I have had my worst week so far. I am not coping without Les at all.
My daughter has moved her boyfriend in and my house doesn't appear to be my house any more. He asked if he could move in and I don't remember saying "yes". This is horrendous I suddenly don't exist. To be fair Paul is a nice person. I hate being rail-roaded.
I went to see my doctor yesterday and can't stop crying. I have cried now for 3 days and can't have many tears left but they are still welling up. I am being totally selfish as I just don't want to be here. I am tired and lack any form of energy whatsoever.
I am sorry I am so full of self-pity. I have no control. I thought when I locked my front door it was my space and now it isn't. If I try to speak to my daughter she just yells at me and now I don't have the strength to speak to her as she is so focussed on her relationship.
I so need Les to help me but I know he can't.
Sorry to post this just as we have some nice weather again and most of us will be enjoying the warmth.
Perhaps this is another form of grieving. Feeling so out of control. Who knows as we all are experiencing different feelings.
Love and hugs to everyone
Love
Pat xx
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Baileyboo
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You are depressed and it is not to be unexpected. Grief is hard. It takes time. The sense of loss will will never go away fully. It only gets easier to deal with it with time. That could take years. I don’t know if you have done or would consider grief counseling. It might help to move things along a bit sooner.
As for your daughter and Paul. Wow. All you can do is tell her how you feel. If she screams she screams.
I have spoken to a counsellor this week and I am going to do this on a weekly basis. I also have a further appointment with my GP on Tuesday.
I honestly give up with my daughter. It's pointless trying to talk as she is too focussed on herself and her relationship. The time will come when she wants to speak to me and I will bide my time. I don't like being used as her housekeeper as she doesn't pay me anything. That makes me sound bitter and I am not a bitter person but I am at the end of my tether.
One of my brothers showed up at my mother house unannounced with his wife and several her relatives for an indefinite stay. They all expected her to do everything for them. None of them made an effort to do anything. Mom had remarried. She and her husband had been maintaining separate residences for their own reasons. This propelled her into moving in with him. If nothing else if Paul is going to be there the household chores should be taken up by your daughter and Paul. You aren’t the maid, cook, etc.
It’s a real shame that the lock on your front door as broken on top of all this!!! I would get a locksmith in pronto, but make sure you find a crappy one that will only issue one key!
Lack of control is huge in grief, try to make everything as simple as you can.
Sending big hug and much love at this very difficult time
Anne you are amazing. You have such a good sense of humour and it has a purpose. Thank you for making me chuckle. I thought I had forgotten how to chuckle.
First PSP and then grief make me completely lose the plot. I don't know where this has all come from or why I have not become dehydrated with all the tears. The worst part is that I haven't spoken to the photograph of Les in the last few days. I have begged him to help me sort this but he is probably as frustrated as I am at this mess.
I can't fathom a way out and it's not like me. I'm tired, can't stop crying, apart from a chuckle, I just feel exhausted.
I haven't lost my Liz yet. And, still I am trying to rebuild a world around me that feels worthwhile. It is a long slow road.
Step one is getting plenty of rest!
A counsellor sounds a good idea too.
It sounds as if your home has been invaded. Do they contribute costs? I'm not a parent and so I cannot understand the dynamics of love and obligation that is probably taking place. Further it sounds as if their presence has started a new chapter in the house which was the 'nest' of your relationship with Les.
Maybe they need to sit down and hear your perspective so that at least they can be sensitive to it. Would it help to write it down and then for all to sit down and go through it point by point. I know that must be hard to do right now. Do you have someone who might help you do that?
I hate the idea of where you are at this point in time. If only I could prevent you losing your Liz. This damned disease is so cruel. You don't want to lose her and there is no choice in the matter.
Thank you for your suggestion of making a list to discuss things with my daughter but I know it would cause another explosion and I don't have the strength to deal with it.
My counsellor said I am breaking down so I perhaps should call the RAC. I am so low it is almost impossible just to get up each day.
I am not selfish and don't expect Fiona to realise what I am struggling with nor has she ever contributed to the house. She works full time and brings home about £270 each week. She drained my bank account last year and knows there are no funds left so she has to work. Les and I never asked our son or Fiona to contribute.
So I am left with nothing in my account apart what is needed to pay my rent and other household bills. There is nothing for luxuries such as shampoo and conditioner. Every bit of money she asked for she promised to pay back. Guess that was a stupid expectation. Her partner doesn't work but does of jobs for others so he doesn't have a regular amount.
