I am on the edge of the pit. I know this and recognise the signs. It happens every Christmas. A combination of tiredness, pain and grief that I can't seem to keep at bay this time of year.
I drive to work wobbling like a plate of jelly and wondering how I will get through the day without collapsing. I can taste the fear and it doesn't taste of mulled wine either.
When I arrive Paul is loitering in the car park. He is off with stress and depression. I catch him in a big hug before be can escape and being a spontaneous sort embarrass him further by thrusting one of the tiny golden goody bags that I am dolling out into his hands. It contains a small torch amongst other things. "There now you will always have a bit of light" I quip.
And just saying that reminds me that the sun is always there even if it is hiding behind a bloody big cloud. I take heart, stick a smile on, and bat the ball with large numbers of children who come to play while next door is being set up for our magic show.
I am so blessed with the crew I work with from the saintly Mrs A who is certainly going to heaven to Bee who hid under the table for a bit, until I joined her, and tempted her out with the promise of a go on the computer. God it was such a relief to have an excuse to disappear under that table for 10 minutes.
By the end of the morning I can hardly stand or talk coherently. And I have to find the wear with all to last until at least 3 o clock this afternoon. But the magician has obviously thrown a bit of magic my way. And I do not fall over or burst into tears along with several children who are also finding life a bit daunting as they join my small grandson on stage for their first ever Christmas performance.
The minute I reach home I hit the sofa with whippet while man with a tooth brush. (He has been watching obsessive cleaners again, I kid you not) makes me such a strong pot of coffee it's wonder I don't wobble right of my plate with excessive palpitations.
I can't quite believe that I am safely back in my cave again. Or that the Sun did shine after all. Even if lacking any strength and needing the help of the magician to reveal itself.
I resolve not to wash my hair until January now in case I wash some of that magic dust out.
Just throwing some your way in case you should need a sprinkle.