I woke up out of sorts this morning having had a revealing nightmare last night.
In my dream, I was supposed to be attending a meeting but couldn’t find my jabs to take before the meeting. I was feeling stressed and worried I might get brain fog and mess up.
In my dream, I looked in a mirror and the whites of my eyes were bright fluorescent yellow! It looked so scary.
In my dream I went outside and for some reason I got on a bus and it dropped me off in an empty street in a place I didn’t know. I was all alone and starting to get really scared.
In my dream, I started to feel really hot and thankfully at that point I woke up - the sun was shining and the bedroom was warming up - phew - first thing I did was check my eyes!!!
In real life my eyes are normal but I feel so out of sorts today. The dream summed up the inner turmoil of self-treating, “Is it too much?” “Is it enough?” “Am I functioning normally?” “Can people notice when I am struggling?” “Who is there to help?”
In real life - only you guys are my help - I hope my dream makes you laugh and hopefully your sharp wit and irony which I value will buoy me up and encourage me to carry on rowing my own boat.
🤗🤗🤗
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Wwwdot
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A dream like that can be discombobulating. Fortunately, you do not have yellow eyes. Phew, you did not change into a werewolf. I really hope the bus driver in your dream did not charge you any fare.
On a serious note, in REM, our subconscious mind is processing, solving, resolving masses of information which includes our emotions. I can reassure you that you are doing the best for you on your PA/B12D journey. The person who has the best judgement and perception is you. Whether others in person are attuned to your needs; it would be nice to believe so.
Wwwdot, how much is a little ride on your boat ? Keep rowing and who would you like to be the Owl or the Pussycat ? I will provide the honey and plenty of money. We shall dance by the light of the silvery moon.
Seriously though, I think, I hope, these dreams are OK. The hope is because I now have very very vivid dreams that are in living color. So real that when I wake I am momentarily startled as I try to discern whether this place I've woken up in is a dream or the dream is a dream. I presume it has something to do with "something" haha I know that makes no sense but I've not ever dreamed like this before my illness. It's taken some time to get used to. Most I cannot figure the meaning but one stands out... I was on this rickety bus full of refugees, yes I must have been one of them, and I could see behind us was just a desolate battlefield the landscape was dark and burning. I too was very alone and the bus just kept going and going making occasional stops and people would get off. I don't think anyone ever got on. Curious thing is on this bus you needed to show the conductor? Curious as Conductors are on trains not buses? But you had to show the conductor your ticket to get off as apposed to get on? After a very long time and the bus was nearly empty the conductor came to me and said, we're almost at the end of the line and asked where I was going. I said, I don't know. He then said well it's on your ticket let's see it. I had no ticket... then I awoke very started feeling very alone. I now know or think, this dream was my mind processing and reconciling many things. One being the seeming destruction of, i'll call it my previous life (the battlefield), and me leaving that behind. Then trying to find a new life with a purpose that's fit my "now" capabilities. In the new life, like on the bus, I've no clue where I'm going. Like you Wwwdot it is lonely, sometimes scary. Everyone, including family, looks at us and sees "normal" us. They do not see the turmoil, both physically and mentally, that is roiling within us. There is not one doctor that is looking out for us. Yeah they may give us a few minutes here and there but we are quickly forgotten once we leave their office. Our minds, when we sleep and leave all the daily clutter behind, are working hard to reconcile all of this. I think that may be a good thing.
This journey of ours is frustrating, discombobulating, scary, lonely, and mentally exhausting.
Your dream is cool and I'd love to be on your amazing boat!
Oh geez I think I've written a book! Hope you don't mind.
You make a good observation - colour! I don’t know if the rest of the dream was in colour or just my eyes but I too have very vivid real dreams at times but my husband calls them nightmares as they are always of a horrific or scary nature. Often extremely emotionally draining and challenging.
I think my dreams reflect that during the day I put on a brave face and continue to support my family yet inside I do sometimes wish I could run away and hibernate!
In a way it’s good it’s this way round as it must also be terrible and upsetting if your dreams were better than your daily life which I am sure sadly is the case for many.
Your dream is not dissimilar to mine in that it’s a journey, your unprepared, destination unknown, not of our choice, alone, and scary.
