Hi, last day in the French Alps. Did have one lesson, yes with the most gorgeous tall, dark and handsome French instructor!!! To frightened of hurting myself to carry on, so boots got hung up.
Having lots of laughs with my family, meeting them for lunch at the top of a ski lift. Plenty of Apre Ski going on. Or just sitting quietly enjoying the view.
It has made everything seem very real though. I am missing Steve so much. Even the fact that I know he would have hated this. It's stupidly expensive, thousands of people around, doing crazy things. He would just have wanted to get up high and walk or find some frozen waterfall to scale.
Now I have to face the fact he has gone and some how I have got to find a life for myself. Still feel totally exhausted, I suppose that is completely normal, after what I have been through in the last six years. But what can I do? Where do people go to find this new life? Tried the drop in cruise coffee mornings, but everyone was at least 20years older than me and been coming for years. No moving on, or getting on with life there! I can't go back to work. I totally except they have to run the business their way, but it will upset me, if I think Steve would not approve of their actions.
Oh well, that's Monday's problem. Now I am just going to carry on gazing at the crisp white snow, sat here in glorious hot sun, under deep blue skies. Knowing that whilst Steve would not approve of what's going on now, he did have many years of fun, hiking and climbing around here.
God, I HATE PSP!!!
Lots of love
Heady
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Wow! Sounds and looks amazing Anne! The instructor sounds a dish too lol!
Re what happens next, take it as it comes darling.....something my mum mentioned the other day was, when Dad goes she wouldn't mind helping with a food bank, a friend of mine does it and it's very rewarding and she's made loads of friends there too! Maybe join a walking group.....? Check out meetup.com probably things of interest to do in your area and NOT just for singles either!
This is all gonna take time and of course you'll miss your darling Steve and no doubt shed many tears! That's normal!!
For now take each day as it comes and try not to look ahead too much
It looks like a beautiful please. I'm sure he would want to see you happy. You need to take care of yourself. And being busy and doing things is great. It keeps your mind occupied. Stay strong. PSP is a nightmare and all of us know it. We just need to stay strong and connected.
Thanks Satt, I know there are things out there for me. It just having the strength to get up out the chair and try them. I want this bit over with now! I want a new life today! I feel more in limbo now, than I did before Steve died, at least I had a focus then.
I know it's still one day at a time, but I have been doing that for six years now, my patience has worn out!
If I find the answer, Heady, I will let you know!! I seem to have a similar problem.
It's hard doing things by oneself! But if there is a way forward, we have to take that first step alone!
I went to the movies alone, only to be told by my recently widowed friend that she had seen the same movie - also alone! So we do more things together.
My friend was part of a walking group I joined a year or so ago. Now I feel I need to branch out a bit more, try new things, maybe ballroom dancing!! Not felt ready to do more than think about it so far.
It does take time. Going away will be good for you in the long term! Love your view! But not the cold! I chose a subtropical island to escape to! But like you came away unfulfilled!
Something will turn up if I push myself along! Meantime I get satisfaction from putting my house to rights and buying 1 or 2 things that will see me comfy, like a new chair. It has a 10 year warranty. Hope I have at least that long to enjoy it!
Thanks Jean. I know I have to get through this bit, but it's horrible, I hate it, I want that new life now! The more I get out, the more I find I am missing Steve. No wonder people get trapped in their little bubble and stay at home, it's so much easier.
Note to everyone, get out as much as you can NOW, so you get use to doing things by yourself.
I'm not sure we can protect ourselves from this painful stage.
Chris and I did a lot together but also independently. We enjoyed sharing things afterwards. Now, when I meet friends whilst he is being cared for, I miss him dreadfully. Not guilt, just regret.
I remember after my mother died I caught myself thinking it wasn't worth doing things because I couldn't tell her about them. I had lived away from her for 30 years !!!
Maybe its an essential way of coping with loss ?
But I agree its a good idea to get out more. Its hard to arrange though.
