Despair

Sorry all! just a bad time! I don't normally 'do' despair! And why now? Cancer in remission! Sciatica tolerable! Pain relief possible! Why , oh why , do I feel like shit and can't talk about it! I am 72! I could never have expected a sex life at my age! So the stoma should not be a problem, after all, all those 72 year old men are so dull and boring! Why am I depressed? Oh ignore me! I just need a moanto sympathic friends! Most of my probs have nothing to do with the cancer and my gynae assures me that my ex's predilections for alternative partners ( over 100 I could name) was not responsible for the cancer!

Sorry just a moan! No need to reply! You all provide so much support as it is!

Margaret

35 Replies

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  • Hi msrgaret

    I know what u mean... Sometimrs u get down and cant get ova things..life looks black..i felt so crap... The future didnt seem good... I thougjt i was going mad....but the ladies on here.... Wrote ba k to me and i realise we all feel like this sometime....life has ups and downs... But life is good..try and think abt the things u like.

    Thinkin of u

    Luv

    Shen

  • Hi Shen,

    You still up ??? :-) :-/ ;-) xx G xx

  • Hi Margaret,

    Just to say we are all here for you...not going anywhere...love x G x :-) :-) :-) a few smileys might do it !!! :-/ ;-)

  • Hi gwen...

    Yes im upto my old tricks...cant sleep again... How r u.. Ive missed our late nigjt chatd.. Shall i pm u x

  • Hi Shen,

    Yes I'm here of course you can pm me love x G x :-)

  • Hi Margaret, I dont often post on here but I always read the blogs. I just wanted to say that I was diagnosed in May 2010 with Stage 4 and had the usual, surgery and chemo, went into remission (still there) and lived my life as normal, if not better. Made new friends and found you lot on here, but think I never really came to terms with this predicament and over the last 2/3 months have been feeling the way you do (s--t). I think maybe mine is because I am now just realising I have cancer and it will take my life. I am trying to pull myself back together (with a little help from the antidepressants) and I'm slowly coming back to an even keel. I live on my own and I also think that has something to do with it, no little cuddles to comfort, no little chats, but I have my lovely family, who are there for me. I do hope you feel better soon. Sending love and hugs your way <3 <3 xx

  • sorry about the 2 posts, its the puter, honest :-)

  • Hi Sweetpea,

    This happens to me all the time but did you know you can delete the duplicate posts on the delete button on the left....it will come up with this post is deleted but after you have gone off the blog the message that says it's been deleted goes as well love x G x :-)

  • I mean on the right Doh sorry

  • yah, it worked :-) :-)

  • thanks Gwyn I will give it a go, wish me luck :-)

  • I;m so sorry you're feeling like this, but it's not surprising. Pain is very wearing and you've had lots. Who wants a stoma??? Plus the hassles you've had. I realise this is probably against the grain but maybe a short course of antidepressants would help. Just curl up and be kind to yourself for a while. You are always one of the first to be on here offering help. Now is the time to listen to your own advice. Another idea would be to talk to a cancer councellor if there is one local to you. Often during treatment you are too busy to think about it, it's afterwards the worry and fear set in.

  • Hi Margaret

    Sometimes it is hard to admit that you are struggling with life when you are normally a strong person. I'm in that place too at the moment. Perhaps just admitting it to people who can see and understand beyond the words " I'm fine" helps. Think my problem is I've always been the fixer within the family and at work, I'm not used to being the one who needs help, I'm not used to being the the one who has no energy. Feel I've lost me somewhere!

    You are strong too Margaret but I think we are allowed weak moments to self indulge ,regroup and LIVE to fight another day

    Somehow having a wee moan on here seems allowable( ? word) and helpful.

    Love and hugs

    Sue.

  • You so right Sue! It's hard to say I'm feeling bad. It takes a strong woman to say that out loud. xxx

  • Thanks Sue! You are so right!

  • Dear Margaret

    There is a need for us to reply! Lots of us to reply! I'm so really sorry that you hit rock bottom and it was late at night too. Everyone has to do it sometimes and it's a rotten place to be - especially as you're the sort of person who picks themselves up, dusts themselves down, and gets on with things.

    I think Sweetpea puts her finger on it when she says it's all so much harder living on your own because there's no-one there in the middle of the night to give you a hug, make you a cuppa and cheer you up. A Teasmade is just not the same thing!

    I know you feel very angry about your former husband. I'm not surprised given he was a gross philanderer and there's nothing that dents your confidence more than an unfaithful husband - I can confirm that from the bitter experience of my first marriage. I loved the description posted on this site of a husband who was as useful as a chocolate teapot. It made me laugh out loud. Think of him like that. There are many worse descriptions I could add but they wouldn't be suitable here. The one thing that should be comforting is that you no longer need to put up with his horrible ways.

    You've hit a raw nerve with me. I hate and loathe people who treat their partners wives or husbands with disrespect and cause them so much hurt - particularly as that sort of hurt never goes away. I wish I lived nearer 'cos I'd come round with that cuppa for you but it wouldn't be made in a chocolate teapot.

    Loads and loads of love. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. xxx Annie

  • Dear friends!

