Living a nightmare

Everyday I wish I died in hospital due to my taking of tablets..... I have so many issues that won't resolve with time and id rather not cope anymore like this. So many symptoms and I'm so tired physically everyone says I'll get better over time but I know otherwise... I'm extremely tired of living with my mistake and wish I died everyday. I wake up the same and I'm so so so so so tired.... with everything persisting........ kidney bowel dryness weight loss tiredness just can't bare to cope years on like this....

60 Replies

  • Hi I am so sorry life is so difficult for you. You sound like you are suffering from depression as well which is very common with chronic illness.

    There are a good couple of sites on here for depression so why not have a look. Everyone there lives with and understands depression and some have more complex health issues like you. I think it would help you to talk to others.

  • Life has gotten so much worse I'm going to speak to someone but every day is a day of regret and id like to talk to other survivors... But I'm not sure if there's s group for this or not.

  • My husband took several overdoses after his accident. He had to give up the job he loved in the Royal Navy. Wife walked out and divorced him. He was in agony and all meaning to life had gone. There was nothing left.

    When you say you want to talk to someone do you mean someone who wants to live and put the past where it firmly belongs? Past. Do you want to listen how others wet through hell and moved on to something better? Or do you want a group of like minded who will never get over suicide attempt?

    Always happy to listen and chat but don't fit into any particular group. Just have problems like ay one of us here and manage to deal with those problems as and when



  • I'd like a group where they have did the same as me and have progressed in life as I simply cannot cope with my mistake daily it hurts to be alive now since doing it and there's nothing I can do to go back on it... x

  • OK. So why go back? Leave it where it is. Past. Done.

    People with Chronic Pain talk about the life they once had andHow they did so and so but can't any more. My husband was the same.

    We try and say OK now you have a different life. No point in dwelling on something which can't come back.

    If you found a group like you want...would those people do what you do? Or would you be able to do the same as then? No/ You are all unique


  • I'm sorry it's just really hard regarding this hence why I keep posting. Just knowing what it's like and coping I guess that's all I need.

  • Hey there, if you ever want to talk to me im about to try my best to help. I've survived a hell of a lot. Drugs, drink and attempted suicide. one very severe attempt. Just ask away as personal as you like. It helps me at the same time. Please stay safe and in touch x

  • as difficult as your situation is with your health problems,I cannot stress enough that the damage your body has been through will recover to some extent,and given time maybe to a near normal function,as for the reasons why you took the paracetamol only you know,so firstly please let me try to explain in a very truthful way what happens to people who lose loved ones through life getting on top of them and feel there's no way out,or what's the point,I ended up being an alcoholic as I had to try and resuscitate a friend who hung himself,and there's not day goes by me asking why he took his own life,he was a family man a wife and two children,the way my life has been is traumatic to say the least,the survivors left behind are troubled souls,so its imperative if your ever feeling low,depressed or having suicidal thoughts to seek ANY professional help,and that includes the police,non of us can predict the future,and whilst your past is still relevant to you and causing your health problems,which with careful monitoring will improve with keeping a strict regime to taking your medication will start a road to recovery,sometimes in life you think your doing a 100 metres sprint,especially at your age,I was once twenty but I'm over fifty now and 5+ years sober,but in reality life becomes a marathon,so don't rush and just take your time with things in general,nobody is perfect,and we all make mistakes,at the moment let your body do what it wants,if you crave for anything food or drink wise (not alcohol) make sure you have it in your house ready,and if your doing unsociable hours with your sleep patterns,don't worry about it,if you've got an over active brain,find something that that can occupy it,listening to music,watching tv or playing on your Xbox if you've got one,I really hope your health starts to improve in the coming weeks and of course I'll be keeping an eye out on any posts,so you've got a good fan club on here,and they'll be loads of folk giving you support,best wishes

  • Thank you it helps so much I just worry that my system will not go bsck to normal it's my only worry as I'm struggling to function st the minute

  • Ah bless you.

    I have to agree with Lilaclil.

    Who knows her bacon as it were and always gives good advice.

    But can I just add that ,yes I hear you are suffering , like so many in the world today,

    But hey , have good look at your life and the conditions your haveibg to deal with and have a look at others who's conditions are so much much worse than yours ?

    Now that's not me trying to play down your condition at all ,quite the opposite in fact.

    But this is what I do myself and it seems to help and make me realise ,although unlucky and in pain and often depressed myself with my conditions ,it could be so much worse ?

    And ya know what I don't like reading about someone like yourself wishing your life away becouse,honestly life is really really so precious it really is !!!!

    And I pray for you that your many conditions get a little better or you can work with your gp to find ways to ease your suffering at least to a bearable point.

    Press your gp for help and let them know how your feeling I'm sure they can help you if you reach out !!!!

