I am new here. I was diagnosed with BC Mets to lungs in 2018 at age 46. 16 rounds of chemo and now I am on letrozole, ibrance and zolodex. Other than the Mets merry go round that I am sure you can all relate to, I am blessed to be doing ok. Today is a good day.
My problem is the over protective co-workers I have to deal with. I work full time including during chemo. Every time I am quiet for two minutes or don’t go to every event, they feel like something is wrong. I was direct with them that if something is progressing I will tell them. You would think case closed but no, I almost feel as being harassed. I must say I have not disclosed that it’s stage 4. That’s my choice and none of their business. Please don’t try and convince me otherwise. This disease has taken so much from me that my choice on what to share are the only thing I have to hold sacred.
Anybody else out there dealing with the constant “Are you ok?”
Hugs to all.
Blessings for good health.
Tara
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Ski2sea
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First I agree with your decision not to overshare. When I was first diagnosed I panicked and told too many people. I regret it now. I don’t experience your situation at work. You tried to set a boundary. They mean well. but it is annoying and a burden. Hope they learn to stop it.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of the annoying questions. I don't have the same problem, but do have a couple of thoughts...
First is simple...I think that time will partially take care of it? I worked full time during my first bout with cancer, with all of the baldness, chemo, surgeries, etc. I don't remember noticing anything re: too many/too few queries...but clearly when the hair grew back, etc., it became a non-topic? Maybe since you've chosen -- wisely I'm sure -- not to share the metastatic diagnosis, and you haven't been able to talk about clear scans, folks aren't getting the signal that everything's okay?
Maybe there's a way to say that without divulging too much? "The doctors say I'm doing well, thanks", maybe followed by something direct/diplomatic like " I appreciate your concern, but honestly I prefer not to dwell on it and the questions are making that difficult. Thanks for understanding, and if you could spread the word, I'd appreciate it." ?
Just a thought...Be well!
• in reply to
This is a good suggestion. Delegate one of your better work friends to pass the word along. If you’re still asked directly, remember that your primary responsibility is managing your wellbeing and not training folks however well meaning some of them might be. If someone refuses to listen you are perfectly ok saying “please respect my privacy.” Repeat it. Ads work because they stay on message. Stick to your script. Hang in there
This is so awkward for you...I’m retired now so don’t have to deal with people asking me stuff at work although they all know
Most of my friends just say I look well and leave it at that but I have an annoying neighbor who always confronts me and says oh you poor thing etc so I avoid her or change the subject
Sometimes it’s when people don’t ask how I am then I think they don’t care then I get annoyed if they start asking loads of questions...I suppose they don’t know what to say
I think you’ve done the right thing by not disclosing your mbc status...people don’t understand the difference most of the time anyway
Hi Barb, Txs for the reply. Since this diagnosis I have seen the beauty in people and sadly the worst. I have very similar feelings to you. I hope you are having a fab retirement!! Tara
I feel the same way Barb. I hate people asking how I am but then sometimes I think they don’t care if they don’t ask. I feel like a “nut.” I will say I’d rather be treated normal than as a sickly person.
Hugs to all,
Stacy
Hi Tara,
This must be so trying for you! I agree with keeping the metastatic diagnosis to yourself. I have not told people either, apart from a friend who lives far away (I wrote her a letter) and my sister-in-law after she confronted me about it (my husband told her). It is your business if you want to talk about your diagnosis or not, and others should learn to respect your wishes.
It is a fine line between people showing they care and then overstepping the mark and intruding. But the beauty of it is that you get to set the boundaries. I would feel really vulnerable and exposed if everyone knew of my metastatic diagnosis. I want to be treated normally, not be pitied by everyone. So I would just politely thank people for asking, but be firm in letting them know how you feel. If people ask, I usually let them know I am doing well and that the treatment is working. I don't want to get into all the details, and to be honest would people really want the inside scoop on what it's like living with this disease? I'm not sure people would be able to handle it.
Hi Sophie, Thanks for the note. It’s so tough. I try to set boundaries but ugh. I’ll take your suggestion in being more firm with my wishes. Hopefully that will work. I feel a little better— thank you again. Tara
You're welcome! Just remember, you are in control of who knows what and if you do not feel like sharing information with people they need to take a cue from you and back off. I hope things improve for you and people can treat you normally. There's nothing quite like having "I have cancer" plastered on your forehead, is there?
Oh yes i can relate to that. People make assumptions about how im feeling when im doing ok. And if i hear the word "sorry" once more i swear i'll swing for someone.
I really dont know what to suggest but looking forward to reading the responses so i can, like you, get some advice.
Here is another perspective. I have told my friends and family and am very glad I did. Fortunately I am doing well so the constant check ins have pretty much stopped. What did happen is that we all seem more mindful of how fast time goes and are making the effort to spend time together. You know that group of friends that you are always intending to see but you, and they, are so busy? We make the time now. We talk about life and family and it is so healing to spend time not thinking about "the elephant in the room". There were constant notes asking how I was doing in the beginning but that has stopped as my answer was always "great thanks". Such a boring answer that didn't lead to much further discussion. The same is true with my family. We are much more appreciative of each other. Everyone must make their own decisions and do what is best for them.
I have the opposite at work, I was stage 4 right at the beginning never missed a day of work my coworkers never ask how I am doing and on the rare occasion I take a day off they want to know if it was approved and was I really sick. My coworkers know that I am stage 4.
I am so sorry to read that you are being treated like that. Having cancer has made me see the beauty and sadly the upsetting side of humans. I gave my work a note from my oncologist stating I have cancer and that treatment is ongoing. You are a soldier no doubt. Hugs Tara
I’m with you. None of their business. I too have Mets but just want normal and not to be treated any differently. There’s all sorts of illnesses people are dealing with so I don’t think cancer needs special attention. I actually don’t even refer to myself as having it but rather just acknowledge my body has been distressed and needs to heal. So good for you for not letting it rule your life! I don’t see any benefit on dwelling on it (counterproductive I think). But also don’t fuss about others response. They just don’t know how to treat you so I just smile and say “am doing fine thanks”. Eventually they quit asking.
Though it is important to have an outlet to ask questions, support one another and learn different from peoples experiences. That is the benefit of this forum. Wish you well.
I've been very open about my diagnosis, I just found it easier. I'm nearly 2 yrs in now and from the start when people have asked how I am I've responded 'really well thank you'and if they ask about treatment 'I say it's amazing what can be done with modern drugs' regardless of what's going on or how I feel. People are reassured and I think most have now forgotten about my diagnosis or think it's gone away and don't ask anymore.
Just tell your work mates in a friendly way not to baby you. Let them know that you feel better when they treat you normally. Nobody wants to feel like an invalid. I find that some of my family - not the immediate family - but nieces - do the same things; so next time I will take my own advice and tell them not to baby me. I wish you a happy holiday season. And, please note that I think you are very brave. I hope your work mates realize how difficult it is to come to work during your treatments. You are a hero to do it.
Hi, Txs for tour kind note. So many great bits of information everyone has provided. I luv your screen name by the way! I leave for Vienna next week. Happy Holidays to you as well. Blessings to you :))
Have a wonderful time in Vienna. I have never been to Vienna but Vienna has a special place in my heart because my maiden name in German means Vienna and my father said many of his ancestors were from Austria. It is great that you get to travel and enjoy the wonders that our precious world brings to us. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyone’s reply. I wish I could hug each one of you. I was feeling low when I wrote my message but your responses made me feel a million times better. My blessings to all of you for a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays xx
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