I often write on this post as many have given me support .
It will be my birthday next week and I am almost tearful I am turning 51.
I wonder where my life has gone.
I remember in my twenties going to make a new life in London , I studied hard obtained several degrees but failed to have a career .
I returned back to the place I grew up in the East Midlands and became carer to my Father and steered his business from loss to stability until the business was sold .
Now as I turn 51 , I look back at the precious commodity called human life and on one hand wishing I was turning 41 and not 51.
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Roukaya
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You can't change the past, just make sure you aren't in the same position at 61!
You have recently set goals - studying, passing your exams, getting fitter, getting work experience then setting up your own firm, and moving to a house with a garden.
I am studying that much is true and bit by bit I must not give up hope .
My Mother constantly complains and I have learnt by being away she also can be emotionally draining
All her properties are empty so I have to contact various agents overseas to contact her
But I will not allow her to overwhelm me .
I hope you are managing and thank you for your timely reminder .
It's hard I know but leave the past where it is and concentrate on moving forward and making the best of your life.
Quite a bit of my past isn't good but I've learnt to move forward and enjoy life, I'm 61 now and believe you me 51 isn't old. I wasn't keen on turning 50 as I'd lost my mum 3 months before my birthday very suddenly and 6 months prior to my mum dying my eldest daughter tried to commit suicide. I gave myself a talking to and said 'life is what I make it I can either wallow or get on with things', I chose the latter.
Write down a list of what you want to do and be determined to cross as much off as you can depending on finance of course.
You can do it, believe in yourself.
Take care xx
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With me a few months ago I had walked past the offices where that toxic job was and had told myself how I regret not leaving there earlier than I did and then had told myself how I had done my very best with the knowledge and experience that I had at the time I had made those decisions in cutting my hours and then changing them to try to put off the inevitable as I had hoped doing those things would help turn things round but sadly it didn't as it only treated the symptoms not the cause and was like putting a plaster on a deep wound and it was a hard decision and I had ummed and ahhed over it for many months as it was a big decision and you can't make big decisions like that on a whim but that incident last October when I was shouted at in front of everyone had been the last straw that had sealed the deal!
Point is with decisions you can only do your best with what you knew at the time that you made that decision.
In my case I had no choice but to fulfill my duty but to my own detriment
I expect this is what makes me assess the past to learn and apply lessons for the future
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You did very well leaving the job, it was the right decision. I left a job I enjoyed because of the way I was treated. Not easy decisions but definitely the right ones.
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It was a really tough decision to have made leaving that job but I do feel it was the right one and for a few months I grieved over what I had lost but now I have accepted it and I feel it has opened up new opportunities for me that wouldn't have existed otherwise.
I have great faith that I will go to a place that's right for me and at the right time for me.
Looking back I feel it was a blessing in disguise not getting those jobs I had gone for before the pandemic officially hit back in March as I feel it would have hurt a lot more getting offered a job and then told sorry the offers withdrawn due to the pandemic or starting at a place only to get laid off a few weeks later would have really hurt a lot worse than what did happen and me having to wait!
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I do feel that everything happens for a reason whether it's good or bad. It was the right decision for you and you were sensible in taking that decision.
I agree re not getting others jobs that you went for as my daughter did the same and didn't get them and she's really glad now because of the pandemic hitting.
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I'm starting to think like that that its true everything happens for a reason myself.
My parents have no idea that I took that course of action and I have been fobbing them off so they still think that I am at the toxic job!
I do feel it was the right decision to leave off my own accord rather than wait to be pushed out like what had happened to other colleagues there as by leaving off my own accord I had control over my departure from there.
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They really do, I've moved on since leaving my job.
Oh my goodness. Hope you don't mind me saying but that may affect how you feel, I couldn't keep that kind of information away from family.
You did the right thing leaving.
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Why I have done that is because they had ordered me to stay at that job and wouldn't listen to my point of view last year when an argument had erupted and turned nasty when I had sworn in frustration after being ordered to stay at that job and if I had said I had left there would have been an argument which is why I have been fobbing them off just to explain why I decided on that course of action.
