Thank you to everyone, time out has given me a chance to reflect

[Positive2022]

Hi All

Firstly, thank you to everyone who kindly messaged me when I said I needed time out. I have had a chance to do some reflecting. In truth, I have not been in the best of places despite me trying to convince myself that I am okay.

To summarise, I have a very complex gynaecological history involving fertility treatment. Although this was successful (and I will be eternally grateful for this), I had a very traumatic birth resulting in a prolonged labour, huge amounts of intervention and assisted delivery, large postpartum haemorrhage and a poorly healed episiotomy scar requiring surgery. My daughter was born with several injuries (minor thank goodness but I was very upset by this).

In my opinion I received very poor antenatal and postnatal care. Examples include wrong blood tests being carried out and needing repeating, referrals going missing and needing to be resent and my confidential maternity notes (detailing my fertlity issues) were lost and then eventually found, having been posted through another person's letter box.

I was pushed into breastfeeding. At my 3 day check with the midwives I couldn't stop crying. I was struggling so much to breastfeed. Despite my very low mood, I was pushed to continue. I was told that my posture was wrong, the way I was holding my daughter was wrong and that I should be working harder to establish a better latch.

It was implied that because I was failing to breastfeed adequately my daughter had lost too much weight. I was encouraged to go into hospital an hour away to try and improve my ability to breastfeed. It was advised my husband did not attend. I declined. I wanted to be at home with my family around me for support.

A week after giving birth, a midwife finally sat me down and explained that I was never going to be able to produce milk because I was so anaemic. Borderline blood transfusion. I felt physically unwell, terribly guilty and absolutely exhausted. I felt a failure.

At my postnatal check I was very low having had what I can only assume was a bad case of the 'baby blues'. I asked the GP I saw why I had experienced such a large haemorhage. I was told that there was no information in my notes about this happening and therefore was considered 'insignificant'. Either my notes had not been forwarded on or had not been read properly as my copy clearly stated the complications I endured.

Devastated by my lack of support I changed GP surgeries and my current GP has been amazing. She said she has a background in obstetrics and does all the new mum and baby checks. She listened and has gone above and beyond, signposting me to all the right services whilst seeing me every 3 - 4 weeks for a review. She diagnosed me with PND. Naturally in the NHS things take time and I patiently waited my turn for treatment. I have been compliant with all treatment recommended and finally listed for surgery.

After having my surgery cancelled twice for non clinical reasons everything has now come to an abrupt halt due to COVID-19. Every avenue of support I had slowly built up has sadly come to an end (GP, family / friends, Health Visitor, therapy). Unprecedented but devastating.

I was told that I need another 12 months of treatment for my episiotomy to fully heal. 12 months! And that's after surgery.

I am not a young mum. I have 'wiggle room' but with potential fertility treatment needed, I am slowly coming to terms that another baby is not likely. It is one thing choosing not to have another baby, but it feels as though that choice has been taken away from me. The reality is I can't move forwards mentally until my physical symptoms are resolved which can't be done without surgery. I am losing hope that this will happen any time soon.

With the current climate the way it is, I don't know who to contact for help. I am a very low priority in the grand scheme of things and I know I am not alone feeling the effects that COVID -19 has had on everyone's care.

But I just feel so low that there had been no resolution to my gynae issues.

If you have got this far, thank you so much for listening and I hope you are all doing okay. Sending love and BIG hugs ❤️💕❤️

[cmbxm]

my surgery has also been cancelled due to covid19 and pushed back for the foreseeable future, I was so ready to see if there was a reason why I can’t conceive, I’ve found my GP is a massive help, I’ve spoken to her over the phone about my worries and she’s been an absolute rock for me to lean on during this, hasn’t technically been able to do anything but has helped me rationalise my concerns and make me see it’s not my fault my operations been postponed plus the corona has sent my anxiety through the roof regardless so I’m not the best patient at the moment anyway 😂 might be worth booking a telephone appointment with your GP just to voice your concerns and I’m not sure if they’re active but I do know you can receive fertility counselling, I’ve personally never looked into it but I’ve seen a lot of other women suggest it, might be worth giving that a look into, sending hugs gal! ❤️

[Positive2022 in reply to cmbxm]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and i'm sorry that you have had your surgery cancelled too. I'm glad you have received help from your GP. I have been under my local service which provides more mental health support (was told they do not offer counselling!) and unfortunately they have cancelled my therapy now. But I do now how to keep myself going, just feels so upsetting that through no fault of my own I can't see any resolution at this stage 😔 i hope you get your surgery soon and you continue to get the support you need ♥️

[cmbxm in reply to Positive2022]

You need to remind yourself that nothing is your fault and you’re never in the wrong especially in this situation! If you ever want someone to rant to or just need a chat, my dms are open ❤️

[Positive2022 in reply to cmbxm]

Thank you so much. I have been feeling so alone especially with everything going on at the moment. It's hard trying not to lose hope. I hope you are okay also, I am here if you need me too ♥️

[Winter_Girl]

Hi Poppy. Nice to see you back.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I've not had PND myself but I saw my SIL go through it for 18 months before she sought help. She also had physical difficulties following a traumatic birth, and I know it has had a massive impact on her.