Hey Heady, sounds that a lovely place and a 'break' that in the long term will have done you lots of good, though you don't realise it. For the moment, just try to find one thing, each day, to smile at, even just some spring bulbs coming through. Don't look at the 'long term' yet, take one day at a time, phone a friend, go out for coffee. Thinking of you, you are a brave person, life will get better Heady. Jingles x x x x
As so often you are describing very clearly a common dilemma of PSP, albeit a secondary one this time, "The Aftermath". With the help of some lovely French and English friends in our corner of South West France I have gradually found a new equilibrium which includes grief, aided also by spending the past two years writing a memoir of Roisin to try to understand how this apparently healthy woman who had never had more than flu in her 70 years could have contracted PSP. (I concluded from my research that there may be a strong link between psychologically traumatic life events, of which from childhood she had much more than a fair share, and susceptibility to neurological disease - but that is another story.)
When my brother Tony lost his beloved wife six months ago after caring for her full-time for 22 years, within a week he drew up a list of 19 things he would do experimentally in order to re-socialize himself and find new purpose. With much humour this 81 year old is gradually working through all the items which include clubs, societies, voluntary work, meeting old business friends, visiting his children and grandchildren as well as being visited, etc. Incidentally, his career took around the world so travel is not on his list (except to South West France!) Eventually the list will probably be reduced to three or four activities, all people related. At present, his life is hectic. The only advice I have been able to give him with some confidence is that, in addition, he could make time for learning to live alone with himself without feeling lonesome. Reading, listening to music, DIY, gardening, reflecting, enjoying memories, looking forward without feeling the need always to be 'out there'.
Heady, this is probably all superfluous because you have shown just how resourceful you are. I am sure coming to terms with 'the aftermath' of PSP will also come naturally to you. With my best wishes, Christopher.
Thanks Christopher. What a lovely idea. Not sure I am up to it yet, but I will try and write a list, see where it takes me.
As to your research, Steve never had anything like that. life was very kind to him, (apart from this evil disease!) with a little bit of help from some bloody hard work. I still maintain he was born with it. Certainly, as I try to go back to remember him before, I keep coming across little incidents, that must of been PSP related.
Sorry Heady, my computer has a gremlin today. I was trying to say that I do not intend to publish my memoir of Roisin because it was written for our son, Rupert, and myself. But I should like to do something useful with the 9 page appendix on medical conclusions and proposals for improvement in current treatment, and for prevention. At the moment I am seeking feedback from medical people; the two so far have been very helpful and encouraging. All being well, I hope at least to send the appendix as a brief paper to the PSP Association.
When you say that you have felt Steve may have been born with PSP, I know what you mean. My own long-held view of this is that some of us are born with genes that make us more susceptible than others to particular diseases. My father died of a stroke at the age of 52 when I was a child; four months later my mother, a healthy and very fit professional opera singer, developed stomach cancer from which she died five moths later. I have always believed that the trauma of her husband's sudden death triggered her own disease. Several members of her family were also victims of cancer which suggests a genetic connection. Hence the origin of my theory that a person's genetic profile may play an important part in making them vulnerable to certain diseases, including neurological ones.
Once again, my apologies for what must have seemed a very blunt and rude response to your email.
My pet theory, for what it's worth. Yes, I think Steve was born with PSP and thats when it started. It's such a slow progression, that it doesn't show up for years, until the real damage is starting to show. Everyone keeps looking for the trigger, chemical exposure etc., but what if it was the parents that had the misfortune to be exposed to these chemicals. Steve's father worked for Rolls Royce, making aircraft engines during the war, before Steve was born. Can't imagine health and safety was much in evidence then. A bit like the radiation leaks, the people exposed, that didn't die, most got some form of cancer, but it was their children that had some terrible problems.
If not they might be able to direct you to a trusted place.
Its not a bad idea to have one or two sessions. Though that really depends on the individual. Some folk just allow themselves to go through the grief process.
I lost someone close some thirty years ago. There is always a little hole in my heart which was once theirs. That's good, because though it will always be a sad place inside me it keeps their memory and all of the wonderful things about them alive for me as well.
