The Lighter Side - Our recent Log-in problems and a Useful Conversation with ‘Professor' Stan ;-)

Greetings All

I’ve followed with interest your numerous posts about the frustrations experienced with accessing this site recently - me included. Unfortunately I’m not a techie and can’t contribute at that level, but I’m a great believer in finding alternative solutions to any problem encountered on Life’s Journey.

So, I took the unusual step of contacting my favourite Word-Mangler, ‘Professor’ Sir Stanley Unwin, to seek his view on this 20th century digital communication problem.

“But Stanley Unwin died many years ago”, I hear you say! That’s where my cunning plan sprung to life (even if he can’t).

Today, I contacted ‘The Professor’ via Doris - a local Clairvoyant and Medium whom I’ve known for many years. By chance, Doris happens to be the grand-mother of the delightful Dr. Samantha French (who you might have read about in my recent post ‘Janet and John - and The New Rheumatologist’).

Doris is still working despite being in her late-nineties. In her heyday, she mediated between those who are still living and famous celebrities who have passed-on. She mentioned Sir Max Bygraves, Sir Des O’Connor, and HRH Prince Philip, but unfortunately she couldn’t remember who fell into which category. Oh well…

Although Doris confesses to be more ‘average’ than ‘medium’ nowadays due to her advanced age, she kindly offered to make contact with Stanley on The Other Side and gave me permission to publish my conversation with him for (q) ‘an old-fashioned two hundred quid’ (!).

After much spiritual contemplation and ‘connecting’ via the ether, we finally got through:

Me: Hi Stan, greetings from the other side! How are you? I remember that, apart from your latter comedy career, you were in fact quite a technophile and communications expert when in the BBC in your past life in the mortal world. From your greater experience, could you help us with a 21st century technical problem here on the Health Unlocked forum?

Stan (after a long and awkward pause):

“Greetlyfoles MarkBenjyful57! At last, thought you’d never be in touch! It’s ok but a bit boringly ‘up’ here. Sweetly Angelies, yes, but Joyful and Singfole gladly all the blooming time. Harpy, harpy, and more harpilope. Send me Glenys Miller and Chuckle Berry please?! What’s the problode?”


Basically, we’re having a problem accessing a very important Internet Social / Health Forum where us Polymyalgia Rheumatica / Giant Cell Arteritis sufferers exchange views and advice. The main problem is ‘logging-on’ (if you remember this term?). It’s driving us mad - or even madder than some of us are already…”


“Well, I can imagine your feelings of deeply frustatedly, sadly and even madly. Fingies dancely excitely over the ‘Do Not Enter’ buttonhole on the computer, waitey-waitey for wise, witty or wistfully wonklode answers - and then a Blackly Hole that even Prof. Stephlode Hawkfrale would get excitedly about. Deep woe and much dimly and grimly for you all down there, I’ll be bound!

Me: So, in your vast experience of these things, what’s going on here?


“Well, it’s all about ‘Cookiefoles’. Basically, Cookiefoles are eney-miney-mo-de-do-de-dum-and-glum bits of electronic dating that chasey-chasey and rotatey around each other and snappy endlessful on the interblinkingnet like mischielode Terriers in a Dog Show on Exmoor - or maybe English MPs in a General Election?! This gives worldy-wise internetfole users confusedly feelings of interconnectedness-less and hopeless flallopiness, not to mention a jangly and remarkibold frazzeldy which can drive even the most sanely person to constipation - or even worse, knackerit and unsanitary. Deep woe…not to mention the clearing-up afterwards.

And.. the scripty-scrolly-good-golly-miss-molly 24, 36 and 72-bit micro-jolly-algorilla-rhythms in modern dis-computers often get carried awayfully with their own importlode and discombobulate, jangle and mangle the user interface to the point of Desperately Danfold. And we all know what happened to HIM..!”

Me: So, what’s the Answer, Stan?


“Well, Markifold (and your severalode compatrioles), my answer to this scratchy-heady, much jangly and confuscious modern techniciful issue is to stop jabbery endlessly at the keyhole - or even practise some pre-meditation to bring-back a sense of nicely floatey and calmful. Or even Karma Sutra - depending on your age and martial circumstancelodes? This way, you will find muchly happifole and will be able to scriley on the ‘HUGGHH’ forum with new optimismlode when you puttly your mindful to it - and also have the sparkly eyefuls to receive worldy wisdlode from others with awe - or an oar if you are into rowingly. Deep joyful and tranquilitode will follow - believe me. Excuse me for a moment - the Bl**dy Angels are back and want me to sing ‘Joyfulode and Spiritful’ for the fifth time today. Mark! - can you get me a pass-out back to my old world for a few decades? - this lot are driving me Bonkers!

At this point, Stan fell silent and faded back into the spiritual ether. Neither Doris or I heard any more from him, despite her encouraging me to put another two hundred quid on the table (q) ‘just in case he’s still there, darling’. Doris isn’t as daft as she is old and charming. As for Samantha (her Rheumatologist grand-daughter), I can't say if she has the same DNA. But maybe John can throw some light on this..? ;-).

