I am 48 with two children (11 and 8). I’m afraid i am not dealing well with diagnosis of stage 3C ovarian cancer last year I have had chemo and debulking surgery It has been 7 months since diagnosis and I don’t feel any different and very depressed I am struggling to get up in the morning - this is despite an amazingly supportive husband and 2 lovely children I feel I am becoming more and more detached from them as I am in such a numb non feeling state I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt like this and is a similar age to me I feel angry still that this is happening to me and I know I shld be feeling lucky to be alive and grateful for the treatment which is so far going in the right direction Physically I am coping well but mentally ….anything but !!
Anyone ever felt similar ? How long does it take to adjust to living with this cancer ? I know that chance of recurrence is high at stage 3?
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Hi, I was 49 with the same diagnosis. Had my debulking and then chemo. All seemed good and went on an immunotherapy trial but had recurrence 11 months after 1st diagnosis. Had more chemo and got myself in quite a sad place and my oncologist suggested some counselling. At first I battled against it as ‘i didn’t need it’ He went on so much in the end I (grumpily) agreed to 1 session just to shut him up!
He was so right, was just what I needed. Someone to cry, scream, get angry, laugh with (yes we laughed sometimes!) and it was amazing. She taught me all sorts of coping strategies for when it hit. I’ve been on Niraparib since April 2019 and I feel great (touch wood!)
I only have me and my husband (and at the time my mum and dad) so it was good to talk over what was really scaring me without scaring them.
I also stopped reading things, popped on here occasionally and tried to take a bit of an ostrich approach to it.
I’ve gone on a bit, but I would really recommend some counselling (mine was with someone attached to Macmillan) and I hope it helps xx
P.S my oncologist would be laughing his head off if he could see this!! Me, recommending counselling!
Hi Sasha, sorry you are really struggling at the moment, have you mentioned it to your Gp or maybe your cancer liason nurse? They might recommend you have some counselling to help you deal with how you are feeling. You could also ring the ovacome team & talk to them. It's only natural to feel this way but people deal with a diagnosis of OC in different ways. I was diagnosed at 52 ( stage 3 Hg) when my two daughters were 16 & 19 & like you I was totally shocked by the news. I won't lie I do have the odd bad day but I try not to think of what I have been through or what may lie ahead. I make myself go for a long walk everyday in a beautiful park close to my home which I find really helps me. I also try to keep as busy as I can so that my mind doesn't wander. You have to try & think to yourself you have so much to fight for, your young children & hubby. I know your children are young but don't be afraid to let them know when you are struggling & be kind to yourself. Take a weekend away or book a holiday abroad so that you have something to focus on & look forward to. Ask for help & don't be afraid to ask. We are all on here to support each other so your welcome to chat anytime. Hugs Mag X
Sending you a big hug 🤗…Not sure there’s any time line for learning to live with cancer. I find that I don’t think about it most of the time, then in the middle of the supermarket or somewhere else equally inappropriate, it pops up again….
It does sound to me that you are a bit stuck with the bad feelings… not surprising as apparently lots of cancer patients get ptsd through having to cope with their diagnosis.
I have got used to getting my teeth fixed and building my strength up after treatment, if my mind felt a bit bruised and sad I would also try to get some help to put it back together.
Ask for help (Macmillan, GP, Ovacome… private counselling your choice) you have been through a lot and you deserve to be able to enjoy your life xx
Hi Sasha,. I was Dx Stage 4 in 2018 at 48. I had 3 chemo , radical hysterectomy and 3 more mop up chemo. I have my up and down days , especially down just before scan time but I have a little girl so I try to stay positive as much as I can for her.
As mentioned maybe seeing a counselor could help. You’ve been through the ringer and maybe talking with someone will help you feel a little stronger.
I am constantly afraid of recurrence.. It’s ALWAYS on my mind but I try to push it away whenever it pops up. My oncologist told me something that has always stuck. .” Worrying about recurrence won’t stop it if it’s coming but it WILL stop you enjoying your life if the fear takes over. Live your life .. That’s what you’re here for.”
I’ve taken that on board as my mantra and so far so good 🙏🏼
I’m almost 5 years clear and hope and pray to stay that way for a very long time .
