I’m sorry that your mom is mad at you for trying to get help for her while we’re all in lock down. I know she is under stress— like the rest of us. Tell her you were worried about her and wanted to make sure she had someone who was nearby to help her.😀👍 You did the right thing.😀
My Nephew is mad at my dad since he and his sister aren’t allowed to be here at the house since yesterday morning. They had been here before last weekend. They don’t understand completely why this week is different. Their parents have told them what the reason is, but they are not happy. I talk to them when my brother is able to get them on his phone and we do video chat.😀👍
That must be hard to deal with. My mother lives with us: she moved in ten years ago when she started falling over and could no longer manage on her own. We do struggle sometimes as Mum can be illogical at times and is excessively anxious. As I am Mum's primary carer (on paper, anyway), I am the one who bears the brunt of her frantic stressing. We find that shielding her from a lot of truths that she would find difficult to address is often the easiest way to deal with her anxiety and is also in her best interests.
Naturally, being apart from you must impact your mother at some level. She might well feel that she must prove to you that she can cope on her own. Perhaps she feels undermined by your well-meaning attempts to assist her and make her life easier?
Is there someone in Mauritius (a friend or relative) whom your mother trusts and in whom you could confide? Could they provide hands-on help?
Like you, I'm an only child, so I do understand the pressure you feel. It can be quite difficult to juggle your own problems and handle your mother's issues, too.
There are no quick fixes or easy answers. It really is all about open communication and dialogue. That must be so difficult given that your mother's so far away.
Perhaps give it another day and try speaking with her again? Something might well have happened that made your mother lash out the way she did; she might be in a different frame of mind tomorrow...
She has always helped so many and now realised she has been used
She has always been supportive and understanding but now reality has dawned as her friends never mind her family have chosen to ignore her
When she had her male friend she was very happy and made sure I was not her priority
Only when he became abusive to her and I stood up to him did she see me again
I have learnt nothing can ever come the way of her opinion and when her male friend behaved inappropriately with me she took out her rage on me and not him
The other side of her no one sees
She is me accomplished self made entrepreneur and she will only seek my opinion if absolutely necessary
Sorry your Mum is acting up. In therapy I learnt not to take things personal. She is probably frightened, when people are frightened they tend to lash out. You can only do what you can do, leave it at that. My Mother became somewhat of a complainer when she got older, I think she was frustrated with what had happened to her older body, severe macular degeneration, deafness, bad tinnitus, arthritis, she had a hard time adjusting to these insults to her body. So know we are here for you, we will give you love and support, you are not alone.
Write to us for help....sending love, understanding, peace and big hugs...Sprinkle 1....
Hi Roukaya I think that if your Mum's been giving all her life and not really got anything back she must be in a place now where she's questioning everything she's done! She's probably come to a time in her life where she feels that it's too late to grasp anything good back from the people she's helped and so she's pushed everyone away or people have just drifted away as they do sometimes. I can only advise that you be patient and see how things are tomorrow you're her daughter and maybe the only person that she can show her true feelings to. but she loves you that's one thing you can be sure of. Please take care of yourself I sense a vulnerability about you and think that you need to nurture yourself a little were all here for you to talk to xx
I have read your post along with the replies you have had. All I would add is to say please don't apologise for talking about your problems. They are no less important because of the coronavirus and that is no doubt adding to your stress and worry.
You do all you can for your mum but take care of yourself too. Wishing you well xx
I'm glad your boiler was fixed, that's a worry off your mind. Your mum, Does she belong to any community groups or social type groups that might be able to cast a watchful eye over her during this time. Mum's have the ability to make you feel like a naughty child no matter how old you are. Mum's can sometimes have a sharp tongue. I think, even though they can be wrong and cutting with their words, we need to make some adjustments for their age and frailty and at a time like this their fear also. Try not to be too upset and bare these things in mind and continue to try to find ways to help her and even if she is bad tempered with you remember her feelings run deep for you as you are her child. xxx
Sorry to hear that but she's probably worried and taking it out on you. The ones we love most often ones hardest on. It is hard when try to do best but not appreciated.
Try not to get too upset say your just trying to do best you can for her and keep trying.
Glad your boiler sorted at least
Sending big hugs x
Hi Roukaya, This is going to sound very strange, but your mum feels that she can shout at you, because she loves you and feels comfortable with you, and able to do it. That doesn't make it right, but I want you to know that she still loves you very much.
Children and parents often have disagreements because parents still very much try to be in charge and feel they have all of life's experience and are therefore entitled to still treat you as a child. You will always be her child but you are also an independent adult.
