Today I found myself searching for a PCP who may be trained or open to trauma informed care. My body hurts today. My neck. My shoulders. My jaws feel clamped. Parts of my arms and hand are involuntarily having tiny spasms. Hardly no one in my life other than another trauma trained professional has understanding and looks at me like I have lost my mind if I dare try to explain how I am feeling.
Yesterday, my daughter twisted her back the wrong way. I was there for her. It was difficult for about 48 hours. I didn’t even realize I had been triggered as I was caring for her.
Then, when the scare of her injury was gone, I began to feel the impact. My body, the intrusive memories of the worst two years of my life after my then husband had a work injury turned major depression, anger, aggression, addiction to medications, and ultimately death after multiple overdoses. The final call was August 12, 2014. “Mom, he is gone. What do you mean he is gone. He is dead.”
This year was 10 years. Every year of watching the kids grieve and hurt and wonder, what if, takes a tole on me and especially them.
My responses in my body are increasingly impactful for me in shutting down and just want to be alone where I feel safe.
This is my story now.
Much appreciated,
