You all took so much time and wrote such thoughtful responses, thank you~!
Your comments and your sharing of how you deal with things...what really helps/hurts you....helped me form a clearer sense of what is bothering me and what I can do about it....and what characteristics I have to work on~!
First of all I think I need to exhale and be more patient with myself. It was only 5 months ago that I suddenly lost the sight in one eye completely and just a little in my good eye. Right now I am just 'clearing up' from that steroid fog ...when I was down and out...I gave in. Now that I feel a bit clearer ...I'm irritated and frustrated all over again by my limitations and awkwardness sometimes. I am sure in time I will adjust more and be a 'bit smoother' and feel more confident.
I've always enjoyed being alone and working on projects, painting, reading, taking off in my car, volunteering.....even when my husband (of 31 years) and I lived together we had our separate 'zones' ...I quilted, crocheted, embroidered....he would watch TV. Reading all of your thoughts and ideas made me realize that it wasn't so much being alone as it was a sense of being an observer in life and not much of a participant anymore. I sold my car as soon as I lost my sight....maybe that was a 'panic' mistake??
Even though my husband and I have been separated for three years ...that was an amicable decision neither of us regrets.
I think in my sadness I wish wish wish my family could 'fill that place' ....but not only is that not healthy it is selfish on my part. Totally unrealistic. I'm not even positive if my mind was really thinking that or if I was just feeling sad...and I looked to my family?? I do know how happy I am with them and how much I love them.
I have recently gotten a 'crafters light' which is 3.5 magnification and LED lights. Last night I crocheted a few rows...and it felt good. My eye tires faster...but maybe when I get those new 5X glasses it will be better.
I will rent that cottage in Nova Scotia for the month of September only...it is on the ocean and the days will still be fairly long. In the meantime I am going to give myself more time to adjust and accept, try to get out with the rollater and get more exercise.
Maybe when I get my glasses I can read to children at the library? I used to volunteer at a nursing home...I think that would be too much but being around people is so stimulating. As others said...I find when I'm 'down' I don't feel as good as I do with a smile on my face.
I'm so thankful I found this forum and all of you....I'm better than yesterday and will be even still better tomorrow~!!
xo Grammy Marilyn
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Grammy80
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That all sounds likea good set of plans. The sea air will be lovely.
I found your post lovely and inspiring. However please, please, please give yourself time. You have a serious systemic illness and have been left with some visual impairment that will take time to adjust to. Mind you, I think your ideas are really great ie reading to children in the library, crocheting, painting, quilting and especially September in Nova Scotia as a goal.
My son left to do a masters degree in Edinburgh last September and I realise that although he occupied the top floor of our house and only appeared for meals, just knowing that something else with a heartbeat was in the house, banished the loneliness.Maybe it is time I got that little dog that my husband is so keen on. He travels a lot for work and I’m often alone and like you, I enjoy quiet solitary pursuits. Schools are also keen to have people in to hear children read. As children are so energising, that idea appeals to me too. My working life dealt latterly with domestic violence survivors and supporting people in court who had been the victims of crime. Perhaps it’s time to try the lighter side of life.
I didn’t know your work was similar to mine. I started my own business focused on the “lighter” side of sexuality and education after years of in depth work with people impacted by sexual trauma. I certainly needed to retire early, and now enjoy pursuits that won’t be triggering or “heavy”. Taking a break really helped with work-induced PTSD.
Indeed I get much pleasure now from picking up the boys after school, exploring our community, enjoying local theatre and starting everyday watching inspiring videos on FB.
Keep on enjoying those activities that bring you joy and contentment without the stress!
Exactly. Because I was hyper vigilant about my safety, my mental state kept triggering my body to produce cortisol to deal with fight or flight responses. I would estimate that at the height of my PTSD I was on high alert more than 50% of the day. Imagine how taxing that was on my adrenal system over the long-term. And now, that system is shut down and I have a limited dose to rely on when stress occurs.
Despite loads of support, counselling, a structured plan of self care, changing tasks and reducing hours, and even wellness funds from my employer at the time, I had to leave my career behind. Very bittersweet as my work, especially with families, was very meaningful and rewarding.
I’ve recently applied for a great paying job with our federal govt here, note of a administrative, customer service position. Will wait and see what transpires, but at the very least it would be a safe way to satisfy my yearning to work given my premature departure previously. I’m 57 and still have a few good years left.
I can relate to your vigilante fantasies and how anger could lead to an excess of inflammation. It all takes a toll, this fallout from such work. Like you said one twin baby on each hip might be the key to it all.
Oh you did apply! I hope that the outcome is the accurate one for you.
I didn’t have adequate, qualified, support. I worked for a charity. I needed proper, counselling, supervision. I heard such appalling stories that sometimes haunt me today.
Most of us on this forum have faced physical and mental challenges. Sometimes we are surprised with how those closest to us respond to our health woes. So glad you’ve decided to rent the cottage in Sept...a lovely time to enjoy N.S.
I will add that my therapist was an integral part of my journey since PMR diagnosis. She was especially helpful with regards to acceptance and making necessary adjustments.
We will continue to be here as you need us, and we will understand where you are coming from and what you are experiencing because we have one or both of the conditions.
...Just when I think I don't really need to go to the therapist anymore....I realize what an important person she is in my life. Sometimes just hearing yourself outloud things sound different...and that feedback is so 'key' to my frame of mind. xo
You sound a lovely balanced person, you're taking small steps in the right direction already. You've come through a lot already and you're getting there.
I learned a lot about myself from reading your posts and reading what others had to say. Can't believe how similar my feeling have been at times concerning my family and I too live alone. You are so brave to share your thoughts and honest thought at that. It has been very cathartic for me as well. Thank you for sharing.
This forum certainly helps me...and I'm glad you feel the same. Some times I think we just trip over ourselves trying to do the right thing and not step on toes~~~
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Gratitude for All Of You 
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Is 20mg a lot?
Very weak after losing a lot of blood