Whatever you choose to do I wish you some healing.
Hi Kevin,. Had lots of counselling before, so don't feel ready for more just yet! But yes, I know the hospice will help if I need it. My daughter is a nearly qualified counsellor, is just finishing off, by volunteering for Cruise. I guess I will be sent off to someone quick, if she feels I need any help!
U 3A Heady. Most towns and many villages have them now. I'm going on 3 holidays with them this year and do several activities each week apart from now meeting up with individuals at other times. My son is bringing his calendar with him when he comes tomorrow to "book me" as I'm rarely at home all day on my own. I've just come home from another two nights away.
It sounds as if you have had an amazing holiday but that's not the end of it, make it the beginning of a new life. Of course we miss our darlings who we spent so many years with but we may have a good few years left without them physically with us but spiritually I feel C is still with me, wishing me well. A friend of mine and her husband have gone on a Saga holiday to Vietnam. She messaged me to say there are 9 people in their party who are on their own having lost their partners to illness but who are joining in and having a great time. She told me one lady went to Borneo on her own last year and had a brilliant time. She said this to encourage me as I have booked my flight to Canada in July and said to her, "What have I done?" Ahhhh.
I'm going to have a little nap now after two very late nights as this evening I'm going to an 80th birthday party and as well as being guests, a group of us are playing the ukulele including the friend whose birthday it is.
I'm pleased you have happy memories of your holiday and am sure you will have many more.
I have looked at them on-line, nothing that jumps out at me, but I have emailed them and have been told to ring a couple of the group leaders to find out more about certain groups.
In our travels around the world, we always came across single people having fantastic fun on their own. Not sure if I have enough get up and go, in me. But I am getting out of bed in the morning and at a reasonable time. Keep promising myself a lie-in, but can never do it.
Wow, you are off to Canada this year! That's wonderful Bev. Colin will be so proud of you. Everyone on this site certainly are.
Hi Anne. Perhaps we have a particularly good group in our village as we have 54 different interest groups we can join, something for everyone including a Sunday lunch group for folk spending the weekend alone. I haven't joined that one. Since Colin died I have joined a walking group and theatre group. I'm still playing the uke, I've just got back from playing in the local pub and am continuing with the art, darts and wine appreciation group.
I've somehow volunteered to arrange the next Christmas lunch? Not quite sure how it happened, a throw away remark after a few glasses at the wine appreciation group I think. I've got a few months to organise it though and have had loads of offers off help. I've already booked the caterers and the hall so can relax for the time being.
I do hope you manage to find something and your get up and go comes back from wherever it's gone. I was waking at the same time for weeks until one day I woke at 9.30 am. What a shock that was. Now I set the alarm if I'm going out in the morning just in case.
Nothing as interesting as a wine appreciating group!!! There is a lunch and theatre group, plus a solo group, which I am not sure what they mean. The rest is just learning a language or history. While it would do me good to learn to speak French or Spainish, never did at school. Don't think I am up to it! Oh well, tomorrow's problem. I need my bed!
I went yesterday to our 'solo' group, ours is called MOTO members on their own, I've nick named it the last of the summer wine group! I needed some younger solo companions, it would have been more suitable for my mum if she were still around!!,
As you said were do you begin to pick up the pieces!
Thanks Debbie! I had held out some hope for that!!! Still there are three groups mentioned so perhaps, they spilt the ages, 🛫🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🛬. I will make an effort soon and contact them. Can't dismiss it, if you haven't tried it. I will message you later.
Oh Heady that looks absolutely fantastic....It so reminds me of Bruce. He loved to go skiing He and the boys and my daughter if i remember would take the real hard runs . The scariest thing for me was trying to get on the dang lift! and I wasn't so adventuruous as they....no one liked the boring runs which meant that they were quiet and peaceful and all to me....haha
I can only encourage you to do what NannaB is doing. join up and do classes or projects that take you here and there. K1 looks like he's got somewhere for you to go on the internet...and Barnacle has been down the road of grief for a few years now....heck they all had something good to say.....I do believe that grief therapy would be a good thing to do. That's really all I have to say my friend ....
