have i beaten it?

[dee52]

in july 2009 i became ill first i was told it was a viral illness,then maybe swine flu and finally depression and anxiety.One g.p i saw i told how i couldn't eat ,i want to but just can't and i had a pain in my r.side just above my groin,she said she would ask a colleague,i am still waiting.i went back again saw a different g.p ask if i could weigh myself and i had lost more than 7 pounds in 3 weeks she said well done and i am thinking i don't want to loose weight.finally the pain in my side became sever i went back doubled over in agony the gp examined me told me to go home and take 2 paracetamol and lie down.which i tried but my father in law was not happy called the out of hours g.p and he admitted me to hospital.

The next day i had a ultrasound scan which showed i had i large cyst on my ovary and it had ruptured.i had the ovary and uterus removed.I thought thats it i can move on now and get well.But i was called back 2 weeks later to be told the biopsy showed i had ovarian cancer.It really is your worst nightmare being told you have or had cancer.i went on to have have what i call my 2nd hysterectomy at gateshead and 6 rounds of carboplatin.I was told i was staged 1c but after my 2nd surgery i was staged 3 because they found i tiny tumour on my pelvic lymph node.

I consider myself 'lucky' i didn't have that awful wait and a very supportive family.Although i struggle with one of my friends who was quick to believe that i was depressed and her way of dealing with my diagnosis is to say well you are all right now its in the bin she doesn't see me as having cancer she just thinks it was a blip and maybe,i am feeling sorry for myself but sometimes i don't feel alright i am in early menapause at 41 trying hrt and would love my body to feel how it did before this nightmare.I have put weight on tooo much and have to say i love food and if i am eating i know i am well but i am starting to diet and exercise but god its hard.

Sorry i have waffled i am due to go for my 3 month check up tomorrow and find i get a little worked up.Am i alone in worrying before my check up or am i just being silly and should pull myself together.Like i said i do consider myself very lucky i don't want you thinking i am neurotic xxx

[Hidden]

Dear Dee,

No, you are not neurotic! No, you are not alone in worrying before your check-ups! You will (if you are anything like me) feel severely p***d off with people who diminish what you have been through- it does not mean you are self-obssessed or selfish; just realistic. Those who minimise it are doing it because they find it difficult to cope; but it is disrespectful of your feelings - so of course you feel angry and frustrated about it.

It is quite distressing how little GPs know about OC and how poor they are at diagnosis. Mine has been wonderful since my treatment though, to be fair to her.

You are now struggling with an aggressive menopause, and you will feel bl**Y awful sometimes. However, although you might never get back to full capacity, it will get much much better. I's taken me 2 yrs from surgery to feel fully able to function nearly as before, so be patient but challenge yourself too!

Eat the right things, exercise regularly, minimise stress as much as you can, and get well! You will worry about it returning, but that gets easier too!

Very best wishes,

Isadora.

[Sally-r-abcd]

Hi Dee, I agree with Isadora, I think it's normal to worry before an appointment, I know I do. We've all gone through so much, both physically and mentally, that you can't just switch off the thoughts in your head. I have always imagined the worst, and prepared for it, and then when the news is better than you've prepared for, it feels b****y good. If it's as you think, at least you're prepared. I'm only just starting this journey of ours, and I know I'll be a nightmare before my appointments.

Good luck with it, and please let us know.

Sally XXX

[pixie]

Hi Dee, you have my sympathy! I worry before appointments too. It's only natural after what we've been through. It takes a long time to come to terms with what has happened. I have good days & bad days, even though my cancer was 1c and the docs are confident I'm cured.

Maybe your HRT needs looking at again? I've heard that sometimews it can take a while to get the right dosage/method of administering it. I've been using Estradiol - an oestrogen gel - for the last couple of months, and it has really helped me. I feel almost back to my old self (apart from some joint stiffness in my finders, wrists and shoulders), and definitely loads better than I was before the HRT.

I took up cycling a few weeks ago, as a new challenge. I lost a cycling friend to cancer just before Christmas and I see cycling as a tribute to her, plus it will get me fit again after last year's inactivity while I was ill.

best wishes

Gael x

[ScottishMisty]

Dee , I can only agree with what has been said already. I had 1A, TAH+ in Oct 09 and even tho my Ca125 is done monthly by my GP (dunno why - think its cos of a prob I had with her in the past) and it sits below 20, I still get worried at each follow-up. I think its natural.

I also hate it when people who are supposed to be friends say 'yea but you are all right now aren't you'....grrrrrrrr....if only they had to suffer what we have ahd to go thru. Nobody knows what it feels like unless you have been there. I have a family member who is fighting lung/stomach cancer right now and has 8-10 wks left and even I cannot understand what she is feeling as I have neve been there! But I can at least empathise a little.

Take care,

Sheila:)X

[wendydee]

Hi Dee. S many wise comments on here, all good advice! What you say totally agrees with how I feel, I had borderline ovarian cancer 8 years ago now. All my CA125s have been low and I've been fine on all my checks and examinations. I also have a great specialist nurse who answers any worries by email, BUT...... I always worry when the anniversary of my op comes around. I don't think the feeling ever leaves, "is it ????? again?"

I agree with Sheila too. Having been through what we've been through means we can never be exactly the same old carefree selves that we were before. However, I feel that I've gained a new appreciation of the sweetness of life and of supportive friends and family, so if anyone says I'm fine now, I think, YES I AM, but I have a new understanding of what this means and feel a bit smug! (I don't tell them this though, I'd sound a total ****!)

All the best, Wendy xx

[dee52]

Thanks for everyones comments i feel better knowing i am not alone in feeling like i do.I had my app and everything is fine see oncology in 3 months,yipee.

I think what i have always stuggled with is the fact they don't no why i got cancer (no family history)and they can't give you a list of do's and don'ts after so you can prevent Like you would if you had had a heart attack.I have always been a bit of a control freak.I like to plan things and this is something i can't control if it whats to rear it ugly head it will.

Listen to me modling just given myself a kick up the bum

thanks again think i like this blogging

dee xxx

[wenz]

Hi Dee - don't ever think you are alone. The only time I really worry is a couple of days before my 3 monthly check up. Have done for the last 4 years!! Otherwise I don't let it rule my life. I know that when it flares up again it will be treated.

I didn't have any symptoms when I was diagnosed so I feel for you with what you went through. I also had the love and support of my wonderful family. I also found it helped to be open with friends and colleagues so they did not feel uncomfortable around me. Good luck with your check up and keep smiling. Wendy