Reclaiming Christmas (sorry, long post)

[testarossa71]

I spent almost all of November and December 2020 in hospital. A couple of acute admissions (extreme unmanageable pain), a biopsy (took 5 days, rather than 4 hrs), and my debulking op (15 days, not 7). I was finally discharged on 22nd Dec with two carrier bags of medications, a new stoma and a nasty vomiting habit.

I don't remember Christmas. Not a thing.

Or any of January, February, March... I went from being super-sharp to plunging into a rapid-onset, heavy depression. I think my overworked, depleted, medicated brain just stopped trying to retain experiences and make new memories. But 'missing' Christmas really bothered me. I don't have a huge family, so mostly look forward to spending the festive season with my partner, and our cats, with nice food, decorations and tiny twinkly lights everywhere. But. I couldn't cook. Or stand up. Or eat. Or decorate. Or remember anything. My partner worked so hard to try and create a normal christmas amidst the f*cking chaos that my diagnosis had brought into our lives. But I couldn't process it. We even tried to have a second go at Christmas in February apparently, but I don't remember that either.

So, this December, this Christmas, we have gone full out - There are 3 heavily decorated trees, my wonderful OH has strung lights outside the entire length of the house, and all around the garden, I've created an enormous garland of greenery and giant silver baubles over one fireplace, and a cheeky bunting of tiny multicoloured baubles over another. Just the act of decorating trees, handling the baubles, and sharing these experiences with my amazing Welshman, has sparked creativity in my treacle-brain. I was able to draw all my christmas cards, and make gifts for our nearest and dearest.

Yesterday was a joyous revelation. We cooked and ate a traditional Christmas dinner together, snapped crackers, drank bucks fizz, had wonderful zoom calls with all the family, overindulged in dessert, watched a bit of Strictly - all very normal, typical Christmas stuff that hundreds of thousands of households do - but it was very emotional because I think this time, I have been able to make some of those experiences stick, and reclaim Christmas and that warm fuzzy feeling - the joy of sharing, of giving, of family.

So this might all sound bonkers (and long-winded, sorry); I know that some will wonder why this is a such big deal for me, but if I can reclaim Christmas, I can reclaim some normality. I can start to reclaim my identity, my life. My Welshman and I can reclaim the future we have left together. So, this Christmas has been such a unexpected blessing, and I feel more fortunate for this gift than for any others I have ever had.

Wishing you a gentle, happy Christmas and a peaceful and healthy 2022.

Testarossa71 xx

[Lyndy]

So brilliant that you have managed to pull back some memories, some fun and good times testarossa71, give yourself a massive pat on the back ❤️

[testarossa71 in reply to Lyndy]

Thank you so much, Lyndy xx

[Tulips66]

I am so glad you were able to enjoy your Christmas this year after having a terrible one last year. Of course it is a big deal for you & you deserve to be happy as you have been through the mill. I was starting to think every Christmas was going to bring bad memories for me too as Christmas week 2018 I was told I had cancer but the gynaecologist thought at first it was cervical cancer but then I was diagnosed in Jan 2019 with OC. Two Op's, chemo followed & then maintenance till early Sept 2020. Unfortunately Ct scan late Sept showed it was back so after ultrasounds & biopsies another Christmas was ruined as I needed another op & recovery was hard. But this year like you & despite covid I am enjoying Christmas with my family so am thankful that I feel well even though I am on chemo since March. Hopefully we can both say the same next year too. I wish you health & happiness for 2022. Hugs & good wishes X

[testarossa71 in reply to Tulips66]

Tulips, I am so sorry - I wrote you quite long reply and I haven't the foggiest where it's gone, unless I said something not allowed by the moderators and it was deleted?

In any case, thank you so much for your kind words. It sounds like you have been through a very distressing and turbulent couple of years. It is amazing how resilient the body can be, but the poor old brain takes a proper hammering in trying to process everything.

