So true. : THIS is excellent! What It... - My Ovacome

My Ovacome

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So true.

Suzanne333 profile image
Suzanne333

THIS is excellent!

What It Feels Like to Have Cancer

It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead. Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f*** this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

36 Replies

This is Absolutely Amazingly Awesome...

And exactly how it is!

On my own-io this evening as all the 'boys' have gone off to footie match, so catching up with my favourite site of wham/bam/slam it 'girls'...

More more more...😘 💥💓 😻 Janet xx

Suzanne333 profile image
Suzanne333 in reply to Janet235

It’s spot on isn’t it. I loved it so thought I must share. Xxxx

I'm out of breath just from reading about this adventure, grinning. oh so true though. My Daughter would be the one running with me and My husband would add the comment " Yes, and I have to watch all of this, do you have any idea what so ever how exhausting this is. " Thank you for sharing and know we are all hoping that Thursday brings you the relief that you need.

Suzanne333 profile image
Suzanne333 in reply to rppizio

Hi.

It’s great isn’t it. Written in a very simple way but spot on. I love the bit about rubbing kale in the lion.

Whoever wrote it totally gets it and has a great imagination too. Brilliant story.

I thought I’d shut the fridge door forever but my lion was crafty and was waiting in the oven. 😲

Hope you are ok.

Hugs. Xxxxx

Hi Lovely Suzanne, After reading your post I feel like I just finished the run I think I will go and lay down just in case I need to run the mountain again..Take care Lorraine xx

Hi Lorraine.

It’s a great adventure to read. It’s spot on. Exhausting yes. I loved it when I read it so had to share. I don’t know who wrote it but they definitely got it right.

I’m not going to open my fridge door anymore. Xxxxxx

This is brilliant! It’s absolutely bang on. “Have you tried rubbing kale on it” lols!!! My husband didn’t tackle the mountain lion, instead he sidestepped it by finding a cave to hide in, inside which he took up rock drawing as a new hobby.....

This epecially resonates as tomorrow I do my 3 monthly peer-over-the-edge-of-the-cliff trick and hope that the mountain lion a) isn’t awoken by the loud thudding of my pounding heart and b) has not been revived by his sneaky mates.

So thank you. Although seemingly light-hearted the analogy is so bloody true and I think will be valuable not only for other people who have just opened their fridge and been startled by the lion, but also to better help our cheerleaders understand our fight.

Xx

Hi

It’s spot on isn’t it? I loved it so thought I must copy it and share. I love the bit about the kale and about the husband shouting “Don’t eat my wife”

It’s so true in such a simple humorous way

I hope you are doing ok .

Xxxxxxx

Thank you lovely. I’m all good, it’s sweet of you to ask especially when I read about all you are going through. Swing that club until you’re able to use the bloody lion as a floor rug xx

Lol lol. I will. Hopefully kill it for good this time or at least put it in a coma for a few years. Bloody lion. Xxxxxx

Oh I soo love that, thank you!

Sue

I’ve seen this before, and it pretty much sums the whole experience up!!

Brilliant!

So so true it’s exactly how it is.

Hugs Ellsey xx

Thankyou , made me laugh and cry at the same time !!

I LOVE this!!!! It captures the OC battle perfectly! Thanks for sharing! Kim xx

As my lion seems to be coming back to bite me on the bum, I will not forget this analogy in a hurry!!

Hope you are well, Ali x

I've read this before but it's still made me laugh this morning! Brilliant, thanks for posting itt Suzanne x

I couldn't have put it better myself. Xx

I'm crying

Great reading!

Your post really cheered me up this morning, so thank you so much. Lots of love Bridie xx

Brilliant xx

About to go out shopping and have a big grin on my face. People will think I'm not all there. Thanks.

I think it might be the thing to send relatives who THINK they get it but really don't. It was great and yes the kale part made me laugh more than other parts. Here's to the end of the Mountain Lion--may he not rise up and try again!!!!

Suzanne, you are a star....so funny but also poignant....so good we can laugh at ourselves!! xx

Exactly how I feel, and I do believe this will help those not in our situation understand what we are going through. Thanks for sharing!

Brilliant! 💖💖💖

I am the husband. How true indeed.

Yes brilliant-right on the ball.

Thank you so much for posting this-it's brilliant and gave both of us a laugh (both my husband and I have our own mountain lions)

Thanks again.

Lou xxx

Suzanne333 profile image
Suzanne333 in reply to luluw

Aww. I’m sorry you both have mountain lions. I wish you both well. Fight the lions. Push them over the mountain and throw a rock on them

Thinking of you both. Xxxx

Wow. Exactly how it feels. Brilliant.Thanks for sharing. xx

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so true, loved reading this, thanks Suzanne. xxx

Oh that was brilliant reading Suzanne, thank you for posting, hope you are doing well.

Loren x

Thank you. This is brilliant and I plan to forward onto my kale suggesting friends!

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