Hi Sasha, sorry to hear you’re having a tough time at the minute. You’ve some great responses from the other people. The mantra from Lily-Rose1 really does resonate. My wife was diagnosed stage 4 in March 2018. We have a couple of grown up girls between us. It’s tough dealing with things yourselves, never mind children and extended family too. Sometimes that’s so tough. I’m in a couple of ‘significant others / partners’ support groups which I felt help us both with developing different coping strategies to support each other effectively. I’ve also heard of children’s support/ counselling which can help life the burden for you both a bit, by helping them to cope with the diagnosis/treatment etc. Might be worth a look to see if there’s anything available for your husband and children. Ovacome do a partners support group. All the best with everything 🌼xx
Dear Sasha, Please get a little help someone you can really talk to it helps. I do find this group amazing and really helpful. Because unfortunately we know just how you feel but what your feeling is just how we've all felt at some time. I do most of the time but l do have my dark days. And admit its not easy sometimesBut there is hope out there so many people of here. Im sending that big hig you really need right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel
You just need to switch it on. Lots of love ❤ Sheila Fxxx
Sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds hard. I remember the early years after treatment being very difficult. I was 46 when I had 3C and two surgeries, chemo and radiation. In some ways it is harder after the treatment as I rallied during the treatment. Often the case with trauma.
Would I survive? Would it come back? These were the questions in my head. I too would suggest talking to a counsellor/psychotherapist as everything you are experiencing is (I would suggest) normal given your experiences. We all need support and never more than post treatment.
I’m still here at 53 and my lens on life has changed. I used to follow a saying I had in my head since my early 20’s; “Believe and yourself will find the way”.
HiI think your reaction is completely understandable.
You've had a devastating diagnosis and you feel as if your life has completely changed.
I was scared and so angry when I was diagnosed and for a long time after. I felt I'd been robbed of my life and my future with my family.
I think it was a combination of time passing without a recurrence and gradually getting used to my new normal that has helped.
We're all different but I started to feel more positive very gradualy and possibly around 9/10 month after diagnosis . I know it sounds vain but my hair being long enough to go out without a hat helped a lot. It was probably that little bit of normality regained.
I'm now 2 and a half years on from my diagnosis (I was 54 and stage 3)
I do still think about it every day but it it's in the background. I can get on with my life and make plans for the future .....the phrase 'living with cancer' now makes sense to me.
Reading the stories of other ladies here I know there are so many that have been living full lives for many years and that I hope that will help you.
You mention becoming withdrawn and it sounds like you are understandably, depressed.
I think you should speak to your Dr or specialist nurse.
I didn't have counselling at the time but looking back I think I should have tried it. It's certainly helped a lot of ladies here.
Hi SashaYou've already had some wonderful replies, I was a similar age with kids when first diagnosed, am 52 now. That 'detached' feeling is very familiar - for me it started during chemo on those days you can't leave the sofa or your bed and hear family life going on around you. It mixed with the fear of not being here and that's how they'll be when you're gone. I can only say it does pass in time and as others have said finding someone to talk to will help.
My own mum died when I was 23 with brothers aged 21 and 14 - we are all (nearly!!!) normal and that is a huge comfort too - yes it was very sad but it hasn't stopped us from having great memories of her and leading fulfilling lives filled with love. I remind myself of that to help with my fear of not being here for my own children.
I have used a meditation app, less often now, and have learnt to appreciate all that we have in life. Getting outside a lot also helps.
You are not alone in your struggle, so many of us had the same issues. I’ve recomennded this book before but I have no qualms recommending it again. It’s called
“ The Cancer survivor’s companion”. It’s written by Dr. Francis
Goodhart an NHS Consultant psychologist and Lucy Atkins a health writer.
It deals with the emotional fallout of cancer , with tons of advice on how to deal with worry,anxiety, anger, low mood etc.
It gives you tips on how to deal with all these feeling with loads of real life examples of her patients who had the same issues. It really helped me when my treatment ended and is so easy to read and so reassuring. Please get it. (I have no financial stakes in this book 😁) I just live it.
Can I firstly advise you to stop hitting yourself with the 'I know I should be feeling' stick! You have how you ARE feeling to deal with and that's what you need to sort. So give yourself a break and be kind to yourself by pushing those thoughts to one side. ( It takes practice) You are grieving the loss of your life prior to diagnosis, so anger and depression are natural parts of that. For some they work through it themselves others may use medication and also some may use talking therapy. Ovacome can be contacted for help.Once I accepted I couldn't change 'the situation'(that was the diagnosis) it gave me head space to change what I could. With help of various charities that are there for you, your life can be better than it is for you at the moment. Sending a big virtual hug.