I am very glad you have your family beside you as you enjoy this Christmas. Take one step at a time. We'll see in this new year with hopes for health and happiness xx

[SASSY196]

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

[testarossa71 in reply to SASSY196]

Thank you, my lovely xxx

[Slipper1]

What an amazing lady you are x

[testarossa71 in reply to Slipper1]

That's a lovely compliment, but I would say the same of any and all of the women here on this site. We're all fighting very similar things but at different stages and in different ways. Wishing you strength in your battles too xx

[MarleyZ]

Brilliant and just wanted to say Christmas can be celebrated anytime any day of the year ... this is our path our decisions our memories to get over the bad times. Compliments of the season to you and your partner and cats 😁

[testarossa71 in reply to MarleyZ]

Thank you MarleyZ - and seasonal compliments to you and yours xx

[Sashay2020]

Testatossa, I’m so happy that you found a way to hang on to your wonderful Christmas memories. You’ve endured so much and it seems the bad memories are impossible to forget. But now you have beautiful memories of Christmas 2021. I admire your determination to find a solution and I hope that you and your partner will continue to make, and keep, all your lovely Christmas memories in the coming years. Merry Christmas and best wishes from Louisiana,

Sashay

[testarossa71 in reply to Sashay2020]

Thank you, Sashay x Previously my partner was a little bit 'bah, humbug' about the fuss of decorating or shopping for Christmas, although he always loved it when it was all finished and lovely. This year though, he has thrown himself into the whole thing, and it's been amazing. He is amazing. Merry Christmas and a beautiful New Year from Gloucestershire xx

[Jacky5]

Thank you for your post, so eloquently written. I got really quite emotional as I read it.You've given me cause to reflect and I realise to my shame....I've been rather blasé this Christmas. I'm going to correct that immediately!

You're an inspiration and I'm so pleased you've had such a wonderful time this year.

All the very best for a healthy and happy New year.

Liz xx

[testarossa71 in reply to Jacky5]

That's a very kind thing to say, Liz. My Welshman says I should write more and share what he and I have been going through to encourage others going through the same thing. I would heartily encourage you to embrace all the daft, silly, over-indulgent things about Christmas. I write this as I'm home alone (the Welshman is visiting his family) - I am halfway through a Terry's Chocolate Orange (dark!), and a large glass of Elderflower liqueur with a splash of tonic and some blackberries to garnish. West Side Story is on the telly and I have a glittery 'Santa Baby' jumper on. The fire is warming both me and the several cats adorning the sofa and my lap. This is one of those perfect, lazy holiday afternoons. Go on - create a day or a few hours like that - whether it's just you, or you and the people you love - play a board game, watch a move you love, drink slightly too much and eat chocolates, and panettone, and Christmas cake instead of dinner, whatever makes you happy. And treasure that experience. Sending love xx

[Realistic]

So glad your Christmas this year was so different than last. And long may your recovery continue god bless and just enjoy life.Love SheilaFxxx

[testarossa71 in reply to Realistic]

Wishing you a healthful, peaceful new year SheilaF. Thank you xx

[rosebine]

Really positive post. I have been very down for months but having a couple of days over Christmas with friends who are great fun has taken my mind off things for a few days.They say laughter is the best medicine dont they !

[testarossa71 in reply to rosebine]

So glad you have friends who 'get it'. Some just understand without needing to be told, that you're down, and need to be nurtured and brought out of yourself. I have some of those too, (about whom I am going to write at some stage). Treasure those people, they are like gold xx

[Helvelyn]

Thank you for writing your post. What a horrible time you had last year and how frightening it must have been for you and your partner. It is so lovely that this year it was so special and that you had such a lovely Christmas. xxx

[testarossa71 in reply to Helvelyn]

In some ways, I am grateful that I don't remember all that happened. My Welshman has been brought to tears when he has had to fill in some of those lost weeks for me. I am often left shocked and horrified that I don't remember such dreadful events, and then I feel so much guilt that not only does he have no choice, but that he has to carry that memory for us both. He is an astonishing man. I am very fortunate. Thank you, and I hope that you are with the person/people you love and able to celebrate what is positive in your life right now xx

[SUE7777]

Oh I Love your post and I Love the Welshman he sounds Wonderful. It goes to show there is light at the end of dark tunnels and I'm glad you enjoyed your Christmas. Have a very Happy New Year. Sue xx

[testarossa71 in reply to SUE7777]

He hates social media, in almost all its forms. We have been together just a little over ten years and there have been many comedy moments that I love to share with a wider audience so they can have a giggle too. He consents to this story-telling only if I never use his given name, so he is known to almost all of my social media friends as 'The Welshman'. And yes, he is wonderful. Thank you for your lovely comment, and I wish you a peaceful and happy new year xx

[Ruebacelle]

Nicely done

[testarossa71 in reply to Ruebacelle]

Thank you, Ruebacelle xx

[delia2]

I love your post though I am so sorry for how hard it’s all been. Congratulations on creating a really great Christmas this year and regaining a sense of joy! It’s a struggle sometimes but so worth it.

