A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’.
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I hate spelling mistakes! You mix up just two letters and your whole message can be urined...
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken..
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.Here's a number of puns to lighten your afternoon/morning/evening for you:
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egotists meet, it's an i for an i
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away
Time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local area network in Australia - the LAN down under
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
xx have a nice weekend Bazzak xx
thanks!
Some Simple Funnies, some I've Told Before