Try not to feel too wounded by this. Let the dust settle, and then I'd suggest getting back in touch and just say you are sorry you upset her! That might not be the exact truth, but it will heal the argument much more quickly than if you both hold grudges because you are wounded.
And I know that you need each other right now. Your mum needs time to absorb the new shopping rules at home. She will, eventually. She's upset by them at the moment, but rest assured, when she needs food to eat, she will conform as everyone else will learn to do.
Allow her to work out her own solution as there is nothing much that's practical you can do from here. And try not to worry unduly. Very best wishes Roukaya, and continue to take good care of yourself. ☀️
Thank you for answering my post and showing such understanding
I have always done my best for both of my parents and in their view I will only listen if I have to
It is not easy feeling like a punch bag snd this is not the first time nor the last
I expect after caring for Dad whilst Mum life’s remained unscathed in Mauritius makes me realise that I have always put the interests of my parents before my own much to my own neglect
I thank you for your kind words and I am sure Desmond Tutu would be proud of the compassion you continue to show
Hi - try and do something for yourself everyday... a little YouTube exercise or a read of a magazine. You need to protect your own mental health and it will help you with your difficult mother. I find I can motivate my mam much better when I am feeling more positive myself . She too is on her own and in a tiny upstairs flat. It is very difficult but I am trying to take one day at a time. Take care x
I'm guessing your mother is an older person?? Some of the older people here just don't understand either. Or, of course she could be frightened herself. I know it's hard for you but just try to be patient with her.
Dear Roukaya, as I can’t speak a very good English I understand that my reply can obviously be limited, even i I have read your post very carefully and also the other replies, all very interesting and shareable...
I want just to add that it’s very clear, in my opinion, that you and your mother are playing a kind of role game (that is, practically you and your mother are imprisoned in stereotyped behavior) so you must be aware of it. If you like you could read a very interesting book of Eric Berne, that in Italian is: A CHE GIOCO GIOCHIAMO? that coulf be translated in: WHAT GAME DO WE PLAY?...you could find something about it on the internet.
One more thing that I want to add is that you MUST SAVE YOURSELF and try to listen to your needs, because you can’t help anyone if you don’t take enough care of yourself...I also think that your mother could be positively surprised (maybe after a while...) if you have a different reaction, expressing your discomfort and your disappointment.
I try to explane a bit better: sometimes in a relationship two people (husband / wife, father / son, ...) continue unconsciously to play a role without being able to modify anything even they try to do it or even if they feel unhappy.
This situation (I described it as a prison) leads to a repetition of behaviors that always have the same outcome: in my view you and your mother have two fixed roles: she complains, you try to understand her, she gets angry, you try to understand her, she provokes you, you feel guilty...and so on.
If it were YOU who got angry she would be surprised, because in general it is she who gets angry...
If YOU told her that maybe sometimes she let you down, maybe she would have a different reaction than usual...I don’t know if my idea (probably wrong!) is now more clear for you...maybe someone who is reading could express better it.
Thank you for your kind interest...I am coping quite well with self isolation: I read, i watch TV, I listen to interesting podcasts, I do some exercises with YouTube and I also take care of my 8 month grandchild, that is a big fun!
My “Graduation” refers to this program: couch to 5K😏...about my own education I took a degree in biology a long long time ago (I am 67). I have been a teacher for 25 years and then a headmistress/principal for 15 years.
Be strong. Try to ignore your mother’s rudeness and bad temper. When she is like that just tell her you are not prepared to be spoken to like that and walk away. Tell her that when she can be civil and pleasant to you you will help her.
VALUE YOURSELF 😊. You are being bullied and the only way to handle that is to ignore her when she is rude and distance yourself - just walk out.
i think thats a tad ungrateful of your mum to react like that when all you were doing was trying to help- Im pretty much sure that if my mum reacted like that if I was trying to help her out she d be getting some serious stick & called ungrateful
I echo activity 2004 when she says you did the right thing
It would seem that I acted in her best interests and as there is panic buying today Mum has appreciated what I tried to do
I have learnt that previusly when Mum expetiences problems or out of my loneliness, I would go over
In a way postpone the responsibility of my own life
This has caused me to fail my exams and given the specialist area of law I am seeking to qualify in, this led to me being unable to find a suitable work placement
I am aware that I am fifty on my own, it is essential for me to carve out a life and not get distracted by the anxiety which can lead to the bad temper of mum
I REAalise life is very important, just look at the news
Thanks for your reply Roukaya- you never know what to do for the best - maybe its time to do the not helping your mum tactic. -if she mentions anything about you not helping her -you can tell her that the last time you tried -she had a go at you & see what her response is
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