Bless your heart. It does get better but can take some time. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through a lot. Completely understand how you’re feeling. I was diagnosed ( with high grade serous stage 3b) almost 4 years ago at age 51. I had surgery first followed by chemo.
Coped ok with it until chemo finished, then it all caught up with me & I really struggled mentally. I had counselling & went to a Macmillan run support group ‘Hope’ ( which I’d recommend if you’re in UK).
Ovacome support will help you too.
I was lucky a good friend of mine is a breast cancer specialist nurse who recommended I read the article ‘ After treatment finishes, then what?’ by Dr Peter Harvey. This article summed up how I felt.
I did end up on Prozac ( prescribed July 2019) & I wished I’d tried it earlier. To begin with I felt very flat but after a month or so started to feel more like the pre cancer me. I’ve recently started to wean myself off them ( with gps consent).
Really hope you find what will help you very soon.
How I feel for you ,I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 3c in 2019 ,I coped well with treatment ,was told no evidence of disease end of 2019 ,but that it would come back , four wonderful positive weeks then I fell apart ,just like you , you've had some really good advice on here so I won't repeat it ,after weeks of misery I had council ling ,I can't say it made everything ok but it helped a lot ,one thing I will repeat is that you are grieving for the life ,stability and peace of mind you had before diagnosis. Please seek counciling and anti depressants if needed ,then you can enjoy your family again. I'm wobbling a bit again and felt detached ,I'd say the scenary is beautiful but didn't feel it ,like I was going through the motions ,I had a Reiki session and felt so much better ,be kind to yourself and do everything to help you ,then you can help others , wishing you well .Cheryl xx
They warn you about depression even if you are doing well. Get help. You deserve it. Don't let it become your new normal. It's a slippery slope.ove from paris
I was exactly like this and went for counselling at the hospital Macmillan Centre. The counselling was good but I think it really got better on it’s own. My GP prescribed antidepressants- I sat and looked at the packet for days before eventually deciding not to take them. From that moment on I got stronger. That was 5 years ago and I have been constantly on treatment. I really think it is some sort of PTSD and I found that taking back some sort of control- even just a tiny decision-got me out of it.
Feelings of anger and depression are very normal. It sucks to get a Ca diagnosis. Maybe a mild antidepressant will help you cope? Many cancer hospitals have support groups which may help. You are certainly not alone in feeling these feelings. Praying for you. 🙏❤️
I was diagnosed with Stage 1C clear cell ovarian cancer last year. I was meant to have chemo, but this had to be cancelled due to a non healing wound after surgery. I also have a high risk of recurrence because of the type of cancer it is. My worry is that it will come back and I’ll be unable to have treatment (the wound is still open after 10 months) I have just had my first session with a clinical psychologist and I’m hoping it will help. I felt a little better even just after the first session. When I realised I needed help I contacted my specialist nurse and she referred me.
With regard to you wound have they put you on a 'Vax ' machine? I had 5 months of an open wound then I think it was about 5 weeks on machine and that did the trick. My scar is a horrible site but it healed. I was under District nurses at home and a 'tissue viability nurse ' Might be worth asking about if they haven't put you on one.
Thanks for replying, I was on a vac machine for about 10 weeks. Most of the wound has healed, but they had to stop using the machine as the wound entry was too small to get the foam in! It was being packed everyday, but the surgeon put a stop to that last week as he felt that may be why it’s not healing. Part of it has closed already and I’m now on weekly check ups, just to ensure nothing is going wrong. After 10 months I don’t know what to do with myself; in a good way!
Hi Sasha, some wonderful replies on here which I've found comforting too. Firstly big hugs because we've all been where u are. I was stage 3c in November 2016 and despite some ups and downs I'm still here kicking and screaming! I also still get angry and ask why me? And then I feel guilty wen other ladies aren't as fortunate as me, which is wen I also say I know I shud b grateful but........Doesn't make it easier tho does it? Sometimes I still have a good cry but honestly if ur struggling, then reach out for help. Are there any local support groups u cud visit where there will b ladies who know exactly how ur feeling? I wish u all the very best xx
Hello Sasha- my aunt who survived colon cancer gave me a strategy for dealing with the cancer- it’s to focus on living in the present- so whenever your mind starts regretting the past- or worrying about the future- reset your mind to live in the present. I wish you well-
Being angry, sad or even accepting the challenge for things that cannot be changed is alll part and parcel of the diagnosis we receive.
