A bit of a late night or should I say early am post. Not having a good day today I’m afraid.
Reality has hit home a bit today. I’ve been having a wardrobe clear out and somehow realising that there’s no point keeping my short skirts and strappy shoes has made me tearful and seeking solace in gin and maltesers.
I’ve been ignoring it for so long but today it hit home that I’ve got lymphodema in my leg for ever. No pretending, things will not ever be the same again. It’s weird as the whole hysterectomy thing didn’t bother me but being resigned to a life of long skirts/trousers and compression garments has really got me.
I’m afraid I’ve misplaced my fighting knickers today and am having a bit of a wallow in self pity. Well, wallow in gin actually 😀
I’m too young for this! I want grandchildren and grey hair!
Sorry but had to rant
Em
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Not sure about the gin 🤢 but will raise a glass to new normal 🍷 as we all move into the next phase of our life. It’s not worse or better it’s different. I think we all feel sadness at leaving things we enjoy behind but it’s also about replacing it with something else
So what is going to be your new statement you?
Forget sadness. After all maltesers are a great example of choice. Are you a cruncher? Do you suck off the chocolate and try not to bite? Carefully crack the choc with a tooth and don’t scratch the honeycomb? You see your sweet choice shows a woman who likes many options. Today is just a different choice
Welcome to my slightly insane world of cant sleep either 🙃 and you thought you had worries lol
Dearest Em, do not apologize for how you feel. Allowing yourself to vent is a healthy step. Lily Anne is absolutely right about creating a new "you statement" to carry forward.Grieving our previous selves is part of embracing your new reality so you can then be present for every moment of the here and now.
It's part of the process to feel like this, Em. Let it happen. My sympathy to you for the lymphoedema - I have it in my left hand, arm and breast (and they don't do a good line in lopsided bras). A trick I learned is to focus on the things in my body that are still good - my right hand, arm and breast are fabulous for example. Doesn't work 100% of the time, but it reminds me I'm not all in a bad state.
Rant away my lovely. Never tried the gin and Maltesers combo but next opportunity I will. It’s crap having to deal with accepting what you don’t want. I reckon you will find alternatives to bring you joy - tartan trousers a la Bay City Rollers perhaps? Or velvet maxi skirts with a swish? Take care and never hesitate to dump it all here xxx Netti xx
I get why you won’t keep the miniskirts, but is the lymphodema in your feet too? Just thinking you could wear trousers with strapy shoes on your feet and look fabulous, dahling! Also maxi skirts/dresses with some lovely sparkly sandals.
I hope a good night’s sleep has helped and that you don’t have a Malteser hangover this morning.
Thanks ladies. You guys are as ever just what I need. A night away from the family allowed me to have my rant and wallow. (I stomped round to my mum’s house as she’s away and spent the night on her sofa)
I’m going to do my plan of action and once I’ve finished eating the cookies I’ve found for breakfast I’m going to sort my menu plan and exercise schedule. (Yosh - had a think and I’m going to invest in a properly skin tone coloured stocking so I can wear nice sandals with my trousers. My foot does swell so it looks like I’ve got a bandage round a broken ankle due to the colour of my existing one!)
Off to have a shower and put my fighting knickers on 💪
Hi Em sorry you are going for compression socks etc but if it makes you more comfy then its worth it. Hope you are feeling more positive to day and hoping all will work out for you
Complete empathy. It’s ok to feel like this, bless your heart. People often say ‘ you look so well ‘ it’s hard isn’t it, because maybe we do for the average cancer patient. But the reality is just as you’ve explained it so open and honestly.
Safest place to rant is here where we all get it xxxx
Mines a vodka and any leftover Maltesers would be very welcome! Some days are just tough but you will feel better than this, hopefully tomorrow. It’s being on the rollercoaster of emotions that is difficult to cope with but for every down slope there’s one to climb back up. Keep strong and enjoy some you time! Xx
Sending a hug. I'm also having a bad day. The stoma is playing up don't even fancy chocolate. Never mind, there is always tomorrow. I am wrapped in a blanket with a hot water bottle with my feet up. Hope you can find some comfort.
Oh tell me about it - I had to start wearing support stockings 8 years ago, and nothing to do with cancer either. I've had so many blood clots in my legs down the years that I finally got post thrombotic syndrome and was at great risk of developing leg ulcers. Hence the stockings, to prevent ulcers. Every pair of sandals and all short dresses went to the charity shop, investment was made in loose legged linen trousers for summer - but I still have to wear them with trainers to cover the hideous 'surgical stocking' look over the toes. Accepting that I would never again wander around in a pair of shorts and sandals was pretty hard... all the doctors said was I was very lucky not to have developed serious problems 20 years before I did. No comfort, frankly... but I did invest in some flat 'cage sandals' which cover up the stockings pretty well - and sometimes, I wear the black stockings with summer dresses that happen to have some black in them.
If you've ever read The Road Less Travelled, he says in there that you spend up to around 40 acquiring things (a strong, adult body for instance) and the following years gradually having all those things stripped away. Easy to say, hard to accept... but you do, in the end, because there's no choice!
I now wear compression stocking all the time. I love -- well, maybe love is kinda strong -- let's say I tolerate the toeless thigh high stockings the best. I have a nude coloured pair that are my favourite
Hi Em, I totally agree! I want grey hair too!!! I’m in my forties and it seems unfair to get this disease so young. Of course cancer is unfair any way you look at it. I have those gin and malteeser days too, only mine involved vodka and French fries! I miss working, challenging my brain, mentoring others, etc. now with brain fog, some days I consider myself lucky if I can get a full sentence out, haha. I think with all we go through it is a necessity to have what I call pity part days or moments. You just can’t give in to it. If you like to wear short skirts - wear them! Any scar you have is a battle scar and should be worn proudly!
Just looked at this post of your too - the gin and maltesers attracted me! 😊 Another thing we have in common. I also have mild lymphedema. Do you have regular lymphatic drainage? Have you discovered the lovely coloured support stockings? xx
Oh don't get me going on the sexy stockings. A necessary evil I have decided. I've had lymphatic drainage and was going privately monthly as the NHS said I wasn't serious enough. I had a hiccup on the last day returning from holiday as overheated and got folliculitis. Luckily I'd been proactive and taken antibiotics with me in case of Cellulitis. NHS A&E nurse said Cellulitis, neighbour who is a dermatologist said folliculitis. Annoying but not so serious! I took the antibiotics to be sure. Anyway I left off the drainage for a while to give the leg time to heal fully and have got out of the habit. However trying to put on my long winter boots the other day which were very snug on the bad leg has given me the push to go back for more drainage.
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