It has been a while since I have posted, I have been trying to get on with life and come to the realization that my mother in law is not here. Her end was so unexpected and fast that it didn't give any of us any time to process.
The week of her passing flew by, visits from family and friends and getting all the arrangements done kept our minds off it.
We had booked a vacation a month before her passing, we still went...it gave my husband and I the chance to catch our breath and talk. Most times we would listen to the song we chose which played during the viewing.
We are almost 2 months since her passing and I cannot describe what I am feeling, I am not sad, angry or mad....I am confused. Confused that I cannot visit her, confused at how she became so sick without warning, confused because the woman I visited for past few years was not the woman I once knew.
I am almost empty, I visit her grave (not too often as I do not believe she is there, I think she is around us) I look at her picture and don't remember most of what has transpired for the past 2 years. I don't remember most of the days leading up to the burial, it is a fog. Of course there was family drama, we are Italian, member of the family being upset that they were not in the receiving line...to which I yelled "I would gladly trade places with you!" People offering help, to them I felt like yelling "where have you been for the past 2 years when Laura needed you!!!! I don't need your help now!!!
I am angry that SHE got sick, I am angry that CBD exists but most of all I am angry she is not here.
I also feel guilt, guilty because before she received her diagnosis, I though she was faking it to get attention, guilty because I didn't visit her the day she died when she asked me to....the reason I didn't go was not because of her or because I didn't want to, it was a family issue....and I let that get to me....I will live forever with that guilt.
Her condo is being rented, all her stuff has been donated or put into storage ant physical trace of her is gone, all I have are memories, heIr life before CBD is starting to come back, 27 years is a long time to know someone.
I pray for everyone here, I haven't been able to write because I wanted to remove myself from anything to do with CBD/PSP...I don't mean to sound harsh I truly appreciate the love I have received in the past 3 months since I met you all, but I needed space to process.