Well, ok. A few of You Lot might have been a bit phased by my last Post - and my unusually Serious Reflections on my PMR Journey. So, in a probably futile attempt to restore the Humorous (allegedly) Balance, here goes:
After my recent philosophical excursion here, and with a renewed sense of energy, I today ventured out into the Practical World despite the snowy Winter weather conditions here - BRRRR!!
My Mission: Home Improvements Inside and Outside at The Mansions.
First: I wandered (if a bit aimlessly, due to continuing PMR symptoms and Pred Head) into the Outside Landscaping Department at my local DIY store, looking for some new materials for the Balcony. Immediately, a heavily built (Male) Store Assistant approached me briskly and asked: “Do you want DECKING?!”.
Well, what to do in these types of circumstances? My first thoughts were to apologise and slink away for wasting his time. But my better instincts (and military training) kicked into action. So, with a Lightning-quick Left Hook I, er, ‘Immobilised’ him and swiftly left the Landscaping Department - hopefully unseen by the Store’s CCTV. From experience, sometimes it’s better to get the first one ‘in’.
Looking for some new carpet too, I next wandered into the Home Furnishings Department hoping for a better Customer Experience. But, to my disappointment, another Store Assistant (this time, a young, athletic-looking Female) equally briskly asked me: “Do You Want FLOORING?”.
Well, again, what to do? Just to say that I resisted the impulse to inflict similar damage on a Lady: and so I made my apologies and left the store quietly.
All I can say is: what is Customer Service coming to nowadays? Or is it me...
‘Uncle’ MB
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markbenjamin57
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I agree! These long posts can be very confusing and some of us in the “upper age group” just haven’t the patience/desire to wade through them.
I feel that some very good advice is “missed”. Uncle Mark has often very sound advice somewhere in his posts - I think some would miss this advice because they’ve lost the thread half way through.
Good point Constance. Note to Self: Be more Concise. That said, even I lose the thread when I'm writing this silly stuff: so there's probably No Hope for any of us
No. I was thinking about my mother threatening to clock me round the ears! But yours sounds more interesting. I’m assuming you’re drawing on past experience 😂
Ohh, sorry bronni - crossed wires maybe? The old 'drunk / clock repairer' gag is a priceless bit of Double Entendre (in my opinion). It goes: Lecherous drunk enters clock repair shop. Pretty young female assistant politely asks: "can I help you Sir?" Drunk grins, er, exposes himself and replies: "Can you put a pair of hands on this..?"
That's it. I will face the Site Moderators' response with suitable Humility...
This post should keep you going for a while Mark Benjamin. 😂
Why we like the British
True Reports from British life ..........!!!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & A syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his arse. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your bottom sideways!'
14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
You always make me Laugh, notwithstanding the Last Post- we should have Two Minutes Silence, for that....Sorry wrong 'Last Post'!
You could have gone into the Fishmongers and got some SOUL. If you went into the Library then, we would at least, be on the same PAGE. The Dentist would give you the TOOTH. If you went Swimming, well then, you would just be a BIG DRIP! If I carry on, at this rate, you will call the Cops....Oh well ARESTED Development again! A Blond Girl, goes into a Library "Two Cod And Chips Please" bellows the girl. The Librarian Patently says "I'm sorry but this is a Library". To which, the girl, then Whispers "two cod and chips, please"
I went to see the Circus Of Horrors, last night...Very good but Awfully Loud! Almost, so loud, you couldn't hear it...I know that that Sounds Stupid however, if you have ever experienced it, you will know what I mean. By the way....How do you Kill a Circus? Simple, go for the Juggler! I might have told you, this one....A Vulture goes to get onto a bus, carrying a dead animal, "Mind if I bring a Carrion?". A lady, and baby, want to board a High Speed Bus, across America, but The Driver won't let her board with her baby. As the next bus, comes along, the Lady wraps the child, in an old Newspaper. When the Driver askes about 'The Package' the Lady, simply says that they are 'Fish & Chips'. "Well I should eat then quick, if I were you" says the Driver "all the vinegar is running out!". What happens, when you lie under, a cow? You get a PAT on the head....Ok a, bit of, a Naughty one....A young boy is asked to recite the Alphabet, by his Teacher. The child starts "A, B, C, D...…..M, N, O, Q, R, S....." "Hold it" says the Teacher "What happened to 'P'". To which the child replies "It's Running Down, my leg, Miss!".
A man is coming back, from abroad, and as his Wife see him he shouts "FF", to which she replies "No EF". As the man 'Clears' Customs checks, his Wife shouts "EF"- to which he replies "No FF"...."No EF"...."No FF"....and so on. Finally Curiosity overcomes the Customs Officer "Excuse Me Sir" he begins Politely "your not in any 'Trouble' but I'm intrigued. "Oh" begins the man "she just wants to Eat First".
Two Red Indians, go fishing, but it's very cold out on the water, so one of them lights a fire! Obviously, the pair of them sink. The Moral here...You Can't Have Your Kayak, And Heat It.
I enjoyed today’s posts better than stiff legs 🦵 etc. But then I suppose we wouldn’t gain all the useful information we gather over the months, but it is good to have a laugh sometimes and the old ones are definitely the best.
I seem to remember it was a birthday present from my dear Twister - who thinks I'm still age six and-three-quarters. She's a good judge of character...
A few more, 'quick Ones'...."Baa, Baa black sheep, have you any wool?" "Well I AM a F..king Sheep...What do YOU think?". Little Bow Peep, has lost her Sheep....Clumsy Cow! Three Blind Mice...running after a Farmers Wife? Really, they are clearly Playing A Blinder! Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard, to get her Poor Doggy a bone...Now, be honest, wouldn't you have thought, that she would know...what was in her OWN cupboards!
The boy ran across, the field, over towards his Friends....As he approaches, he Strikes, and The Match...……...catches fire! He Moved On, battling against the Resistance, determined to reach his Goal....how's stupid idea, was it, to play in Treacle! Round, and Round, and, Round, and Round went the paddle...Next time get 'Them', to stir it- in the Shop! Well, if it Weighs Too Much....Don't put as much in- you can always come back!
One Last one....A Chimpanzee gets into the Bath "WA, HAA, HAA, HHAAA, HAAAA, O-O-O-O, W-A-A-A.... "Well put in some COLD then" exclaims his Wife.
If the Plural of Hippopotamus is Hippopotami, then what, is the Plural of Whataclotamus?
Yes I thought so! If frozen meat is 'Iced Meat' and frozen Cream is 'Ice Cream' what is Frozen ink? You said it!
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