Can soul pain be the worst?

Almost for two years I've found myself at the thought that I would better endure any other kind of pain but not that terrible one inside me.

I'm 37 and my husband is 40. We're both willing to have children. But we cannot du it on our own. Again pain - this time pain of blaming myself I cannot make my husband a happy father. It's so unfair!

We've already tried two cycles of IVF, but failed. That was another pain, supplemented with medicals, fertility drugs, testing, invasion etc. And all that for nothing. We're still childless !!!

Now we're offered surrogacy option as the only one available for us. Sometimes it seems like this painful road will never end...

Forgive my nagging, lovely people. But I'm so overwhelmed with all this pain that is ready to write on every single forum with understanding and supporting people. If this post is just inappropriate here, just skip it. I know everybody is suffering here. Will be praying for all you to be well and hopefully waiting for your soothing word xxx

9 Replies

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  • Hi serrine, i really feel for you both and understand that the whole process of trying and failing must be not only stressful but devastating. I amagine you must be feeling angry and asking why me. We all ask that when something happens to our health that stops us having a life like most other people out there. Sometimes we need to except it so that we can move on. I wish you both well and hope that things work out for you. X

  • Hi Serrine

    Is it now time to think about fostering leading to perhaps adoption? Or is that out of the Question. I'm thinking back to over 30 years ago when I nearly died in labour having our one and only child. After surviving this critical time, I knew I could not risk being in that situation again. So that was it. But I was so glad to be alive, even though there were many problems ahead. Being told by a relative that I was selfish for not having another child did not help.

    What am I trying to say here? Well I'm not sure myself, but may be you just have to accept things as they are whatever transpires.

    Hug

  • Hi Serrine, I have never been in your position so I cannot say I understand your pain but imagine it must be more overwheming than you can ever describe. You have been on a very painful journey and are now feeling very angry and blaming yourself. I feel for you and your husband so much and wish I could help you. We are all suffering in one way or another with pain we cannot cope with and cannot begin t describe to others. Every day is a struggle for me from the moment I open my eyes until I fall into bed at night but I limp from day to day trying to make the best of it all. I watch other people enjoying their lives and having a great time whilst I spent 3 to 4 days a week at least, in bed coping with the pain which nobody can help me with. We are all on a journey and we don't know where it will end, we just have to have the faith to believe that things will get better. I do wonder if you have so much love to give that perhaps you could foster little babies. My friend's Mother used to do this soon after they were born until they could find them permanent homes. This may not be for you but there are so many little babies and children out there in tragic circumstances who need so much love. I know this is not what you or your husband want but it would give you something to focus on and all the love you have could be given to a little person who so desperately needs it. I wish you good luck and hope you are able to find a way forward with your lives and one day be happy. I will pray for you, God Bless you x

  • I think you could foster.

    I was not able to successful carry a child because of endometriosis and I think you have to stop blaming yourself as stress is a huge factor. Your husband is not defined so easily look at the options, you are both people in your own rights,I am adopted myself.

    You are not souly defined by having a child and your self esteem seems very low .I chose to work as a nursery nurse ,pay is rubbish but you contribute a lot to the children and get to see their joy .Or the youth service .

    I am so ill now I cannot work and fall a lot etc . I try and focus in the moment mindfulness really but it makes the now simpler and doesn't focus too far ahead that can easily lead to depression from the frustration anger and powerlessness of the situation you are in. write down your pain or voice record it define it own the anger etc much cheaper than a therapist and you can get a lot of stuff out without having to involve others .

    Try see the good in your life the simple things like being able to see walk speak dress yourself etc .

    Life does go on and what we do with it is up to us with circumstances as the biggest challenge this situation is yours!

    .

  • Please, please ADOPT. We are all part of the same human race and if you can't have a baby of yout own and you want to bring up a child there are plenty of lovely babies out there who desperately need parents. You can give a baby the gift of a loving home and I'm sure you would find it very rewarding too.

  • Sometimes not being able to conceive can be down to hormones and vitamin levels not being optimal as they should be.

    Suggestion only Serrine, pop your same question up on Thyroid Uk (on here Health Unlocked,)

    I have seen similar postings to yours asking for help with fertility, members on Thyroid Uk are very clued up on their hormones and vitamins, iron levels etc.. (blood levels)

    Having baby blues, anxiety and depression can also be down to having 'low thyroid', (Hypothyroidism)

    I do know there is a connection of not being able to conceive and having low thyroid. (or undiagnosed low thyroid,)

    Many do not know they have a thyroid problem, it might be an idea to rule 'low thyroid' out.

    Like I said before Serrine a suggestion only.

    *Though do google 'thyroid and fertility problems' as it might connect.

  • I would agree with Coastwalker. Thyroid problems are a huge cause of low fertility. Been there, done that, as the saying goes.

    You could join the Thyroid UK community on Healthunlocked, do a search for fertility, miscarriage, conception, pregnancy and other relevant words and have a look through some posts on the subject :

    healthunlocked.com/thyroiduk

    I don't know if you are aware of this but you can get private blood tests done without needing the permission of a doctor.

    thyroiduk.org.uk/tuk/testin...

    If you can afford it, you should try and get as many vitamins and minerals tested as you can, and repair any deficiencies. You should also get your thyroid thoroughly tested. The most important nutrients for good thyroid function are vitamin B12, folate, vitamin D, iron, ferritin.

    thyroiduk.org.uk/tuk/treatm...

    thyroiduk.org.uk/tuk/testin...

    Be aware that being high in range for everything is NOT what you want to achieve. The Thyroid group I linked above is very good for interpreting blood tests, if you type your results in to a post (including the reference ranges). Depending on the the thing you are testing, the optimal range varies. You could get a lot of help from the thyroid UK community above, and the Pernicious Anaemia Society group :

    healthunlocked.com/pasoc

    If you are interested in getting private blood tests done, write into the Thyroid UK forum and ask for help on which ones offer the best value for money.

  • Thank you all, lovely brave ladies for your support. This is what I really need now. Appreciate your thoughts very much! I wish everyone here be happy whatever sort of pain it is. I understand the women's desire and positive outlook as for adoption. I'm almost for that option myself. But cannot follow it as my husband's final word is that he can and he wants to have his biologically related son or daughter. I cannot say this is just selfish of him, this is his right. I'm in those hard times when every option is accepted if only ended in expanded family of three. That's why this must be surrogacy I believe. For me to save atmosphere in my family and in this way give the best to the baby.

    As for the vitamins girls were writing about they won't help. This is so because my womb is malformed and it's inappropriate for keeping a living being inside(.. Plus to this fact I suffer from a heart disease causing very high blood pressure. That's why just using vitamins is of almost no use to the whole process. But I again thank you much for your helping hands, my dear.

    Wish all the best for us whatever methods and options we use. Just have my fingers crossed for all of you. Hugs Xx

  • It's a shame your husband is son unwilling to adopt. I can understand some men's desire to reproduce themselves. I think most women are capable of loving a baby unconditionally. They tend to be less egotistical than men in my opinion.

    Perhaps if you had counseling he could be persuaded to change his mind if surrogacy doesn't work out.

    good luck

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