tired

[Apple_a_day]

I was raised to hate my mother I was raised to hate my father. I was raised with so much hatred. I've been through sexual abuse. Been cheated on. My mother is being cheated on. I don't know how to not love my parents. But at the same time keeping myself sane around them. I hate them but I don't. My love will never win over their hatred but I don't stop trying until I don't have any left for myself. I'm so so so tired. I lost the only person who taught love to me. My grandma. I lost her last month. I don't see any light anymore. I have the biggest exam in less than a month for which I have been preparing for 2 years. I dont feel strong enough. I Wish I had the privilege to pause. To pause and sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

[CountryMeatPie]

Hi, I can relate with your experience 💯, I hate my parents but at the same time I don't hate them and I wish I hate them for all the pain they caused me as child. Because of my parents selfishness I was abused physically, sexually, and emotional and on top of that they are manipulative. I am currently going thru a divorce because my husband cheated on me, leaving me with 2 kids to raise. I have suffered from repressive childhood trauma, PTSD, anxiety and depression since I was a child, I am now in my 30s my self esteem is 10/100. It's terrible sometimes when I think about it I just want to disappear. Don't give up! I live each day trying my best to be better for my children.

[Apple_a_day in reply to CountryMeatPie]

Ahhh, so much pain encapsulated within a person. I hope you've found a healthy way to channel-ise the tension and trauma within you. I know you are trying your best and it hurts but please try not to pass on the generational trauma to your kids. Love them the way you were not. To have cute little angels looking up to you, will tenderly boost your self esteem and give you purpose. You are strong. You are so so damn strong woman. Give your kids and yourself a hug from my side 🫂