My surgery was Jan 19th. I still have aches and pains that freak me out. I have gotten a rotten cold, sore throat and off and on fever. My veins are breaking down and some chemo weeks its sheer trauma getting the IV in. (My dr doesn't want me having a port). I'm dreading chemo tomorrow since I am already under the weather (carbo/taxol combo day). Some days my neuropathy is so uncomfortable I can't stand it. My sleep is off and on, largely due to hot flashes. Today I am having a second breast MRI to confirm if a biopsy I had the day before my OC surgery was done in the right spot. It was all clear, but the Dr's are not certain they got the right spot. (I won't even discuss the terror of breast cancer scare while being prepped for OC surgery). I may need reconstructive surgery to fix some issues with my OC surgery not to mention double mastectomy at some point due to the brca risks. But the worst of all of this is the reality slowly sinking in that this may be my new normal permanently. I was diagnosed and began treatment early October (I am serous 3c) and I'm forgetting what my old life felt like. To wake up and rush to get out the door. To work a full day at a career I worked so hard to build, and with much sacrifice. To run around with my dog at the park or go out with family or friends. To be 45 and healthy. Mostly to not be afraid all the time. I thought after surgery I would be less scared since the cancer was being physically removed. But when I have a pelvis or back pain, my fears come crashing in that its already back. My CA125 went up a bit after surgery and it drove me to tears. I can probably learn to live with pain, even more surgery if I must, but the fear of the cancer itself is at times too much. I'm brca positive so while there may be alternative drug options down the line, I also fear I am genetically screwed and it won't stay away. I'm beating myself up for feeling so scared and weak while many of you are fighting with strength and bravery. I don't feel like this 24/7 but it's always lingering in my mind. I just want my old life back and not feeling very proud of myself for facing this like a scared sad child. I haven't even be seeing visitors because I don't want anyone to be subjected to my pity party.
Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest, its been building up and I had to get it out.
I remain in awe of you all every day.