Social anxiety disorder and crippling shyness has resulted in me never having had a relationship. As I turned 50 I got increasingly depressed about being a virgin and began to believe that I would now never have a relationship, because I am too old and there are very few single women of my age. I had thought about paying for it, but had resisted because I do not believe in it. I believe that sex should be about love and intimacy. This is what I have always craved, but have never found. I have only met one person that I could have had this with, but my shyness and lack of experience and confidence caused me to blow that opportunity. 18 years later there have been very few opportunities and I have become despondent. A few months ago I gave in to temptation and paid to lose my virginity, which is something that I bitterly regret. I got it in my head that I may never lose it. I only did it because the person I found seemed very different from the majority of escorts. She had not been doing it very long, she made a point of saying that she would not see many people and she was very safety conscious. She was very expensive and lived in a remote country location. She was also close to my age. I don't think I would have done it if I had not found her profile.
She was a lovely person and her home was beautiful. It did not feel like I was visiting an escort. It was a pleasant experience, we got on well and I enjoyed my time with her, but I started to regret it during the following days. We used condoms for everything and I have since tested negative for all STIs, but the main damage has been psychological. It was a big mistake because I don't believe in prostitution. I would have preferred to have lost my virginity within a relationship. I think that I used the fact that I was 50 as a reason to ignore my better judgement on this. I wish I could have spoken to someone about it, so that I could have been advised against it. It was not worth it because all I have ever wanted was a loving relationship and a family. I went against my principles.
I have since received intimacy counselling which was helpful, but I don't know how I can be honest with any future partner and tell her what I did, though deep down I know I must. The therapist said I could try to re-frame my experience, for example I was looking for a sex coach.
This lock down has exacerbated the situation, as it has highlighted my loneliness. I wish I knew how to get over this and put it behind me. I think the only way would be to find someone who could love me who would understand and forgive me.
The frustrating thing is that I am now a successful and confident person, which is very different from how I was in my twenties and early thirties. The problem is that I do not have any dating and relationship skills, and I struggle to find suitable partners. I feel that I have put an extra psychological barrier in my way because I have done something that I fundamentally disagree with. I am really struggling to overcome this and can't stop thinking about it. My heart sinks when I think that I have paid for sex. I have read posts on other forums from people in their 20s who were depressed because they were still virgins. My advice to anyone is that there is no shame in being a virgin, no matter what your age is. I wish I was still a virgin. I hope that anyone in a similar situation can read this, learn from my own experience and don't do what I did.
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GustavMa
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I am sorry you have had such difficulties. You seem very regretful of what you have done , yet on one hand you were worried that you would never lose your virginity - now that you have , you are sad that you have . I totally understand the reasons why you are , and your beliefs , but obviously something deepset was driving you. You have learned from this experience and have made a judgement call on your experience - you have decided not to engage in it in the future. Don't let it hold you back - you're a better person than that.
I completely agree with you that you shouldn't let this become another hurdle in your quest to meet a suitable partner. The great thing about the internet is that through the use of the internet, you can meet others virtually and , taking all safety precautions, get to know someone online before a possible real life meet. Have you considered this ?
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have considered meeting someone virtually online. I have tried conventional dating sites and adult dating sites and maybe I should try that again.
I am not sad that I have lost my virginity, just about the way that I lost it. I just so wish that I had lost it within a loving relationship.
I would try and move past the notion that prostitution is wrong, even if it is a belief system that you’ve grown up with. If it’s what suited your circumstances and desire to lose your virginity then that’s fine and not something you should be ashamed of.
Prostitution or sex work as they say is the world’s oldest profession. As long as the woman or man is doing it willingly and without coercion, and is not doing it to support other crime (trafficking, drug abuse etc) then it should be their choice to do what they want with their body. For some it may be their only chance to earn a respectable wage, due to lack of education or resources when growing up. For others they may do it because they enjoy it. I know a sex worker who absolutely loves what she does and would never want to do anything else.
You’ve done it now, and to the best of your knowledge nobody came out of it negatively. So move on with your life and relax about it. That way you’re more likely to find a relationship without nerves getting the best of you.
Thanks for your reply. The woman that I visited was definitely in control of her situation. She was doing this in her own home and was very part time. As far as I could tell she enjoyed herself and enjoyment was part of the reason why she was doing it. She was very respectful, understanding and middle class. It felt like she was a therapist and sex coach. It did not feel like I was visiting an escort. Her profile stood out as being different from most of the others.
You are correct in saying that the problem is my attitude to prostitution, which is why I should have not done this. The other issue is that there is emotional fallout from a one-off sexual liaison. It would have been much better if I had done this within a relationship or with someone who I saw several times. I would recommend anyone in my situation to get professional help. I have since done this, at great expense, but I am still struggling to come to terms with what I did.
I think the vast body of evidence about sex work would disagree with your statement. There is a difference between for instance the adult sex industry in terms of pornography versus prostitution. Of course people have a right to do what they want with their own bodies, but in the vast majority of cases transactional sex is done for money - simply because a person needs it to support themselves, their families or unfortunately sometimes other needs like alcohol, drugs etc. It can be dangerous , sex workers are often the target of abusers, and many suffer psychological and emotional harm through their work. You don't find people in the higher socioeconomic groups involved in sex work because its a way to earn " a respectable wage " I'm not making a moral judgement, I'm just saying that if we lived in society where money wasn't an essential need, I really doubt any man or woman would be involved in sex work.
Well there you go Gustav. I offer you my opinion and Galen offers another. Neither are right, neither are wrong - they’re just opinions. I can only tell you as fact that the sex worker that I know is very happy in her work, is degree educated, and has had a previous decent career that she found unfulfilling, compared to this one that she enjoys. But of course not all situations are similar.
You can only take the advice as you see fit or choose to ignore it. Do what makes you happy and don’t risk losing out on relationships because of shame.
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