Some of you have helped me in the past and will remember me I hope.. I don't post much but I read every day and if thoughts and wishes turned into reality, you would have all kicked this horrible disease.
I am now 4 years past diagnosis (Stage 1c and Stage 3 Borderline just to be different). On my last visit to the hospital I think I cried none stop mostly because Pat had just died on Eastenders and I think my Consultant thought I was a crazy lady so let me for a year before going back.. usual rider that if I have a problem then I can go back.
I am OK... well at least I think I am ... I guess that is why I wanted to just write down my thoughts on here as after a while, I guess although my family wouldn't mind listening to me, sometimes I think they feel like I should 'let it go now'.. if only they knew that I will probably never be able to do that.
I never had any symptoms and my cancer was found from a routine smear test.. I did suffer from depression and I do think now it was because all of my hormones were all over the place.
At the moment, I have been feeling pretty down .. things in general.. partner has a grievance out against work and faces losing his job.. I have changed jobs and it's not going well. When I was depressed all those years ago I used to feel like I wanted to sleep all of the time.. lethargic.. muzzy.. anyone who has gone through this will know what I mean.
I have osteopenia now and my hip has been aching.. I am too scared to go back to the Drs in case it has now turned into osteoarthirities.. plus of course I am thinking maybe things are going wrong again because I haven't felt this down and had symptoms for ages.. just general feeling of being 'under the weather'..
Probably nothing... but I do sometimes wonder if I will ever feel completely free of worry.. probably not.
Sorry as I know some of you ladies are so much worse than me and I do feel sort of guilty at being so pathetic but I like to write and it is cathartic to write this down..
I thought maybe go for an exam at my Drs and possible ask for a blood test to put my mind at rest?
Thanks for reading and I will carry on reading every day.. and my thoughts are with you each and every day.
Gilly x
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Gilly44
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I'm sorry to read of the depression that is besetting you.
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist professionally, and I just want to reassure you that what you say is totally congruent with what happens to many of us after a huge life upheaval like cancer. I fear that you might never feel 100% free from worry; as I expect many on here feel; but it will probably lessen as time goes on. You describe a classic 'syndrome' called post-traumatic-shock. If you can find someone to work with you on this (Macmillan cancer support might help), there is a great deal you can do by talking it all through, to move on and re-energise yourself. We have all had a huge existential shock, and most people need help with these if they are not to become clincally depressed.
Do have a test too - to dispell any fears. If the results come back normal, get some help anyway to deal with the shock.
Isadora has said it all so much better than I could have done, but I just wanted to say that whet you are feeling is so natural.Also, whenever I get something new or a bit weird happening in my body, I always think "Uuuhh-huh?". I'm nearly ten years down the line. I guess it will always be like this. I also feel that writing is very helpful and can put us in touch with some wonderful support from wonderful women on here.
Thanks for your replies... I am not sleeping as my mind won't stop going around in circles...
It is odd and I am not sure whether anyone can associate with this.. but after my illness, I realised that life is so very precious. I am fine until I get into my car to drive... suddenly the world is a very scary place as if everyone is out to get me. I have cancelled meetings as I don't want to drive and get very stressed out. My partner is a great driver.. ex lorry driver so not much he has not seen.. We recently got a caravan and we have had two holidays so far but although it is a more sedate style of driving, I get so worked up before the journey and then literally I find myself tensing myself at every junction and contraflow system.. again it is like my life (which has been threatened already) is constantly under threat.. I even close my eyes waiting for the crash. I have said that to people and they just don't understand.
I think I could so with some help... and I will get a Dr to feel my tum and give me a blood test.
Even hearing you tell me 'this is normal' makes such a difference.
I have asked Dave to take me somewhere tomorrow to make me think about something else.. I need to take my mind off worrying..
You sound as if you are clinically depressed! I have been there, no connection with the cancer in my case but I had over 20 years of it before I solved the underlying problem with divorce. I recognise the symptoms you describe and Isadora knows what she is talking about, do get help ASAP. As every one of us knows once you get that diagnosis you are never free of the fear and we all handle it in our own way but clinical depression needs treatment and you need professional help.
Taking a grievance at work should not cost your partner his job. I presume that he has proper support (I was a TU official and then did similar work at CAB). I know what you mean about being in the car, for me it has the effect of not trusting other drivers.
Do seek help as Isadora suggests and let us know how you are getting on.
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just a practical question 
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