It’s mother’s day and I’ve been crying
Just opened s card from one of my girls..it says thank you for being amazing..tore my heart out
I don’t feel amazing...feel like I’ve let them down with this bastard cancer
Sorry ladies I’m in a mood
Barb xx
Mothers day: It’s mother’s day and I’ve... - SHARE Metastatic ...
Mothers day
Written by
Barbteeth
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59 Replies
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My daughter gave me a card she made at brownies, she's 23! My son is still in bed, I collected him from a&e at 1am because he's broken his scaphoid bone by falling off his skateboard, he's 21! and I know I won't get a card from him as he doesn't do them, but I know he loves me - he tidied his bedroom up last weekend!
Your daughters love you, cancer doesn't come into it. You haven't let anyone down. Would you think any less of them if they were the ones with cancer, could you love them any less? Course you couldn't, neither can they. The card shows that.
You are amazing, you keep going despite feeling as awful as you do. So many people would just give up and go to bed. You keep pushing yourself and as Winston Churchill said - when you are going through hell, keep going. It's the way you will come out the other side and you will.
Dear Barb
You are not your disease. Repeat this 3x to yourself and then let it go and enjoy your Mother’s Day knowing your children obviously adore you. You created your fabulous family and it is your day to be cherished and appreciated. 💐
You’re so right..I’m not my disease
Actually I pulled myself together after posting..got my jodhpurs and boots on and met my other daughter and we went out for a little ride...made my day..also Bugsy was happy getting some attention
I think it’s the feeling of being useless that takes over with me
Thanks for your reply..means a lot
Barb xx
You might feel useless, but you are not useless. You have a place in this universe, in your family, with or without this damn disease. You need to really feel this. I know how hard it is when your body hurts, when scans aren't great, when meds cause nasty side effects, when we don't have the stamina and are burdened with the spector of this illness. At some point, for many of us, it becomes a choice. How do you want to live the life you have, not the life you had or wish you had. You are a voice on this board, and I am sure have a lot to offer your friends, family and community. But you have to believe this.
That’s my big problem..I want the old me back..I guess I have to embrace the new me though I’m not keen on her!!
Barb xx
Ah, Barb, nothing is permanent. If you want to have joy back i n your life you do have to embrace you with the baggage of this mbc. It isn't easy. But you're going to live for years, do you want to mourn yourself everyday? Where will that get you? And I am not an eternal optimist or one who thinks this is part of God's plan. It just is. Do not let it rob you of all peace of mind and joy. Fight back. Anyone who can mount a horse while in pain can give this disease a good kick in the arse.
Actually I’m good at getting on horses..very supple and can tie myself in knots at yoga so I can’t understand why I’m in such pain..well obviously the fractured vertebrae but at least I e tried some treatments to see if they would work...I’m going to now keep it simple..exercises and acupuncture
When I read posts like yours it makes me think maybe I do have more years...this is slowly dawning on me at last...was all despair since diagnosis
Thank you again
Barb xx
Hi Barb,
Your daughter is right. You are amazing! You have not let anyone down. No one asks for this diagnosis. I am so grateful to you for the advice and tips you have given on this site when it comes to dental issues and other things that I am not clued up on, and for sending me Jane McLelland's book.
Sophie x
Barbteeth in reply to
Hi Sophie
Thank you for that..you and nsterocks usually give me a different perspective...I sometimes get these awful thoughts..as we all do...and a little bit of encouragement from a fellow sufferer is sometimes all that’s needed to buck me up
All the best
Barb xx
in reply to Barbteeth
You're welcome, Barb. It's so easy to beat ourselves up, but others often see us differently to the way we see ourselves.
Take care,
Sophie x
Oh Barb! So sorry it's one of those days but your daughter is right! You are amazing! You are a warrior and your daughter recognizes that!
You may not feel amazing but you are here and living life as best you can in a horrific situation!
Don't forget how traumatic mbc is and how you are thriving through it. You are a hero and your daughter thinks so too!
