It has been almost six month since my last chemotherapy treatment. My two post-chemo follow ups have been positive with a steady CA125 and no evidence of disease. I remain in remission. One would think that I would be relieved and that the ever present cancer consciousness would begin to fade, if only slightly.
Instead, I feel much like a porcupine who finds herself trapped in a balloon factory, afraid to move for fear of a balloon falling, landing on a quill, and popping exposing me to the dangers of what comes next. Every new abdominal/back ache and pain is a falling balloon. Every bout of exhaustion another balloon. Each new lump or bump yet another balloon and every blood test a potential “Pop!” I would very much like to run from this balloon factory – through the doors and into the sunlight without ever looking back – but I cannot run.
The best I can do is to make my way, so very slowly, three months at a time for the next two years (and then at a slightly more accelerated pace), until five years from now when I can once again roam free. Though the thought of being trapped in the balloon factory will no doubt remain with me for the rest of my days, I hope never again to see another balloon.
You made me laugh out loud! At the same time, I know exactly what you mean. It's almost as if it's better to be in treatment so you know you've popped the balloons! Stronger balloons or blunter quills, that's what we need.
I love this analogy ☺️ I’m sure we all feel like this as we tentatively tread this path, and know exactly what you mean! Keep smiling though and sending you tons of best wishes! Xx 💕💖🌈
It’s so true what you have posted, unless you’ve had this disease nobody could possibly understand how we feel. You keep popping those balloons until none left to pop.
Excellent analogy, just love it, it’s one we all understand and can relate to. I hope you are able to run free very soon but remaining vigilant for any little balloons in the future. Love and hugs ❤️Xx Jane
I found that my anxiety gradually lessened, starting about 6 months after first line treatment ended (in my case, recovery from surgery). Eventually I reached a point where it seemed possible to finally breathe again, relax a bit more, and make plans for something further out than just two weeks.
Of course, then came the recurrence but that's just me. Hopefully you are rid of the disease for good.
Hold on.. it will get a bit easier over time. Less and less balloons and you will be able to turn around, dance and shake your quills with the best of them.
Hi, I cannot relate your comments to any treatment as I haven’t even stepped onto my journey yet. However I have always been a worrier - about anything and everything. Absolutely stupid things with hindsight now. I do yoga and have been to a couple of mindfulness courses the concept of which may help you. Maybe worth a try x
This is so well put. I feel every word you have said. I am also 6 months out of treatment but my ca125 is on the rise. Hoping it’s just a blip. Good luck to you and praying for a long remission for you x x
You have summed up exactly how I am feeling , finished a year of Avastin in January 2018 so slowly adapting to flying solo and 3 monthly checks .
Would so love to Run - free and know Tesla is so right about no refunds for lost time but as soon as I seem to pick up speed there is something that springs up to stop me in my tracks . About time I got some new trainers !
And each positive result means you have one less quill to pop those balloons x
Beautifully written and can so understand as that is so descriptive - however one must make the most of these disease free days - I have never had this wonderful state of NED and wld so much rather be that porcupine than living with this pain and constant grim news... pleas elook up see that sun shine and hug those close to you! And long may you remain in remission and feel well xxxx
So so true! I have stopped telling my husband and friends when I "feel something" because it could--and usually is--anything else but the big C. Just want to learn to not think its always the POP. Its so nice to read about you--and others who feel the same way without having to explain that feeling! Thanks for the spot-on analogy! oxox
I so understand. I'm waiting to be in your position. I firmly believe you have to change your life and not live it the way you were when you got cancer. Everything has to change and only then will you feel in control of your destiny. X
I understand everything you say, you make a perfect analogy of our journey with this disease x
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PET - News to cheer me up and hope it helps you too.
Been off for a while .
In need of advice
Just a little update from me 
In, out... in, ?
