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Struggling

Today I am struggling to be positive , all I can think of today is , I don't want my parents to have to bury me, I'm 42 only child not married and no children. I want to get to retirement age and that is highly unlikely. How do you get though this ?

Diane x

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Hi Diane sorry you are having feeling this way! We all get these days I don't want another woman having my husband and leaving my girls! but it is thinking about this that gets me strong I think no I am not going to let this happen I will do anything to stop it happening and being positive is as good as chemo or so they tell me! I have a reoccurrence or they never got rid of the beast the first time not sure which but in any event I am now to commence battle again. my onc has told me that there is so many different therapies he can use all of which are on the NHS so these will be available to you too should you need and we have to hope that one of these many treatments sorts the B stard out!!

its weekend try and go and do some retail therapy always a good one for me xx

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Thank you Alison, having a wobble been positive for the most part , just today I'm overwhelmed , good to hear that there are lots of therapies that are out there , my first chemo is a week today so vet nervous , good luck with your treatment as well xx

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Your words help thank you xx

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Hi Diane I felt exactly the same as you do now, nearly 9 years ago. I'm stage 3 and was told I 'probably had 2 years at the most'. I didn't want someone else having my husband, my children, my life. Well as you can see here I am nearly 9 years on (Oct), no evidence of disease despite 2 recurrences and working full time. I'm blowed if it's gonna get me yet. There are loads of treatments out there. I have in fact had three trials (currently on the third). We all have down days. In fact I can remember laying on the bed curled up in a foetal position crying on the telephone to the Samaritans (not sure I have voiced that or not before). I needed someone to rant to and I didn't want to lay it on my nearest and dearest. You will have down days but then you will have times when you will laugh as you did before. I hope you can start to climb back out of that dark place you find yourself in. Sending you a big virtual hug. Kathy xxx

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Thank you Kathy xx

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Hi Diane, sorry to hear you are feeling down, I think we all get this feeling from time to time, but we must keep our chin up keep fighting and keep positive, I have just started on my 2nd cycle of carbo/taxol and avastin, like you I was so nervous of how it would go, but for me I have no major side effects thank god, and was not as bad as I thought, I hope all will go well for you next week.

Take care

L x

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Thank you x

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Hi - just to add a little to everyone's wise words above. I had "one of those days" a few months ago, and a poster on another forum replied to me with the following: try not to think about "I will never..." but use the phrase "I may never...".

For example, I was convinced that I'd never see my son turn 21 etc etc. When I used the "I may never..." phrase, I realised that there were things that were happening NOW which were important, and I shouldn't let them pass me by.

I've tried it - and somehow it works for me. Maybe I'm kidding myself too but it helps me get out of the awfulness of future-gazing that we call get into from time to time. We have to hold on to the fact that research and new treatments are being discovered all the time. The longer we're here - the more hope there is!

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Thank you , I will try it xx

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I really feel for you, I have felt that way to quite a few times, I just have a really good cry which releases all the tension and then give myself a good talking to about all the positive things and the people I love who want me around for as long as possible so keep fighting stay strong you can and will get through this blip

Take care Janice xx

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HI Diane454, it is okay to have a bad day, we all have them so be gentle on yourself. The thoughts that come into our mind drive us daft to be honest. I asked my gp for a sleeping tablet because I couldnt sleep or cope with the thoughts in my mind. So I got them and I am still on them. If there is a Macmillan Centre near you do go and talk to them, I understand they are great to offer support and ways to cope. Starting off on your chemo journey is daunting, we venture into the unknown but we do come out the other side. Take any supports you are offered in the hospital or use a Cancer Support Centre. It is difficult to speak with strangers but somehow it is also better to speak your fears out loud. I am going on my tenth anniversary in August, I have had a few regimes but they have always worked and given me drug free time like now. So what I am telling you is that there are plenty drugs out there and that Chemo does work. Once you start treatment you wont feel so bad. Yes you are young but you will recover and return to work. Wishing you the best of luck with your first treatment and hope you will have the nicest staff looking after you.

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It can be overwhelming, and bloody scary.. Tomorrow will be a better day. We are in the same boat Diane, I too am starting my chemo on Wednesday, and I just want to curl up.. Do something that takes your mind off it even if it's just for a little while..