Love and hugs,
Marianne
Aww Marianne that’s so lovely of you
I’ve picked up a bit since the early post..the sun is out and I’m sat in the garden with a book and my cats are pottering about..next door neighbor has a pond and there are frogs..naughty Marmaduke has his death stare expression on!!!
Barb xx
Happy Mother’s Day♥️You are amazing and wonderful. You are loved. Enjoy the day💕😂
Love
Frances
Ok, I have to ask where do you live that it is Mother's Day?
Mother's Day is May 12 where I am?😊
Barbara
Ok I looked it up sorry!
It’s quite ok. How are you doing?
Well I am almost 4 weeks sitting with no weight on ankle. Dr said 3 more weeks then light weight. It stinks having husband waiting on me. He said it might take longer to heal due to the cancer.
Good news is I have had no pain. Doctor told my husband he does not believe me because I am tough. But I did not take any pain meds through the whole thing. Just an aleve some days to keep swelling down.
I think God is just giving me a break.
I have an appointment with oncologist April 13 th. I think is to start chemo again since it is in infusion dept or could be for xgeva ink I have an appoint
I did get to babysit my new granddaughter for the first time this week she is 8
Months already. My daughter lives upstairs and had to help, but baby is so cute. They can't bring her she has a cold or something but we were both well at the same time.
Awe- happy to hear you got to spend time with her. I had a broken ankle from an accident- idk if I had the mbc then but I didn’t take any pain meds. I was off it for months after surgery and had to learn to walk again. I know how you feel/ the hardest part for me was having others care for me.
You will be good as new soon.
Love n hugs
Frances
Yes, when you are used to taking care of everyone and now need to ask for something 2 feet away it is really hard.
Thank you
Barbara
I know Barbara but thankfully it is temporary💕
Thanks Sandra
I love the Chinese lantern story...I think symbolism is wonderful and will give you the right mindset
Love Barb xx
Happy Mother's Day!!! You are amazing and your daughters know it. Enjoy the day. Blessings, Hannah
I feel the same. Feel really guilty. Mine came back after 2yrs so at least you had longer in between X
How are you today?
I went to see my GP this morning and told her I’m not taking the citalopram any more..sick of the side effects..I stuck it for 7 weeks...I was naughty and have been cutting the tablets in half...bloody difficult as they’re tiny !!.. she said I can just stop them as they’re only the low dose but just to be sure I don’t get withdrawal symptoms I think I’ll slowly reduce dose myself..honestly I’m a law unto myself sometimes..also she’s prescribed some slightly stronger cocodamol as I struggle with the morphine..my BP dropped too low
Anyway I’ll try this new regime and hope I don’t start getting low moods again
I know you upped your citalopram..are you settling with the new dose?
I have a friend who takes 20 mg in the winter when he’s happy doing his hunting etc. But when the season ends he goes into depression mode and takes 40 mg!!!and is fine..I know he doesn’t have mbc but from a depression point of view we can chop and change doses to suit our situation
All the best
Barb xx
I’m really not great, don’t think the antidepressants have helped at all. Had to take Valium today after a well meaning person left flowers on the doorstep. No card or text. It was like I was dead after a car crash. Then an old neighbour from years ago cane over with flowers. Again very well meaning but it made me feel more as if I’m dying than I do already. I just wish I could go for a run and burn it all off but I can’t and that makes it worse X
Hi. Are you normally sensitive to meds? I ask because my friend was taking antidepressants and she strongly believed they were making her feel worse. She is doing much better off them. Have you had a chance to discuss with your doctor? Sending you hugs from afar! Xoxo
Yes I spoke to my nurse today she said to continue at 10mg. I don’t know though if drugs can help someone so mortified by the diagnosis x
It is understandable that you are having a difficult time with the news especially after you have begun to put the initial diagnosis behind you. For me, the recurrence was harder than the initial diagnosis. It left me feeling like a failure and vulnerable. My concern is the prolonged feeling of sadness. Please stay strong and remind yourself that you are stronger than this. We are all here to see you through the darkest days and cheer you on when the rainbows come. Keep your focus on the rainbows, they always follow the storms. Much love!!!
