A revealing Nightmare

[Wwwdot]

Hi Guys

I woke up out of sorts this morning having had a revealing nightmare last night.

In my dream, I was supposed to be attending a meeting but couldn’t find my jabs to take before the meeting. I was feeling stressed and worried I might get brain fog and mess up.

In my dream, I looked in a mirror and the whites of my eyes were bright fluorescent yellow! It looked so scary.

In my dream I went outside and for some reason I got on a bus and it dropped me off in an empty street in a place I didn’t know. I was all alone and starting to get really scared.

In my dream, I started to feel really hot and thankfully at that point I woke up - the sun was shining and the bedroom was warming up - phew - first thing I did was check my eyes!!!

In real life my eyes are normal but I feel so out of sorts today. The dream summed up the inner turmoil of self-treating, “Is it too much?” “Is it enough?” “Am I functioning normally?” “Can people notice when I am struggling?” “Who is there to help?”

In real life - only you guys are my help - I hope my dream makes you laugh and hopefully your sharp wit and irony which I value will buoy me up and encourage me to carry on rowing my own boat.

🤗🤗🤗

[Narwhal10]

Oh dear Wwwdot,

A dream like that can be discombobulating. Fortunately, you do not have yellow eyes. Phew, you did not change into a werewolf. I really hope the bus driver in your dream did not charge you any fare.

On a serious note, in REM, our subconscious mind is processing, solving, resolving masses of information which includes our emotions. I can reassure you that you are doing the best for you on your PA/B12D journey. The person who has the best judgement and perception is you. Whether others in person are attuned to your needs; it would be nice to believe so.

Wwwdot, how much is a little ride on your boat ? Keep rowing and who would you like to be the Owl or the Pussycat ? I will provide the honey and plenty of money. We shall dance by the light of the silvery moon.

🚣🏼‍♀️ 😘😘

[Wwwdot in reply to Narwhal10]

Thank you Narwhal

Yes, it is discombobulating and I know this feeling will stay with me for some time.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and calm - I love the Owl and the Pussycat - yes that’s defo my boat!

🤗🤗🤗

[Mixteca in reply to Wwwdot]

You're gonna need a bigger 🛥️

[Wwwdot in reply to Mixteca]

Yes! A luxury yacht for us all! ♥️

🤗🤗

[Rexz in reply to Wwwdot]

Can I come along? Please. 🤗

[Rexz in reply to Rexz]

Seriously though, I think, I hope, these dreams are OK. The hope is because I now have very very vivid dreams that are in living color. So real that when I wake I am momentarily startled as I try to discern whether this place I've woken up in is a dream or the dream is a dream. I presume it has something to do with "something" haha I know that makes no sense but I've not ever dreamed like this before my illness. It's taken some time to get used to. Most I cannot figure the meaning but one stands out... I was on this rickety bus full of refugees, yes I must have been one of them, and I could see behind us was just a desolate battlefield the landscape was dark and burning. I too was very alone and the bus just kept going and going making occasional stops and people would get off. I don't think anyone ever got on. Curious thing is on this bus you needed to show the conductor? Curious as Conductors are on trains not buses? But you had to show the conductor your ticket to get off as apposed to get on? After a very long time and the bus was nearly empty the conductor came to me and said, we're almost at the end of the line and asked where I was going. I said, I don't know. He then said well it's on your ticket let's see it. I had no ticket... then I awoke very started feeling very alone. I now know or think, this dream was my mind processing and reconciling many things. One being the seeming destruction of, i'll call it my previous life (the battlefield), and me leaving that behind. Then trying to find a new life with a purpose that's fit my "now" capabilities. In the new life, like on the bus, I've no clue where I'm going. Like you Wwwdot it is lonely, sometimes scary. Everyone, including family, looks at us and sees "normal" us. They do not see the turmoil, both physically and mentally, that is roiling within us. There is not one doctor that is looking out for us. Yeah they may give us a few minutes here and there but we are quickly forgotten once we leave their office. Our minds, when we sleep and leave all the daily clutter behind, are working hard to reconcile all of this. I think that may be a good thing.

This journey of ours is frustrating, discombobulating, scary, lonely, and mentally exhausting.

Your dream is cool and I'd love to be on your amazing boat!

Oh geez I think I've written a book! Hope you don't mind.

As we say, sweet dreams! Rexz

[Wwwdot in reply to Rexz]

Hi Rexz

Of course you are welcome to join the yacht!

You make a good observation - colour! I don’t know if the rest of the dream was in colour or just my eyes but I too have very vivid real dreams at times but my husband calls them nightmares as they are always of a horrific or scary nature. Often extremely emotionally draining and challenging.