I know you say you were under you local service and therapy has been cancelled, but are you able to go back to your GP directly for support? A little chat every few weeks? I know that may not be possible.

You could try the charity MIND? They have a helpline number. I'm not sure exactly what support they can offer, but it couldn't hurt to try?

Mental health is very important, particularly at the moment, so I can't believe there isn't any help available from somewhere.

Don't think too far in the future yet. You can only take it day by day / week by week, especially right now as everything has come to a halt, so whilst we aren't all the same boat, we are all in the same storm.

I had fertility issues too, so I know how hard it is to deal with that particular issue. I can only imagine how tough it has been on hou having to deal with all that after finally having your much long-for baby. It sounds like the hospital were extremely negligent. Did you ever file a complaint or have a debrief with the hospital? Might be something to consider.

My SIL's little boy is now 3 and she is 3 months pregnant. I know you say time isn't on your side and, of course, there are fertility issues to factor in, but there is some hope for the future. She is proof that you can get through the fog.

I hope you get the help you need soon, and I fingers crossed this is over soon and you can get a date for your surgery xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Winter_Girl]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Everything has come to a head for me. I've kept going like the energising bunny for so long now that I almost feel like my body is giving up on me. Hard to explain but i'm finding it so hard keeping positive now. I know what I need to do to keep myself healthy and I am proactive with this but it's not really changing my mindset. Until my physical issues have been resolved, I can't move forwards. Hard to explain to loved ones so i'm feeling very alone right now but just to be able to offload and put down on paper what's been going through my mind for so long has helped a bit. I asked about counselling but my local service is more or a talking therapy and said this wasn't available. They told me that the type of therapy they feel would help me can only be done face to face so cancelled indefinitely. Yes I did file a complaint, took me a long time as I was so unwell after giving birth that it took me a long time to feel physically 'normal' again. Emotionally I have never fully recovered but after my surgery was cancelled I was advised to complain by my Consultant as he said that should never have happened. He tried to over rule the decision but failed. I went through the proper channels and reported my issues about the birth. It got me no where. Then boom, COVID-19 hit. My GP is phoning me tomorrow. I'm not sure what she can do to help me but perhaps getting things off my chest to her will help me. I hope you are okay too and I am always here for you as well ♥️

[gillyl]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Glad to hear that your new GP is taking you seriously. I know things will take time to get sorted but please don't give up.

The Covid thing won't last forever, it's a difficult time and I can't even imagine what you're going through.

I had a difficult experience with breastfeeding too, I wanted to but my son arrived at 33 weeks via emergency section and went into the NICU for 2 weeks when he was born (which was expected due to a pleural effusion diagnosed at 20 week scan) and then later developed pyloric stenosis which required surgery. My milk never really came in properly - the most I could pump in one session was 20ml on average. I gave up eventually, now he is exclusively formula fed. I believe that there is too much pressure on new mums to breastfeed. It's not for everyone and your choice should have been respected.

I really hope that you can get your surgery soon. Take each day as it comes and try not to watch too much of the news about Covid, it'll only add to your worries.

Take care and stay strong, it may not feel like it but you got this far, you're an amazing lady (even if you don't feel like it) after everything you've been through

Xx

[Positive2022 in reply to gillyl]

Thank you so much for your kind response. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time too. I hope you and baby are doing okay now. I tried so hard to breastfeed and wanted to but as I had a large haemorrhage and was so anaemic, my milk never came in. When I look back, I don't think I realised at the time how unwell I was as I had a newborn to look after so just kept going. But I almost feel I was set up to fail as they really did push me so hard and then made me feel a failure when I couldn't produce the quantity of milk needed. Despite being in alot of pain down below after giving birth, I was lectured about how my posture was all wrong and I should be sitting more upright. I explained that I was so sore but they didn't seem too bothered. I think it's just the thought of not being able to have more children. That really scares me and is making me so low. I am speaking with my GP tomorrow so perhaps this will help, although i'm not sure what else she can do. Take care and i'm here is you need me too ♥️

[QT314]

Hi!

I just wanted to say that I'm very happy that you're back and that you're feeling a bit better.

I suppose it depends on the area but where I live the health visitors are still reachable by phone but it might not be the case everywhere.

Sending you too lots of love xxxxxx

[Positive2022 in reply to QT314]

Thank you so much for your kind response. Yes I have been in contact with the health visitors (and in tears on the phone to them) but I have lost all contact with them COVID-19. After some telephone correspondence I was told I would be contacted the following week. Well that week came and went a while ago and no sign of anyone to speak with. I'll see what GP says tomorrow and go from there. Take care and i'm here if you need me too ♥️

[Pasaeoco01]

Hi Poppy149

Having read your post I felt compelled to rejoin this site to reply - my youngest son is now 3 and I left here a year ago.

On reading your post so many things were similar to my own experience. Whilst I did not have fertility treatment it did take me well over a year to conceive both my children and I was late thirties/early flurries and felt clock was ticking.

