I don't really know who I am anymore. I look at myself and see someone I don't really like. I was never like this (yelling, etc. a shrew) and now am, numb and begging Charles' foregiveness for my actions. I just didn't know last year what it was all about and though this year is a bit better (the living hell, hell coming up (when he passes) and the hell of guilt) are keeping me in a state of agony.
How can we forgive ourselves? This disease is the absolute worst I could imagine and unless one knows what we are going through they will never understand. The loneliness, questioning even our lives together, etc. Robbing us of every good thing there ever was, and it's still not over. What then?