Struggling with my traumatic birth

[Materialbarbie]

Hi guys,

So I’ve been struggling for awhile now and I just feel like I’m going crazy! My little boy is healthy and happy and almost 3 months old but I had such a traumatic birth with him and I think about it everyday. I had a thought pregnancy with him and after trying for 3 years and finally getting pregnant on clomid I just expected to be looked after a little more but I feel totally let down. I was told he was going to be a big baby at 28 weeks and continued to have many growth scans and tests to confirm this, I didn’t have gestational diabetes or anything so it was a bit random to find out he was so big when larger babies don’t run in the family or anything. I asked constantly about the risks of a larger baby in labour etc and nobody supported me through it, I have bad anxiety and obviously my baby boy was so precious after struggling to conceive him. My 38 week app came and I told my consultant my worries, she then said she’d induce me a week earlier and got me booked in. The time came and the induction was long, I wasn’t progressing and was in agony, they only allowed me to have codeine, even after they broke my waters on day 3 of labour they took the gas and air off of me until I ‘needed’ it even tho my little boys head was digging into my back. That day during labour as I was stood with my drip up the consultant on call came around and said really I should have been having a c section, they know they can get the weights wrong but with my history she said I should have been booked in all along for one but it was totally my choice. This angered me so much because why was I being told this after 3 painful days. I agreed to the section but they had an emergency which can’t be helped but I had to stay in labour until 10pm at night, I hadn’t progressed to even 5cm! They finally gave me pethidine about 7pm however this caused my baby boy to need resuscitating when he was born as he wasn’t breathing and I didn’t get to see him for almost 2 hours, not even a glimpse. I’m so happy they did everything for him they worked so quick to pull him round and I’m so thankful but I just feel totally let down. The day after the section it ended up being my consultant on call and she kind of had a go at me when I voiced how I felt saying I wanted a vaginal delivery and ANYONE can ask for a c section these days... how was i to know?!

So here I am 3 months postpartum and still thinking of it every day! I’m sorry this is so long I just want someone to tell me I’m not crazy! My family keep saying just be thankful he’s here that’s all you have to think of, and they are so right! I thank my lucky stars everyday for him but I still can’t stop thinking about the trauma I went through 😞.

X

[Seb9]

Hi sorry to hear that you've had such a tough time. Have you asked the hospital for a review of your treatment? A lot of hospitals offer this after a traumatic birth so you can be heard and sometimes learn about what decisions were taken and why.

Also have you spoken to your doctor? It may be that you have a bit of post natel depression. You've been through so much to get your baby and then to have such a traumatic time at the hospital. If your still struggling then maybe they could help refer you for some counselling and maybe prescribe something to help too.

There's so much pressure to 'enjoy every moment' once baby is here but it's really hard. Baby doesn't know how much you had to go through, so they are just doing what babies do. I found those first few months super tough, with lack of sleep, colic etc. without going through any of the stuff you've been through.

Have you joined any baby groups yet? I've found that talking to other mums about what you've been through and hearing their stories really helpful.

Hope you're feeling more positive soon xx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Seb9]

Thanks so much for your lovely comment! I got the number for the lady who books you in to talk about the birth at the hospital and stuff so I’m going to ring tomorrow now xmas and new year is our the way. I’m already on sertraline so I might go and talk about counselling and upping my dose for a little bit. Just tried to talk to my family and they said ‘oh no it’s not pnd’ but how do they know?! I just feel like I’ve been through a lot and I’m so happy my boy is here but been through so much to get here xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Materialbarbie]

Also going to join a sensory class this week to meet new mummies x

[Seb9 in reply to Materialbarbie]

Sensory is a lovely class to do, we've met some great new friends at our class. Little tip, look up say hello to the sun and find the video where the lady goes through the actions. It'll give you a head start to the song they do in the class 😊

[Materialbarbie in reply to Seb9]

Thanks so much! I’m so excited to get him to a class and meet some other mums too, not many of my friends have babies so it’s hard to talk to them about stuff! Xxx

[Seb9 in reply to Materialbarbie]

I was so lucky, I'm the last of my friends to have a baby so I've been stealing all their knowledge 😁 making friends in some of the baby groups have been ace though. Lots of coffee and cake dates, which have been such welcomed, it really helps to talk to others going through what you're going through xx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Seb9]

Ahh that is lucky! I knew in a few years my friends will be coming to me for advice haha. But yes I’ve been talking to a few mums over Instagram etc who live near me and that’s been nice but can’t wait to go out and meet some in person xx

[TerryNaples]

I’m so so sorry to hear that.