Sorry for the essay and thank you for your suggestion. I will make a list to discuss when the time is right.
Unfortunately I am unable to work at the moment as I have a back injury that restricts me. I wish I could work as that would eliminate the financial worries until I receive for the compensation from my car accident.
It’s almost a year for me and I still have a hard time getting up in the morning. I think Jeff is fight. Could take a long time. Just rest and close your door. Take care.
Thank you Cuttercat, I am going to sit and relax today.
Fiona has said she will be back to sort our meal later so I will take her at her word. She actually came into the sitting room today and looked at me, perhaps she can see I am struggling. So for today I will take her word that she is cooking. She did come in, surprisingly, with some shopping last night. Maybe things are on the way up. Who knows.
I will be speaking to them as soon as I am in a better state of mind.
I have spoken with talking therapies, who in turn spoke to my GP. I am seeing my GP again on Tuesday. I realised I had no control over this feeling but I had promised my consultant that I would take steps and I have. I reached out for help and I am getting it.
No matter what I need to recover not one thing could support me in the way everyone here does. Thank you Anne.
Sorry to hear at the things that are happening and hope you’ll get yourself sorted in time
Your right in saying that when you lock your front door that is your space and sorry if I’m talking out of turn (which always gets me in trouble ) but I’d tell her to buck up or ship out if she doesn’t like it that’s her problem not yours
You needs the care and attention now to help you grieve as we are all different in coping with it and eventually you will come through it
She needs to be reminded it’s your home and not hers and also if she wants to stay she goes by your rules
Obviously all this is not helping your grieving process as she’s not helping
Hope you get sorted and take very good care of yourself as you well deserve it
Dearest Sue you are not speaking out of turn at all.
I will summon the strength when I am less tearful and face Fiona.
It all so good for her as she has Paul to bounce things off. I no longer have, along with so many others, the luxury of talking to Les. I am not in the least bit jealous but she needs to remember this. I don't expect to be the centre of attention but it would be nice if she thought about what she is doing. She is 35 so should have the maturity to realise.
I still have Archie’s ashes at home and photos of him up I speak to him often and vent sometimes if people heard me outside they would think I’ve lost it
You deserve to be the centre cause you looked after les where everybody on here knows that’s hard in itself then we have to get through the loss
Try to focus on all the good things that happened to you both and you will come good
Again sorry but your daughter needs to get a grip and move on being 35 she should know better
Thank you Sue, it's so difficult to get through this grief without more problems. I will get there and I know Les is beside me and being the same understanding man. He's probably wondering how this has all happened as he would never have allowed it to. I have been steamrolled into this as I didn't say no. I didn't say yes either.
I will get my head sorted and deal with it eventually.
I went into the garden at lunch time and an hour and a half came back in after pulling weeds and ivy and I should not have done it as I am in agony. I feel good having tidied the side as it looks completely different. I will take some painkillers and feel proud of myself for doing something. I have just woken as I fell asleep. Maybe this is a turning point for today as I have done some garden work
Thank you for replying to my post. I don't know how I would cope without everyone here. As we have all been or are in the same position I feel there is more understanding for each other and the care is invaluable.
It sounds like you are being abused financially and that given your current state of grieving and exhaustion you are being prayed upon and your home taken from you.
Were you to decide you wanted them out of the house you only need to call the Police. They have special officers who are sensitive and caring who will support you to make a decision and then to advocate for you. They are very good. And, if after meeting with them you decide to do nothing they will support you to do that too.
If nothing else please go to your GP as Sue has suggested. You need support!
If nothing else you need a break, I hear your coffers are empty. You could call Social Services... Sometimes there are funds they know about which will pay for that break.
PM me if you like, but you need to do something. This abusive situation will not go away.
Great response, Kevin. Support comes in all different ways and we often try to give our support by saying what people want to hear. Sometimes, however, the best support is to say the 'unsayable' and hope that it goes some way to relieving an intolerable situation for the recipient. Life is hard, sometimes we have to be harsh. i really hope that your post to Pat will give her the strength to deal with her awful situation before it goes any further. Do hope that you are keeping afloat and that Liz is being kept comfortable. Kind regards, Hils.
