I'm going to tell the blunt, honest truth in this post. If the administrators delete or modify this, I will disappear and no one on planet Earth will ever hear from me again, except to find my bloodied corpse. I'm sick and tired of nobody caring, or thinking I'm faking it.
The closest thing that can describe my condition in medical terms is Pudendal Neuralgia.
It was December 28th or 29th of 2012, about 10 at night. I was masturbating, something I'd been trying to quit as it clashed with my Christian beliefs. When I climaxed, I was hit with the sudden sensation that someone had taken a pair of vise grips, grabbed the tissue between my scrotum and rectum, and twisted. For an added bonus, they also plugged the vise grips into an electrical outlet. Never in my life had I felt a more utterly excruciating and fundamentally WRONG sensation. The rest of my body went almost completely numb, except for a terrible burning sensation. My rectum felt as though someone had violated me with a fire hydrant. That's vulgar, I know, but that's the best description. I can't exaggerate.
I was employed as a butcher at the time. Needless to say, this was out of the question. They were kind enough to put me on light duty, at least for a while. So I got stuck answering phones. Sitting in the chair was almost as bad as tossing the heavy meats around. It was eighty degrees in the room, and I had to wear a sweater and pajamas under my pants. This feeling of being ice cold alternated with a sudden attack of heat, and I'd start sweating like mad and have to take the sweater off. This went on until January the 15th of 2013. They had to cut me loose, so I went on medical leave.
By the way, for the entire month of January, I had maybe a day's worth of bowel movements. My rectum was apparently locked down
I sought some modicum of relief, going to various doctors and neurologists, and racking up medical bills that are still outstanding. I was put on gabapentin, vicodin and zanaflex, which helped to a point. At least I didn't feel like screaming and crying all the time. A pain management doctor did an epidural(which accomplished nothing). Then he did a couple of pudendal nerve blocks(which made me feel strange(r) and kind of helped for a while).
My condition did seem to abate somewhat in November. It's a good thing too, because by that time, my insurance and money had run out. I couldn't afford medication, insurance, or any kind of medical care whatsoever. If my condition had continued, I would have died from it, without a doubt.
I should mention that I have been living with my aunt since before this started, as I moved in with her when my mother died. Up until that point, I was paying her rent of sorts.
My aunt has never appreciated the extent of this. She's one of those people who, if you're not bleeding or there's not a bone sticking out of you somewhere, then you must be perfectly healthy. I'm sure she doesn't even realize she's doing it, but I can see the contempt on her face when I show a sign of weakness from this. Other relatives of mine will ask me if I can do something, like drive a really long way, or do some kind of labor, and they act SO surprised when I can't, and ask me why not. This gives me the urge to punch them in the face. But I show no sign of anger toward them. That's the worst part of it all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but if I could make them all suffer from this for just half an hour or so, they would be begging and pleading with me for it to stop. And then they'd understand. They all would, without any doubt at all.
Anyway, in April, my aunt pressured me into taking a job at her company. I'm not sure, but I think there was an unwritten threat in there that if I refused, I was going to be out on the street. The job was simple, and I could've done it in my sleep before all this crap started. I was to sort through files of taxi drivers, update them, and do some computer stuff. This was all now completely beyond my abilities. I couldn't stand long enough to sort the files. I couldn't bear the pressure of the chair on my perineum, buttocks, or back. There was obviously no place to lay down.
I lasted for four days, until I was basically reduced to a quivering wreck.
Well, she didn't throw me out. But I've paid for it. I semi-recovered from that episode, and was at least able to drive my aunt to work and back, and little stuff like the store. About three weeks ago, I had a huge flare-up. I've been confined to bed since then, except to do the little bit of driving.
My body is numb, except for the freezing, tingling, and burning sensations. Thankfully, the perineal pain is minimal, however touching my penis can cause a burst of pain in my rectum, and down my left leg and hip. Having an air conditioner or a fan blowing on my skin is like being dipped into a vat of acid. Taking a shower is very unpleasant. There is no comfortable temperature for the water.
I've been trying to get on social security disability since December, and was denied disability through my insurance several times last year. I've put the paperwork in to get medical assistance from the county. I've gotten a disability lawyer because the jerks denied my claim twice.
By the way, I should mention, I'm 29 years old. My life as I knew it is completely over. Unless I can be cured, I will never have children or a family because I can't have sex. I will never be able to travel. I can't go and see my family up in east Texas. Sometimes I can't even eat for days at a time because I feel so bad, and because my gut will basically shut down. And if my disability doesn't come through, I will be out on the street when my aunt retires. And then I will die.
There are times I think God has abandoned me because of my sins. I desperately cling to my faith and hope, but it feels like an uphill battle.
I had to say all of this, because if I didn't, if nobody listens to me, REALLY listens, I will take myself out of this world. So help me God, I don't want to, but there are certain levels of existence that I am neither prepared nor able to accept.
I did say there was a question, didn't I? Here it is. Is this pudendal neuralgia or something else? I should add that I seem to have some kind of internal rectal prolapse going on. Could this be putting pressure on my pudendal nerve, and the masturbating simply set it off that night in 2012? I ask, because anything that irritates my rectum, like diarrhea or pushing even slightly to have a bowel movement can set off a flare-up.
Thank you for listening.
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