Hi AVB, don't worry I will try and take the advise given.
The chair lifts got me as well. If it wasn't for the gorgeous man I was with, I wouldn't have used it at all. No way, was that going to happen on my own, so yes, it was the end of my skiing career!
haha....Yah cold sweats just thinking of the lifts and unfortunately no cute men... just a bunch of kids on Spring Break from school being either snotty or stupid....I , on the other hand , was quite lovely and ready for good banter; explaining to the darlings the uniqueness of a snowflake or the mehanical goings on of the transport system we were on or how to do this or that.........asked one student "what are you, a school teacher?" Why yes I am I said with pride......"geeze can't get a way from them!!!" said his friend .hahaa
hahahahha so true....How is it that our day was so filled with higher moral standards....We only see what we want to see!
I have to believe that you will find your way when your Ready. I believe I still have a good ways to go with Neil in the hell we know as PSP. I find myself worried about being without him now , that's only if this dam disease doesn't take me with it.Have you tried looking up old school mates, at least you know that they are your age , the only reason I say that is that on my Facebook 2 school mate pop up that I have not talk to in 25 + years. I would have to says it another new form of loneliness , and PSP just keeps on giving .
Hi Anne,Steve would love you enjoying anything don't have any doubts! I am sure they felt so guilty we were tied to looking after them to see us living again would please them.Like Nana B I have joined the U3A and am enjoying it.No more chemo for now, getting checked out again in April, earlier in April going to Rome with friend Carole.In the meantime we plan a trip (on the coach) to London and will "do" the Tate modern,then we can criticize with knowledge or hopefully enjoy it.Last night I went to see Bridget Jones Baby on my own in the village hall but soon met friends there.Told Des all about it while I made myself a drink definitely not a film I could have got him to,I think the men there were there reluctantly but the laughter seemed quite masculine in the film.Enjoy your new car. I am sure you could try a group at your local U3A without committing yourself,Good luck Love Px
I am feeling OK the hair is making a comeback so I am hoping come April I shall be able to go out uncovered in that department.
Friday 10th Mar to 15th I have nothing planned at all and would love to meet up for a coffee or lunch somewhere.I have satnav so usually manage to find places
This morning I am off to an exercise class with U3A,Des gave me exercise, lots of tissues to pick up and helping him get off the floor when I could but there are unused muscles there I have found.The most heavily subscribed groups are wine appreciation but I fear they might be too serious for me who just enjoys a glass with friends.
Very blowy but sunny here at the moment,hope you have the sun in Clevedon.
I love your pic, love your with the family there! Took my mom on vacations with my family, looking back it's worth every penny for the memories.
I have a different take on your desire to find healing. Please don't take me wrong but I was raised in by an extremely hard working family. Dad would say Work Hard, Play Hard. Asked him if he was ever going to retire and he said,"And Do What?". When my mom gets worried about her condition, gets soft, I tell her to "Man Up", gets her to laugh best she can.
I say get a job, not a full time one u have to dedicate yourself if u can avoid it, as it leaves time to see what else may come up. We didn't have time to greave after my fathers death with all the work he left behind. Looking back nights are the worst, get into a couple of tv series, start with (Heart Of Dixie) pace yourself, it's good.
My wife is a homemaker, takes care of me, full time job not kidding, my last kid just went to college, I offered her services to a neighbor to help take care of their kids three days a week in the early mornings as both parents work. Cuts into my schedual, breakfast out with her once a week, but gives her the fix of being needed, and expelling some of the love she gave on a daily basis to my kids.
Enjoy your time up there, take pictures and print them.
The view looks therapeutic at least!! But how do you begin to make a life for yourself after PS******P robbed you of your dreams and the person you intended to spend them with. I know there's lots of other cruel illnesses as well, but PSP dose seem cruel to the extreme
And you know you are in the midst of the grieving process. I am praying that you can put a foot forward and turn the corner towards pulling out of this deep grief. Everyone says it will get better, you know it will, but right now you ache for your darling and the way things used to be. Sending prayers for peace, Heady.
