Feeling low

[ricky23]

I posted a week or so ago, im not having chemo, just couldnt cope. Now im faced with an awfully sad situation. My wonderful mum is dying, not from cancer, but im finding it so hard fighting my illness and coping with the thought of losing my mum, who is my rock and my best friend, i tell her everything. Now her illness has all but taken her away from me, when i get results etc shes the first id call, now i dont, no point, shes too ill. I miss her already, the phone calls every day, the chats, all just about gone. Dont know,what to do feel empty and now just waiting.... my family just dont give me the support i want and need, they never ask how i am, never ask when i have my next appointment.... nothing. They know how shattered i am visiting my mum every day, they can see it and i even tell them but they dont even offer to visit to,give us a rest, utterly,selfish. Im sorry to rant but i feel so,depressed dont feel like i want to carry on particulay anymore, seems pointless. My eldest son hasnt even asked how i am for 8 weeks let alone enquire as to how his nanna is. Im gutted. Family ... brill hubby and daughter tho. Sorry to moan.

[Hidden]

Hi Ricky23,

I am sorry you are feeling low and that you are going through so much with your mum ..could it be that your son is afraid to ask ? not knowing is often the better option..I understand (or I think you are saying) that your husband and daughter are brilliant... perhaps if you opened up to them...your family might feel shut off from the situation...the good news in this is that they have seemed to have caught your OC early..with this problem out of the way even for the time being...it seems to me that you are going through a grieving process for your mum .you say she is ill.. does she understand enough for you to keep up the communication with her ? for her sake as much as yours...please try and keep talking about how you feel particularly with the people you love...you may feel they don't love you but you might find they do... but don't know how to handle it...my thoughts and prayers are with you and send you love x G x

[charlie12]

Hi Ricky

I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this terrible experience.

I read your previous posts and poor thing of course you must be feeling terrible. You had this terrible diagnosis , major surgery and now your Mum is very ill. Any one of these experiences would floor most people , yet you have had three all in one go. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel bad.

Please please try to get some help. It's fantastic that your husband and daughter are being so good. I'm sure you have been a wonderful wife and Mum too. Your son may well be scared too and this may be his way of coping.

Are you on HRT at all ? Have you told your GP that you are feeling so bad ? There are lots of ways you can be supported , so don't suffer in silence.Another option may be to ring Ruth , the support nurse on this site who is extremely supportive and will have spoken to many ladies going through similar dark times.

Take care of yourself.

Love

Charlie xxx

[Hidden]

Dear Ricky

What a terrble time you are having, you have been through so much in such a short time.. I lost my Mother 4months before I was diagnosed and longed so much for my Mother's comfort, which is special. How wonderful that you have had such a very close relationship with your Mother and that despite everything you have been going through you still are able to give her your love and support at this time.

It sounds like your son is very scared of what has happened to you and his Grandmother so closely together. I thinking boys (Ihave 4) find it very difficult to voice how they feel, especially when it concerns their Mother, but that doesn't mean to say that they aren't afraid or don't love you.

I think that Charlie and Gwyn have given you very sound advice and I wont waste your time rewriting it.

Let us support you with love and understanding

Love Suex

[Cinderella]

Dear Ricky

There is not much more I can add to all the good advice you have been given already. I do feel for you & pray that you find the love & support you need from your family. The most important thing is to recognise when & how you need help & ask for it. Our loved ones do not always know how to help.

Lots of love, Samixa X

[ricky23]

Firstly, thank you so much for all your lovely caring messages you have all so kindly sent, im overwhelmed i really am. Its so good to know there are others who have been through it and understand me. I am sorry to say me and my husband honestly dont think he cares, its sad to say but im afraid its true. He knows ive had hospital appts but never asks how i got on, he likes to tell me how he is but never " how are you mum " . I am so exhusted mentally i just feel like walking away from him at the moment. I spoke to him today about how ill my mum is etc and i then said how are you, and he didnt and never does ask anything about our lives, its so odd, its a one way street. Im certainly finding out who is there for me, and its not many im sad to say. I saw my mum last night and shes so ill, today i was told she had become unconsious again during breakfast wake up, the doctors have no idea whats going on. Its so worrying. Mum always asks how i am. Sorry to be such a moaner but feel so down at the moment, im sure it will pass. On another note i was wondering has anyone had problems with their bladder and bowel after TAH and debulking?? My bladder just feels odd like a pulling feeling, especially after a wee!! Also, my bowel hurts a lot of the time an ache is the only way to descibe it. Just wondered if thats normal?? Thank you everyone, your stars!! X

[Hidden in reply to ricky23]

Hi Ricky,

I am so sorry, but I can't help feeling that your son cares more than what you or your husband think...it is his way of coping like a defence mechanism.....if there is ever a time he needs your love it is now...not easy but sometimes love is a one way street but it doesn't stop us loving..and love isn't dependent on us getting love back... this might sound harsh but at the end of the day this is so true... it is only when we give unconditional love that we receive love back...and this without doubt will make you feel so much better...when a friend of mine died her daughter filled her house with her mum's photographs her son on the other hand got rid of every photo he had of his mum..he told me he wants to forget he ever had a mum...and he truly believes his sister isn't bothered about losing their mum..you see both are grieving but in different ways...both loved their mum..but both can't see the others reaction.. both are in turmoil...try showering your son with love and see what happens...and it costs nothing love is free...freely given freely received..I wish you all the very best love x G

[LizK]