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Oh my goodness, you are your own person and it's entirely up to you what you do. Sorry you've had such difficulty
I'm good thank you apart from a skin condition that's driving me nuts but that's nothing in comparison to what others suffer.
You are welcome and believe you me I've done exactly the same as you but no longer I've wasted enough time. I could look back and see how badly I was treated by my brother and bullied by a boss but no longer. I've decided it's no good me feeling bitter anymore. I know I don't do it enough but have to say that meditation helps a lot.
Oh life does work things out but in the meantime keep posting on here as there's a lot if support. You'll get there, believe you me.
Point is you made those decisions with the experience and knowledge that you had at the time and did the best you could at the time which is all you can do really.
I have faith that I will go to a place that's right for me and at the right time for me.
They had shouted at a colleague as well in front of everyone just because she was having a chat with one of her friends at her table and I couldn't believe they were shouting at her like that as they are inoffensive!
One colleague had said to me how I didn't go round bothering anyone in that office and couldn't understand why they were picking on me and one of my friends said how the bullies go after those that they perceive are a threat to their status like those who are good at their jobs as I was there and how its jealousy that motivates them at the end of it all!
They had sacked a girl who they had really had it out for after she had gone sick for a year due to bullying!
There's ways and means with dealing with problems but shouting at someone in front of an audience isnt really on and a colleague had intervened and I had thanked her afterwards.
In my previous job most colleagues there were nice it was management that I fell out with!
Good for you for buying your tickets for London!
My parents don't know that I resigned last year and when they ask about work I fob them off with stories but when they had said in may last year about staying there I did try to explain and was given unhelpful advice about to ignore management which was of no help at all.
My brain injury happened four years ago in my mid-fifties. I was left unable to work, unable to learn or to retrain for another career, unable to pay my mortgage, with many physical and cognitive disabilities and (initially,) with absolutely no support from anyone, including doctors. I was also left with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I didn't used to have the confidence I have now. I used to have terrible anxiety problems and periods of depression. What had changed for me is that over the years I educated myself about these things. By the time my brain injury occurred I had a lot of skills and understanding of these issues, partly gained from my own research, partly from different therapies and partly from the work I did in health and education.
If you can find out about your problems and learn that these difficulties affect many other people and that you can learn strategies and ways to manage these things, you will be able to change your outlook, and your life. Crucially, you won't feel powerless any more and you will see how changing your thoughts and feelings can take you towards a better future.
The key thing is to take some form of action to understand the psychological reasons for how you feel and then how to deal with it all more effectively. Becoming more self aware is very powerful.
I know that feeling of age so very well Roukaya, just to let you know I would change ages with you right now, l am in my eighty second year. No offers?
Age is only a number, it means nothing. It is printed on your birth certificate with your name, your name you can change, unfortunately you cannot do the same with your age!
Seriously Roukaya, you have many more wonderful years ahead of you, please do not despair.
Is it not possible to start learning or training again? Perhaps for something completely different? I can understand your feelings, caring is not an easy life, on call 24/7 with very little time for yourself.
I wish you happiness in your new future life, think now of yourself, what would YOU like to do now? I appreciate with the Covid-19 lockdown still on everyone’s lips, l feel that it will be here for a very long time, sadly it is not a good time to venture out into a new business venture.
Have a wonderful birthday, best wishes, stay safe.
Yes it does sound as though you are between a rock and a hard place with very little movement available so that you can move on with your own life.
Have you spoken to your mother about this problem that you have with her? A very difficult situation.
Yes thank you, l am managing ok being left with a very damaged body in the best way l can. After sixteen operations, including six joint replacements, there seems very little of the original me left. I am alive!!
Have a lovely evening, best wishes, take care of yourself!
Keep up the studying, look after yourself and don't let her drag you down. She is in a different country and there really isn't much you can do other than listen to her, if she can't express herself in a reasonable and respectful manner I don't see why you should feel under obligation.