I had to fight with one of the consultants to book my elective c-section, as she tried for almost 1/2 hour to convince me that an induction would have been the best choice (IVF babies apparently have to be induced a week before due date as the placenta could stop working). I read that with induction there’s a high risk of delivering with the help of forceps/ventouse, and my brother died because of that and I didn’t want to be induce as I was frightened. To be listened I had to raise my voice, even if it was my right to choose the CS.

At my following appointment, I found out the CS wasn’t booked and we had to sign everything again with another consultant.

[Materialbarbie in reply to TerryNaples]

OMG I didn’t realise you had a struggle to get your section too! I don’t think it’s true when they say ‘anyone can just ask for one’ , it’s not that simple😫! I’d read all sorts of complications so that’s why I wish they’d have offered me one or at least told me my options. Feel so let down but hoping to feel positive soon 💪🏼Xxx

[TerryNaples in reply to Materialbarbie]

I was feeling the same.

But for the sake of our babies we have to go on and forget. They can feel our stress and low mood, and that’s not fair.

But... lesson learnt for next time!

Don’t let them to make you feel the same again! Xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to TerryNaples]

Very true! Thanks lovely❤️ . I know next time I’m laying it all down and having it how I want it! Xxx

[Jenjen84]

Have you tried birth afterthoughts? It’s a service the NHS run where they will go through all of your hospital experience and gives you a chance to talk it through with a professional.

So sorry to hear your experience but congrats on winning the fight to getting your precious boy ❤️ I totally understand the traumatised feeling. I had my little boy at 28 weeks after a very tough pregnancy and a long wait prior with losses and failed rounds of IVF. We spent 9 weeks on NICU only to be readmitted to a paediatric ward 2 weeks after his discharge which by far, was the worst experience of it all!! Everyone tells me to move on but it is hard.

I would definitely try and voice your experience to someone as it will just continue to eat it’s way through you. Plus talking about it may help find some closure xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Jenjen84]

Thanks for your lovely message! I’m ringing tomorrow to talk to the birth afterthoughts, hoping it helps to book and talk about everything with someone there. Then will see how I’m feeling and go from there. Sorry to hear you had your little boy so early and all the aftercare, must have been so difficult for you! Hope he’s doing much better now?

It’s so hard isn’t it when people say move on because we’d love to move on from it but it’s so difficult when you’ve been through something like that! Xxx

[stephkp]

Hi. Im so sorry that you had such a traumatic birth experience. I would say it sounds less like post natal depression and more like PTSD. It is certainly worth speaking to your doctor as something like cbt therapy could be very helpful. I have been referred as I was diagnosed with ptsd after an incident with a doctor, whilst I was in hospital having a failed 5 day induction. I ended up with an emergency c section as my LB heart rate dropped. My baby is an ivf baby and people told me the same thing, to be thankful and to not worry about it. That didn’t stop me from having flashbacks and waking up with cold sweats. You are not crazy, you just need the right support xx

[Materialbarbie in reply to stephkp]

That’s what I thought it sounded like I had but I didn’t want to look like I was over reacting as everyone just tells me to be thankful and think of positive things! I’m finding it hard to sleep too! Sorry to hear you had a hard time too lovely. Although in a selfish way I’m glad I’m not alone, I thought I was going crazy. I’ll book in and see my doctor. Thanks so much xx

[Hidden]

Hi lovely.

I’m really sorry to hear how traumatic your birth was & how your wishes weren’t met ☹️

I had a traumatic birth with my daughter- when I struggled with the pain & asked for stronger painkillers I was refused, they refused to refill my birth pool, they told me I wasn’t pushing properly it turned out my little girl had her hand around her head, my daughters heartbeat dropped which terrified me & hubby & I felt blamed as I asked them to break waters, I tore so badly a consultant had to check if the tear went to my backside 😳 it didn’t, they didn’t tell me when to use the gas & air for stitches & proceeded to use it as a show & tell for junior midwife & ran out of stitch & had to re do, left me in shock trembling & my mum put a blanket over me. My daughter had a bowel movement inside me which was wasn’t noted till 2 hours post birth we had to stay in 9 hours whilst they ran checks on her- my hubby had to find staff as they were not doing regular checks as meant to ☹️All in all it was horrific not as awful as yoursl. I had my son with no issues so was shocked at my 2nd birth.. I definitely don’t feel well looked after & if I’m pregnant again I will demand a c section. If she’d been my first I don’t think I would have another baby.