Hi Ricky,

My heart goes out to you. My Dad died in March this year while I was in the middle of chemo. I was too ill to visit him for his last six weeks which was very distressing as I'd always done everything for him. My only consolation was that he was so ill he didn't realise that I wasn't there. I was lucky in that the family set up a rota to ensure he had constant visitors. It still haunts me to this day that I couldn't be with him, so cling onto that wonderful time you can spend with your Mum, it will help you through the sad time ahead. Maybe you, or your husband or daughter, should let your family know a bit more about how you are feeling as people are often scared of asking. One of my brothers, who always used to ring me two or three times a week and texted me almost daily, found it so difficult to cope with my diagnosis that he stopped contacting me. I now keep him fully informed with just short text messages and occasional phone calls. He still finds it all very difficult but is at least now able to ask how I am!! I know this is difficult when you are feeling so low and feeling that others should be making the effort to show their support for you at this time, but some people just struggle with knowing what to say or do. Your son, in particular, must be really struggling with all that is happening but I'm sure he loves you deeply. Open up to the family and to friends and let them know you need them and hopefully things will get better.

Love Liz XXX

[Solange]

Hello Ricky,

I'm so sorry that you're having such a sad time . I lost my own Mum 3 years ago and I still miss her and sometimes find myself thinking "I must tell Mum about that" so I know how you must be feeling, with her so ill. Maybe others in the family are too shy to visit your Mum as they don't know how to react to the difference in her. Tell them you need their help and even if they just quietly sit with her for a short time it would help you and be such a help as you need a break from visiting.

I'm very sorry, too, that you feel that your son doesn't care. I'm sure, deep down, he probably feels dreadful. Everybody reacts differently to different situations, and very often, we don't feel quite as close to sons as we'd like to be, once they're married. I think there's a fair bit of truth in the saying, "Your Son's your Son 'til he meets his wife, your Daughter's your daughter for the whole of your life". Could it be that you didn't feel quite as close to your son BEFORE your diagnosis. It can be a bit tricky seeing a son have another woman in his life who appears more important to them than we do . (Talking as a Mum with one daughter and three sons.) Could it be that he feels left out because you have a close relationship with your Daughter? Could it be, as others have suggested - that he just doesn't know how to cope, and is afraid to ask, as he doesn't know how to respond, or is afraid he may be upset and feel embarrased .

It would be so nice for you if you could clear the air with him and the rest of your family. As others have suggested, could your daughter or husband tactfully have a word with them and tell them you feel they don't care, or love you? They could be really shocked that you feel that way. Or could you maybe write to your son, asking outright whether you've done anything to upset him, but avoiding any criticism. It's often easier to put on paper what you can't say as there would be no interruptions before you get to the end!! At least you might know where you stand.

Personally, I can't bear bad feeling in the family and as I'm aware that there is always two sides to any story, it's better to know and clear the air. Sometimes I realise I've maybe been tactful, or said more than perhaps I should have. A quick text soon puts things right - and makes ME feel better.

I hope you don't feel upset with what I've written. I just feel so much for you and wish I could help. You're in a bad place at the moment but you will get through it. The sun will seem to shine again for you. I hope even having your "rant", as you put it, may have made you feel better.

With my best wishes Solange

[Solange in reply to Solange]

Hello again Ricky,

When I said sometimes I fel I have been "tactful" in the fourth paragraph, in my comment to you, I meant "tactLESS", of course. Oh dear, I get sillier every day!!

Solange

[Whippit]

Dear Ricky

I thought I'd just send a message hoping to cheer you up. Your posts remind me so much of things that have happened in my own life.

First of all you're not alone in feeling terrified of hospitals and of chemotherapy. My sister suffered terribly from a phobia about hospitals. She has had 3 different types of cancer over 40 years - each one being very agressive. She felt utterly unable to even go into a hospital at one time, let alone face chemotherapy.

Her hospital at Exeter were hugely supportive when they realised just how terrified she was. She and her husband went to sessions together in the hospital. She didn't tell me too much about these except that she was given samples of items associated with hospitals to take home, and that at some sessions at the hospital she used art to express how she felt. These sessions have worked for her. She's not happy going into hospitals but at least the phobia is managed these days and she feels more in control.

Your fear is very real and at the moment with a Grade 1 I'm sure you have made the right decision. Sometimes doctors seem to suggest additional treatments just to be on the safe side even though they're not strictly necessary.

Once you have all these terrible experiences and memories of your hospital visits and the op out of the way you may find yourself in a place where you could talk about how you feel to someone. Talking therapies really can help you understand why you think in a a certain way, and they're also insightful into understanding how people round you think and feel. That might well go some way to help you understand where your son is coming from. It did occur to me that he loves you to bits and is terrified of losing you so he is in despair about your decision not to go along with chemotherapy. As Solange says there are always two sides to each story and it might be that you're just not understanding where each other are coming from right now.

On top of all this you have your Mum's illness to cope with. Your words reminded me how I felt when my father became ill with mental health problems five years before he passed away. Suddenly my dearest friend and my rock was taken away from me ... still alive but no longer there. The hurt caused by losing that wonderful relationship was enough to break my heart. I missed the phone calls too and the easy chats. That happened over five years ago and my Dad died last year. I've never stopped missing him but at least the pain has eased and has become a sad feeling that is more manageable. I promise, you will feel better, but it's just takes time.

Meanwhile, do please think of talking all this through with someone, and explore the idea of seeking professional counselling. Friends and relatives are good, but sometimes are too closely involved to really help you come to terms with everything.

Sending my love and best wishes. xx Annie