Put yourself first for a change and look forward to your trip.
I think you have great understanding abs thank you for being kind enough to listen
I am her only daughter but not her personal slave
Also with the fourth resit , I am unable to deal with her unfairness , her stubborn attitude and the time she takes from me
She will never change but I have to
She knew how to insult me when she had her male friend so I think this is why I resent having to give her reassurance and this is why I will draw up boundaries
Can you not just stand back from your mother politely and not telephone her?
Seriously you do not have to put up with this abuse. Try phoning only once a week or every two weeks to give yourself space to work through your issues. When you do contact your mother, if you have to and she starts shouting at you, just politely say sorry you have to go, say goodbye and hang up. Do not retaliate as it will only upset you!
There is a saying ‘blood is thicker than water‘, not always, a close relative is not necessarily you best friend, so do not expect it. I used to say to myself when there was a problem in a business or personal relationship ‘different tribe’ and got on with my life.
Thank you Roukaya for your latest message, l did detect a that you might be feeling a little bit more positive, l hope so. Please keep on this positive road.
I am pleased that your uncle understands your issues with your mother. That does help.
I am still in lockdown so unable to do very much out of the house, I have been sorting through a lot of old boxes, so l am using my time constructively. The problem is what to do with all the ‘stuff’ l do not want anymore.
Have a wonderful afternoon, keep studying it is so very good for you.
I think the loneliness and isolation is beginning to take its toll on my mental health.
As a result of this I am beginning to understand that I am only able to cope so much if my Mother behaves as a little child given her tooth abscess and foot injury
You come across as a kind hearted individual and if you are sifting through your belongings I wonder if you would be willing the donate the surplus items to charity such as the British Heart Foundation or to other charities who would welcome your contribution
I realise that mental illness is prevalent in the side of my Fathers family so if my Mother says something cruel or unkind this will make me sad
You are very right that studying I expect keeps the cognitive ability in check and also ad I am preparing for a resit on a fourth attempt , I think it is best I try to give myself the best chance of passing .
Life is a series of hurdles , challenges and also resolution not to accept the status quo.
I know how you are feeling, I got MS when I had my daughter, I lost all my independence, I am a bit older than you, and what you have to do is to try and put this somewhere in your mind so it isn't constantly there, it can take over your life and make you miserable ,as you find yourself thinking about it all the time.
It takes a lot of courage ,but you can do it, if you don't do this you will always feel this miserable, try to think of your future and plan what you want to do, it doesn't have to be unreachable, think of something,that will be realistically reachable.I had a good job, like you I did training and got my job, it comes as a blow when something you are not expecting comes along and takes it from you ,take care , I'm here if you need to talk 🙂🙂
Look at it this way, you can say "I am barley in my fifties". I have said for years that I would not want to be 21 years old again with out having a better excuses for the things I did. Blessings.
Hello I have just seen your Reading Rabbits message . I must say your words had a real impact on me... I am an ordinary guy who has been in these type of situations before and with some level of success, ! I hope everything works out for you and your family ....
You can't change the past. Look forward to the future. I'm sure you have some accomplishments you have done and can recall. My 58th 🎂 is September 8. Pretty much, just another day. I have been diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease. I am refusing further medical treatment. Watched my best friend, my Mom go through 4+ year's of dialysis, two kidney transplants. She passed away with me holding her hand. I don't have the courage she had. I'm hopeful it won't progress. I'm feeling blue also. I'm proud of my accomplishments. Have a letter from her when I was stationed in GTMO (Military) she wrote me. She and my Dad were too. Suggest you get a piece of paper. Write your accomplishments down, what you are thankful or blessed for/from? Maybe if you see it, you will feel better? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Complete strangers on this forum also care. I have a "bucket list. Maybe u could write down a few?
It is terribly sad for me to hear that you are refusing medical treatment.