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I agree with all the other ladies we are bound to have our down days and a wobble, I've had plenty in the last 18 months 😒 I have a good cry and must admit feel a bit better afterwards! It can all be very overwhelming, my CNS told me to take it one day at a time which I do try to do. Hopefully you will have a better day tomorrow big hugs and lots of love and wishing you all the best for your chemo.

Karen

Xx

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If you didn't have a meltdown with the pressure of this over you, you wouldn't be human. I've had many, some on here. Better out than in, I say. I didn't have kids, by choice, preferring to rescue and nuture animals. I don't want my horrible (yes, I'm afraid they are) stepchildren reaping the rewards from MY house and things. They've not so much as lifted a finger to help their father to support me through this and it cuts him deeply. So I've decided to be an inconvenience and live for as long as I possibly can....

You're only human. Chin up..

Debsxxx

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Strange you brought up these feelings as I am struggling with that at the moment. I have a son who forgets at times he has a mother and father and sister. Both my children are adopted and were loved and cared for very much. My son was helped with his first and subsequent cars and his rental deposit and then his house deposit and wedding. Yet none of us were asked to his sons birthday this week. I know its a journey and we were there last week for this little lads grads. However the inlaws were there in full force despite fact we were told it was a small party for his nursery friends. To add fuel to fire his Mum in law put up on fb what a wonderful time they had and how my grandson loved the new bike she got him. I was so hurt but had the sense not to react. So I am glad that I am not alone in thinking that he will reap the benefits of anything I have should anything happen to me. I know I have to do the obvious at some stage ie sorting out my affairs. At the moment I will be an incovenience and live as long as I can too.

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Hi Suzuki

Funnily enough, you reply made me feel better. We have three adopted children. The eldest was a nightmare from her early teens onwards. I won't go into details-too depressing-but suffice to say we haven't seen her or heard from her for a very long time. She had all the love and attention we could give her. It breaks my heart, but it helps to know I'm not alone.

HOWEVER-the other two are fantastic. They have been with me every step of this awful journey and are coming down this wekend to celebrate the success of my chemo!

Lou xxxx

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HI luluw, Yes I know the feeling. We gave our son the best we could which sometimes wasnt much when he was younger. He went away with work when I was diagnosed and met his present wife. They are only married two months. This was happening before the wedding. They had a tough time, lost twins at 27weeks, the pregnancy was not viable. So we were there emotionally etc for them. He has no interest in looking for his bm or bd. Their little lad is the light of their life and of ours. But the outlaws seem to come first. I know they say that happens anyhow with a son. I feel kind of rejected, in one way. That is strange isnt it coming from an adoptive Mum. I will have to grow a thicker skin. My daughter on the other hand is more laid back, and she pointed out to me that she was cut as well and she is the godmother which is totally right. So I think we know who wears the pants in his house. It is great that you get support from the other two and that means a lot. My daughter is okay didnt cope very well with my recurrences as her friends Mum passed because of an undiagnosed recurrence. She lives at home with us.

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Someone needs to have a chat with him. If the boot were on the other foot i.e. his MIL was ill/struggling, I would imagine their lives would be consumed by that. Do the in-laws live nearer? She doesn't sound like she has much in the way of emotional intelligence, posting pictures on FB, knowing you would see them.

Maybe you could call your son and arrange to meet on neutral ground to discuss how you feel. In your own time though.

I'm afraid my relationship with the step children reached an abrupt end last November. I've given up trying to make things work for others' sake. John is as much to blame for pandering and over compensating - something I'm trying to work through in my head.

I'll get around to seeing a solicitor over the next few months. I am determined neither offspring will benefit from the relationship they did their best to destroy.

The past has cast a long shadow and I'm not taking prisoners.

Debs xxx

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We have no children but I feel annoyed for you, if I Die first then everything goes to my hubby but if he dies within a certain amount of time after me then half goes back to my family as I don't want his relatives to have it all!, I read that and made sure that was in our will, my hubby is totally ok with that !!

Clare x

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My son was brought with values but he seems to have lost them. I suppose I would be oversensitive feeling it more because I am not his bm. My daughter pointed out that she felt left out as well so its just bad behaviour. Yes the in laws live quite near them, we are about 120kms away. So at the moment, I am going to draw back, as in not being as helpful and letting him make the next move. I will speak to him about it though nice and quietly. I did make a will at the time of my surgery many years ago but it is something I do need to revisit for other reasons anyhow.