Actually perhaps a sign that at least our subconsciouses are still in good working order!
Wwwdot, Maybe it's our subconscious that's running away from it all to get away from scatter we experience during the day. Like it's the unruly child sneaking out at night while we're asleep. 🤯😳🤔
Dreams like that can be disturbing and very unsettling. The important thing to remember is, it was just a dream and hopefully today you’re feeling less scared
However, these dreams can be valuable tools because sometimes they reflect our deepest emotions that we’re fearful to confront or acknowledge. Bringing them to the surface, though difficult, has served a purpose. You are now questioning your thoughts and actions; this is healthy and will raise conflict that only you can resolve - of course with the help of those on this forum who can relate to the loneliness and anxiety you’re feeling.
After a period of reflection, not necessarily today, you will perhaps emerge slightly changed with thoughts on how to do things differently (or not). Your turbulent thoughts will subside and you’ll have a clearer idea on how to proceed, which may be the same as before or it may not. Whatever your conclusions or decisions, you have experienced an important re-evaluation of your circumstances. Frightening as it it is, this is healthy and so very useful
Yes Narwhal did make me smile! She has a beautiful grace and elegance to some of her responses and a steel kickass grit with others! A valuable asset to us all!
Yes, I am feeling better today and on reflection, I think the root of the dream is self-doubt. I have never been into biology preferring physics and engineering so I, like many others, have been dragged into the biology and medical arena. I am not good with blood and needles and my family know what I wuss I am and if they injure themselves, they have to see to me first then themselves!!
It’s been really useful sharing the dream with you guys - insightful and inspiring as always.
I didn’t think I was Squimish don’t know if that’s how you spell it but have fainted 3 times in the hospital once when my husband had a wittlow another time when my mum was in hospital then my dad when visiting mum my sisters said you waited until all the drs were coming round and threw yourself on the floor, haha I ended up in the next bay on the bed and a man came and asked me if I wanted a telly , I said I’m not stopping just ended up here , hope that gives you a bit of a laugh
Yes, it’s a feeling only you guys can understand and relate to. Your hugs are so welcome and appreciated especially today.
So many people seem to dismiss the implications and harsh reality of self-treating B12D. Unless you have experienced it is easy to view self-treatment as an unnecessary self-indulgence - I must confess that would have crossed my mind had I not known what I know now.
It is odd how you can feel so lonely when surrounded by family and friends. This forum is so important.
I frame my nightmares as Frenemies. It is not that the nightmare causes me to be discombobulated rather the nightmare is the result of my discombobulation. Not in conflict with what you expressed in general just a different way of framing.
I also work on the principle that my dreams do what they should as long as I do not think about them. OR A dream is just a dream.
The nightmare sometimes gives me direction as to what I might want to attend to which is not the same as a solve.
Yes, most defo a different and useful perspective and I think nightmares are the now and “frenemies “ the reflection. Thank you .
It is definitely a conflict on a day to day basis as first I want to run before I can walk, secondly I wish I could turn back time, thirdly I am scared of making irreparable mistakes, and fourthly it’s like going back to school to relearn what you now know is not as you were told ie how to eat healthily and keep fit. It’s as if the world has been turned upside down. The truth is uncomfortable
When I was 20 I had the bright idea of writing down my dreams during the night.
Better to pretend you are sane than prove you are not. 🙂
You are still way ahead of the curve on treatment and healing. This has a high degree of difficulty. Much bad information and not very much helpful if you want to heal. No way to keep score.
I experience everything differently now. It is better for now but not wonderful. I have angst whenever I do something that I have done before. Less physical anxiety but it is disconcerting.
I love to swim and will be able to in weeks. It will not be the same and that causes angst. Pretty much I love my children and they love me is the only constant.
I do not frame it as schooling or learning rather a different way of experiencing. If it was a simple as school I would have solved it when I was 10. It is not.
Although it is just perspective I believe that because B12 is not very soluble in water seeing 1 ml of red fluid going into my body is not an easy thing to accept. Fact is two sugar packets is a three years supply of B12 even at the amounts I inject as far a volume is concerned. That does not mean it cannot do harm but the perspective affects me.