I love that. I love rainbows 🌈
I mean yes I am sensitive x
Hi sweetie
Sorry you’re struggling at the moment...crap isn’t it
I understand exactly about the flower thing..people don’t know what to do or say..leaving them on the doorstep meant no confrontation
When I was first diagnosed..my house was full of flowers from people..it soon stopped though as they drifted away
My next door neighbor is the worst..puts on a tragic expression and says things like ‘you poor thing’ etc..honestly I try and avoid her as she annoys me..as you said in your post it’s as if we’re dead...well we’re VERY much alive and will be for some time to come
Changing the subject..I’m feeling much better off that citalopram..not been crying all the time..in fact I tried a frock and some jeans on yesterday in house of Fraser which is probably the second time in a year I’ve done that..oh and bought some new jodhpurs as I’m no way not riding...I know I’m not a doctor but I think you’re maybe overmedicated on antidepressants..please don’t take this the wrong way...we’re all different but I felt worse on them looking back...have a word with your doctor
I was very low when I was staying in the house all the time by myself...it’s even worse when you’re used to being active..double whammy
Please keep in touch
Chin up
Barb xx
Happy Mothers Day, amazing woman you are! Thanks for staying in touch with your feelings and with us. Love, Mary.
Happy Mothers Day, I agree with all the other ladies. You are amazing and your posts are always so helpful to me. I have my ups and downs too. Each day I try to not focus on this dreaded disease, some days are harder than others. I admire you for getting out and riding your beloved horse. You have given me the encouragement to pick up my guitar and start playing again. I am going to my guitar teacher tomorrow so he can teach me Simple Man by Lynard Skynard. I gave up after my diagnosis but now I am determined.
Sending you a big hug ,
Robin🌹
Hey Robin
That’s great that you’re going to play guitar again..music is so therapeutic and will make you focus on that and not the cancer...lots of distractions are needed as often as possible
I play the piano but stopped my lessons at Christmas time because it’s too painful on my upper back so I just have a play when I feel like it..classical stuff
My hubby plays guitar has an acoustic and an elsctric guitar so we’re a musical family..we both love opera and seeing la Fortza del Destina (spelling!) tomorrow
We go to lots of the live broadcasts from the Met and they’re superb
All the best
Barb xx
Hi Barb, I agree music is therapeutic. Had my lesson last night, think I will be able to learn my first song. I played the organ when I was a kid. I just play my guitar now when my arm isn't to swollen. Don't give up on on your piano. I also like classical and the opera. How was your opera? I have only seen Madame Butterfly, but I did see Pavarotti in the 90's when I lived in the Dallas, TX area and was blown away hearing him. They don't have opera here in Indiana that I know of. I love Indiana but miss all the culture and diversity that the Dallas area provided.
Have a great day
Robin
Hi
Glad your guitar lesson was fun...you can sing and feel happy..singing produces endorphins and lifts the spirits
Opera was superb..it’s one I’ve not seen before but Verdi never disappoints ...I adore Madame Butterfly as well makes me cry buckets though so have to be careful not to wallow too much...it was the first opera I saw..my mum took me..I was about 12 and loved it..we went to Lucca last year..Puccinis birthplace and there’s a restaurant called Toscas where there are photos of him and there’s a museum
I dug out some old piano music yesterday and had a go at Clare de Lune....thank god nobody was listening..need to practice a lot!!!
Wish you well
Barb xx
Simple man. My husband's favorite song of all time.
Happy mother’s day a day late! There is not much I can add to what all these amazing women have already said. You do have a purpose and you need to figure out what it is. You have helped lots of people here and obviously your daughter thinks that life with the Barb that is now is much better than life without any Barb. Maybe she thinks that it is better than life with the old Barb, who knows! Hugs.
Hi Barb,
Statements like you got from your daughter bring me to my knees also when I hear them from by kids. I love them so much and want to be there to enjoy them for a long time to come. You (all of us) are amazing for dealing with the disease and still putting one foot in front of the other each day. I try and find joy in each day and at the end of each day I have a gratitude journal where I write 3 things I was grateful for that day. I wish I had more words of wisdom but hang in there my friend and we will get through this together.