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I agree no emotional intelligence. In one way its blackmail because if I make a fuss, there is the possibility that I would miss out on seeing my grandson. So best to chat with my son on his own and explain how I felt. We have been there for them through their ups and downs and helped them emotionally and financially. My daughter has gone to visit them today and stay overnight. She was a bit put out too but I am glad I didnt react to the post. Facebook can be a curse cant it ? You cant take back what you read. But its up to me to let her comment go over my head and speak to my son when I get a chance.

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Ooh I'm feeling mad for you, maybe the in laws are jealous and your son felt that was the only thing to,do but he should have spoken with you. Carry on being an inconvenience but it's a good idea to sort out wills etc at any stage of our lives and not only now we are getting in with OC!

Take care

Clare x

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Thank you all for your kind words , you are all lovely , I'm now watching the football and shouting at the tv is helping ( also Wales scoring had me wooping ) I'm planning tomorrow a bit differently , I wasn't going to see anyone until the evening can't go though the day not seeing anyone . Thank you all again

Diane x

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Great. Wales should win!

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Hi Diane, sorry to read about the way your feeling and like you we all go through it. I don't know where your based but I live nr Leeds and our hospital have a lady that goes through natural healing and relaxation therapy with cancer patients. I was there yesterday and it is a very good mediation treatment. You can contact her online her name is Ruth Kaye. Just maybe by listening to herCd or DVD might help you. Just a though. Take care xxx

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We have all experienced how you are feeling, and yes it is hard to stay positive. I have now accepted that my cancer probably wont be "cured" but can be managed in much the same way as diabetes is managed.

I intend to keep on keeping going until I die of old age! There are loads of drugs to throw at this sod, so keep on throwing!

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Hi Diane, your post has come at one of the worst weeks I've had. I think we need these blips to come out of them stronger and just reading these other ladies' posts is like reading a rallying war cry. I am nearly 4 weeks post op and was feeling euphoric. Then I got a chest infection and another problem with my wound which may affect the start of chemo again. Which incidentally also fills me with dread. To top the lot though I had a dream about leaving my kids and never being a grandmother etc etc. It set me off for the week. As I said though I got fed up feeling like this and I have the fight back and looking forward to things. I describe these blips as being at the bottom of a hole and it feels good when we climb to the top again. Sending hugs. Tracey x

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I went on a mindfulness course run by my local cancer support charity. Sarah ,who ran the course, said it was fine to cry and have a bad day but to accept that that was how you felt in that moment and that isn't how you will feel an hour later,the following day etc. Not sure I've explained it very well but I have found it useful when I have a bad day to just go with it. Everyone has a bad day from time to time even when they aren't dealing with what we are. Sending you lots of virtual hugs X

PS Married to a very happy Welshman!!

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That is a very sensible reply, I also have done Mindfulfulness and have learned that our thoughts are words but not facts. I have also left the land of the" what ifs". I actually heard myself say to someone the other day, about not going to a party that these things do not faze me anymore. If I can, I can, if I dont have the energy I mind myself. I realise how this has changed my attitude ie the Mindfulness and the illness.

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"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.”

― Elizabeth Taylor

I have found this very helpful on my many down days! I am 5 years post diagnosis plus a recent reoccurrence. (I am 52 now) Oh and I take Escitalopram, an anti depressant after I struggled so much the first time! My GP recommended it who has had cancer herself. It is so hard but things do get better, I promise xx

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Hello

I found my local Maggie's centre very helpful. It is all free and you can just talk to someone or else they have specialist psychologists for cancer and run all sorts of courses like Mindfulness meditation and also Getting started on chemo courses. You meet people in the same sort of situation and I now have a monthly meet up with three friends I made there. Also someone told me 'A thought is not a fact', which I found good when I was having meltdowns. Good luck with starting chemo, you will feel better when you get going and it is a powerful weapon. All the best, Sophia