I think my dreams reflect that during the day I put on a brave face and continue to support my family yet inside I do sometimes wish I could run away and hibernate!

In a way it’s good it’s this way round as it must also be terrible and upsetting if your dreams were better than your daily life which I am sure sadly is the case for many.

Your dream is not dissimilar to mine in that it’s a journey, your unprepared, destination unknown, not of our choice, alone, and scary.

Actually perhaps a sign that at least our subconsciouses are still in good working order!

We need to name our yacht!

🤗🤗🤗

[Rexz in reply to Wwwdot]

What an interesting observation on the similar "journey" I certainly see that. How about Lollipop! 😂🤣

Oh did I really suggest that?! 😜

[Wwwdot in reply to Rexz]

Yes you did! And Nooo! Not lollipop!

Champagne bottle still intact 🍾

🤗🤗🤗

[Rexz in reply to Wwwdot]

🤣😂😆 at least one of us has retained some dribble of sanity. Yes, save the Champaign!

[Wwwdot in reply to Rexz]

Rexz

The yacht is called Empowerment courtesy of yorkshiregirl44 - see below!

🤗🤗🤗

[Rexz in reply to Wwwdot]

Perfect, Empowerment, what a magnificent idea! I think that is fitting.

Now what do we do with Lollipop, Hmmmmm, we can inscribe it onto your golden pedestal! 😂 Just teaz'n ya!

[Rexz in reply to Wwwdot]

Wwwdot, Maybe it's our subconscious that's running away from it all to get away from scatter we experience during the day. Like it's the unruly child sneaking out at night while we're asleep. 🤯😳🤔

Who left the door open! 🤣

[Noelnoel in reply to Wwwdot]

Dreams like that can be disturbing and very unsettling. The important thing to remember is, it was just a dream and hopefully today you’re feeling less scared

However, these dreams can be valuable tools because sometimes they reflect our deepest emotions that we’re fearful to confront or acknowledge. Bringing them to the surface, though difficult, has served a purpose. You are now questioning your thoughts and actions; this is healthy and will raise conflict that only you can resolve - of course with the help of those on this forum who can relate to the loneliness and anxiety you’re feeling.

After a period of reflection, not necessarily today, you will perhaps emerge slightly changed with thoughts on how to do things differently (or not). Your turbulent thoughts will subside and you’ll have a clearer idea on how to proceed, which may be the same as before or it may not. Whatever your conclusions or decisions, you have experienced an important re-evaluation of your circumstances. Frightening as it it is, this is healthy and so very useful

Good luck

[Kowbie in reply to Narwhal10]

Narwhal10 Oh how lovely that was it made me smile ,so I hope it made wwwdot smile as well , I’ve probably put the name down wrong

[Wwwdot in reply to Kowbie]

Hi Kowbie

Yes Narwhal did make me smile! She has a beautiful grace and elegance to some of her responses and a steel kickass grit with others! A valuable asset to us all!

🤗🤗🤗

[Kowbie in reply to Wwwdot]

Hello , i hope you’re feeling better now , don’t eat cheese in the evening, haha x

[Wwwdot in reply to Kowbie]

Hi Kowbie

Yes, I am feeling better today and on reflection, I think the root of the dream is self-doubt. I have never been into biology preferring physics and engineering so I, like many others, have been dragged into the biology and medical arena. I am not good with blood and needles and my family know what I wuss I am and if they injure themselves, they have to see to me first then themselves!!

It’s been really useful sharing the dream with you guys - insightful and inspiring as always.

🤗🤗🤗

[Kowbie in reply to Wwwdot]

I didn’t think I was Squimish don’t know if that’s how you spell it but have fainted 3 times in the hospital once when my husband had a wittlow another time when my mum was in hospital then my dad when visiting mum my sisters said you waited until all the drs were coming round and threw yourself on the floor, haha I ended up in the next bay on the bed and a man came and asked me if I wanted a telly , I said I’m not stopping just ended up here , hope that gives you a bit of a laugh

[Wwwdot in reply to Kowbie]

Hi Kowbie

That’s hilarious and yes certainly made me smile - sit com worthy! 🤣🤣

🤗🤗🤗

[Narwhal10 in reply to Wwwdot]

Thank you { blush and bow }.

Erm, awkwardly, all I can come up with is Tiddly Pom which Pooh Bear says. He lives in Hundred Acre Wood.

I grew up and spent many hours playing and exploring my wood, being covered in mud without a care in the world.

😘🐻

[Narwhal10 in reply to Kowbie]

Pleasing to read Kowbie.

Your intention was good, it came from an empathetic place. Sometimes, we accidentally misspell or mistype. Oh whoopsie - done a mistake.