Heady if you find out where to find this new life, please let me know. Don is gone, left January 21 and I am totally exhausted and have now come down with a cold and cough which is my pattern. My daughter came over with her husband to make sure I haven't a fever. Funny, not, I never run a fever and to make sure I eat something healthy. My clothes are falling off me. ridiculous, I haven't got the strength to go to a store and figure out which size jeans, which is what I live in, will fit. I went from an 8 to a 4 and now they are getting to big on me. I swear I eat but obviously not enough. Might have to try jrs.
I miss him so horribly, talk to him out loud and in my head. Our doggies are confused, that I know, so they are the only ones who can hear me. I am having a a memorial of his life gathering for him tomorrow. None of his family are coming, even his twin. I feel in my heart and soul he is watching over me. I believe in the after life which is the only thing keeping me going. I will be with him again and our daughter. Did I ever mention they both passed on the same date, 30 years apart Hate PSP as well.
Audrey you spent a lot of time looking after D, it has taken a toll on your body, eat drink and sleep, sleep is what you need. Wish I could just come and bring you a nice hot soup, and give you a big hug. Yvonne xxxxx
Yvonne, If I could stop coughing that would help. Just called my Dtr to see what I could take over the counter since I have high blood pressure and a few minor heart problems, lucky me.
Jean, All I want to do is sleep. Yes the pain of calling for him and then realizing he is not with me, hurts so much. Big hugs mean so much to me. TY for yours,
Hi Audrey, I can't seem to talk to Steve, except the odd rude comment.
I think going down with a cold is par for the course. I did, about the same time into this new world as you. Our sinuses are raw, we are mixing with lot more people, tired, run down, no more running on adrenaline. Don't stand a chance. Not sure that I haven't got another coming now!
How sad to lose a daughter, but to have your husband die on the anniversary, must be especially painful.
Our dog acted a bit strange, when Steve died, but didn't really have much to do with him, was far to young and Steve couldnt react with him. He did miss the carers coming in though, or was it the treats they bought in???
Anne, well the stupid cold is now in my chest, coughing my head off, no fever. Even if I had one not one thermometer in my house works. I would say probably the treats Going to lay down again. Haven't heard from Dtr, typical for him. I know my dogs miss him, when I go into bed they are right next to me. They know Mommy is upset but since Don was in and out of hospitals and rehab, they perhaps think he will be coming home. TY for the big hug and sending one back.
Heady, They know darn well they are not allowed on my bed. Don used to chase them off, but they sleep in their beds right next to me. I wish they could talk and know that he is not coming back. He was in the hospitals and rehabs so many times that maybe they think he will be home soon. Oh, I miss him so. Without him I am nothing.
Audrey, you are somebody. Just the same as I am. It's going to take time and effort to find that person. We have no choice in the matter, if we wake up, then we have to get up. I don't where I am going to find the strength to carry on. My problem is lack of patience. I want this bit over now, it looks far to grim and lonely, but again, there is no choice. We will get through it, just like we survived looking after our loved ones. Together!!!!
Anne, You are feeling what I am feeling. Today is a month and I woke up crying. Strength, I don't have any either, feel so weak, all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep. Guess that's my way of coping with what I am not ready to face. I don't know if I am making the right decision moving in with my daughter and the kids and her husband. Everything I want to do she knocks down. It hurts. It would be my hotel room if she would stop being so damn stubborn. I m paying for the changes not her. Also will be paying her rent. I will try to keep in touch when I am not sleeping, which translates to hiding.
Heady, Using a king size from our bed for now on my twin bed. It is a stripe on solid. Tiger stripes that sounds interesting Just ordered some new panties from Hanes, they are having a free shipping day, 6 pair for $10. Anytime I can get free shipping I am on it. Assorted colors, haven't a clue of what I will get but....
