BANK HOLIDAY HOWLERS

[MrRigatoni]

I used to do Antique Collectors fairs Bank Holiday as it in the UK.

Thought share some of my favourites comedy moments it lift those on a dreary day or give those some thing to smile about.

Used to visit South West Yorkshire lots of lovely people.

A customer approached my stall have you got any Turps. ?

Turps no do not sell anything like that no he shouted

Music Turps. (tapes)

I was doing the fair local to me where I used to live .

Sister Theresa arrived a nun whose interest using religious artifacts poems books postcards to educate children.

Stall customers three deep lots of them as she shouted my name.

Have you got my Pornographic material as the crowds of customer parted like the Red Seas.

Stood there meekly smiling as all my customers staring at her.

I asked my Father one time to help me big fair lots of customers both parents hated me doing the business.

So he conspired every which way to do damage.

Sometimes harmful.

I know annoying at the time but now one of the favourite stories.

Arrived at the car park been a good day tired he was driving, suddenly heard this bang and this clatter what is that.

Turned around to see my cash box and the contents spill every where out of a brief case.

He had my Father left on the car roof. Brief case containing cash box cheques money more change notes.

Next few hours chasing money cheques and cash up and down the duel carriage way and avoiding all cars.

Cars stopped seeing all this money like confetti grapping it and driving my Father bemused as me running after drivers down a carriage way hands waving.

Any of you in Leeds area early Nineties must have seen this mad man running about .

Lost thousands of pounds that day.

As for my family always have the last laugh me. Was the feed bucket for the family mainly him and my Mother so no money for them.

Cornflakes and crackers.

Used to do a lot of places in the Yorkshire Dales very rural communities.

Selling very hard as struggling and not many had money this story proves that.

Old gent arrived what is this Postcards collectibles and so on I explained. Oh the Wife wants me to have a hobby have a look so he picked all these items out my box big pile.

Postcards local area sat there next to me and went throught them, suddenly he was shaking and shuddering OMG.

He is having a heart attack or stroke I shouted other dealers come rushing first aider arrived.

Are you OK ambulance crew and he is sweating so much he cause that his bony finger at me.

What I have done these item postcards prices too much.

Price of each item postcard wait for it 25p.

He recovered Ambulance crew vanished so did every on else.

25p is a very small amount considered Postcards had some in pounds hundreds and more items worth more than he could afford.

Another place similar the husband arrived meek mild shaking as he puffed his cheeks out prices expensive son, he breathed.

She arrived Cell Block H The Wife sign around her neck imaginary test your brakes big boobed lady .

Lots of red lipstick must have kissing frogs must have been any way had this booming voice if I recall disgusting rude old man .

He had picked up some cards with art portraits of naked ladies on as she stood her ground insulting.

Told you seperate beds from now on and now seperate rooms not having it .

As the cards thrown at me like frisbees.

As for you young man going to report you selling well these sex objects and she scurried away as he followed behind three steps.

Blackpool have done the Winter Gardens turned up this bed and breakfast lots of rules pinned every where.

All over reception as we arrived She Who Must Be Obeyed arrived a broomstick in her hand in my mind.

Yes we like to stay as my colleague friend with me added how much. Then the spiel of prices something like this.

Basic Room one price add ons heating TV coffee breakfast in bed all an extra condiments as well knifes forks spoons .

Anything towels robes soap on a chain, as we stood their Herr Commandant barking more rules.

My friend making the fatal mistake taking out money on the counter whisked away slight of hand like a vampire.

Oh we staying then he murmered.

At the entrance of the dining room were rows of boots and shoes take them off she roared voice like sandpaper against metal rasping.

Had a new carpet fitted hate dirt muck and filth .

We obliged and I noticed plate sized marks on the wall.

Uttered the fatal line do you what those plate sized marks are no he whispered my colleague this Bed and Breakfast that is where evening meal is thrown in haaa.

Reason for the plate marks well the whole dining room erupted with laughter.

Final story some builders staying there bringing in Bananas in bags asked why, because she.

Has priced everything we even paying for this a plate for our Bananas he wanted salt pepper charged us for that and knives forks and soap we poor so have just enough money for the board.

Cruet tomato sauce and anything condiments on chains even serving spoons.

I noticed the lamp shades furry asked what is that only to met with showering dust, when she arrived in her chariot in the dining room.

Qipped hey you missed a bit the lamp shades her glowering found when we paid bill was well over priced charged us for every thing the air we breathed probably.

I know one thing I was asked will you recommend me to all your dealers friends colleagues well of course we as we have put in the visitors book.

Must come here to all our friends if you enjoy being

insulted .