😘

[Wheat]

hello dot, thank goodness you do not have yellow eyes in real life. 🫣

Unsettling though, and to dream you are unprepared, lost and isolated. When you are treating yourself as well as you possibly can.

It can seem like a very isolated lonely path. But you are never alone here.

In afraid my Wit is not in evidence atm but my sense of humour is about. I can only offer hugs and understanding, 🥰 xx

[Wwwdot in reply to Wheat]

Hi Wheat

Yes, it’s a feeling only you guys can understand and relate to. Your hugs are so welcome and appreciated especially today.

So many people seem to dismiss the implications and harsh reality of self-treating B12D. Unless you have experienced it is easy to view self-treatment as an unnecessary self-indulgence - I must confess that would have crossed my mind had I not known what I know now.

It is odd how you can feel so lonely when surrounded by family and friends. This forum is so important.

🤗🤗🤗

[Wheat]

Yes dot, I do so agree with you. Its so difficult to understand an illness unless you have/had it.

I do not believe any of us enjoy S I., it's a necessity as we cannot obtain proper treatment. i.e. put the blame where it belongs.

This forum is invaluable!

🌷🙂

[WIZARD6787]

I frame my nightmares as Frenemies. It is not that the nightmare causes me to be discombobulated rather the nightmare is the result of my discombobulation. Not in conflict with what you expressed in general just a different way of framing.

I also work on the principle that my dreams do what they should as long as I do not think about them. OR A dream is just a dream.

The nightmare sometimes gives me direction as to what I might want to attend to which is not the same as a solve.

That is my current way.

[Wwwdot in reply to WIZARD6787]

Hi Wiz

Yes, most defo a different and useful perspective and I think nightmares are the now and “frenemies “ the reflection. Thank you .

It is definitely a conflict on a day to day basis as first I want to run before I can walk, secondly I wish I could turn back time, thirdly I am scared of making irreparable mistakes, and fourthly it’s like going back to school to relearn what you now know is not as you were told ie how to eat healthily and keep fit. It’s as if the world has been turned upside down. The truth is uncomfortable

Your current way makes a lot of sense.

🤗🤗🤗

[WIZARD6787 in reply to Wwwdot]

When I was 20 I had the bright idea of writing down my dreams during the night.

Better to pretend you are sane than prove you are not. 🙂

You are still way ahead of the curve on treatment and healing. This has a high degree of difficulty. Much bad information and not very much helpful if you want to heal. No way to keep score.

I experience everything differently now. It is better for now but not wonderful. I have angst whenever I do something that I have done before. Less physical anxiety but it is disconcerting.

I love to swim and will be able to in weeks. It will not be the same and that causes angst. Pretty much I love my children and they love me is the only constant.

I do not frame it as schooling or learning rather a different way of experiencing. If it was a simple as school I would have solved it when I was 10. It is not.

Although it is just perspective I believe that because B12 is not very soluble in water seeing 1 ml of red fluid going into my body is not an easy thing to accept. Fact is two sugar packets is a three years supply of B12 even at the amounts I inject as far a volume is concerned. That does not mean it cannot do harm but the perspective affects me.

If I take one Advil at 200 mg that would mean if I injected it at the same ratio I would need 0.2 liters per dose. On the other hand if it was fentanyl the amount I inject would be fatal each time I inject.

[Wwwdot in reply to WIZARD6787]

Hi Wiz

You are right at the potential source of anxiety. It’s not how we are educated or taught is it? “You are what you eat” is no longer true for us.

🤗🤗🤗

[WIZARD6787 in reply to Wwwdot]

I find what I am taught to be a great place to start and a horrible place to stop. That someone else could explain me to me is bizarre to me. Those that do tend to have two things in common. They are arrogant and wrong.

Sharing and express is awesome!!!!!!!!! Incorrect instruction not so much unless the person has the answer and not just an answer.

[Orchard33]

I recognise the underlying anxiety of feeling alone with a serious illness. And how very important this forum is for me and many others in mitigating that anxiety.

[Wwwdot in reply to Orchard33]

Hi Orchard

The “underlying anxiety” - you have hit the proverbial nail on the head - yes!

And this forum is the is so vitally important to ease our underlying anxiety.

We are lucky to have each others support.

🤗🤗🤗

[Wwwdot]

Hi Orchard

Yes, it is a serious illness that has warranted less than 5 minutes of my GPs interest and attention. Apart from authorising blood tests when I request - nothing! Absolutely nothing! Now if THAT is not anxiety causing , I don’t know what it!!!

This forum deserves to be on a gold podium, with gold medals and crowns as everyone is a hero, not only in coping with this insidious disease but having the fortitude to push on alone day by day. Yes it is a relentless journey and I couldn’t do it without you guys!