No you didn't! I have got a new car, 'cause my box on wheels was too much. Couldn't cope with the reminder. I had to buy a new tumble drier, old one died! Not that it was old, I think it collapsed on the day after the guarantee ran out! Obviously, my wardrobe, was not conducive to skiing, so new outfit there. My next big buy, is a dress for my niece's wedding in 6 weeks. But have to lose a few pounds before that. Afraid this comfort eating has to stop.
Love my new sofa Of course I have to cover it with a sheet because of the doggies. Been thinking about a new car but I really think that would not work financially. Besides it only has a little under 8000 miles on it. Of course the drier died. They usually do that at the worst time. A new dress, what fun. I don't remember the last time I wore one. Did buy another pair of jeans, since that is what I live in.
It looks amazing ! Like you I hate skiing but love the atmosphere. Have you thought of looking at the university of the third age. They have lots of different things to go to. Good luck. Xx
Lovely to hear from you Heady.David and i hold many skiing memories.The view you posted was beautiful.Got all the family this weekend and we are off to visit David then out for sunday lunch.Take care xxxx
Hi Heady. As far as finding other things to do, may I suggest you contact a local branch of the U3A (University of the Third Age). It is not a university but a group of people who get together monthly for a friendly meeting and a chat and always an interesting speaker. HOWEVER, the main point of U3A is that as a spinoff from the main meeting countless of other groups are set up to cover many other interests. In our local U3A we have 35 spinoff groups like walking groups, reading groups, foreign language groups, etc. The list is endless. We have 250 local members age ranging from retirement (60) and up. Many people go along by themselves but soon make friends. Hope this is helpful. In the meantime it sounds like you're doing amazingly well.
I think you are doing what you need to get through a dark time - finding your feet again, slowly maybe, but that is no bad thing. Take your time, some things will be good but others won`t.
With P in a nursing home, I am gradually doing other things. I`ve joined a couple of clubs/groups, some have worked for me but some haven`t.
You can`t sweep away or forget a lifetime together, it takes time to find "you" again !
Hi, Heady. I do admire your getting out and about all the while you are recovering and grieving and thinking about where you will go next. I am divided in my dreams of what I will do with my life after, if there is an after. Go full hermit in some wild remote place or find a sword and go fight these monsters that are destroying the world I love? All I know now is that my life now is not at all what I might have hoped for. I'm not a natural at this caring thing, and I HATE having my house full of strangers. But I adore my guy, and this is not what he deserved. So taking care of him is my real job now, and after is a far-off country.
Anyway, of course you are exhausted, in the very real meaning of that word. You keep on, and things will get better. You have a spirit that inspires me, but oh, how your missing Steve wrings my heart. And I hug my dear man more closely.
Hi EC, please give your man that extra hug and one from me as well. That lovely numb bubble that I have been in, is slowly shrinking now and the pain is setting in. My missing Steve, is getting stronger each day. I know this is all normal and actually means that I am moving forward, but it hurts.
I think you are right, unfortunately! My real feelings have been buried so deep over the last few years. I don't know how to feel anymore. Certainly, how to express them to others. Only on here, do I open up and that's not fully. Far to scared!
That is quite a view Anne but I totally understand that you are reeling after losing the man you loved. I think that we all cope differently with loss and some can't just get involved with socialising with people we don't know in the early days. When my mum lost my dad she was never in and wouldn't be by herself if at all possible, I personally think she would have been better to give herself some grieving space but we cope in different ways.
Take good care of yourself Anne and take one step at a time in order to regain your strength and sparkle.
Hi Heady, somehow I missed this post. That is an amazing view, and I'm glad you got to have lots of laughs with the family. As for the future, you will get that new life, maybe not as soon as you would like, but hold on, it will come. Sending you lots of love and a big ((hug)). Nanny857xx
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Going to lay down again. Haven't heard from Dtr, typical for him. I know my dogs miss him, when I go into bed they are right next to me. They know Mommy is upset but since Don was in and out of hospitals and rehab, they perhaps think he will be coming home. TY for the big hug and sending one back.
Lost my father 
Hi all,my dad passed away very peacefully this morning,we took him from the hospital away from the blood tests etc,