You have got me thinking maybe I should contact the hospital over my experience & hopefully prevent another women going through it. It wasn’t a nice way to end what was a difficult time to get pregnant & my pregnancy wasn’t exactly easy with the bleeding I had.

It’s not easy to get a planned c section- I know my area would refuse one they refused one for a lady expecting a bigger sized baby & her baby died after birth due to complications caused by the natural birth it went to court & everything.

I hope the hospital listen to you & learn from your terrible experience. xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Hidden]

Aw lovely I didn’t realise you had a bad birth too! I would deffo go and talk to someone about it at the hospital to help prevent it. My hospital are doing a big baby trial so I went under that as they aren’t sure what to do with bigger babies but there are so many risks I think it’s shocking they don’t know what to do. I’ve wrote the trials team a letter on my thoughts and sent it off with a questionnaire I had to do. Unfortunately the trial is ran by a different trust, my hospital were just taking part so I couldn’t go into my care being awful at the hospital really just the lack of knowledge for a bigger baby and what I went through and what I’d recommend going forward. It hasn’t put me off of wanting another baby in the future but the thought of any surgery has me terrified. I recently had an infection where my wisdom tooth is and the dentist said I might have to go and get it removed, and the thought of that sent me into a right panic 😫xxx

[Hidden in reply to Materialbarbie]

Thank you I don’t really talk about it I told friends & family it was fine because if I talked about how it really was I would’ve cried. It’s really been nice to offload it. I think I will get in touch with hospital. The more we stand up the more things can improve for others.

The point of growth scans is to determine weight & size & give the women options if she’s having a bigger baby. Some things in modern world have moved on but attitudes toward periods & birth is seen as “women’s issue” & “ part of being a women” we are made to feel like we should just get on with it. You bet if it was men it would be better. It saddens me women’s wishes are not respected in labour. It’s easy for others to say it’s over now but they haven’t had a struggle to conceive which is traumatic in itself ( yet alone a fretful pregnancy & awful birth experience ) I don’t think you are over reacting at all I hope you can get a good response from the hospital xxx

[Octoberbaby2019]

Hi there, your birth sounds awful and I thought mine was bad. I won't go into details here as I still get triggered and end up crying myself so I know how you feel. I somehow managed not to think about it anymore after week 3 (before then I'd think about it every day and cry oh and the anger I so understand) I thought I was over it but I'm not, one of my relatives thar I hadn't seen since I had the birth asked me how it was and I just ran away to the kitchen to cry and calm down.

What I can advise is call your health visitors or go to a sure start clinic and either ask them to sit and listen to you or to get refered to their counselling program called Vita Mind Health something like that.

Or if you can afford it see if you can see a counsellor.

There's also the whole thing where you can go back to the hospital and go over your birth records.

I have not yet spoken to a counsellor but am booked in, I hope that talking about it will help me find closure on it and I don't cry every time. I am also still debating whether to ask the hospital to go over the birth with me but tbh I don't feel mentally ready to go over that yet but if you feel that it might help you, you should do it.

And lastly you can file a complaint but again I don't have the will to do that either atm just really want to forget it all

I hope you can get past this, keep pestering the health visitors or just go to a surestart clinic and have a cry there (I've done that a few times it helps)

This is a really hard time and know that you're not alone. Will be thinking of you

Hugs x

[Materialbarbie in reply to Octoberbaby2019]

Thanks lovely, so sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth and are really struggling too but at least we aren’t alone. I’m okay about talking about it but I just get flash backs and think about it constantly! I’m ready now to go and go over my birth with the hospital just I needed to feel strong enough to go but I feel I can do it now! I’ve never heard of Vita Mind so I shall talk to my health visitor about it as she’s lovely. I do want to put a complaint in as I don’t want another woman to go through what I did, my hospitals maternity unit is really under threat because they aren’t reliable and they can’t even have twins born there anymore for safety reasons 🤦🏼‍♀️. I wish I’d have gone to the other hospital that are partners but I never got the option so if we have another I’m having it all my way after this 😭.