If I take one Advil at 200 mg that would mean if I injected it at the same ratio I would need 0.2 liters per dose. On the other hand if it was fentanyl the amount I inject would be fatal each time I inject.
I find what I am taught to be a great place to start and a horrible place to stop. That someone else could explain me to me is bizarre to me. Those that do tend to have two things in common. They are arrogant and wrong.
Sharing and express is awesome!!!!!!!!! Incorrect instruction not so much unless the person has the answer and not just an answer.
I recognise the underlying anxiety of feeling alone with a serious illness. And how very important this forum is for me and many others in mitigating that anxiety.
Yes, it is a serious illness that has warranted less than 5 minutes of my GPs interest and attention. Apart from authorising blood tests when I request - nothing! Absolutely nothing! Now if THAT is not anxiety causing , I don’t know what it!!!
This forum deserves to be on a gold podium, with gold medals and crowns as everyone is a hero, not only in coping with this insidious disease but having the fortitude to push on alone day by day. Yes it is a relentless journey and I couldn’t do it without you guys!
Hello Wwwdot, It makes us all feel very isolated when we cannot manage to summon up some interest from our GP's. Couple that with the added feeling of isolation in terms of our decisions in relation to treatment plans that are often a "best guess" on occasions.
I was left with no GP assistance years ago when I had been diagnosed with ME/CFS and I am afraid I developed a lower expectation of doctors in general and an anger at feeling that I was not being believed. I am afraid that these feelings have not changed significantly over the years and apply equally to PA/B12D as well.
The quality of the support available here is quite frankly astoundingly good. There are always people here willing to listen and help whenever they can and they genuinely care. I think most of us have to get used to seeking advice and support in a different way and to not blame ourselves for being unable to achieve input or concern from a GP who may not care one way or the other. We are all in a different place on this journey of recovery and that is the biggest help for us all to share. Taking responsibility for our own health can feel quite empowering, if a little scary. Best wishes.
Thank you and sadly you are right that so many invisible diseases fall outside the care remit of our GPs and the NHS. I am sorry to hear of your disappointment too and subsequent low expectations of care.
I think I need to make a mental effort to reprogram my feelings and to not let “the lack of care” affect my self-worth. Lack of care can so easily manifest into feelings of low importance and self worth once the initial outrage and shock subsides.
I love your word “empowering” and I think that is going to be my flip side and takeaway from my nightmare - to find ways to translate the scariness and isolation of self-treatment into confidence (while avoiding complacency) and empowerment.
" it is a serious illness that has warranted less than 5 minutes of my GPs interest and attention. Apart from authorising blood tests when I request - nothing! Absolutely nothing!"
Gosh WWwdot, I can so relate to this comment! I am so sorry. I wish I could reach through this monitor and give you a real hug. 🫂🌷🦋🌷🫂
EllaNore, reaching through the airwaves to send hugs to you too.
It is sad that we have had these experiences and it’s important that we don’t “take it personally”. I mean it’s down to a lack of resources and education - not because the disease is insignificant or that we are unimportant. It’s just our health issue landed jam side down!
Ahhhh Wwwdot, I am so sorry. Sending you a big hug and tons of empathy. That is a very telling dream. It makes 100% sense to me. It sounds like one of those that seems so real yet not and one that no matter what you do, you can't seem to wake up from. It makes you wake up feeling out of sorts, discombobulated. Perhaps you were not feeling well while sleeping, hence the nightmare. Waking up out of sorts, sets the entire day sometimes. 😏 It has been warm enough to be outside lately here, so that is what I do when I am feeling that way. In fact I have been feeling that way for a few weeks per my latest post, so I have been resting and trying to do things that take my mind off things. It is not easy, I know. But I kinda feel like rest is really what I need. Perhaps that is what you need too. Especially with such an unrest sleep. Sending hugs and restful wishes 🌷
You are quite right I have rested today and went back to bed in the afternoon and fell asleep straightaway.
I think I just need to reflect and focus on my progress this last year as that has to be the evidence that my self-treatment is not only necessary but effective.
Thank you for your hugs and they do make a difference!
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seeing neurologist, advice on b12 injections welcomed…
Serum ferritin too high?
About German online Pharmacies. — If they follow pharmaceutical rules rules,they are not allowed to supply U.K. with B12 ampoules! 
