I spent almost all of November and December 2020 in hospital. A couple of acute admissions (extreme unmanageable pain), a biopsy (took 5 days, rather than 4 hrs), and my debulking op (15 days, not 7). I was finally discharged on 22nd Dec with two carrier bags of medications, a new stoma and a nasty vomiting habit.
I don't remember Christmas. Not a thing.
Or any of January, February, March... I went from being super-sharp to plunging into a rapid-onset, heavy depression. I think my overworked, depleted, medicated brain just stopped trying to retain experiences and make new memories. But 'missing' Christmas really bothered me. I don't have a huge family, so mostly look forward to spending the festive season with my partner, and our cats, with nice food, decorations and tiny twinkly lights everywhere. But. I couldn't cook. Or stand up. Or eat. Or decorate. Or remember anything. My partner worked so hard to try and create a normal christmas amidst the f*cking chaos that my diagnosis had brought into our lives. But I couldn't process it. We even tried to have a second go at Christmas in February apparently, but I don't remember that either.
So, this December, this Christmas, we have gone full out - There are 3 heavily decorated trees, my wonderful OH has strung lights outside the entire length of the house, and all around the garden, I've created an enormous garland of greenery and giant silver baubles over one fireplace, and a cheeky bunting of tiny multicoloured baubles over another. Just the act of decorating trees, handling the baubles, and sharing these experiences with my amazing Welshman, has sparked creativity in my treacle-brain. I was able to draw all my christmas cards, and make gifts for our nearest and dearest.
Yesterday was a joyous revelation. We cooked and ate a traditional Christmas dinner together, snapped crackers, drank bucks fizz, had wonderful zoom calls with all the family, overindulged in dessert, watched a bit of Strictly - all very normal, typical Christmas stuff that hundreds of thousands of households do - but it was very emotional because I think this time, I have been able to make some of those experiences stick, and reclaim Christmas and that warm fuzzy feeling - the joy of sharing, of giving, of family.
So this might all sound bonkers (and long-winded, sorry); I know that some will wonder why this is a such big deal for me, but if I can reclaim Christmas, I can reclaim some normality. I can start to reclaim my identity, my life. My Welshman and I can reclaim the future we have left together. So, this Christmas has been such a unexpected blessing, and I feel more fortunate for this gift than for any others I have ever had.
Wishing you a gentle, happy Christmas and a peaceful and healthy 2022.
Testarossa71 xx
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testarossa71
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I am so glad you were able to enjoy your Christmas this year after having a terrible one last year. Of course it is a big deal for you & you deserve to be happy as you have been through the mill. I was starting to think every Christmas was going to bring bad memories for me too as Christmas week 2018 I was told I had cancer but the gynaecologist thought at first it was cervical cancer but then I was diagnosed in Jan 2019 with OC. Two Op's, chemo followed & then maintenance till early Sept 2020. Unfortunately Ct scan late Sept showed it was back so after ultrasounds & biopsies another Christmas was ruined as I needed another op & recovery was hard. But this year like you & despite covid I am enjoying Christmas with my family so am thankful that I feel well even though I am on chemo since March. Hopefully we can both say the same next year too. I wish you health & happiness for 2022. Hugs & good wishes X
Tulips, I am so sorry - I wrote you quite long reply and I haven't the foggiest where it's gone, unless I said something not allowed by the moderators and it was deleted?
In any case, thank you so much for your kind words. It sounds like you have been through a very distressing and turbulent couple of years. It is amazing how resilient the body can be, but the poor old brain takes a proper hammering in trying to process everything.
I am very glad you have your family beside you as you enjoy this Christmas. Take one step at a time. We'll see in this new year with hopes for health and happiness xx
That's a lovely compliment, but I would say the same of any and all of the women here on this site. We're all fighting very similar things but at different stages and in different ways. Wishing you strength in your battles too xx
Brilliant and just wanted to say Christmas can be celebrated anytime any day of the year ... this is our path our decisions our memories to get over the bad times. Compliments of the season to you and your partner and cats 😁
Testatossa, I’m so happy that you found a way to hang on to your wonderful Christmas memories. You’ve endured so much and it seems the bad memories are impossible to forget. But now you have beautiful memories of Christmas 2021. I admire your determination to find a solution and I hope that you and your partner will continue to make, and keep, all your lovely Christmas memories in the coming years. Merry Christmas and best wishes from Louisiana,
Thank you, Sashay x Previously my partner was a little bit 'bah, humbug' about the fuss of decorating or shopping for Christmas, although he always loved it when it was all finished and lovely. This year though, he has thrown himself into the whole thing, and it's been amazing. He is amazing. Merry Christmas and a beautiful New Year from Gloucestershire xx
Thank you for your post, so eloquently written. I got really quite emotional as I read it.You've given me cause to reflect and I realise to my shame....I've been rather blasé this Christmas. I'm going to correct that immediately!
You're an inspiration and I'm so pleased you've had such a wonderful time this year.
All the very best for a healthy and happy New year.