Oh Pat, what a lot to deal with. Someone mentioned a mediator which I think is a good idea as your daughter isn’t going to make it easy for you, she is onto too much of a good thing. Free board and lodgings and her own maid. Do you have a relative or good friend you could confide in and do the talking for you if you aren’t strong enough. At 35 many of us had families we were responsible for, and mortgages, you may have done so as well. You aren’t doing her any favours where it comes to helping her mature and be less selfish. Personally I’d give them both notice but if you don’t feel you can, split ALL the bills three ways and insist on payment, heat, light, council tax, food, etc and if they don’t like it or comply, give them their marching orders. I hope you don’t do her washing or ironing for her, I know many mothers do but again it doesn’t do them any good. If you do, tell her you won’t any more. She’ll soon wash her things when she realises you mean it.
Unfortunately only you can change the situation so please get help to do it. A friend of mine had four children and on their 24th birthday, those who were still at home had a bottle of champagne and a years notice to leave. They did. Sending you a big hug and hoping you have the strength and courage to change the situation. You love her, you are her mother but you should not be a door mat. You are worth more than that.
Thank you for your reply. You are right life is too easy for Fiona. Yes I do her washing. Any washing she does she thinks the fairies hang it out to dry, fold it and put it back in her room. In my defence I refuse to put washing in belongings to them both now as I am too tired.
I have made it too easy.
My friend has just returned from Ibiza to celebrate her 60th birthday. I will probably see her tomorrow and I am sure she will help. She is a really good friend. In July it will be the 8th anniversary of losing 2 of her 3 sons in a car accident. She has been through so much and yet is still there for me.
Nobody knows what is around the corner do they? That was and still is very hard for her to deal with.
I have just listened to the song you sent and it's really good. It is how we need to be and I hope Les heard it too. Thank you for being so thoughtful x
Life is a bitch or should I say female dog. That doesn't sound as good.
Where would I be without my amazing friends in this forum.
Having read all of these posts, I notice that you pay rent... is there any way you could downsize? If you and Fiona were separate, maybe you could both apply for appropriate benefits from Social Services. She would need to take responsibility for herself then and you would be able to begin a new chapter in your life. Don't think you are at the end of your life.....there are still many years ahead for new adventures, new friends, new hope.
Perhaps you are a little fearful of changing the status quo, but Fiona has already done that for you by bringing Paul into the mix.
All a radical idea, I know, but somehow you need to take control of your life again. And Fiona needs to take control of hers.
Praying for the tears to dry and a happy resolve to your dilemma.
Thank you for replying Juliet. I have read all of the posts and I know I am the weak part in this situation. It's unusual for me to crack as normally I would be on top of things in my home. I feel as though I have crashed. Hey ho today is another day.
Kevin is so right Pat, and I will be even blunter (one thing that PSP did leave me with is strength) - it's your house, your rules. I know right now you don't have the strength for confrontation but the reality is that if you don't nip this situation in the bud right now then you will never resolve it and you will be left with a legacy of even more problems. Your daughter is behaving appallingly and you should not be funding her if she is earning. Sorry if that's really harsh but that's the reality. Pleased you are getting GP support but you will never start to feel strong again unless your situation with your daughter and her boyfriend changes, and very quickly. Sadly, as parents, we sometimes have to be cruel to be kind. We won't be around forever so they need to stand on their own 2 feet. Hils. X
I know I need to speak up it is just hard to do at the moment.
I know I will get the strength to do it again.
Fiona asked if I would like to meet Paul's 3 children today. I told her I am not in a good position at the moment but I hope this wasn't Fiona trying to bring them here. They live with their mum so it wouldn't a case of them staying. At least I hope not. If that is the case I know I need to do something today.
Thank you for your encouragement. I will try to pull myself together.
I do understand, Pat, and I really hope that you can dig deep and find the courage to deal with your situation asap. Meeting Paul's children is something for the future I suspect; playing happy families is not on the agenda until you have other ground rules in place. Do it your way and don't feel bad about any decisions you make, whatever impact those decisions have. Nothing can be worse than the way you feel at the moment. Everyone here is behind you but it can only be you who makes the move to sort this out. No more preaching from me - lol. I wish you were local cos I'd come and scoop you up and we'd have a day doing something to cheer you up. Hils.x
I don't know how I would survive without the people in this forum and as you say the rules need to be laid down soon or I will be walked over for ever.
Please be kind to yourself. You are grieving and need to take things very gently. Tears are good, they will release your pain. Your daughter is also grieving, hold onto each other as you travel this change together.