    Life in pretty much any state , is such a gift and worth fighting for it really really is.

    I hope things improve for you, stay strong and try to be a bouncing ball.

    Best wishes to you.

  • I'm sorry it's just so difficult being awake knowing this is my life now and now nothing can change it. Gp haven't been much help since...

  • Thank you Callumlee, it is very kind of you to say that. I stay away from posts where I have no knowledge of the issues. And there are quite a lot of those!

  • I understand and sorry so not necessary bless you.

    I don't know what you condition is ? I mean is it something terminal ?

    If yes then maybe nothing can be done but I do hope that's not your fate.

    And as for your go ?

    You got to be proactive and keep the GOP under pressure it's a fight but don't give in drive the doctor mad lol they do have a duty of care to you weather they like it or not !!!

    Push push push a push some more until you know for sure nothing can be done and the pushing bit ? Well that's your duty of care to yourself ?

  • It's not terminal. Just over what I did to myself I cannot cope since getting out of hospital I just feel like I can't cope and wish I could reverse but I can't.... and dunno how to cope for years like this is my issue.

  • Your issues are depression and you need to focus on getting help with that first I think ?

    Push yr go for help and you will get it.

  • I've been trying so far but not much help as walking hurts much.

  • Hi again

    Have you been told to expect a full recovery?

    I looked it up and info on Wikipedia says this. Don't know how long it takes though, could you ask the doctor?

    Did you get that bleed sorted out?

    Any internal bleeding /blood loss can make you even more tired and feeling weak and needs urgent visit to any GP or at least a phone call.


  • Full recovery regarding my whole body or liver? And no I've been told it's piles but I think it's because my mucus system is so dry it hurts for it. X

  • I looked up P overdose. So full recovery from that. Don't know if you've looked it up or what docs have told you.

    I didn't know piles bled like that. I thought they bled fresh blood not a clump or clot. Good that you got to the GP though. Can't they get you any more support? Any follow up appointments?

  • Well my mum and sister think it's piles but I don't think a clump of blood is normal if I'm honest. Just been told my liver is going bsck yo good but nothing else really. I might go bsck and ask about it all I'm just really unsure. As I'm just really tired and feel horrible 24/7 trying to cope now and I'm struggling.... as I dunno how yo go on for years like thus hence why I feel is rather die than go on like thus apologises morbid but true x

  • Oh Epic !!!

    You said you would see a GP about the clump.

    PLUS - the pain went two weeks ago but now the pain is back.

    No one said this is going to go on for years did they?

    It hasn't even been a month has it ?

    However, it seems like you are going to be seeing GP a lot (that is ANY GP where you are or at home - phone consultation ) over the coming weeks or months.

    How about taking things one step at a time? The new bleed and new or returned pain - URGENT. Even if you just talk to a doctor about these two and also the INCREASED tiredness for now. Then again in the coming days about your feelings.


  • I can't down here because my sister thinks it's just normal as she was struck with piles at 20 but doesn't connect it to pstsceyamol just says I'm unlucky now that I got it. I will be seeing the gp as the pain has come back but varies... no, no one has said it'll go on for years just it feels like this is what it's going to be like for years i haven't asked any gps on this

  • I'm certainly hoping this isn't for years as I certainly will not be coping very well for long. I don't know how much can or will resolve for Me

  • Your Sister and Mum must have had a terrible fright when this happened to you.

    You have all been through a tough time.

    Really tough.

    It's so good that you have their support.

    What you also need though, as well as leaving what happened in the past, is to deal with these new health problems as they arise - don't you think?

    I can tell you that Internal bleeding coming from back passage cannot be ignored.

    It could be a reason you are extra tired now. The new pain could be connected.

    Please contact a GP asap. If you contact yours by phone then you may have to receive a phone call later in the day. Would you be able to take it and talk freely in private?

    Remember the 3 significant points:

    Bleed as you described on previous post.

    EXTRA tiredness

    New pain (after pain free 12 or so days).


  • I'll write it down and go back just everytime I go there and back it's quite exhausting to say the least.... X just feels like a continuous up hill battle that i cant beat

  • Good idea.

    I have to write down what I want to say to GP also.

    I understand how exhausting it is , having to keep going back to GPs when you are ill. I was like that some years ago. Too ill to go as it was too exhausting for me so having to push myself.

    It is an uphill battle. That's why you need to rest and eat whatever you can, whenever you can between resting to help you cope with the struggle.

    It won't be like this forever.

    Hopefully you will find out what has caused this bleed and doctor will help get it sorted. This will help you feel a bit better.

    It could be from your stomach or duodenum. Especially if you have stopped the Omezprazole. You may have to go back on a PPI. I prefer Lansoprazole but Omezprazole is another you can have. You may have been given this to protect your stomach.


