I, mentally, feel worse than my 1st week. I feel like I'm nitpicking and over-reacting over the dumbest things. Then I'm having a constant mental battle with my Addiction and my Conscious (and yes, I am capitalizing them because as of now I picture them as the Devil and the Angel on each shoulder).
My Addiction 😈 tells me, "You'll feel better, just have one and everyone will be happier..." and my Conscious 😇 yells back "...but not in the long run!" Because both Addiction and Conscious know, you can't just buy one cigarette...you have to buy 20. They also know I will smoke all 20. And sure as $#!+, my Addiction 😈 will justify it to my Conscious 🙁.
I've never tried to quit because I wanted to. When I quit before, it was always because I had to, as I was pregnant or nursing or sick. (Why was that so much easier?) I've quit for weeks, I've quit for years and I always had it in the back of my head that I would smoke again, because I like to smoke.
I was a closet smoker. No one knew, except my partner and a few of my closest friends. My kids have never known, and I have 3 of them who are getting to the age of "influence = action", which means they are getting to the ages where my influence can cause them to follow my actions as cigarettes will be easier to obtain for them. I can handle being a hypocrite, but I can't handle them thinking that of me. My Addiction may be able to convince my Conscious to give in, but how can I justify my Addiction to my kids...they're getting smarter.
And that's why I'm quitting. Not only because I don't want them the think I'm a hypocrite, but because I'm their role-model. And of course, smoking is stupid...obviously I know that because I was a closet smoker, and didn't want anyone to know I was being stupid.
I feel like my Addiction is trying to give me reasons to go buy cigarettes. I'm causing arguments about the smallest things or turning nothing into an argument for the sake of...I don't know. I hate everything. And the more it's being pointed out that the reason I'm acting this way is because Addiction is constantly knocking, the more mad I get...and I have to consciously remember to listen to Conscious.
Does that sound crazy?
I have to give the love of my life, Adam, tons of credit, as he knows the way I'm acting is my Addiction and not Me. He's been Conscious's back-up, and unfortunately for him, he's been getting the brunt of my rage...thankfully he laughs at me, pets and kisses my head and face and tells me he's proud. Honestly, I want to kill him because my Addiction feels patronized, but my Conscious sticks up for him...and his Conscious knows I just put up with all of this when he quit a couple months ago.
And now it's my turn 😬.
xx
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