Help with catastrophising other halves!

[Madmarilyn]

I worry more about how any letter, scan result or news will affect my other half rather than me! She can't see anything positive, is constantly living in fear of losing me, and that is having an effect on both our lives. She has now started pills, can't concentrate, panics at the phone or post, and it is becoming difficult to reach her. She says she doesn't want to wake up in the mornings and can't cope with the pain, and just wants it all to stop. It's really scary sometimes, as she comes to me for reassurance. I try to calm her with facts and figures, and with my own belief that I'll manage this b# stard disease, but it's so frustrating to have her in constant fear of losing me when I'm right here, wanting to live my life!

I am particularly upset when she says the news is always black - my bloods did start to rise again after an op last year and chemo which ended before Christmas, but changing drugs has started a downward trend again, so that's not true. We seemed to be doing OK until a letter arrived from my local oncologist saying my recent bloods showed a liver function test that was a little high. She's now off into nightmareland agwin, thinking, they'll tell me to stop the drugs, and has put her head under the covers. Any bright ideas? I have tried to get her out, but she's not budging. Keeps telling me she feels guilty for doing this, but can't help it, beats herself up for being 'weak' and not being positive for me, and tortures herself with all the bad news and negative things anyone has ever said.

[charlie12]

Hi Marilyn

Both of you have gone through a terrible ordeal and there is lots of evidence that the partners of cancer sufferers suffer greatly themselves.

But it sounds as if these feelings and behaviours by her are getting in the way of you moving on with your life. Counselling and medication , if needed, help a great deal. She needs to do this herself and most importantly of all for you. Emotional stress is terrible for cancer survivors and she needs to get help for her feelings and behaviours.

Wishing you both the very very best xxx

[Madmarilyn in reply to charlie12]

Thanks Charlie. She knows it must be bad for me and crucifies herself with guilt for doing it. I know it's an illness, and that just like I can't help getting cancer, she can't help this insidious fear, but it can be tough sometimes. The upside is that in constantly reassuring her, I must be soothing myself, I'm just not always patient enough when she says she doesn't want to wake up, that she wouldn't last a second without me, because I'm right here, and she's not able to see that. I've tried coaxing, tried being tough, tried close friends, asked her to try counselling, (which she did for two sessions and the woman was awful!) but it's so hard to ignore someone you love in such pain. I sometimes think she's doing OK but it seems she suppresses it, esp in public, then gets almost hysterical in private. I want her to find something diverting, but she isn't able to concentrate and some days doesn't want to go out and do anything, when I want to get out there and live my life!

For me, things are weirdly good. I stopped working, I have new friends through this damn disease, I have a better social life than before and I physically feel well. I'm actually happy! I just wish I could drag her out of her dark, slimy well of despair, but don't know how.

[Artgreen in reply to Madmarilyn]

She could use the help of a good therapist (that she can choose) and to learn how to be an adult rather than a child so someone who is well versed in TA (transactional analysis). It may sound harsh but these are psychological terms. Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers maybe helpful in the meantime. Isn’t it interesting how her “poor me” doesn't allow you to spend time in that position.

You are being both parent and adult and I’m hoping it isn’t draining you.

A x

[delia2]

Hi. That sounds so hard to deal with but you have a healthy attitude. I would suggest a support group. I’m in the US and during frontline my husband and I went to a support group for patients and caregivers and it really helped both of us. However your partner probably also needs more medical help as she sounds like she’s in a dark place.