I am trying to pass the Diploma on my fourth attempt by my elderly Mother overseas always has a problem and today she has am acute tooth abscess
I have to ring her to see how she is but unlike you I am deeply hurt with my Mother as she put a male friend ahead of me and only when he became too controlling did it end
My elderly parents have always put themselves first and when things go wrong I am expected to sort out their lives
I am tired of having to deal with an elderly mother who behaves as a child
Hi Roukaya, I look back on memories occasionally but they have no influence on what I am doing that day or what I think about the future. I live in the present. We can not do nothing or change, what has come before this day but what we can do is change the way the day goes ahead. I am a great believer in that. You can change the outcome of your day. Do not fear age, It is a natural process. Make the changes you need now, so in five years time you won't be looking back, feeling the same way, thinking you have not used time to the best advantage. 😊🌸🌷
I think that the fact you have been arguing with your mum has inflamed your anxiety levels and made you feel a bit deflated at a time you should be looking forward to celebrating your birthday. Have you done your mock exam yet. You have a lot going on at the moment and you are seeing it all as a big problem. You need to compartmentalize areas of your life in order of what is the most important and pressing and deal with each section in small bits, then, it is much easier to deal with situations instead of trying to face everything, head on. This way, you put yourself under less pressure and give yourself time to deal with a situation in hand. 😊🌸🌷
I expect I am unable to give my Mother the attention she needs given her tooth abscess.
When I said none of your relatives in U.K. have bothered about my Birthday she started to shout .
I said shouting only for me and no one else .
I did the Mock Exam last Tuesday and I am trying to complete as much as I can before I go
I am also angry how she shouted at me in July 18 when I said you allow your male friend to insult you but you would never allow this from me .
She said what did your Father do for you and I said I made sure you were protected
I expect this is the fourth resit attempt , I have done the two Mock Exams and waiting for the results
My Mother is some one who expects me to be at het beck and call but when others do wrong she turns a blind eye
It is the unfairness that I cannot stand from her anymore .
I am turning 51 and my trip is costing a lot of money but she can be spiteful and try to spoil it for me as she has done before when she had her male friend
Even mum's can have this bullying attitude with their daughters. You have to try to remain firm with your mum when she is trying to spoil things for you. It's because you are her daughter she probably feels she has some right to be how she likes with you but this is not so. If she makes you unhappy, you must end the call. I should imagine she will not stop her behavior, so you must put a stop to this interjection that causes you stress and upset and if this means putting the phone down, mid conversation, you should do it every time. You could say, I am leaving this conversation now, I will phone you another time. I am hoping your results are pleasing from your mocks. 👍🌸🌷
I think you are very wise not to tell of your forth resit. Try not to discuss it with your mum until it is over and done with. Give yourself the best possible chance to succeed, you owe it to yourself. 👍🌸🌷
Regretting what has been and gone is a fruitless exercise, you can't go back and change it. I would have changed things in my life if I could.
We need to accept ourselves as we are now, what we can change is ourselves for the future such as fitness, weight loss, working on our own confidence and learning when to tell the inner voice that it doesn't rule you, and It should stop trying.
You have made some great strides over the last few months, keep going, you are on the right track.
Now you must move forwards, and show the world you are confident, even if you don't feel it! Have you ever seen the Film The King and I?
The tutor sings a song which says 'Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect I'm afraid. When shivering in my shoes, I strike a careless pose, and whistle a happy tune, so no one ever knows I'm afraid. The result of this deception is very clear to tell, for when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well. So whistle a happy tune, and every single time, the happiness in the tune convinces me that I'm not afraid. Make believe you're brave and the trick will take you far, you may be as brave as you make believe you are.
It's what I do when faced with daunting odds and new experiences, and, for me at least it works, although I hum, because I can't whistle any more!
My demanding elderly Mother has started ageing because she has an acute too abscess
I am expected to call her several time’s a day and this evening I had an argument as I said none of your relatives in U.K. have bothered about my Birthday
She then started to shout and I said no never shout at others only me
I expect I realise all that I do for her is never enough
What ever I say is ignored and with her tooth ache she is behaving like a child
I hope you go away for a few days and I will try to keep minimum contact with her
She has her foot injury and now a tooth ache but if others do wrong she will be polite to them but with me shouting
You are getting it in the neck from your mum. I said a few days ago to keep your phone off as much as possible.