🤗🤗🤗

[yorkshiregirl4 in reply to Wwwdot]

Hello Wwwdot, It makes us all feel very isolated when we cannot manage to summon up some interest from our GP's. Couple that with the added feeling of isolation in terms of our decisions in relation to treatment plans that are often a "best guess" on occasions.

I was left with no GP assistance years ago when I had been diagnosed with ME/CFS and I am afraid I developed a lower expectation of doctors in general and an anger at feeling that I was not being believed. I am afraid that these feelings have not changed significantly over the years and apply equally to PA/B12D as well.

The quality of the support available here is quite frankly astoundingly good. There are always people here willing to listen and help whenever they can and they genuinely care. I think most of us have to get used to seeking advice and support in a different way and to not blame ourselves for being unable to achieve input or concern from a GP who may not care one way or the other. We are all in a different place on this journey of recovery and that is the biggest help for us all to share. Taking responsibility for our own health can feel quite empowering, if a little scary. Best wishes.

[Wwwdot in reply to yorkshiregirl4]

Hi Yorkshiregirl

Thank you and sadly you are right that so many invisible diseases fall outside the care remit of our GPs and the NHS. I am sorry to hear of your disappointment too and subsequent low expectations of care.

I think I need to make a mental effort to reprogram my feelings and to not let “the lack of care” affect my self-worth. Lack of care can so easily manifest into feelings of low importance and self worth once the initial outrage and shock subsides.

I love your word “empowering” and I think that is going to be my flip side and takeaway from my nightmare - to find ways to translate the scariness and isolation of self-treatment into confidence (while avoiding complacency) and empowerment.

The yacht is called Empowerment!!

🤗🤗🤗

[EllaNore in reply to Wwwdot]

" it is a serious illness that has warranted less than 5 minutes of my GPs interest and attention. Apart from authorising blood tests when I request - nothing! Absolutely nothing!"

Gosh WWwdot, I can so relate to this comment! I am so sorry. I wish I could reach through this monitor and give you a real hug. 🫂🌷🦋🌷🫂

[Wwwdot in reply to EllaNore]

EllaNore, reaching through the airwaves to send hugs to you too.

It is sad that we have had these experiences and it’s important that we don’t “take it personally”. I mean it’s down to a lack of resources and education - not because the disease is insignificant or that we are unimportant. It’s just our health issue landed jam side down!

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[EllaNore in reply to Wwwdot]

Hahaha our sandwich sure did land jam side down. Hang in there wwwDot.🌸 🫶🌸

[yorkshiregirl4]

Great!! Can I sail too?

[Wwwdot in reply to yorkshiregirl4]

Yorkshiregirl

Absolutely! And seeing as you inspired the name you can do the honours and name the ship!

🤗🤗🤗

[EllaNore]

Ahhhh Wwwdot, I am so sorry. Sending you a big hug and tons of empathy. That is a very telling dream. It makes 100% sense to me. It sounds like one of those that seems so real yet not and one that no matter what you do, you can't seem to wake up from. It makes you wake up feeling out of sorts, discombobulated. Perhaps you were not feeling well while sleeping, hence the nightmare. Waking up out of sorts, sets the entire day sometimes. 😏 It has been warm enough to be outside lately here, so that is what I do when I am feeling that way. In fact I have been feeling that way for a few weeks per my latest post, so I have been resting and trying to do things that take my mind off things. It is not easy, I know. But I kinda feel like rest is really what I need. Perhaps that is what you need too. Especially with such an unrest sleep. Sending hugs and restful wishes 🌷

[Wwwdot in reply to EllaNore]

Hi EllaNore

You are quite right I have rested today and went back to bed in the afternoon and fell asleep straightaway.

I think I just need to reflect and focus on my progress this last year as that has to be the evidence that my self-treatment is not only necessary but effective.

Thank you for your hugs and they do make a difference!

🤗🤗🤗

[EllaNore in reply to Wwwdot]

Glad you took a nap. Yes, we have to remember how bad we were and the progress we've made. Easy to forget. 🌸🫶🌸

[Myoldcat]

Perhaps we can believe our buses and yachts are journeying to a place of better health and understanding... Empowerment ahoy! 🚌⛵⚓🙏

[Wwwdot in reply to Myoldcat]

Hi Myoldcat

Absolutely we must - we have no other choice if truth be known

We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

We must be guided by our symptoms and our collective experiences not the ignorance of medics.

🤗🤗🤗

[Myoldcat in reply to Wwwdot]

Absolutely right Wwwdot. And thank goodness for the collective wisdom of this wonderful group 🙏