To share something with you when I was diagnosed in Dec 2019 the oncologist team who have me the news kept repeating of I understood that it was cancer, he had no nurse apparently they should have one, I had asked my brother to accompany me set extra ears and for fact I had gone from work to get this news I simply said yes I understood what is the next part, see for me it was merely a case of let's get on with it, I don't have kids but I have family and friends and my dog lol.
I have never been negative, yes I have had those thoughts and brushed them as quick as possible am positive my job is challenging and I don't back off from challenges easily, my journey very much me initially I didn't tell everyone just a few and it was weeks rather than day after.
Yes recurrences can happen mine came back in Feb/April 2021 I underwent an operation and did chemo the chemo was not successful and so here I am battling the beast again, I will never give up against the beast.
I think fear factor sometimes gets mixed with negative they are different, we protect either knowingly or unknowingly those around us rather than ourselves. One thing I do know is that talking to someone about what you are going through does help bit that person needs to be someone who understands where you are coming from, in that this group of Teal ladies/warriors are the best, there are challenges and twists and turns along our path but I know that I can speak on here to either update or just give my experiences and the people on here understand what is happening in a minority or cases, I would say to you chat in here never feel bad about that.
Hi Sasha, You’ve had the best advice possible from all those wonderful replies. I found them really helpful too. I was stage 4 when first diagnosed in 2015 and I’m still here, despite one recurrence in 2018.
You’ve been on a huge journey so you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover, physically and mentally. I found chemo very tough. I agree with all the advice that you have been given so hopefully some of it will work for you. Distraction works best for me. That’s partly why I’m not on here too often because, for me, it’s too much of a reminder about it all.
Well, I know it's hard but you have your family to support you and love you and not everyone has that. I look around me and see people worse off (a friend with pancreatic cancer) and it helps me put my diagnosis in perspective. People seem to be getting cancer younger and younger. I called Macmillan and they're really great. Lots of good advice here too. Wishing you all the best. x
I was 46 when diagnosed with stage 3a OvCa in late 2015, and 48 when the recurrence struck in early 2018, albeit without children. I just wanted to add my vote to the other ladies who recommended getting a hold of counsel of some kind to be able and offload some of the pressure and worry outside the family home.
Joining a monthly support group for a time helped me, and so did time; it took me about a year to dig myself out of the initial hole, start breathing easier and dare making longer term plans again. Doesn't feel pre-cancer normal, but definitely more manageable.
I also found my new post-treatment normal isn't able to keep up with my old lifestyle/job, and when my body gets overtaxed, eventually my mind follows and I struggle not so much with keeping up spirits but with managing and staying on top of daily life/tasks. The cure for that is reducing workload/activities.
Will the disease return? Could be, but I'd prefer to be miserable for as short an amount of time as possible.... if and when it happens (again)... and not before . Although... I have to grant myself a short term 'misery allowance' for scan/ca125 checkup time . That's just always always nerve wrecking, no matter what.
Hope your weight will soon lift a little. xx. Maus
So sorry to hear of your diagnosis and so much younger than I was when I was treated. I got diagnosed with ovarian cancer after having bowel cancer and subsequent operation and chemo. I was also grade 3C and am still here 5 years later so hope that gives you something positive to think about. It is very hard mentally to accept a cancer diagnosis but treatments have come a long way in the last few years, new drugs etc. Recurrences, if they happen can be dealt with. Please try and live each day and enjoy your family as there is no reason why you cant still live a good life. Love and all my best wishes to you. x
I am so sorry you are going through this. I has just turned 49 when I was diagnosed just over a year ago. (We don't have children). I had the debulking surgery, then the chemo. I was fine mentally - alert, researching, questioning and challenging the consultants, making sure I was as informed as it was possible to be. Medical staff were agog (and impressed) when I had to update them on my condition and diagnosis - right up until juuuuust after the surgery. After which I crashed, rather spectacularly, into a massive depression. I was going through chemo but in all honesty, would have been quite happy to forego that, I felt so bad mentally. My poor OH would wake me in the morning, and help me downstairs, then I would sit there all day staring into nothing, not communicating, not doing anything, until it was time for bed again. And that carried on for 3 months. [edited by moderator]. I just wanted to wipe out the pain of the diagnosis, the depression, the grief. I felt I was a burden on my Welshman and that he deserved better than me.
The effect that early depression had on me was terrifying. There are enormous chunks of that time last year that I do not remember at all. Entire conversations, meetings with my consultant, visits from the District Nurses - you name it - no memory of it.