You mentioned you have a son as well, would he support you and talk to his sister and tell her she needs to shape up or move on? If not is there a family friend that would talk to your daughter? Sometimes it's easier for someone a little removed but still knowing & understanding the situation to speak to someone and make them see how bad their behaviour is. Your daughter and her boyfriend should both contribute financially and do their share of the chores, at 35 you shouldn't be free loading on your Mum!
Thank you for your reply. I will try to speak to my friend today. I know she will help me. It's hard to ask someone to do something ì just can't do myself.
Be strong & ask, your friend may well have noticed and be worried about you and only too glad to be asked to help - it sounds like she would be. And she will hopefully get your daughter to see things from your point of view and understand how you feel.
I really hope that you will be able to sort something soon, like always there has been some amazing advice in all the answers. I just wanted to say, that I am pleased to hear that you have seen the doctor, because it does sound like depression, not easy to tackle without help. The other thing was reading all the information about your daughter, I had someone in my mind, someone irresponsible, someone selfish; in fact a teenager or early twenties minimum. I was amazed when I saw her age in one of your replies. I am sure she will be struggling with grief too, I am for my Mum and she is still fighting PSP, but your daughter needs to accept some responsibility. Time for some tough love, I hope you and your friend with be able to sort it out with her.
Thank you Julie. You are right about tough love. I do think Fiona is grieving but that is no reason for her being so irresponsible. I have never put my grief on her shoulders or disrespected a soul.
Sorry that sounds as though I am being horrid. I so appreciate the advice I am given from every person in this forum. I just seem to be sinking at the present time and can't stop.
PSP is so damned cruel and vile that we do our best to sort everything possible for our partners or family member. Then when they have left us we are left with such heartache that it's incredibly hard to handle. The void can never be filled. I need to get my act together as Les would be cross with me.
Pat , i agree your daughter is probably grieving too. BUT we say here that "There is no excuse for elder abuse". When CH was in early stages of PSP (although we did not know it) our daughter then about 35 with 2 children, had a kind of break down (we did not realise that either) she was extremely abusive etc. It took a friend of hers to take her for counselling. It did not help but we had to all live apart to deal with the whole situation. Of course we had each other to bounce off. If your girl is not doing the right thing you need to let her know and let her go. She will come back but you need space. Good luck ... Val
Hi Baileyboo and bless your heart. I agree about if you can move, maybe downsize some, that'd be a good way to end the mooching. And the live-in mooching boyfriend doesn't even have a real job and it doesn't sound like he's actively looking for a fulltime job? No no no! Your daughter may not realize it but they're taking extreme advantage of you at the absolute WORST possible time, because PSP leaves the caregivers GUTTED. Your daughter obviously KNOWS that right? I mean, we had to sit by all but HELPLESSLY and watch as our strong loved ones, were slowly beaten down by a huge monster, for years, every day until there was nothing left of our them.... while we helplessly and lovingly watched. We're left emotionally crippled, maybe for LIFE and that's ok because it was worth it to know the LOVE of our psp sufferer. What I'm saying is how DARE your daughter and this BUM who has no real job INVADE your private space and your GRIEF for your beloved husband by taking ADVANTAGE of you!!!!!
My daughter/only child went through about a year's time of being disrespectful and rude to me (for NO reason that has ever become apparent,) but she'd keep it just within the boundaries of what would have forced me to tell her I didn't want to see her anymore. I'd have never believed it would happen to MY daughter! ha! She was 21 and my dear daddy had just been (finally correctly) diagnosed with PSP and my new marriage was quickly falling apart because I didn't care about it or the HUZZband nearly as much as what was happening with my daughter and dad.
Long story short, please regain the respect from your daughter as only YOU can do, albeit with help from your friend or anyone else but you have to be the guiding force to make it happen. It's the only way to have a close, loving, fulfilling relationship with your grown daughter, by demanding the respect from her that you deserve as her mom, and don't forget it. Please don't get accustomed to and used to the disrespect in order to try to keep some peace in your life (many abuse victims do that and it only allows the disrespect to get worse over time,) because PEACE isn't what you'll end up with. DEMAND the respect you deserve and only then can you and your daughter move past this and end up enjoying a nice long relationship eventually. Please do it in honor of your dear husband who'd demand that respect for you if he could!
And lastly, they could be planning for his 3 kids to come stay with (you and) them for weekend visits or all summer long as many parents do who don't have full custody. It's a custody compromise but that jobless boy needs his OWN HOME before he goes inviting anyone ANYone over to YOUR house for ANYthing.
