I hope you are all keeping well
After a difficult day yesterday I learnt a valuable lesson in that no one can take away your own self worth or disempower you
I have a very difficult relationship with a demanding Mother learning to realise that she may try to erode my self worth but validation comes from ourselves and no external criticism can ever impact on us if we have a true sense of own worth and value
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Hi Roukaya, I agree with you and that to survive this world, which is full of the judgment of others, (mostly only to ratify their own insecurities), we have to learn to say 'no' to absorbing negative energy. Opinions are multitudinous. We can't all agree all of the time, and there's no reason why, just because it comes from a family member, that you have to agree it's true. I'm pleased that you are feeling a little better about it today and goes to show that you know that this is really your mother's problem and not yours! Take care and I hope you have a better day today. 🙏
Good Morning
Thank you for your thoughtful reply
I hope you are well
Thank you Roukaya, Yes, I'm well but a little overheated! Just staying as calm and cool as I can! 👍😊
Hi Roukaya,
One of the hardest things to do is to say No to a relative who is making unreasonable demands, which is why I suggested an Assertiveness course to you, so you can learn to do it without guilty feelings.
I had to learn it many years ago, and It stands me in good stead even now.
This morning the weather has cooled noticeably; It's grey here, but no rain as yet. The humidity has dropped too.
We did have a couple of grumbles of thunder yesterday, and it looked as if there was a storm coming, but it passed over. I like storms, they make me feel energised.
Cheers, Midori
Good morning
I hope you are well
It is interesting that storms make you feel energised
You have been kind enough to listen and offer advice and I will look into the Assertiveness course
I wonder if you could provide an example as to how this has helped you
I realise that I am studying and doing something which will help me to assert my independence and self fulfilment
I have a fair idea why I have failed the Diploma over three years as I let the personal worries overwhelm me
My demanding little Mother will never change always the Princess but I can change
Thank you
Your home sounds as though it is shaping up very well
You must be pleased with all of your hard work
Hi Roukaya,
Assertiveness is basically the art of knowing your own worth, and having the confidence to get out there and stand up for yourself.
It helped me immeasurably after my husband died, I had no confidence in my own abilities any more, and many folk took advantage.
The first lesson in Assertiveness is to be able to say 'No', without adding on words like 'sorry', or 'because of,' or in any way justifying yourself or allowing yourself to be 'talked into it', or making excuses. It's not an easy lesson; even now I am still tempted to make up excuses why I can't, or won't.
Basically there are three ways we respond to demands; Submissive, Assertive and Aggressive. Submissive is agreeing, even if we don't want to, in case the other person gets offended. Aggressive is when we get angry and hurtful, either verbally or physically. Assertiveness is where you can state your case without fear, clearly and consisely, and without apology or excuses.
Hope that helps.
Cheers, Midori
Good Afternoon
You have done very well to strike out on your own to take charge of your destiny and realising only you can do this by being Assertive
Saying no and by making no apologies for this
Very helpful
Thank you
That's very helpful for everyone.
I'd like to add a fourth option ''passive aggressive''. It is the sneaky one, where the delivery is passive but the intention is quite aggressive or manipulative.
Being assertive is fundamentally about seeking a win-win situation. Respecting your rights and those of others. Whereas aggressive is more win-lose. And passive is the reverse.
Good point. Pass/Agg wasn't a thing when I learned, Unfortunately.
Morning Roukaya, the world is full of people ready too criticise. Our own self worth gives us the strength in how we deal with these situations and how long we allow them to continue, letting them bother us. I think if we try and understand the reasoning behind why someone is constantly criticising, if we understand it, then becomes less of an upsetting emotion and doesn't have the same impact. No one can take your self worth but your guard can be lowered at times I think and then it's up to you to recognise the strong and worthy person you are and don't let it have an impact on your self esteem. Of course some criticism is good, constructive criticism, as this can often guide us if it's coming from the right people. 😊🌸🌼
When someone has a go at me nowadays I ask them what their point is and get them to explain as it might be something constructive that I can learn from or if its just to be nasty because they have nothing else to do!
Yes that's it, some criticism is some people being mean, whereas, constructive criticism is something we can learn from and is helpful to us. 👍🌸🌼
When criticism is constructive and fair then I don't mind it.
Its when its done to be mean is when I do like when a colleague had a go at me last November after I had cleared out my things when I was leaving my previous job saying in a nasty manner that I could always stay there and I had cried down the phone to one of my friends as it was an upsetting time for me working my notice and a hard decision to make in leaving that place as in no way was it something I did on a whim I had really thought about it.
I had left that job as I was fed up with the petty nit picking behind closed doors there from management which wasn't to do with the petty things at all it was just to have a go to be spiteful and I feel I made the right decision in leaving that place.
We have to remember some people are nasty and it is these people we have too try our very hardest to disregard what they say because they have said it out of malice with the pure intention of upsetting us. That's why often it is a problem with them and not a problem we have ourselves. This is when you have to be strong and say to yourself, I know exactly who I am and I am happy with the person I am. 👍🌸🌻
Good Afternoon
I have this site to be supportive to me
I am learning to realise that I have to really focus for the exam in Sept and Jan
I can see how my Mother with her demands and criticism have started to take its toll
By establishing clear boundaries I have allowed the time for me to concentrate on the task at hand
I hope you keep well
Gradually I have started studying and even though it is a resit it is hard to concentrate the mind to believe you can actually get there
Thank you
Best of luck with your exams!
Thank you
Very wise words but I still find parking up other peoples comments and actions very hard to do . Some may not think they are upsetting but I have a good memory.
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Keep together ❤
Covid Test,
''CHANGES''I promise not to make new posts every day,but sometimes we have to let things flow.