Eventually, I was prescribed anti-depressants. The first batch, Sertraline, didn't work for me, and I was swapped to Mirtazapine. This works for me. It doesn't make everything better, but it has allowed me to regain some mental clarity, which in turn has made it somewhat easier to work through some of my feelings about my diagnosis. Have a chat with your doctor. Please don't think of it as 'taking pills', but more as 'regaining yourself'. Mirtazapine is also ever-so-slightly sedative so my Dr told me to take it just before bed, which helps me sleep a little better. Things always seem insurmountable if you're awake and worrying in the wee small hours, so a good night's sleep is crucial.
No-one can tell you how to feel. Please don't beat yourself up for not feeling grateful about the surgery and treatment. Dame Elizabeth Butler-Schloss wrote a book called On Death and Dying, and in it she identified what she called the 5 stages of grief - which are Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 'Grief' can be caused by any number of things - losing a job, the end of a relationship, the death of someone close to you, physical illness, etc. She suggests that the grief journey is not linear - ie it doesn't happen in a nice neat tidy series of emotions, but that you can be going through two or even three of those stages all in one go, and that you can move backwards and forwards through those 5 stages several times before you settle into Acceptance. It's heavy reading as a book, but you might find it helpful to google some more about the stages of grief - subsequent researchers think they have identified a couple of other stages, but you don't need to get into the finer detail if that's too much just now. I think maybe just reading a little about those 5 main stages might help you to identify what you're feeling (though I think you know this already) and how best to cope with that.
I wonder too, if you would benefit from having someone to talk to? A professional counsellor would help you to explore some of what you are feeling, and to talk openly about some of your fears for now and for the future. Your Clinical Nurse Specialist, or Consultant, should be able to refer you to someone quite quickly. I was determined that I would manage on my own, until I realised how unfair I was being to my partner in expecting him to cope with my depression and moods. Talking to a psychologist was very helpful in my understanding of my emotions, helped me talk to my Welshman about how I was/am feeling and generally anchored me in safe harbour emotionally until I was able to captain my own boat, in choppier waters, as it were.
I feel a bit better now. The diagnosis hasn't changed, but my attitude has. The anti-depressants and counselling have helped. My Welshman has helped (more than he will ever know!). Coming here and to another forum to ask questions (and occasionally to try and answer some) has helped.
You're not on your own. There are women here of all ages, with and without families, going through every possible combination of ovarian cancers and complications and treatment and emotions you can think of. We're all warriors in our own way, and you are too. xx
Hi Sasha, so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I was 43 with 2 children aged 12 and 9 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 high grade serous ca. I was also told my ca would very likely return by my oncologist which was devastating, however I had a second opinion which said to the contrary. I am very pleased to say that I almost 6 years on and it hasn’t recurred which I am incredibly grateful for. I hope this gives you some comfort but as others have said do look into counselling for yourself to help you deal with the rollercoaster of emotions. I have found that time has been a good healer although what I think what I’ve been through will always be a part of me. I hope you will start to feel a little better soon. With very best wishes, Jo 💕xx
Thank you for your post. I am very sorry to read how you have been feeling recently. I can see all the very helpful and supportive replies that you have had from members of our forum community sharing their own experiences and highlighting many different sources of support. I just wanted to add some further information which may also be helpful.
If counselling is something that you would like to explore, there are a number of cancer support charities who may offer counselling or may be able to give you information about local counselling services. These include Maggie’s centres maggies.org/ and other information and support cancer centres such as Macmillan information and support centres macmillan.org.uk/. Please do let me know if you would like me to find your nearest cancer support centre.
A number of members have also suggested speaking to your clinical team or GP for support. They may also be able to refer you to local counselling services. If you would like to look into counselling privately, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a list of therapists: bacp.co.uk/about-us/home/
Please know that we are here to support you and our support service team is here if you would ever like to talk things through. Here is a link to some more information about our support services at Ovacome: ovacome.org.uk/Pages/Catego... . This includes information about the support groups that we hold. If you would be interested in finding out more about these, please don’t hesitate to get in touch as we would be very happy to answer any questions that you may have. Our support services are available Monday – Friday 10am – 5pm and you can contact us by calling 0800 008 7054, by emailing support@ovacome.org.uk or by sending us an instant message through our website.
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. Although... I have to grant myself a short term 'misery allowance' for scan/ca125 checkup time 
. That's just always always nerve wrecking, no matter what.
34 years old, no children! only treatment is Hysterectomy? Help!
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Stage 4a cancer has recurred