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Hi Diane,I've had those days too,and isn't amazing most of us don't want the other half to find another ha ha,Jesus,my fella could just about deal with me he'd be lost in this new dating world! That's why I think most of us hold on and fight ,we don't want our partners to go through the pain of being rebuffed by another female!!! As If!! Ha ha,

Fear is a real ,intense factor when it comes to cancer,and there are days when it does creep up on you but,you find the resources within ,to kick its ass straight out of the door.We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.Hope your having a good day today,xx

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Hi Diane - My heart goes out to you. I also had quite the personal pity party for myself the other night, sometimes we just have to give in to feelings of why me, anger and absolute terror. I have a number of other medical issues that cropped up after the OC dx and mourn the days I was healthy. I have no children, struggled with infertility for many years, and a husband who is totally overwhelmed with life and caring for his 97 and 95 year old parents on top of my issues and his own health concerns and so can give me just so much. I have just been able to get back to work, am nowhere near retirement age, after a layoff (hubby was also laid off, a total black cloud has followed us) and the financial issues are there too. I continue on 2 medications to help me with the feelings of panic I was having. Constant crying, wasn't sleeping, etc. Consider some help in that area. I am in remission now but feel like the other shoe is going to drop any day and I really struggle with the thought of the chronicity of this disease. I went to have my breasts checked the other day - they have me on a 6 month MRI, 6 month mammo schedule bc they think I am high risk for breast cancer also (even though I am BRCA negative) and the doc was citing the high 5 year survival figures - something like 97% (averaged across all stages!) for breast cancer and then when I asked about OC (already knowing the answer) she admitted it was a whole different story. There are days all I can be is angry that they have not made more progress for us. That being said, I agree with the ladies here that there is more coming out seemingly every day. Many of our teal sisters seem to be living longer and longer (albeit some in continual treatment) and you may certainly be here to enjoy many more years. When you feel well, explore back up clinical trials etc that you may qualify for. I have 3 oncologists that I see, one my primary and 2 others for "back-ups" less frequently and am due to see one in 2 weeks to update me on any "latest" breakthroughs as not being a surgeon like my primary oncologist, he seems to follow all the research even more closely. He is British working at Massachusetts General Hospital and I also like his warmth (he always gives me a big hug!) and his somewhat different approach. At the end of the day, if we feel we have done our all to fight this beast there isn't anything we will regret. Best, Martina

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Martina, all I can say to you is that a lot of those stats are now out of date, there are more people living with cancer nowdays than dying from it. We take every day and live it as best we can. I am off treatment at the moment, it is a chronic illness for me so I try to enjoy the good days. If we need a duvet day now and again then that is okay too All the best stop thinking about the stats, there are always a few who surprise their oncs so there is no reason why we cant be one of them

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Hi Diane,

I've been mulling your post over for the last few hours, trying to think of something clever or inspirational to share with you, but failing miserably! You talk about your first chemo being very soon, so I'm assuming you've only recently been diagnosed.

In the early days, I was very glum and struggled with everything. I cried a lot about not seeing my children grow up (they are 4 and 7), the injustice of me getting OC at 38, how my husband would cope without me etc etc. I cried when I went for my 'pre-chemo' chat with the CNS, when I sat in the treatment chair for the first chemo session, when I was hospitalised with neutropenic sepsis...

But, life goes on, you adapt to a new 'normal,' you are constantly amazed at where support comes from, at the love shown from family and friends and the strength you draw from it, and slowly you realise that it's not necessarily a death sentence. You get up in the morning and deal with the challenges for that day, you smile at little things, and still sometimes cry over them too. People marvel over how well you are coping, how you still have your sense of humour, how resilient you are, and you realise that you are all of those things.

And for me personally, when all else fails, I remember when I turned the radio on for the first time after my diagnosis and Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' came blasting out of the speakers, and my husband and I laughed and laughed... 😆

Big hugs to you x

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Dear Diane

I hope that the wonderful win by Wales has lifted your spirits. When Ireland was knocked out I adopted Wales and Iceland and I will have to go for our near neighbours if they both get to the final.

I read your post a couple of times and all the replies . The one thing that struck me was

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Hi Diane,

Doesn't matter what stage you are in your journey, we all have days like this, a talk with a close, non judgemental friend or family member can help, also planning ahead, a holiday or doing something you enjoy always does it for me.