When she calls and starts to shout, just cut the call. Do it every time she shouts at you. If she tells the Ugly Sisters and they call you, tell them you will no longer tolerate being shouted at and cut the call. Persistence is the key here, do it every time she shouts at you.
It's a bit like training puppies, repetition will eventually work, but you have to be consistent. if you weaken even once, it will put the training back to the beginning.
You have too much else to do to be at her beck and call all the time.
Yes, I would absolutely say she is a narcissist, and who tells their daughter that their father didn't care for her? Classic narcissistic behaviour, also cruel.
You, who helped him so much in his last years and he cared for you when your mother basically abandoned you to go back to Mauritius.
I would love to give your mother a slap right now, I am so cross that she could say such a thing. Sorry, that's my protective wolf coming out!
At least I understand with someone who has first hand experience that she is a Narcissist
She was even worse when she had her male friend and when he made advances to me she took out her temper on me and she took him back
I went in to fail in Dec 2017 and since my died I have supported her but she prioritised him over me and when it became obvious he was only after her Assets again I stood to her
I shall not tell her of the exam date because I think she does not want me to succeed
I regret I am not married but you as well as many on this site have given me great support
I will try to reduce the calls I make to her
She is complaining of her foot injury , now tooth abscess and what next
You can see why I call her a child and cruel as well
I no longer care for her as I used to
I think if she had her male friend insults would have been worse
I hope your house is progressing
I will no longer find agents to rent her properties
It is time I requalified and found a years experience and stood up on my own two feet and find a husband once I have lost weight
Hi Roukaya, at 51 your still young with plenty of life to live. I have just turned 66 and feel life still has plenty to offer me, I think what keeps me motivated and feeling good is I exercise everyday and try and do a crossword or some sort of puzzle to keep my brain as active as possible. My memory still leaves a bit to be desired but still feeling good.
To re-examine and set goals for yourself is a great way to improve how you feel and how well you get along.
I retired at age 60 and went back to school (local university), earning two postgraduate degrees and having the time of my life doing it.
At age 81, I ride my bike on the nearby city trail, read (my favorite pastime) literature that I love, and (this time of year) grill much of my healthy meals outside.
I try to fill my day with things that I enjoy and that keep me strong.
You are not alone; there are many of us who follow and respond to your thoughts and feelings. That shows that we care. As far kids. I have two, both of whom have problems, most of which they brought on themselves. Having children is not what brings happiness. You decide whether you want to be happy—-and you do. It. You can do it. You owe it to yourself. Take charge. The key is in your head.
I have had a great life since I was made redundant for the third time when I was 51. I new it would be diificult in getting another job and had to start my own business. It was hard at first because I would not borrow from banks and grew organically.
When I was 63 I was told I had Lung Cancer and it was only after a bronchoscopy they found I was clear but had neutropenia. This spured me on to write a musical which I produced at The Lancaster Grand Theatre in 2009. One of the results was I successfully auditioned and have been singing with th University Big Band.
Last year I had three operations to remove a Cancer on my nose which was successful.
Before the last operation my Heamatologist sent me for a Bone Marrow Biopsy. I have been
diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia with a prognosis of one or two years.
I am 80 now, so I cannot grumble. I am spending my time trying to write my life story. re-orchestrate my musical. wrting new songs and a musical. I am not giving up.
I do not want my music to die with me so if you this video cheers you up, please share.
Roukaya the best is yet to come and you CAN make it happen. I am 65, with serious health issues , but I still work and pre Covid I had a healthy social life. I too suffer from anxiety and like so many people waking to the news of the passing of Sir Tom, I am feeling down and tearful today. Just look at what this inspirational man achieved in his lifetime especially his later years!
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