That's a very kind thing to say, Liz. My Welshman says I should write more and share what he and I have been going through to encourage others going through the same thing. I would heartily encourage you to embrace all the daft, silly, over-indulgent things about Christmas. I write this as I'm home alone (the Welshman is visiting his family) - I am halfway through a Terry's Chocolate Orange (dark!), and a large glass of Elderflower liqueur with a splash of tonic and some blackberries to garnish. West Side Story is on the telly and I have a glittery 'Santa Baby' jumper on. The fire is warming both me and the several cats adorning the sofa and my lap. This is one of those perfect, lazy holiday afternoons. Go on - create a day or a few hours like that - whether it's just you, or you and the people you love - play a board game, watch a move you love, drink slightly too much and eat chocolates, and panettone, and Christmas cake instead of dinner, whatever makes you happy. And treasure that experience. Sending love xx
Really positive post. I have been very down for months but having a couple of days over Christmas with friends who are great fun has taken my mind off things for a few days.They say laughter is the best medicine dont they !
So glad you have friends who 'get it'. Some just understand without needing to be told, that you're down, and need to be nurtured and brought out of yourself. I have some of those too, (about whom I am going to write at some stage). Treasure those people, they are like gold xx
Thank you for writing your post. What a horrible time you had last year and how frightening it must have been for you and your partner. It is so lovely that this year it was so special and that you had such a lovely Christmas. xxx
In some ways, I am grateful that I don't remember all that happened. My Welshman has been brought to tears when he has had to fill in some of those lost weeks for me. I am often left shocked and horrified that I don't remember such dreadful events, and then I feel so much guilt that not only does he have no choice, but that he has to carry that memory for us both. He is an astonishing man. I am very fortunate. Thank you, and I hope that you are with the person/people you love and able to celebrate what is positive in your life right now xx
Oh I Love your post and I Love the Welshman he sounds Wonderful. It goes to show there is light at the end of dark tunnels and I'm glad you enjoyed your Christmas. Have a very Happy New Year. Sue xx
He hates social media, in almost all its forms. We have been together just a little over ten years and there have been many comedy moments that I love to share with a wider audience so they can have a giggle too. He consents to this story-telling only if I never use his given name, so he is known to almost all of my social media friends as 'The Welshman'. And yes, he is wonderful. Thank you for your lovely comment, and I wish you a peaceful and happy new year xx
I love your post though I am so sorry for how hard it’s all been. Congratulations on creating a really great Christmas this year and regaining a sense of joy! It’s a struggle sometimes but so worth it.
Thank you for the kind comment xx I don't think for a second that I am the only person going through this - but maybe by sharing it, others won't feel quite so alone. Everyone here is so giving and open about their experiences, and until recently, I have lurked and read and 'taken' - now I feel slightly better emotionally, I feel like I can 'give' more. Wishing you a happy 2022 xx
Nothing you have written sound bonkers. I’m just so glad you got to enjoy Christmas the way you wanted to. Sending you loads of hugs and love Sheenagh. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Good for you !!! So glad you were able to have the joy of Christmas and someone wonderful to share it with , it makes all the difference. Hope that your New Year is a good one 👍.
So lovely to hear that you've managed a happy Christmas this year and to celebrate with your partner. Give yourself some space, it's not surprising you couldn't remember much of last year and maybe it's better forgotten anyway!
Of course, you're right - I suspect the brain makes unilateral decisions in extreme times, so that the memories can be stacked away until you're in a better position to be able to access them. It just feels very odd to me, to know that my body has been through things that my brain doesn't recall (or chooses to hide). Thank you for your kind words and I hope you have a happy healthy 2022. xx
We are having fun. The twinkly lights are temporarily dispelling the shadow that this disease casts over our lives, and we are grateful for the time to make memories together. xx
That is wonderful!!!! We need to hear all about the times that make us feel whole again! Great memories and the support of our loved ones as they are so important to our soul! Thank you for sharing.
I totally totally get you and your post! Diagnosed in Sept 2019. First chemo resulted in problem that caused me to fall and break leg and wreck ankle ligaments. Non weight bearing for 3 months. Christmas 2019 in wheelchair and chemo carried on. Christmas 2020 still on chemo post debulking plus covid restrictions! Very stressful Avastin trial through 2021 until 2nd line chemo needed as Avastin ineffective. Had last of 6 treatments on 9th December so Christmas2021 was great normal and lovely and it has carried me on a positive bubble until this week where I am a week away from descion on future treatment so a bit wobbly this week so through in a bit of 'normality' for this Friday evening by having a couple of friends here for drinks. Haven't seen them for ages so really looking forward to it. ( I now have a couple of alcohol free drinks to call on too!!l) Sorry you have no memories from previous years Christmas and hope you build on 2021 with many more memories for this new year ahead. 😀xxx
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Sorry I have not posted for a while
On the 12th day of Christmas I was discharged
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND BUON NATALE
Happy Christmas
Quick update - haven't posted for long time
