"There was [a 3rd planet], but not an... - Prostate Cancer A...

Prostate Cancer And Gay Men

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"There was [a 3rd planet], but not anymore."

CommodoreDecker profile image

I filled out a questionnaire and it encouraged me to make a post here. I got a prostatectomy a week ago, Friday.

I'm powering through all the pain, incontinence issues (I'm peeing - just not at times I'd like to), 1,000 trips to the rest room, and most importantly I feel people around me are treating this like "a day at the market."

I'm here in hopes I can get suggestions, both from previous posts, and any feedback others can make here. I'm a gay male with a partner. That partner hasn't been sexually involved much over the past 5 years (maybe more) and, I think, is relieved I won't be bothering him with any sexual frustration I've had in the past. It sounds perverse, or mean spirited, but from diagnosis, surgery, and now recovery - while this has been a whirlwind over the past couple of months - I only now catching my breath.

I'm ready to ask questions and get answers but I'm also mourning my "previous life" of full health and sexual satisfaction. Everyone is treating the post-surgery "a success" - and it is - I stayed alive, but it's also traumatic for me by taking a central satisfaction I had, completely away from me.

I desperately need to get a handle on this or I'm going to be insufferable to others.

I've always been "the clown in the room." The guy who uplifts others' moods with comedy, absurdity, and hilarious and illogical conclusions to their question.

I not in the driver's seat on this and no one seems very interested in assisting me in my distress - they don't see that as an issue - even though I've more than hinted at it. I'm sure they "know" but don't want to take any steps to meet me halfway, so I have to figure it out by myself.

That's the reason I'm here right now.

Commodore Decker, out.

6 Replies

When your catheter comes out, you can begin penile rehab. I recommend the book:


It sounds like you rushed through the process, which was unnecessary, but is all too common.

Don't forget to do your kegels.

I had many of the same thoughts after my prostatectomy. There is no quick fix, and the process is not an easy one for many people. I decided to get some psychotherapy which helped a lot, and with your relationship issues it could be helpful on many levels. I also stopped comparing my recovery to others which only made me feel like a failure if I didn't, uh, measure up like they did.

By all means, start penile rehab. Keep in mind that you are still a sexual being, though your ways of expressing it might have changed. Oral is my big thing now that I'm firing blanks. It's early to sort out all the circumstances, and your physical responses are likely to change -- and hopefully improve -- with time. As I told someone when I started taking ED drugs years ago, a limp dick is not a failure of my masculinity, it's a matter of hydraulics. Keep up with the humor, do your kegels. You need to talk, we're here.

I can't offer much more than to say you're not alone, many of us have been through what you are experiencing now. I had my RP in May of 2019. My urologist was explicit in warning me about potential side effects of the surgery. I understood, accepted those facts and felt that I was well prepared going into the surgery. But I was surprised how little that understanding helped coming out the other side. I have largely recovered my urinary control but still have total ED. Coming to terms with that has been an ongoing process. It's getting better. You're right, this is a grieving process. Like you, I have been with my partner (now husband) for 44 years. We have not been sexually active for some time. That has made my loss of sexual function easier.

As others have mentioned, do your Kegels. Additional core strengthening exercises also help. There are coaching videos on YouTube. A consultation with a physical therapist specializing in male urinary incontinence may also be helpful. If all else fails there are surgical interventions that may help with incontinence. The same goes for ED. Many guys have used bimix/trimix shots with success. MUSE suppositories are also an option as are penile implants.

So, welcome to the club. We're here to help. Feel free to ask any questions that you might have.

I can certainly relate to what you are going thru now even though I did not go the surgery route. I had 39 treatments of EBRT+ ADT (6mo) after a Gl 7 (4+3). My husband and I have been together for 53 yrs this Dec. and have not had sex together for approx. 2 yrs do to his inability to get an erection with his depression meds and now my situation with Lupron. I now have ED as well and have started using a penis pump to help with some rehab. I have always been the bottom but we have not had penetration sex since the 80's but still ejaculated together and we were happy. I have recently come off of the last 3mo shot of Lupron and hope I will start to see some action in the ability to reach orgasm soon. If that happens then things will look up. I only hope you will see a light at the end of your tunnel eventually but this damned tunnel is a long one so you will need to keep your spirits as up as you can until you see that flicker of light. Never give up on hope!

I had my surgery in late May 2021 - I am finally getting closer to solving the incontinence issue (I hope) with a single pad during the day. I also started pelvic biofeedback on a weekly basis - I credit this process with some of my progress. It may be too soon to start; but, I'm optimistic about this therapy.

ED has continued to be a problem though BiMix has produced a pretty good erection. The injections are still not an exciting process for me. Like JC Taylor, I was told of the side effects but deluded myself into thinking my health would make me the exception. Six months later I am optimistic that the urinary issues will resolve themselves soon with the help of Kegel exercises and biofeedback.

I'd like to report erectile improvements but am still not comfortable I have a strategy that works for me. Good luck and keep working your kegel exercises.

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