Everyday is new, but who expects to have cancer

Been reading the comments, but decided to jump in a newbie-I always got a PSA Test, but even though it was always almost zero, after my exam several years ago, my doctor said-I think you need to see...And here I am 3 years later, cancer free, prostate removed-and like so many others, transported to a quiet, lonely isolated place, with no one to tell how I feel. I dont want to tell just anyone what is going on inside, and my spouse is not interested in hearing about what I feel and how I try to deal with it. I am here, hoping as I read other posts that I will feel more secure to open up and share. My doc had suggested groups and therapists, but unless they were gay, it just wouldn't help me. I'm retired, over 65, and sad that my life change so much so quickly-but I still can laugh and most days are great.

11 Replies

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  • Hang on to those good days--they really come from good thoughts. Meaning: we are as happy as we let ourselves be. Those of us with prostate cancer--in whatever stage--do need to make ourselves heard, especially with our spouses. I, too, am gay and my partner is most indulgent: he listens. Our talks together continue but I can tell it takes a toll on him as well. I, too, am just over 65 and retired. I went to my first prostate cancer support group in November. It matters not if you are gay or straight. The men are all there to hear you without judgement. Try one in your area. I live Seattle and plan to attend UsToo sessions as often as I can. Talk to your oncologist. Read books on the subject. Keep having those Happy Days. Let's keep in touch.

  • thanks for your reply. I've talked to my oncologist, and one of the questions they always ask older individuals, if they are depressed and think about suicide, to which I say yes, and everyday, but I would never do it, as I don't want to make so many people happy all at once. I believe life is sacred and you ride it out to the end. I have toooooo much to do to give up. But I told him that groups don't usually give me peace for what I want to know. But there are different kinds of support we receive from our spouses-I do have someone who is always there if I need help, if I need to go somewhere, to pay bills if I cannot, who worries, who I can make laugh and who makes me laugh too, but each of us has baggage, and somethings are not conversational. It reminds me of when my father talked to me about sex-"Do YOU have any questions about THOSE THINGS" he asked me down in the cellar, and I quoted his exact words, before I said "no." "Well if you do, just ask" some people ask you to tell them what you are feeling, but they secretly hope you will keep your mouth shut. but thanks for everyone who has read this and listened.

  • sorry your spouse seems not to be helpful--any hope of him coming around, or is that just the way he always is? if it isn't, he may have his own issues about it (i.e. he may be freaked out or scared about what has happened, too)--too bad there isn't a gay couples/prostate cancer group--but I'd be tempted to talk with a counselor alone and/or with him if he were willing. Can you find a gay therapist?

  • some people are just that way-like trying to get them to make a will, and they are thinking you've been watching too many shows on how to get away with murder, and you just believe it is better to say what you want done with everything than to let everyone sort it out later. i'm not really into groups, one on one I've done, and it was helpful, but as Ive aged its easy to accept what occurs, even if you want to say how you feel about it. I tend to be practical and pragmatic. i'm not really into couples therapy, because I learned in my own past-whats said in therapy isn't like leaving it in las vegas. LOL People who ask you to tell them the truth, usually don't expect you to do that, and when you do, they seldom are happy you did. Its not so much a question of feeling unloved, as feeling alone. However, all that being said, I actually have plenty to keep me busy and believe everyday should be or will be better, and I just keep going, as that stubborn old geezer that I am-

    thanks for your advice, as it is comforting to have others take the time to respond to my note.

  • I think I know some of what you're going through. I elected radioactive seed implantation in 2004. Although I was out as a gay man, I wasn't sexually active or emotionally secure about being gay the year the implantation was done. Now, 12 years later, I'm much more active and completely comfortable about being gay. However, I just turned 68, have been on some medications for epilepsy and depression and although my libido is as strong as ever my ability to act on it is very, very, very (did I say very ?) limited. I realize I've done a lot of talking about myself but I hope that by setting up my situation, you've gotten a window in to the fact that one other man out there is feeling alone, isolated and "less than".

  • Yeah, I hear you. I take meds for blood pressure and reflux. My libido too is overactive, and I was worried about how the nerve sparing surgery would turn out. Not what I expected or wanted, but more than just a memory. As I have told others, at least if I ever visit a nudist colony they will never know what I am really thinking about. And you have told me much the same that I read before I had surgery, that overtime we all learn to deal with our shortcomings and just keep on living. I do hope you stay busy enough to laugh a lot. It seems that since it has been so many years you must have found some successful ways to cope.

  • Thanks

  • I am 67 years old, had my prostrate removed in 2013 and am cancer free. Yes, my life has changed in certain ways but I do feel one must always look at the positive side. We are alive and can still experience all live has to offer. Bless of luck in your continual journey.

  • Piglett, I think you can see from the various replies that there a many ways to respond to "our" predicament. I give myself pep talks daily, keep busy with activities that are meaningful to me, maintain a sense of humor and try to remember that, yes, it could be worse. I believe that many men in our age group would be receptive to "touching" in new ways. A really good man is hard to find.

  • how true. and I agree with your premise of "touching" As we age it would be nice to find someone who was willing to trade massages without thinking sex, just so the acing muscles would relax. Busy uses time and takes away worry- I started to keep a notebook writing down what bothered me so I could laugh at it and someday be a comic with a little relief. I find it good that there are so many differences between everyone because it tells me -you never know, and everyone just keeps on truckin, and we're not alone.

  • You are one wise and funny fellow, Pigglett. Your idea about getting a massage without a "happy" ending is brilliant. I forgot how I enjoyed giving and receiving a deep tissue massage. I have toyed with keeping a journal. Sometimes I cringe at the pedestrian nature of my observations. We are not alone. Share anytime.

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