I'm too outspoken and I hope I've helped make you determined to do this and that I have in no way hurt your feelings. Please forgive! And in your replies a few times you said you probably sound horrible to say this or that but sweetie NO no no! When you say those things after that statement, we're all reading it and going YES YES YES!!!!! Don't let them take advantage of your VULNERABLE state of the deepest grief you'll ever have to deal with. That's just cruel!
Oh and one more lastly haha, that daughter of mine, after almost a year of being rude to me, she changed back into a sweet daughter and even since that time, for the last 4 years, she's the best blessing in my life, she's delightful and considerate, responsible and much more, everything I ever dreamed of. I think that's partly due to how I reacted to her year of disrespect which was, I didn't ignore it. I let her know I was devastated and she harshly rejected my feelings during that year but afterwards, she's apologized more than once and I don't even bring it up, she does but rarely which is good because i'd rather forget it now that it's said and done.
What I'm trying to add here is your relationship with your daughter might get worse before it gets better but that might be what has to happen. When it rains, boy does it pour.... then the sun will shine again dear lady. Just you wait and you'll see. You'll be in my prayers.
Thank you so much for your reply. You are not too outspoken at all. You are right in thinking my husband would never have allowed Fiona to speak to me how she does now.
I am allowing things to go over my head for the peace and quiet. I don't understand how this situation has arisen. I don't like arguments about anything never mind being walked over too. My stupid way of coping is saying nothing but boiling inside.
I miss Les so much I am still heartbroken at not having him here. He would have been 64 next Saturday and would be right by my side if PSP hadn't intruded. It is the most cruel, vile and evil disease. You are right in that we watch it claim, bit by bit, more of our loved ones each day.
If I didn't have the friends I have in this forum I could never survive. Knowing what we have all experienced and fought to control - unsuccessfully - PSP, has given us more insight into each others feelings. None of us wanted this experience but at least we have friends who understand us.
The situation I am in is out of my control. Although I have told Paul this morning that Fiona would never have dared to speak to me the way she does if her dad was still here. He took it onboard but who knows what will happen now.
I am going to try to pull myself together and stand up to them. The worst thing is that they will just come through the front door and go straight to Fiona's room and close the door. I will find a way around this.
Thank you for you reply, you are right, I need to stand my ground.
You are also right in that Paul doesn't have a job. He did start a maintenance position in March but left because he didn't like being told what to do. How has he survived so far is a mystery. He isn't all bad just not what I expect a man to be. He has a massive heart. I am not protecting him as he has said Fiona is in the wrong. I'm not going to make a fuss of this as she will come home shouting that I am talking badly about her to Paul. I can't win but will do my best to regain respect.
Dear Pat, 2 weeks have passed from your last post. I do hope you are getting stronger each day and your circumstances at home have improved. Sending you love and big hugs. Nanny857xx
Thank you for asking about my situation. I saw my consultant on Friday 14th and was told that I desperately need help and support. I didn't mind him saying that. I know I need something.
My daughter called me the worst names in the world amid a torrent of abuse two weeks ago. She also told me Les would be turning in his grave if he knew how I was treating her.
Some things can be forgiven but not the word I won't allow to be used in my home. I believe Mrs Brown on the TV says "see you next Tuesday" and referring to Les. I always told my family that if you wouldn't want something said to you don't say it. Now the words are out they can't be taken back.
This was added to my list of traumatic events in my medical notes. I sound tragic don't I.
Anyway I have told my daughter to find a flat for herself and Paul as quickly as possible as I no longer want her here under my roof. Until she finds her next home she has to buck her ideas up.
More importantly - and this is a massive positive - I have spoken to my son and daughter-in-law on Saturday, I asked if we could talk and they came to see me. We are now starting again and forgetting any part of the situation last year. I have my son and daughter-in-law back along with all my grandchildren
Stacey and I are going for a coffee this week. I am so happy that we have put it behind us. I listened to the advice you all gave me in this forum and now although things were said, it really doesn't matter.
The way forward is to enjoy their company and talk about things that might happen instead of letting it stew.
I am taking control of what happens in my home at last. So thank you so much everyone. I don't know where the courage came from but it came.
I am still grieving for Les and devastated that I no longer have him but I know he would be proud that some good is coming back into my life. I know there will be hard moments when I am in floods of tears but I also know that if I try I will find the strength to get through this.
This courage came, I believe, from the advice I was given by my friends here.
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