    Thank you, thank you thank you! for your support! The black dog moods do not last long! I just lack that one person to unburden too at night! No antidepressants though! I spent 20 years on them! No more! I usually cope well by myself but now and again I hit the bottom! I bounce back pretty quickly though! Thank you for all your help to do it!

    All my love and thanks!

    Margaret xxxxxxx

  • Hi Margaret,

    Shen and I was still up (see comments above) we could have had an ongoing conversation with you if you had responded.. haha.. we resorted to pm ing instead and It was gone two (I think) when I went to bed love x G x :-)

  • Hi Margaret, sometimes only a hug will do

    <<HUG>>

    Sue

    Xx

  • Thank You Sue!

    Hug back!

    HUG!

    Things look so much better this morning! The sun is shining and when I finally got to sleep I slept well!

    Treated myself to a nice cooked brunch!

    Love M

    xxxxxx

  • Hi Margaret

    Glad you're feeling better today and that the sun has gone north. I spent a very restless night for no good reason whatsoever, just churning over all sorts of things.

    Have a good day

    Love

    Anne

    PS Have every sympathy with you over your ex, as you well know- I still get murderous thoghts over mine despite being happily married for the last 18 years!

  • I should have got over him by now! I divorced him 14 years ago after 31 years of marriage but I find it hard to forgive the loss of my life and my inability to trust men as more than friends! Heigh ho! a nice day and I am eating out tonight with a gay friend who is shares my love of the theatre and my left wing politics so I should go on feeling better as the day progresses!

    love Mxxxxx

  • Dear Margaret,

    Just because you're 72 years of age doesn't mean you won't find someone you trust and like to be with. My marriage broke up and I brought the chidren up on my own for 20 years trying to come to terms with the hurt and the guilt of divorce. I'm not a negative person in any way and I KNEW I ought to be happy and get over it - but there was still the loneliness, the regret and the heartbreak. I met my 2nd husband about 10 years ago and we became good friends. We met through yacht racing and we were frequently paired up on the boat because we worked well together. More years passed - neither of us rush into things - then we had the odd drink together. This slowly developed into a relationship with a man I've come to realise is the best I have ever met. If I'm totally honest it is only falling in love again which really finally healed the little sore that continued to fester despite my best intentions.

    After the death of my mum my Dad met a lady he fell in love with. He was 85 years of age.

    xxx

  • Hi Margaret. No advice or wise words. Life just is shit sometimes. Glad you have something nice planned for today and hope that leaves you feeling better tonight.

    Lots of love

    Linda

  • Thanks Linda! I do feel better!

    Thanks to everyone for just being there and 'listening'!

    Margaret

  • Hi there Margaret ,

    So glad you are feeling brighter xxx You have helped so many newbies this year and bless you for that as it means so much to know that there is someone out there who can help through the tough times ..So we are all in this together ..so never say sorry for feeling crap ..lifes like that at times as we all know ... Do hope you had a great meal with your friend ..

    Love Jan xxx

  • Hi Margaret...

    I totally understand how you feel. Sometimes, whilst I'm just lying there in bed of a night, some of the things I think I shouldn't have done in my life just visit me to tell me so. They're not particularly bad things, but more wrong decisions I've made which have impacted on other people and when they come together all at once, it's pretty horrible and depressing isn't it. My grandmother used to say, 'Don't think of a night. You can't count your blessings in the dark.' I suppose this illness puts us all in the dark sometimes no matter what time of day, so I try to listen to her good advice. Doesn't always work though. The sex thing is hard. (Not that I'm saying that every woman with this illness has a difficulty there). I don't have a stoma but I do have psoriasis which is across my body and sometimes I have a low body image (well, all of the time) because of that. To be honest, the cancer is just the icing on the cake. I know I didn't cause it all myself but there is that element of guilt thinking that I maybe could have had a different type of life and there would have been a different outcome. It's silly I know, but it's my guess that this looking back (sometimes a negative way) is a normal reaction to living with it all for some people. One thing for sure though, you're not alone in what you feel and by sharing what you did, you've helped me this weekend. So, I thank you Margaret for your courage and honesty. :) x

  • Thank you Tina!

    How I empathise about those past decisions! I am a great believer in having no regrets but, sometimes, I have difficulty in holding to it! Nasty weather today! Yesterday I kept feeling dizzy! Painkiller effect perhaps! Ah well! I've reached the age when things start to drop off and fall apart naturally! LOL!

    Keep up the spirits! Psoriasis is ghastly, so painful and distressing, and made worse by stress which this d****d disease hardly does much to ease!

    Love

    Xxxx

  • Hi Margaret

    Sorry you have been feeling down in the dumps. I think it is true what others have said about it being easier to cope when one is having treatment. I guess it does keep your mind busy, also the routine of chemo gives you a series of short term goals to achieve. I always find that when its all over and nothing is happening its the most depressing time of all. Also, you appeared to have taken all the nasty side effects in your stride, and refused to be a victim, whipping your wig off and saying 'I have cancer, do you have a problem with that?' I certainly wish I had your guts!!!