    I just finished post earlier (straight away) then battery went flat !! Lost post. Sorry.

    Let's know how you get on at the doctor's.


  • Hm I'm not sure if stopping it caused this maybe I'm not too sure I think I'll have to ask x

  • I haven't had any acid come bsck up but do have heart burn so I'm not sure...???

  • Mention heartburn to doctor. This could be the effect of you stopping your Omezprazole. Does doctor know you stopped it?

    ALSO -

    Stress itself could lead to a bleed. When we are under stress a hormone is produced which causes more stomach acid. The stomach acid can damage the stomach lining or the duodenum and cause bleeding . The blood is then passed through the back passage.

    You really need to see a doctor.

  • Please ask as one of the reasons it is prescribed is to protect the stomach & duodenum from ulcer and / or bleeding.

    It depends what other medications you are on. I can't comment for sure as I don't know.

    Sometimes they are prescribed for acid Reflux symptoms in people with Hiatus Hernia but sometimes they are prescribed to counteract side effects of other tablets that might cause bleed.


  • Only thing I was on was the antiacid nothing mire so I woukdntvthink it would make me bleed out my back end it's strange. Oh well another day tommorow....

  • X

  • and just another snippets of information,now I dunno if this is going be useful,but maybe cod-liver oil capsules might start to lubricate your inner's or cod-liver oil syrup will help with your bowels,as with most things with the human body start at the top and work your way down,the opposite to building a house,so you won't go far wrong with all these people giving you advice,and yep piles are painful,but a decent cream normally does the trick 😌

  • Cod liver oil should be used with caution in any patients who have suffered liver damage due to the high vitamin A level. If passing bowel motions are difficult then a prescribed laxative is more appropriate. However, I'd make sure it is prescribed especially if there has been any bleeding from the back passage. Your GP really needs to know about that.

    Good luck

  • Hi epicjinx I feel the same as u I suffer with crps their is no cure for it I'm in pain 24/7 the pain got so bad that I had my left arm amputated also my left foot above my ankle so now I am in a wheelchair four the rest of my life, but with my amputations I'm still in pain 24/7 then one night the pain was so bad I tried to take my own life I spent weeks in a coma and when I came round the doctor told me that I was lucky if it was not for my son that came round to check on me I would be in a box. I am now back home I'm slowly coming to terms with what I did but I'm still in pain 24/7. If u are still feeling the same please go to your gp and tell them how u are feeling and get the gp to refer u to 1 a pain specialist and 2 to see some one that u can talk to. My son is only 17 he now has nightmares because of what I did

    Best wishes to you

  • Wow going into a coma I couldn't imagine that although I'm very surprised I didn't considering what I did... I'm sorry to hear you are in a wheelchair.. I am just able to walk without passing out much x

  • Yes it's taking me time to get used to the wheelchair some times I just like to hop around my home it's hard to get the balance with only one arm & foot but I have ago, have u not thought about getting a wheelchair by the sound of it u should be able to get one.

  • My issues isn't what's the same as your cause, it's due to paracetamol overdose just really hard going about because the he'll it's put on my lungs and other organs is only issue... quite hard to get by

  • Morning epic jinx. You really do need to see your GP about these feelings and get help to deal with them. It isn't quite clear from this and your previous post whether your main problem is the original one that led you to the suicide attempt or the feelings you have now about the side effects of the paracetamol.

    This is not something you can deal with alone. The physical symptoms will pass with time but it doesn't seem as if you have addressed the underlying unhappiness.

    What kind of therapy have you been offered ?


  • Therapy for psychological I'm not sure yet. As I go tommorow but headed up today. I'm thinking these issues have connected to paracetamol as before I was completely okay and fine until all these issues now.

  • Where are you headed up today to? Will you be seeing doctor with your list of symptoms especially internal bleed?

    Hope they get you sorted and feeling a bit more comfortable and better.

    Thinking of you.

    X 🐥

  • Back to Scotland then getting another train for an hour then sleeping as I dunno if I've got energy to go to gp today

  • Sorry I meant who are you seeing tomorrow. I assume a doctor or therapist. Will you have someone up there to help you.


  • Therapist and I'll need to ask maybe my gran if she can I'm not sure thought x doctors don't concern much to phone me to follow up more I have to phone them ECT.. .

  • Hope you've had a pleasant journey so far. Though it can be stressful changing trains I know. Not done a train journey for years.

    You'll be very tired as you say, when you get home. I'm tired as been doing too much. Let's hope we get a good night's sleep. Better equipped to cope with tomorrow then.


  • I know I told you about the drug interaction that almost killed me, but I'm not sure if I said it caused acute liver and kidney failure and also affected my gall bladder and pancreas. I know what you're going through physically.

