Down to a Whisper

[bazooka111]

So the past couple of weeks have delivered some change in Moms ability to have volume in her voice; we are down to a whisper. I have had her reading books aloud, but lately most activities just exhaust her. It wasn’t so long ago, that we would sit and play 6-7 rounds of rummy, and she would kick my butt every time; now, she shows no interest in attempting.

The afternoon nap has replaced the game of cards. The new normal is laying down around 2 pm for an afternoon siesta (that’s what I tell her) ...”Momma, you’re looking like you need an afternoon siesta” ... she smiles and whispers, “yes”.

Over the past couple of years, I have taken random video of her movement, and I’ve recently gone back to look at the progression .. it’s amazing what she was doing just six months ago, compared to now. I created an album in my phone titled “Moms Health”, and I have collected quite a library ... it’s been very useful in marking progression; 95% of the time, she never knew I was inconspicuously capturing the moment. Oh, I found one from almost two years ago, she was at speech therapy ... wow... her voice was so strong!

I miss her, and she’s right here with me.

I miss our conversations. I miss her wisdom sharing. I miss her laughter. I miss her. My heart just seems to lose pieces a little every day.

Chin-up Kim ... I say to myself... weathering the storm.

*Side bar:

(By the way, we are self quarantined in our home... no visitors allowed) I’ve made a few people mad ... and I’ve learned, when it comes to my mother, I don’t care what they think. #stupidity Don’t get me started.

[Beads0122]

Kim,

You post brought tears to my eyes as it brought back memories of two years ago with the similarities between your mom and my wife. You are an amazing daughter and you are doing everything correctly. Always remember that her decline is not because of you or what you are doing. In fact, I am confident that you have brought more joy and fulfillment to your Mom’s life. I wish I could offer you more advice than what you are already telling yourself, but I cant.

Prayers of strength, comfort, and wisdom covering you,

Bobby

[bazooka111 in reply to Beads0122]

((Hugs)) Bobby ... what a journey this is, and so very unique, to the point that few will understand. Xo

[enjoysalud]

Good for you on the quarantine and everything else you have done, and are doing.

Los Angeles, CA, USA

[Hidden]

It’s the beginning of pre grief. You know things are declining, as does she. It’s hard for both of you. The only thing to do is carry on.

[journeyofjoy in reply to Hidden]

Jeff,

Do you think "pre grief" lessens the actual grief when your loved one dies?

I seem to be doing so much better than I thought I would. It's almost puzzling to me. I miss Sandy and I can't stand the thought of him not coming back, ever. I have a cry every once in a while...sometimes tears just leak out, and other times it's a break down and sob session (but those are rare). How is it for you?

I really didn't think I was grieving when he was here because I was so focused on the daily care but maybe I was. Our life as we knew it was taken away in bits and pieces over a few years. Maybe there was grief along the way. Who knows?

[Hidden in reply to journeyofjoy]

I think it made a big difference. I had years of knowing Larry was going to die. So did he. I feel the same as you. I wasn’t overwhelmed by his death. It hurts. It’s always going to hurt but having such a long lead in time it took the edge off of the raw pain I have experienced with other deaths. It doesn’t take much to make me tear up thinking about his death. It comes and goes. I may feel differently in the future.

[SewBears]

You’re an inspiration to all of us Kim! All we can do sometimes is cherish each moment. You’re amazing!

❤️ SewBears

[Dadshelper]

We all know the journey but not all of the trip details. You are doing everything you can and I don't blame you for the self-quarantine. We are doing a version of that here with my MIL. Keep up the good work, your mom appreciates everything you are doing for her.

Ron

[Dickenson2]

Just take one day at a time and don’t look back as it will depress you. You do an amazing job of looking after your Mum and I am sure you have lots of fun things to look forward to xx

[Melhukin]

Totally understand what you’re going through 😢 been there and it’s heart breaking. Remember to look after you x

[Railfan]

My own voice has been growing softer after a bout with the flu in early January. Did your mothers voice begin to fade after a recent illness? I seem to recall you posting about one.

Like you, we are self quarantined. We also self quarantined for 3 weeks in January. So my wife and I are practiced hands at this.

[georgeg25]

Dear Kim, well done you for taking the responsible decision to self isolate. It for you and your Mum's safety. The tears are flowing with memories of the same symptoms as my Dear Liz's decline. She eventually could not speak at all. Oh how I wish I could hear her voice again. Stay strong lovely lady and keep the smiles coming. 🙏🏻❤️❤️🙏

[Hiking13]

Thinking of you stay positive as you have been so positive so far - this next stage will be hard for you both but we are all thinking of you

Love Sarahxxx

[AJK2001]

I think losing speech is one of the most awful aspects of this condition, though conversely the level of understanding you develop with someone who can't speak brings you closer together.

There were 2 aspects for Mum, the quietness of voice and the search for words. I found that the quietness could to some extent be overcome by using a portable microphone. Used to use this alot in the car when for some reason Mum's speech seemed to come quite readily but was impossible to hear over the engine.

Good for you on the self isolation, feel so much for all of you having to cope with this new challenge, when life is throwing enough at you already.

[journeyofjoy]

You are doing a wonderful job taking care of your mom. She has such a strong spirit. You have inherited that from her. Just keep on doing what you're doing. And I know you've heard it a million times...you must take care of yourself in whatever ways you can manage to do it. She knows she's loved.