…..

[Garden-Lady in reply to Hotlantaphatz]

Yeah, my ex ran pretty quickly. Funnily though, my first husband from 30 years ago and his second wife are incredibly supportive.

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Garden-Lady]

How lovely of them!

[Beryl71 in reply to Trissh]

The test is that if they really care about you they'll be prepared to understand!

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Beryl71]

Totally agree!

[Beryl71]

Well I'll just tell you my experience. After being diagnosed with MBC in 2020, and experiencing the first lockdown, I decided life wasn't going to go out on a downer.

I did sign up for a dating site called Silver singles. I too was thinking of someone to go to the theatre with , or out for a meal. However life takes interesting turns. I made sure to be totally upfront about my health

However quite soon I met someone, who wanted to get to know me, who was not put off by my health, or the distance. He lives in the Western isles of Scotland, I live in West Sussex. The long and short of it is that we had a virtual relationship for eight months before we could meet, lockdown and my vulnerability making travel a challenge.

Then we met, he came to stay. I recognise all the fears you have. I suffered from a vaginal infection after our first week together but I persevered with talking to a lovely female doctor at my practice. She diagnosed vaginal atrophy but said all was not lost, it was my age (72 at the time) and the medication. But I was prescribed non hormonal potions, a vaginal lubricant that is used at least once every three days and a good quality lubricant. To all intents and purposes my body now operates normally.

Now I have spent many months staying in North Uist, and Ron has been to mine several times.

All is fine now with our love life, and I have a lovely partner who wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. So good luck and do whatevers's right for you. Don't let MBC have the upper hand! X

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Beryl71]

Oh my goodness. What a wonderful reply. Not sure why I am crying happy tears for you! You have given me hope to step out there. I have so much more life in me… enjoy your life!!!!

[mspti8383 in reply to Beryl71]

That certainly is inspiring to those of us who have vaginal atrophy and dryness. My oncologist recommended lubricants that don’t contain any hormones. I will have to find the right lubricant.I went from being sexually active to “crickets” since experiencing the side effects of MBC medications. Will try to bring that part of intimacy back into my life. I do miss it.

[Beryl71 in reply to mspti8383]

I had been widowed for ten years, it's good to feel close to someone special again. My products are Hylafemme, reommended by Macmillan nurse and Sylk. My Macmillan nurse contact sent me a bag full of samples! She was very encouraging!

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Beryl71]

I will research that product. Thanks

[LadyKatarina]

TO ALL of you SINGLE LADIES--here is a blog written by a 30 yr old woman with brain cancer. I think it is an inspiration! She says "because of cancer" she found her treasure!! elephantlotusbraintumor.com...

[Rbeth]

Oh my, I reach out on the website Next Door and Meet-up. I have found friendly people who put together groups. I am a knitter and on NextDoor a new Mom at 53, bless her, wanted to know how to knit. Was a fun afternoon with the Mom her 11 month old daughter and another knitter. I am in contact with a new friend. I am a member of a book club with the ladies on my block. At my age, 71, it would be a struggle to meet younger ladies. I read books I would have never read and am always waving to someone and know the neighborhood dogs. I have treats for the pooches too. You don’t need to read the book to come. We have been getting together for 13 years. Our first meeting was the week I came home from my Lumpectomy. Some of the gals have moved and some still join our meetings.

I hope I gave you some direction.

Failure is evidence someone tried.

I tell the young ones at work that you need to do things wrong before you do them right, so get over it and do it. Then you’ll learn and be able to do it right, or give it another shot. Be well. Reenie

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Rbeth]

I love it! Message: keep trying/ living!

[Garden-Lady]

Hi again, while I was in remission, after my divorce, after a mastectomy, I joined match (dot) com and also outdoorduo. I've met two gentlemen friends that I go out with and who both look after me, now that I've got MBC. One of them I had a fabulous love affair with, though sadly he wasn't ready to commit being recently divorced from his wife of 40 years. We're still good friends and he is emotionally very warm and supportive.The other one isn't looking for a sexual relationship any longer, but he's a climber and mountaineer, and takes me on walks, and invites me out for delicious meals.

I joined the dating sites really as a way not to give up on life. A third man I met I went on a three week trek down the coast of Spain. It was fabulous. We weren't meant for each other, but we had a wonderful time. Seize the day!

[Hotlantaphatz in reply to Garden-Lady]

Seize the day! I love it!

[Beryl71 in reply to Garden-Lady]

I agree with your attitude. I think it was my way of making the same statement. I'm here and I'm prepared to do something I've never done before to prove MBC isn't the end.x