These past few weeks I have been slowly declining into feeling more and more depressed and vulnerable. My pain levels have flared, I have dropped 3 cups of coffee in the past 2 days, could not get into my car or work out how to put my belt on.
I have cut my work hours because I could not cope and I am struggling through each day yet everyone around me does not seem to notice. Everyone tells me how wonderfully I cope, how amazing I have been at adapting, how independent I am but I feel completely lost. I went for a Psyche assessment and he said how he wished all his assessments were so positive and I should hold a local group !!!!!!
I do not like to moan and I know maybe I should be more vocal but every body is so busy with their own lives. My daughter is in Uni though she lives at home and my son works every hour he can, my partner is going through his own crisis after retiring and I just feel adding my worries is just too much for them. I have written an action plan, I have changed my daily routine to try to spread my energy but I just feel like I am in a dark hole and all alone.
Any good advice out there that may help? has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side?
I just feel my health is in ever decreasing circle and soon I will be too ill to exist.
nutty
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welshnut
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12 Replies
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Hello BOB here
Morning Nutty.
Why do you feel that everyone else is worthy and your needs and condition means less.to them ??.
Remember we all have needs and on many occasions need that support. People do only see the shell of the person not the yoke inside. You need to sit down with your partner and talk and explain what is going on in your life.
Just because all are busy does not mean that they are not interested in you, do you think that they may feel hurt if you fail to tell them your feelings, needs and concerns.
Make a list see the GP, possibly make a double appointment and tell Him/Her you feelings and concerns. It is easy just too say that you are managing fine, it is more important that your feelings are understood and acted upon.
Sending you a warm hug. I keep falling into holes, I have a saying "slow but sure gets there". It is depressing to be in constant pain, it is frustrating to see life shrink. It takes an enormous amount of energy just to put one foot in front of another, so no wonder we keep falling into holes. Slow but sure clambering up the thread that dangles down in the form of, tiny glimpses of the things that are important to me, and vast amounts of chocolate, dangerously strong coffee and being able to flit in and out of here. Helps me position myself on the edge again.
Life Is a tenacious bugger and wears the finger nails down while we don't notice it's creativity in finding ways to keep us on trucking.
I have a clear image of tree roots pushing their way up though concrete.
If however the sun is refusing to shine any rays at all down your particular hole, take Bob's advice now this minute and ring the GP.
Nutty, we might not have the answer but you are not all alone!
When you're under so much pressure and in pain it's easy to forget how to do simple things like do up a seat belt. It doesn't mean you are stuck in a hole forever, and it sounds like you are doing all that you can. But sometimes life just grinds you down. Just because you did well in your psychology assessments it doesn't mean that you don't have problems. If you don't feel you can talk to your family then the GP is a good idea. Or even calling the Samaritans - you don't have to be suicidal, they are there to listen to anyone.
On the other hand, having a good cry with your family, well there's nothing wrong with that. There might be some things they could do to help you, and everyone chipping in at home might help with your partner's retirement. At least they will know how you feel, and you don't have to protect your grown up children from your problems forever.
I have been in that rotten place too with chronic pain, and depression at another point in my life. I am doing well at the moment, so it is possible to come through the other side. I couldn't say what it was that kept me going, other than that I am so bloody-minded and frightened of falling over the edge. I also kept pestering the health services (in a nice way, and I didn't want to) but I got the support I needed in the end.
Take things little by little at the moment and tell yourself you are going to beat this damn thing!
Thank you all for your replies, I did take Bob's advice and spent last night having a heart to heart with my partner who has been waiting for me to start the conversation as I usually snap at people who keep asking me if I am ok .........apparently.
I have an appointment with my gp on tuesday so we will see how that goes. The weekend however I am going to kick back relax, accept the offer of a take away and snug up in my chair and catch up with some missed tv.
Hope everyone has a good one and once again just thank you for being there.
nutty
Taking care of yourself sounds like its long needed. How about giving yourself a gentle hand massage every evening? the touch and rythm can be soothing even for the rest of your body.
