I hope you are all keeping well
After a difficult day yesterday I learnt a valuable lesson in that no one can take away your own self worth or disempower you
I have a very difficult relationship with a demanding Mother learning to realise that she may try to erode my self worth but validation comes from ourselves and no external criticism can ever impact on us if we have a true sense of own worth and value
Hi Roukaya, I agree with you and that to survive this world, which is full of the judgment of others, (mostly only to ratify their own insecurities), we have to learn to say 'no' to absorbing negative energy. Opinions are multitudinous. We can't all agree all of the time, and there's no reason why, just because it comes from a family member, that you have to agree it's true. I'm pleased that you are feeling a little better about it today and goes to show that you know that this is really your mother's problem and not yours! Take care and I hope you have a better day today. 🙏
Thank you for your thoughtful reply
I hope you are well
Thank you Roukaya, Yes, I'm well but a little overheated! Just staying as calm and cool as I can! 👍😊
One of the hardest things to do is to say No to a relative who is making unreasonable demands, which is why I suggested an Assertiveness course to you, so you can learn to do it without guilty feelings.
I had to learn it many years ago, and It stands me in good stead even now.
This morning the weather has cooled noticeably; It's grey here, but no rain as yet. The humidity has dropped too.
We did have a couple of grumbles of thunder yesterday, and it looked as if there was a storm coming, but it passed over. I like storms, they make me feel energised.
I hope you are well
It is interesting that storms make you feel energised
You have been kind enough to listen and offer advice and I will look into the Assertiveness course
I wonder if you could provide an example as to how this has helped you
I realise that I am studying and doing something which will help me to assert my independence and self fulfilment
I have a fair idea why I have failed the Diploma over three years as I let the personal worries overwhelm me
My demanding little Mother will never change always the Princess but I can change
Your home sounds as though it is shaping up very well
You must be pleased with all of your hard work
Assertiveness is basically the art of knowing your own worth, and having the confidence to get out there and stand up for yourself.
It helped me immeasurably after my husband died, I had no confidence in my own abilities any more, and many folk took advantage.
The first lesson in Assertiveness is to be able to say 'No', without adding on words like 'sorry', or 'because of,' or in any way justifying yourself or allowing yourself to be 'talked into it', or making excuses. It's not an easy lesson; even now I am still tempted to make up excuses why I can't, or won't.
Basically there are three ways we respond to demands; Submissive, Assertive and Aggressive. Submissive is agreeing, even if we don't want to, in case the other person gets offended. Aggressive is when we get angry and hurtful, either verbally or physically. Assertiveness is where you can state your case without fear, clearly and consisely, and without apology or excuses.
Hope that helps.
You have done very well to strike out on your own to take charge of your destiny and realising only you can do this by being Assertive
Saying no and by making no apologies for this
Great advice Midori 👍😃
That's very helpful for everyone.
I'd like to add a fourth option ''passive aggressive''. It is the sneaky one, where the delivery is passive but the intention is quite aggressive or manipulative.
Being assertive is fundamentally about seeking a win-win situation. Respecting your rights and those of others. Whereas aggressive is more win-lose. And passive is the reverse.
Good point. Pass/Agg wasn't a thing when I learned, Unfortunately.