    From having lots of guts, to having less guts than most; you and I share having a stoma (see what i did there?). I, personally, find there is something a little shameful about having a stoma. There is a stigma there and I have friends who know of my cancer, but do not know about the stoma, because I would just be to embarrassed about them knowing. I can't see me raising my skirt anytime soon, and saying ' I have a stoma, do you have a problem with that?' ;)

    I am also single and wonder if I will ever find someone nice enough to trust with this secret, and who won't be repulsed by the very thought of it. Despite this I am actively looking for a fella and I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Not actually having much luck as yet, so its not something I have to consider as yet. Anyway enough about me...

    Really loving the new picture of you.

    Vx

  • Hi V!

    I have got used to the stoma and am learning to irrigate which gives me greater control and, soon I hope, will enable me to replace the bag with a cap. The downside is that I cannot make arrangements for any time before 10 AM as it takes an hour to irrigate, deal with the activity and then shower and dress. After that there is no further problem.

    I found out about irrigation from a colostomy web site. There was a video (a New Zealand chap - who made it all quite amusing) and asked my stoma nurse about it. As a control freak I feel so much better having some control over the activities. Next step is having the courage to go swimming!

    Most fella's of my age are so excruciatingly boring that I am quite glad not to have to have one around too much. They seem to expect to be waited on hand and foot, to control the TV remote, and have their opinions accepted without argument. At least my nice gay friend does not mind a healthy intellectual disagreement.

    I actually have a wide and supportive circle of friends of both sexes but a little tenderness and some physical contact would be nice now and again. Trouble is all the ones I like are already taken and I do not do to other women what was done to me! LOL! 'Mrs Do as you would be Doneby' That's me!

    love M!

  • Hi V!

    I wrote a long reply then navigated away without sending! You look much younger than me so the stoma is likely to be a bigger problem. I can recommend learning to irrigate though! It gives you much more control and I am hoping to move quite soon from the bag to a cap which is much less obtrusive.

    I go with you on showing off the bag though! Mind you I did respond to one 'friend' who did the mournful 'I hear you have a bag now' routine by responding loudly and cheerfully 'Yes! Want to see it?' (I cannot bear long faced pity as you can tell! and, of course she beat a hasty retreat! LOL) and I did let my grandson see the top of the bag under my trousers, and showed him the stock of bags for use, because he thought I had a skin pouch like a kangaroo that I had to wash out regularly and his younger brother was certain that I now go to the loo by standing up facing it! Mind you that is fairly close now that I irrigate! I find that openness is best for me!

    On Friday I am giving my version of the big coffee morning for Macmillan! Only I find coffee and cakes boring (I am diabetic) so we are having Pate wine & cheese in the evening with a raffle and quiz. Two years ago we had a Pimms afternoon instead of a coffee morning and raised £400!

    I must sound like a dipsomaniac! I'm not, honestly! LOL!

    Love M

  • Now there's the Margaret we know and love, feisty as ever!!!

    I think its lovely that you are open with your grandchildren like that and especially with children it is the best way to be. They just seem to accept things at face value. I suppose because they do not have any pre-conceived ideas about such things.

    However, I am quite comfortable with work colleagues not knowing as I can manage the bag quite well and am happy and confident that people I sit with every day, really have no idea what's happening beneath my desk. So I do not see the need to irrigate every day, but maybe for a special occassion, lol.

    I am also confident with going swimming now. It did take me about 3 years to pluck up the courage, as again was worried people would notice the bag. However I cannot stress the importance of a good swim suit to disguise this. As for the bag leaking whilst swimming, this has never happened to me. I have even found that the water makes the bag stick to you even harder, especially if the water is warm.

    You must however remember to put the little stickers over the filters on your bag. Otherwise the filters get wet and this stops them working, so you can be a little bit stinky after a while. If you are swimming at the local pool you can just change as soon as you get out, but its just a bit more inconvenient when your sitting by the pool on holiday. So having the filter covers on stops this problem.

    I have been meaning to post some pics of me in my swimwear. But in the meantime, check out this lovely M&S one piece, its great for everyone. The ruching hides a multitude of sins, from an un-toned tummy, to a a stoma bag.

    marksandspencer.com/Control...

    Vx

  • Hi V!

    I don't think you can irrigate occasionally! I opted for it for control as my stoma tended to work at night, while asleep, and regularly pushed the bag off with disastrous results! I have difficulty coping with changing the bed because of the neuropathy in my fingers But, in the middle of the night I have no option (normally Ruth does it for me) and this produces utter exhaustion. Irrigation gives me total confidence and no worries!

    I had to reassure my grandsons as they had some strange misconceptions but I also wanted them to Understand that one can bounce back and live normally after almost anything if one has a positive attitude! Luckily they don't see me when I get down!

    Lovely lunch out with a friend! Weigh in at slimming world tonight!

    M xxxxx

  • Hi Margaret

    Just got back from being away, here, there and everywhere. Just wanted to send hugs to you. I can't offer any words of advice except to say enjoy your socialising and enjoy all the love of friends and family, the rest will come I am sure.

    Love Wendy xx

  • ThanxWendy!

    M

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