Sending you lots of love and thanks for leaving your comment, hope counselling goes okay for you xx

[Sevy571]

I am so sorry you went through all that. You are not crazy and you have been let down. I suggest you read books or look for support groups about "Positive Burthing" and you'll see how many women have been put in your situation, not respecting the mother's needs or pain or misinforming her. THis is not your fault. You matter. That nirth be apositive experience for the mum MATTERS - it should not be all about the baby. A healthy baby does not require sacrificing the mother's well-being in labour. It is totally understandable that you feel trauma about this and think about it daily. Please go see a therapist and find those support groups (any advocte of natural birth will be able to fully hear you and validate your feelings!) or read books on the topic. Look up Milli HIll and the Positive Birthing movement. I really hope you get the care and support you need. Very warm wishes to you.

[Materialbarbie in reply to Sevy571]

Thanks so much for your lovely message, it’s so nice to have people understand me and that I’m not crazy for feeling like this. I’ll look into those books as I think that would really help me. Luckily it hasn’t put me off wanting anymore children because I love being a mummy so much but the thought of surgery really scares me.

Thanks for commenting it means a lot! X

[GemX81]

I am so sorry you didn't have a positive birth experience. I had a difficult and challenging birth with my first baby. My blood pressure suddenly went high at 41 weeks and the hospital decided to induce. Cutting a long story short I ended up with an emergency csection after getting to the pushing stage. I felt that I wasn't given enough support or information. It also took us several years to get our son as a while to conceive but I also had 2 miscarriages before conceiving my first baby. So after going through that and the difficult birth if definitely affected me. When I was pregnant with my second baby I opted for an elective. I was prepared for a fight as my midwife tried to persuade me to go for a vbac but the consultant agreed with me and I got my elective. The birth experience was so much better the second time round. But I didn't realise the full extent that my first birth experience had affected me until I was there again so I would say if you are suffering I would speak to your doctor. I had some great midwife care the second time round and that really helped me to address the anxiety I had from the first time round.

[Materialbarbie in reply to GemX81]

Sorry to hear you had such a rough time too. I’m waiting to hear back from the listening service and then once I’ve been there I’m going to my doctors! Just feel so scared by it all and my anxiety over the past few days has been crazy, I think making Steps to get a bit of support has just sent me all over but it’s what I need instead of storing it all up. I also had a miscarriage before my little boy so I was just scared the whole way with him, I don’t think the hospital staff ever took that into account!

Thanks so much for your lovely comment 💖xx

[Hidden]

I emailed PALS over my birth & they have assigned it to maternity department to investigate within 25 working days! If it saves another lady having a bad experience it’ll be worth it 🙂 thank you for making me feel not so alone with it. Let me know you get on xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Hidden]

Glad you’ve got intouch lovely, it’s the best thing to do and hopefully with all this if we can even just change a few women’s labours so it’s more positive that’s the main thing! Let me know how you get on too! And I read your comment above just now and that’s the thing, having the extra scans etc it’s so the mother can decide as it’s her body and her baby! But every midwife etc I spoke to said it was up to my consultant and what she wanted. Afterwards I got told it was all up to me so I don’t see how that wasn’t cleared up in the first place. Hopefully we can both get support and tell the hospitals enough is enough xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Materialbarbie]

Thank you it’s all done to you. Only just seen your reply sorry. I’m seeing the manager of maternity department on Tuesday & hopefully it’ll make a difference.

It’s a very frustrating system & women should have the right to make an informed decision.