With my second son I opted for vaginal birth after having a csection and felt really confident that all would be well. Unfortunately I also suffered a traumatic birth with 3rd degree tear, internal wall tear, blood loss, surgery followed by ongoing gynae issues including pelvic floor dysfunction and what I now know to have been PND and PTSD. I didn’t require follow up surgery but I was in pain on a daily basis which hugely affected by mental health whilst caring for 2 kids. I also had problems with BF and baby losing weight.

I guess the important thing was how I recovered. There wasn’t just one thing but I’ll mention them all.

I was referred to a psychologist to discuss the birth - have you been offered this? My GP arranged this. It was helpful just for someone to actually acknowledge that I did have a traumatic experience.

I was referred to a gynae physiotherapist - I understand that those with trauma births are automatically referred. I found my physio to be an amazing source of reassurance and information. Did you know that surgery/pain can cause the pelvic muscles to cramp and cause further pain?

Sadly I declined to pursue counselling as I felt I didn’t need it, in hindsight I did. I did however, use CBT methods to help me. I kept a diary and recorded my negative thoughts and frustrations and reinforced them by writing positive messages/statements. This really helped me.

I think what I really wanted was to be able to talk to someone about my experience and acknowledge/validate what I’d been through as well as a solution to my physical pain of course. Eventually over time talking to others, using mindfulness techniques and managing my own expectations did help but it has taken a long time.

I could go into more detail about my experience which I’m happy to share if you want to message me.

In light of the current situation and temporary lack of services I would recommend looking at the Tommy’s website. I didn’t use their services but just reading through the website and tips etc..was so helpful. Well worth a visit.

I really hope you get some help and support in the short term followed by your surgery in due course.

In the meantime I think you’ve shown amazing resilience and positivity in your attempts to reach out and continue seeking help - you should feel so proud of this which is always so hard. Feel better soon xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Pasaeoco01]

Thank you for your kind words of advice and taking the time to respond. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic time. I hope you are doing okay now. I have been keeping going for so long now like the energising bunny and it's all come to a head. I feel so low about how i've been left. Not knowing when things are going to return to normal is one of the hardest things. I don't want to be left in a position where I am in pain and require corrective surgery as this is significantly impacting my ability to move forwards. I was under the local talking therapy team, I asked about counselling but was told it isn't a service they provide. They suggested EMDR for PTSD and PND. Was just about to start when COVID appeared. Cancelled indefinitely. Seeing a psychologist was never mentioned but I do know that where I live there are very few psychologists and waiting times for them can be up to a year on average. My GP mentioned physiotherapy but was super efficient and got me seen by gynaecology and said it would be up to them as to what they feel would be best. Once I saw the gynaecologist, she said that surgery would be the best option to repair the site first, then start conservative treatment involving regular 'stretching' of the damaged area. So I guess this does incorporate physio but it's run by the nurses. I will have a look at the resources you mentioned, thank you for this. Sometimes I worry that perhaps i'm making a big deal out of something. I'm not dying but it feels as though the way I have been left has potentially been life changing. Intimacy is impossible as it's so painful. I don't want to be left like this. It's not a topic one chats openly about and so I have been feeling so alone, watching all my friends and colleagues go on to have their second or third, then facing that dreaded question of 'so are you going to be having another...' etc etc. My neighbour even shouted ... Yes shouted across the road the other day whilst social distancing 'I didn't know you are pregnant again'. Where she got that from I don't know but it was like rubbing salt into a wound. Thank you so much, take care and i'm here for you too ♥️

[Sevy571]

Hi Poppy149, I am so glad to see you are back. Reading you my heart shrinked, it really is not fair, this accumulation of mishaps. 12 months for an episiotomy healing and you are still considered not priority this is really beyond me.

Last time we talked I was looking for this link which I never shared I think:

birthtraumaassociation.org....

Perhaps you could contact them, surely they know a lot about your situation. Just watching the presentation video ca make you feel less alone and I see they have a facebook support group.

I am so sorry all this is happening to you and I sympathize at that feeling of having a choice being taken away from you. This is a hardship.

I can't help more and am not too sure what I can say to help except that I'm glad you are back with us. Take care.

[Positive2022 in reply to Sevy571]

Thank you so much for your kind response and for the link, I will definitely take a look. I've just been feeling so low about it all and feel so alone. I just can't move forwards until I have been physically 'fixed' so to speak. It's been helpful putting things down on paper. Sometimes I think to myself i'm making a fuss over nothing as I know that sadly there have been much worse situations but it's reassuring to hear that it's okay not to be okay. My GP is suppose to be calling me tomorrow and I just feel like I want to off laod everything about how I am really feeling at the moment. I don't expect her to be able to do anything but perhaps it will help me psychologically just having her listen. I hope you are okay and i'm here for you too. Take care ♥️

[Hidden]

Hi Poppy, I can relate alot to your post. Firstly, alot of what you said happened to more which, boils down to the fact that the my birthing experience was traumatic. Alot of healthcare professional just not having any empathy for you because they see alot of women. All I can say is that it will get better because it has for me slowly.

[Positive2022 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry that you had a traumatic time too but I am pleased to hear that things have slowly improved for you. It's really helpful hearing positive outcomes. Take care and i'm here for you too ♥️