The main thing for me was that the late ‘Professor’ Sir Stanley Unwin had made his point about our (possibly over?) dependence on technology in my brief and welcome, if surreal encounter with him via the venerable Doris. I think Stan had got it right - a brief encounter and a smile, however fleeting, can be the best medicine of all - and can transcend any boundary. And, sometimes, fantasy can be the better alternative to, er, the other alternative (as I write, I’m, trying to work this one out for myself too - work in progess..).

In my gratitude for 'talking' with Stan, I’m sending him a Chuck Berry album tonight. I don’t know how to do this, exactly, but to quote Stan, “Goodleybold and Heartfelt Thinky doth mangle mountains into mere molehills”.

Goodly and Joyful feelies to you all - Laughter is often the best Medicine of all.

Keep smiling on the Journey.. ;-)

MB :-)

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25 Replies

  • ~You clever clogs - most entertaining as always :) :) :)

  • Thanks Megams, I try to do my best :-)

  • Yes, in so few words, MB57's dialogue is good though-par excellonce, Shame we cannot sneak him into HealthUnlocked HQ to sort out the Site access ! All these learned persons that he knows ,must have been at ETON !!!!!!!!!!!!! .In the meantime, when I go from email to post I am asked, which website I wish to use and to add to it, have to LOG in again. If MB57 cannot sort it out , I will have to speak to Jacques Cousteau ! - Scubadiver

  • Many thanks scubadiver, nice to see a 'new' face here and I feel very humbled :-)

    You lot could always sneak me in to HUHQ under cover (disguised as John Wayne maybe - wouldn't attract any undue attention). But with my IT skills (or lack of) I'd probably sabotage the entire network! Jake Costalot is probably your best bet - obviously you're well connected too :-D

    As for Eton and knowing learned persons, I wish! - I'd be in the Cabinet Office by now. On the other hand, I've been thrown out of better places in my time. Talking of Eton / (en), an infamous night at an Indian Restaurant in Weston super mare when I left without paying my bill comes to mind. Just to say, the local Magistrates were very understanding when I told them in mitigation that I have PMR related Brain Fog (it works every time!) ;-)

    Keep smiling and joining in with the fun - thanks again and have a good weekend.

    MB :-)

  • I sometimes think associating Eton and learned persons is an oxymoron. There are a lot of morons involved at least...

  • Actually, that's why I never join any Old Boys' club PMRpro. Too much of an individual - for better or worse! ;-)

  • Funny - I've never joined an Old Boys Club either...

  • Nice one, Boom boom!

    Must confess, I did manage to join the Girl Guides when I was 14. When my parents asked me why I applied and how on earth I got in, I just told them I'd lied about my age... :-D

  • Rofl mark, even though it made my eyes hurt reading it😂 And many thanks for another dose of chuckles that we all need.

    Have a great day!

  • Thanks JJackdaw - you too :-)

  • Thank you for making me smile. At the worst point in my day, when I'm trying to summon up the physical and mental strength to get out of bed and face the day, your wonderfully funny and very clever posts brighten up my day. A sense of humour is an essential of life. It certainly helps battling PMR. Bless you.

  • Ah bless you too, Jean56. Nice to keep my friends giggling in between the though bits! :-)

  • Good Morning Mark on a day that the sun is reluctant to shine, you brought a cheery brighten-ness to my little pain stained world. Thank you. I could easily 'over dose' on your stories, happily.

  • Thanks Jan, with PMR we all need some cheer at times :-)

  • The answer to your problode with Chuckles is starling you straightbackfordly in the visage, old boy. Handily we now have icloud - send it there!

  • Thanks polkadotcom - I'll get Stan on to it ;-)

  • At 2am in the morning, this was a delight to read on another sleepless night

    in Sonoma, CA. Keep up the great funnies. Oh, how we/ I need these bits of fun and joy.

  • Thanks Joyful :-). What a co-incidence, I found myself still up at 2 in the morning (UK) writing it. Mmmm... better think about the next one! ;-)

  • Another gem Mark, Y A A B I L Y..S

  • Thanks Pete, all part of the service!

    Ok, I give up (Y A A B I L Y..S etc). Hummphh.. :-/

    MB :-)

  • You are awful but I like you...shove.

    Sorry just went through my mind.

  • Ha Pete, you're one step ahead of me!

    If you get a chance, dial-in 'Dick Emery' / YouTube and you'll see some of his hilarious sketches - including the dreaded 'Brenda' (YAABILY) in various contexts. Well worth watching...

    Happy Days.. keep smiling and have a good weekend!

    MB :-)

  • You too Mark, thanks for the tip, I'll look him up :-)

  • Hi Mark, that was hilarious as always. You bring such a wonderful uplifting distraction of humour to us all. Best medicine ever, thank you, have a great day.

    Jane X

  • Thanks Jane - always a pleasure to raise a few giggles here.

    MB :-)

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