I find talking to my family difficult, and they bombard me with questions and I get off track. Sometimes I think that even though they see me at various stages of good and bad, they still seem to think I can carry on.
Maybe your partner can help in thoughtful ways, I don't mean running around making tea or hoovering (although if that rocks his boat let him be) I mean things like helping you get ready if you have an appt to go to so that when you arrtive you are not stressed about the 20 mins it took to get your socks on. Even doing the weekly shop online together can be fun, planning meals, trying new things, searching for bargains etc.
In my darker days I taught myself a new craft skill. It was something I could pick up and put down when I felt like it, even if I could only manage a few minutes at a time. I also started to listen to classical music back then, classic fm is a good place to start, and just sat listening to the piece as a whole then focusing on an individual instrument. It has a real calming effect.
As the others say, talk about your feelings, your expectations, involve your family as much as possible. They really want to help but maybe don't know how without upsetting you. I was once given some advice - I was complaining that people were eager to help me with what they thought I needed help with rather than what I actually needed help with. I was advised to let them be and once they finished doing their task, just say that next time they come I could do with a hand with XYZ. It may be a longer way to get things done, but both the needs of help and the needs to help are fulfilled.
My girls are fully aware of what happened to me and help in their own ways, sometimes its just holding my hand so I don't feel alone. They are quite in tune with my feelings, pain levels and abilities. I have a calender in the kitchen where everyone writes down their toings and froings, and they know to arrange a lift with someone else if I'm already going out in the car and it's not possible to make one trip. When they have sleep overs they do their own cooking and tidying up. They help around the house too. I always try to make it a family event with hot chocolate, donuts and music, singing and dancing too (well those that can!)- everyone is doing something around the house rather than a caring session where they are doing something for me. They were so young when all this started I wanted them to have a good experience when helping and not feel they were missing out by not seeing their friends as much.
My partner and I do not live together at the moment, I have an adapted flat and he has his house which I stay at several times a week and he has adapted to make life easier for me. We have bought a bungalow which is being renovated with my needs in mind and we hope to move into next year.
I am not good at telling people I can not cope I am usually the person everyone else turns to in a crisis and I guess old habits die hard. I have had to admit that at the moment I can not cope and I can not take on anyone else s problems I have a cleaner that comes in twice a week and a carer who helps out when schedules get hectic so I am a lot better off than most though cutting my hours has meant I am going to really have to assess what is necessary and what is luxury from now on. I think all this has added to my panic and worry and so I am going to sit down and look at the budget a lot more closely when my brain cloud lifts a bit. My ex left when he found out my disability was going to be permanent he at least was honest enough to admit that his lifestyle could not cope with caring for someone but it leaves me worried that if I put too much on people then they may feel I am just too much as well. My present partner says I am being unreasonable as he met me and fell in love with me as the person I am now and he is right.
So I am going to make a real effort to get things on an even keel and maybe then there will be some light at the end of the tunnel and I can get on with the future no matter what it may bring.
All we need to do is live our lives with as much heart as we can, well all need all who love us to reciprocate that action. It makes a big difference when we can undertake that within the family unit
Bob you give me so much confidence I admire you greatly both for your sound advice and your attitude to life, thank you for giving up your time to be here for so many.
I took Bob's advice and had a good heart to heart feel a bit stupid that I did not do it earlier but it has helped enormously.
We also sat and wrote a list of everything that was worrying me and everything I was struggling with and putting it on paper made it seem a bit easier to cope with. I am still scared of the future but really it is going to happen so I have to be as best prepared for it as I can. I cried a lot and sometimes I think we need to let go and let it all out.
hi Vivikin here, I always find a good old cry and getting things of your chest works wonders and sometimes I think we all try to cope and don't ask for help and then resent it cause no one did help. the future can be a very scary thought but I always think that bad things come to us soon enough and worrying about them now makes the present worse as well so chin up glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, lots of love
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