Need advice again

[Grammajoy]

My daughter really wants to have a gathering for my 80th BD early April. It’s a 12 hour drive for her and almost that long for others. They will rent a house and take care of everything but as all of you are aware, I am just not my normal happy self and they want to bring spouses and great grands. I am so honored that they love me so much (one is my ex daughter in law who considers me her mother). What would you do?

[Hidden]

Hi grammajoy

It sounds like a wonderful arrangement and the most horrifying at the same time when you don't feel good. It might be a good thing to try. I had same at Xmas with 12 of us in a 4 bedroom house. My sister made sure I had a room to myself where I could rest and recuperate. As host my sister basically told me to do what I needed to do to enjoy myself. Perhaps talk to the leader (there's always one) and agree terms. Rest for a few days before and after.

Like I said it is slightly scary but they all care for you so perhaps go with the flow?

[1Purplecrow]

Hi Grammyjoy, its ok to let the “kids” do ALL the work... you only need to show up and Smile. You will be able to assert yourself and take regular naps, eat what makes you feel good, and stay only as long as you wish.

Its absolutely o.k. to play the OLD LADY card, and then take care of yourself as you know you need.

Kids and Grands will be up to their ears in festivities they organized, and will truly not fault you for showing up...then slipping away to “rest”. You might slip away to have a nice cocktail or glass of wine, tea, soda,...and chat with favorite old friends...letting the frenetic activity go on without you.

Life is truly our own, and short as it is..goes on with or without us. Take care of yourself, and let others do the same❣️

Kind Regards, Jerri

[Hidden]

Good Morning, Tough one, for sure... it would be a shame to not commemorate you 80th birthday with friends and family but at the same time it sounds harrowing, to me. I like 1Purplecow's idea about "slipping away," when you feel the need. And she is right, with so many people there, they will just carry on celebrating without you! Maybe give it a go... unless of course, the though of it, really distresses you. Happy Early Birthday by the way! 80, good for you!

[DorsetLady PMRGCAuk volunteer]

Hi Grammajoy

Go for it!

It’s great that they all want to come that far to celebrate with you. As others have said let the youngsters do the work, and try (as much as you can) to relax and enjoy yourself.

We know it’s going to be slightly stressful, albeit in a nice way, but you only get to 80 once and it’s worth celebrating.

Try and rest as much as you can the days before, and let your daughter know that it may be a bit overwhelming for you, and you may need some time to yourself during their stay. If you think you may need it you can always take a extra mg or two on the actual day (but don’t make a habit of that!)

But most of all...enjoy! 🌹

[SheffieldJane]

Oh I feel for you. That is just the kind of loving trap that fills me with dread and yet it always turns out ok in the end. Your family knows that you are not well and can only manage a limited amount of social stimulation. I would find a comfy chair and sit and watch your lovely family and smile and smile. Let them take their photos and honour you in the way they need to. Then I would pleasantly excuse myself for a nap. Possibly, just possibly you will get a second wind after that. You will sift through the beautiful memories for years. Good luck sweetheart, I hope it is wonderful!🌸

Don’t worry about their drive and efforts, they need to do this.

[teesher in reply to SheffieldJane]

I like the phrase 'loving trap'.

[Celtic PMRGCAuk volunteer]

Oh, Grammajoy - what a dilemma for you! I well remember those pain/steroid-driven days when all I wanted to do was curl up on my own! But this is such a special birthday and it's obvious that you have a loving family who want to do this for you so please don't miss out on it. I'm sure everyone will understand if you feel the need to escape to a quiet room and rest at any time in between the celebrations. You will be surrounded by love and you will have made some lovely memories to cuddle you in comfort and help to soon restore you to your "normal happy self" again on any future 'low' days. What date in April, so that we can celebrate with you, even if it is only remotely?!

[GranAmie]

TBH I chickened out for my 75th in December and, as we're a v small group, said i needed the sun and i booked us all 7: him indoors, son, daughter n husband and 2 kids into aholiday package w/kids free. separate apts and a pool and h/b- and 4me it was worth it. just a family lunch and meetup for dinner so i cd sleep n sleep... is there some compromise ... don't know where u live but is there a hotel etc you've "always wanted to visit" which turns out to be a halfway house to meet up? a fancy taxi 4u? depends on the group size, really. however u decide, enjoy the day with loads of rest xoxox

[Grammajoy]

What a fabulous group of unseen friends you are. My husband was so impressed with your replies as was I. Everyone agrees that we will postpone the gathering until fall when my area in the North Georgia mountains will be spectacular. Thanks for caring.

[GOOD_GRIEF]

Let them have their reunion at the house they're renting, and you join them when you're ready, willing and able, for as long or short periods as you can take. And make it clear no one is to come to your house.

Make your own independent transportation arrangements to the rental house so when you want to go there or return home, you don't have to rely on one of them - who may want to keep you there longer than you want to stay.

Have a great time!

[Grammajoy in reply to GOOD_GRIEF]

I had to laugh at make it clear no one is coming to your house🤣

[HeronNS]

In my salad days I was invited to a similar "do". Yes, I believe the occasion was a grandparent's birthday, but what I mostly remember was the chance to meet and get to know lots of relatives. So the advice to play the OLD LADY CARD is excellent. You are the excuse, the reason for the party, and they will make a fuss over you, but you are not going to have to entertain them or anything arduous at all, especially if the "leader" as described above, knows exactly that you are a precious princess. Or dowager queen as the case may be.

Have fun, enjoy being a royal, if just for a day!👑

[PMRpro Ambassador in reply to HeronNS]

I agree with Heron - let them have the fun of you still being there even if it is only a bit. It will be so much nicer than them meeting in x years time without you there - if you see what I mean We had a great party for my MIL's 80th - in our part of the house. She retreated to her granny flat when it got too much.