    Once I was released from the hospital, I spent the next six weeks in bed, sleeping most of the time. I fell every time I tried to walk, I was so weak, and I could barely eat, which naturally caused some constipation. I did eventually improve. I had blood testing twice a week until recently, and now most of my functions are "normal" in terms of my numbers.

    I still get very tired, but each day gets better. My doctors (many of them: nephrologist, liver guy, neurologist, rheumatologist, diabetes nurse and gp, all told me that it would take from 3 to 6 months to feel like my old self...which wasn't that great to begin with...and the rest of the time I would feel awful. They were right. I was on many meds to get me over this condition, but I am off those now and just take 8 pills a day, including an anti-depressant, which helps with my mood as well as pain.

    All I can tell you is to try to forgive yourself and remember that you can't change the past. All you can do is accept the present. You are not the same person any more, and you won't be, because we all change from day to day. I find that when I do something concrete about my situation, medical or otherwise, I feel somewhat better, because by taking an action, I have a bit more control over the situation. I can't remove my health problems, but I can lessen some of them a little bit.

    Please feel better; you're a brave young woman, and I know you're trying to get back on your feet. It's easy to be impatient, but remember that no one can change the past, including you. Write again if you want to.


  • I haven't been told if I can be back to normal which I highly doubt I can or will be due to effects of paracetamol... everyone says different but I don't think so... I haven't asked if I can ever return to normal I think I know that answer. I don't know about any medicstion helping the mess I made.... I'm so tired of living with this. I'm not brave, I'm weak and just about had enough of the daily symptoms and guilt.

  • Love how no one believes high amount of paracetamol causing these symptoms since everyone thinks if my liver is ok I'm ok.... which aint true.

  • By that I mean my family no one believes that paracetamol caused constipation or complete dryness act and most of it is psychological not physical I'm so fed up haven't had one good day yet or ever since....

  • I believe you - the side-effects of paracetamol are wide ranging like many drugs - the can cause upset tummy, ulcers, flora gut unbalance, neurological pain. There is loads of medical research indicating the injury prescribed and over the counter drugs can do. All you can do is be kind to your gut and give it things to re-balance it while your insides repair. Do try Green tea, honey, garlic, coconut oil, Coconut water, 8 glasses of fresh water when it's hot a little less when it's not, live natural yogurt (bio-live containing pro-biotics to get your health bacterial levels up). You need to ensure a balanced health diet of low fat meat, lots of green veg (especially broccoli) , onions, cauliflower, carrots, lots of colorful veg and fresh berries, eggs, beans, lentils, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, avocados and fresh fruit. Do a search for 'how to heal your gut' and 'healthy balance diet' - list all the fresh foods known to help - go on a healthy eating campaign and don't eat any crap (chips, microwave or instant foods, crisps and sweets). Don't skip meals and make good food central to you life - see your granny about making broth - grannies know whats good.

  • I've been eating healthy but sometimes unhealthy too but so much less than before this! I do try and drink lots if water but seems it just flushes through and I do drink fruit tea sometimes. But thank you for the advice

  • yes too much water can wash the goodness out to quick - it's all about balance - well done - it's not easy.

  • I only manage a few cups a day or less

  • your body can take water from food and fruit tea - home made soups are good.

  • I have soup maybe once or so not much thinking I shall sleep exhausted - talk tommorow!

  • I have just as bad as you if not worse. I have depression also and at times it keeps me from doing the things I need to do. Let me give you a run-through of my daily life. I wake up early cuz of the lack of sleep from the pain. My legs don't function correctly I suffer from severe spasticity. The only limbs that do function correctly on my hands. My arms are getting weak as well. My hands tremble and shake hard to eat at times hard to hold a cup. I know you might have it worse than most on this website. If you can only see a video of what I go through in the first couple hours of the day I think it would make you feel much better. I started smoking medical marijuana cuz of the depression I think it makes it worse. I don't believe in pills to cover up my symptoms but I understand about not wanting to live. Like I said before I'm here to talk to you. I promise you could have it worse then you have it now. Life is a struggle at times it sucks really bad.

  • It feels like I have slot worse on me right now than anything else to be honest... That does sound painful but doesn't make me feel any better just sorry to hear what you deal with but not better sorry if I sound cruel.

  • Hi Epic, just been reading through these posts, i see its been five days since you posted, how are you feeling now? Hope everyone one else on here have had a good few days and enjoyed the lovely weather.


  • Still not any better my heartburn has gone away thankfully x other than that not feeling too great but thanks for asking hope things are going good for you x

  • I am fine at the moment, i get my results on Friday, so depending on them will depend on how i end up feeling!! I have been through simillar depression as you have, it can take such a long time to feel any feelings besides negative ones, but you will hopefully get to the stage where you will feel that you can stop beating yourself up with a big stick for something that you have done and deeply regret, its a case of one day at a time i think.

    Keep us posted on how you are.


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