Kim
Hi Kim
This is wierd...I was thinking of starting a journal the other day...I even have a nice little notebook to write in
Writing the good things down is a great idea...I went for a lovely walk today round a nearby nature reserve and the sun shone and the birds are all flirty as it’s nesting time and I’m going to yoga later...so I’ll write it down and start my journal this evening.... I once did a journal a long time ago after reading about it and it was suggested to tear up the page afterwards...do you do that or keep to reread?
All the best
Barb xx
Well I just started this journal this year and I plan on keeping it. Even now I go back and re-read some of the things I have written. And some days the things I am grateful for are just little things, like a sunny day or a yummy treat.
Yes I think I’ll do that then can read again...also the state of my memory at the moment I would completely forget what I’d written anyway!!!
As you said it doesn’t have to be anything major to brighten up the day
Barb xx
Happy Mother’s Day! Trust me, coming from a daughters point of view, mothers are still these beautiful, amazing, mystical women who we swear we are nothing like but secretly hope we can become as strong as them. I hope you had an amazing day.
NO! It is how we handle our challenges and adversity that makes all the difference to us and to Them!! Keep up the good work!
Happy MOther's Day, Barb. Consider going taking a trip to Canada where CBD and THC
is legal, to give it a try. So many people say it resolved their -pain issues, I so want
you to give it a try. Love best wishes, Mary in Maine,
I agree this cancer stinks and none of us asked for it but we continue to keep living in spite of it. I've been in a "mood" the past few days too but looking to climb my way out. Hugs and love to all of us!
Happy Mothers Day to Every Mother on here 
Ever since my own mother died, Mothers' Day has not felt the same at all to me! And that made me realize how much I'd taken for granted and how blind I may have been to the pain that so many feel on Mothers' Day and other special days. I know I am hard on myself about not keeping things as tidy as I once did, not cooking as well or as often, never feeling sexy, needing to ask for help sooo much more often, not being able to multitask, and being overwhelmed by it all. Mothers' Day sure rubs it in! And Barb, your note reminded me of something else as well, exemplified by your grown children responding to Mothers' Day so differently even though they had the same mother and love you. Since I've had this lousy rotten cancer, I sure have new (to me, anyway) thoughts about Mothers' Day--sadness for what I know my grown daughter and step daughters will go thru when I am dying and afterwards, sadness for my husband and for my brother should he outlive me. My brother and I are the only ones left of my family. We used to tease each other that we'd live longer but now that doesn't sound so appealing at all....who wants to be the only one left! It would be nice to be able to get away from cancer and cancer thinking, that new lens that we see everything thru now!
That is so true..one of my daughters is married to a chap whose mum died of a sudden heart attack and he gets upset every mother’s day...when I was diagnosed he did say my daughter was lucky(!!) that at least she would have me for some time and be able to prepare for the inevitable..different way of looking at things
Sorry if sound morbid
Barb xx
I don't think it's morbid at all, but is truly one of the few good things about MBC! When we do die, our families will have had time to prepare and grieve. I've experienced family members die from cancer and die suddenly and though cancer is no fun at all, it does have few redeeming qualities, like this!
in reply to PJBinMI
Hi PJBinMI,
I know what you mean about looking for the redeeming qualities of having cancer! In the UK (England specifically, as prescriptions are free for everyone in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland) we can only get prescriptions free of charge if we are children, full-time students, pregnant, in need of contraception, on certain benefits, over 60 or have a chronic health complaint. So if you are fit and healthy, of working age and under 60 in England, you pay a small fee (£8.80, although it is going up soon to £9.00). But cancer is classed as a chronic illness, so we can get prescriptions (even non-cancer related ones) free of charge using an NHS Medical Exemption Certificate. I remember one of my friends jokingly saying she had to get cancer to get her prescriptions free!
Sophie x
First Happy belated mother's day to you. Please don't get yourself down. Your kids obviously adore you. Focus on getting yourself healthy. I know it's hard not to focus on the negative... damn cancer... but enjoy your life. Positive attitude, diet, sleep, long walks in the fresh air is key to beating this beast. Stay strong! take care, Gail
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