How’s it going your end? xxx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Hidden]

Omg you’ll have to message me when you’ve been to see what they say! I had to ring the labour and delivery lady again! Apparently someone is off so that’s why I never got my phonecall I was promised at the end of last week🧐! I should have an appointment through and be contacted this week about it. However I did get a phonecall today from the lead professor of the Big Baby Trial in a completely different trust and she was lovely! I sent in a letter expressing my concerns to her and my experience, along with the questionnaire they wanted me to fill out! Didn’t think anyone would actually read my letter but OMG they did and passed it to her and she said she’s doing what it takes so that ladies with bigger babies have an easier time because 80 hospitals up and down the country are doing this trial and she said that it’s not just my trust whose let me down with my experience! It’s still early days but she honestly was so concerned about my anxiety and said she thinks going to talk about my delivery will help, she was going to contact my trust and sort it for me if I hadn’t rang already bless her. So glad my letter reached someone higher!xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Materialbarbie]

Aww so glad the baby trial lady was so kind & supportive. More needs to be done. That’s terrible they didn’t do your sons obs- def take it further. My daughter had a bowel movement inside me ( because she was so distressed) & that wasn’t recorded for 2 hours post birth. It’s not okay. How annoying to wait for a phone call someone should’ve told you that person wasn’t in. xxx

[Hidden]

I would definitely contact hospital or someone. I know they can review the birth etc. Kinda wish I had but bit too late now.

I was induced and went in when contractions got worse. Got there and they just put me in a bed and didn’t check me until my waters broke around 6 hours later when they couldn’t find a heart beat. Rushed up to labour ward and they did find one. Then normal contractions etc on gas and air but asked for the injection a few hours later and they kept saying after the next contraction. Finally got it hours later. Then had a horrible consultant doing vaginal exams and I said it hurt as she as doing them during contractions and she just shouted at me and said she needs to do it! After a while baby wasn’t budging and I was fully dilated and was knackered and they suggested c section but then kept telling me I couldn’t have it. Hours later again and still trying to put it off saying it’s difficult to numb and would have to wait hours to be numbed 🤷🏻‍♀️. Confused about that as I eventually had the c section and was numb really quickly. They tried forceps twice first whilst numb then did the section. Baby was 10lb 1 in the end and then they thought she had sepsis so was kept in to be monitored.

If we have another I definitely plan to mention all this as was not happy and still not happy about the experience especially after going through IVF to get her. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t know you could request a review so think we are past that stage now but hopefully it might help in your situation xx

[Materialbarbie in reply to Hidden]

Sorry I’ve just seen your reply! OMG bless you what a horrible experience! How old is your little one now? Hope she’s thriving! I don’t think it’s ever to late to ring lovely, it’s worth at least speaking to someone about it as they keep all your notes on record for anymore pregnancies etc so they’ll still be there. I’m hoping it helps, should get a phonecall with an appointment this week🤞🏼, just want them to know they can’t keep doing this to vulnerable women, pregnancy and labour makes you so vulnerable and they need to come up with a better system handling them I think! I had awful aftercare in the hospital too, my boy should have had monitoring for 24 hours after not breathing at birth but nobody did it until 12pm the next day when the doctor came round and asked me why it hadn’t been done🤷🏼‍♀️! If I was you I’d just try and maybe ring your antenatal clinic and ask or community midwives will have a number you can ring just to talk about it! Xxxx

[Major2116]

So sorry to hear you had such a terrible time!

I was quite I'll for a while after giving birth. I had a post partum hemorrhage, lost over half my blood volume and became septic. My uterus didnt contract so blood was gushing. The injections didnt work so *BIT GRUESOME* the doctor physically had to put his hand in and contact it for me. They said if he hadn't of done that I probably would of bled to death. I was in High dependency unit for a few days to get me stable, 4 bags of blood and numerous antibiotics. I was unable to breast feed and do a lot for our son. My husband was our rock. I was bed bound for 3 days until I begged to sit in the chair.

Like you, I thought about it constantly and how scary it was. I was in and out of consciousness. I remember asking if our son was okay and they said yes hes fine, so I said well if I die now, at least hes safe. I work in the hospital and asked what my obs were so I knew I was very poorly but after that, I dont remember much. They too took our son away for 2 hours to test him for infections etc. They cannulated him and gave him antibiotics just in case he had any infection.

I couldn't even imagine if our boy had stopped breathing. I can only imagine how scary that must of been for you! Is it affecting you mentally? Xx

[Hidden]

My little girl is two next month and all is well. I probably won’t do anything as I feel a bit silly after two years but would definitely raise it if we have another child. I will definitely be requesting a c section. I don’t understand how they can sometimes be so un caring in jobs like that. Let us all know how your appt goes though. Would be interesting to see what they say xx