Maybe go for a long walk or planning some improvement to where you live or gardening.I sometimes pick up my knitting needles or read a book, anything to divert me, it's difficult, but you are talking to the right people, we all know what you are going through,

Lots of love,

Carole xxx

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Dear Diane

So sorry . I just wrote a long reply to you and some gremlin wiped it out ! The last one went too early. I have to go out now but I will reply to your post as soon as I return

XXX

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Thank you again for responding , I contacted friends yesterday to tell them I needed help and they were brilliant , I've been out all day with 2 different friends (like shift work when 1 went home the other picked me up ) tonight I'm going to another friends house. I live in South Wales and there's an amazing self help center called Sandville , I'm going there tomorrow , they do similar work to the Maggie center , I'm trying to be pro active , however difficult , it's all happened so quickly that I haven't really had time to stop and grieve , from having the brca1 test to finding it positive to having bso , finding the cancer, having radical hysterectomy to find lots of tumors on the omentum and fear of chemo it's been just 3 months.

i will get there, I'm surrounded by fantastic people and your support has been lovely , showed my friend this forum and she was moved to tears with your kindness towards me it also helped her realise what's ahead because in her mind when the chemo was done she believed that was it and I could get on with my life.

Tracey I liked what you said about rallying war cry , I hope your getting better X

Wales getting though to the semi finals was a huge lift if they can go on a beat Portugal it'll be even better.

Thank you all again

Diane xx❤️

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Dear Diane

I see from this post that quite a lot of positive things have happened since you first posted. It is great that you got so much from the other women's replies. As I said I lost my original reply to you but reading your final post today would make a repeat of it irrelevant . I did feel we had something in common as single people have a different experience. This is where good friends and close family come to the rescue. Sometimes all we have to do is ask. Of course this website is invaluable and I don't know what I would do without it most of the time.

Well done to Wales too and I will be cheering them on. Now where is my red T shirt !

XXX

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Dear Diane

I forgot to add the most important message of all and that is good luck with your treatment this week. Will be thinking of you. Take care

XXX

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Thank you Molly im quite independent so I tried to go though it with minimum fuss to friends and family, but I've realised I need distraction , the football helped ! haha but my friends being there showed me I need to ask for help more , today another group of friends took me out I'm shattered but feeling better than I have in over a week. Hope your well x

Diane X

P.S. wear that red shirt with pride, win or lose going to be a good game 😜👍🏻 X

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You do realise Diane that I had to swop my green t shirt for a red one and that wasn't easy !

I am not having a good day today but tomorrow I will go to my support centre and I know they will cheer me up. I also found that like Ann has said that counselling was wonderful. As you know sometimes we don't want to burden family and friends and who better to understand than either fellow travellers or a trained counseller .

Sounds like you have a lovely lively group of friends. Now that we all know Wales is going to win things can only continue to get better. We will keep positive on all fronts and I will be rooting for you .

XXX

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I wishing you a better day tomorrow, and I hope they lift you the way my friends have lifted me X , I'm rooting for you as much as I'm rooting for the boys to make history.

Diane X

P.S. Green is a great colour 😜

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Hi Diane, I've had days like that too, I think we all do. Initially I refused to buy myself any new clothes, I was telling myself 'what's the point'.

Chemo started and despite the side effects that I was having my CA125 was showing improvement with each dose of chemo. I then started to become more positive, telling myself I AM NOT A STATISTIC. I will take this one day at a time. Sure nobody knows what's around the corner for them and its as well we don't. We could be hit by a car crossing the road!

I try to do things I like. I found a site on you tube which I used to teach me how to crochet - there's no stopping me now lol.

Hopefully when chemo starts you will feel much better, but if your struggling ask if you can have some counselling. I found that very helpful. Macmillan is a good place to start. Enquire at your local centre if they offer counselling and put your name down. Also check out what other services they offer.

All the best for your chemo on Friday. Ann xo

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Don't be hard on yourself Diane, we all go through these periods and know exactly how you feel. I am currently going through 3rd line treatment having been first diagnosed in 2012. Let yourself 'wallow' a bit in the negative, you are human! But then push it out of your head and tell yourself 'I'm alive, this is not going to beat me'. I hope you have already started to feel ore positive.

Love

Annette xxx

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