[testarossa71 in reply to delia2]

Thank you for the kind comment xx I don't think for a second that I am the only person going through this - but maybe by sharing it, others won't feel quite so alone. Everyone here is so giving and open about their experiences, and until recently, I have lurked and read and 'taken' - now I feel slightly better emotionally, I feel like I can 'give' more. Wishing you a happy 2022 xx

[SEckett]

Hi testarossa71

Nothing you have written sound bonkers. I’m just so glad you got to enjoy Christmas the way you wanted to. Sending you loads of hugs and love Sheenagh. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[testarossa71 in reply to SEckett]

Thank you Sheenagh - you know it's meant the world to us. I hope that you are enjoying this small chunk of the year in a way that makes you happy xx

[MOOKIE-FOX1234]

Good for you !!! So glad you were able to have the joy of Christmas and someone wonderful to share it with , it makes all the difference. Hope that your New Year is a good one 👍.

Gillian, Mookie Fox

[testarossa71 in reply to MOOKIE-FOX1234]

Thank you Gillian, you're very kind. I hope that you've had the kind of Christmas that makes you happiest, and that 2022 brings you peace and joy xx

[FlowerRose]

This is lovely, thank you for sharing!

[testarossa71 in reply to FlowerRose]

Thank you, FlowerRose. Wishing you peace and love for 2022

[SopSinger]

So lovely to hear that you've managed a happy Christmas this year and to celebrate with your partner. Give yourself some space, it's not surprising you couldn't remember much of last year and maybe it's better forgotten anyway!

[testarossa71 in reply to SopSinger]

Of course, you're right - I suspect the brain makes unilateral decisions in extreme times, so that the memories can be stacked away until you're in a better position to be able to access them. It just feels very odd to me, to know that my body has been through things that my brain doesn't recall (or chooses to hide). Thank you for your kind words and I hope you have a happy healthy 2022. xx

[Irisisme]

I loved reading your post, thank you Testarossa, after the storm comes the calm - and then some fun! You give hope to those who are struggling.

Iris🤗

[testarossa71 in reply to Irisisme]

We are having fun. The twinkly lights are temporarily dispelling the shadow that this disease casts over our lives, and we are grateful for the time to make memories together. xx

[Summergold2]

That is wonderful!!!! We need to hear all about the times that make us feel whole again! Great memories and the support of our loved ones as they are so important to our soul! Thank you for sharing.

[testarossa71 in reply to Summergold2]

Thank you Summergold2. It has been a really positive thing for me, and I wanted to share that feeling xx

[Katmal-UK]

Totally love your post, the joy shines out and I am sat here smiling that you had your Christmas! Have a wonderful New Year xx

[testarossa71 in reply to Katmal-UK]

Thank you Katmal xx

[Tillymint61]

I totally totally get you and your post! Diagnosed in Sept 2019. First chemo resulted in problem that caused me to fall and break leg and wreck ankle ligaments. Non weight bearing for 3 months. Christmas 2019 in wheelchair and chemo carried on. Christmas 2020 still on chemo post debulking plus covid restrictions! Very stressful Avastin trial through 2021 until 2nd line chemo needed as Avastin ineffective. Had last of 6 treatments on 9th December so Christmas2021 was great normal and lovely and it has carried me on a positive bubble until this week where I am a week away from descion on future treatment so a bit wobbly this week so through in a bit of 'normality' for this Friday evening by having a couple of friends here for drinks. Haven't seen them for ages so really looking forward to it. ( I now have a couple of alcohol free drinks to call on too!!l) Sorry you have no memories from previous years Christmas and hope you build on 2021 with many more memories for this new year ahead. 😀xxx

[testarossa71 in reply to Tillymint61]

Nil carborundum illegitimae. Not-quite-Latin for Don’t let the b*st*rds Grind you down. 2022 - we’re onwards and upwards!! X

[Tillymint61 in reply to testarossa71]

😅indeed! X

[Tillymint61 in reply to testarossa71]

Just had text from friend We were due to see this Friday to cancel as she's just lateral flow tested positve🙁oh well. That's life at the moment. X

[testarossa71 in reply to Tillymint61]

B*gger. I hope they get well soon! Stay positive- the year has plenty to offer you yet xx