I still Smile

This is a poem I wrote in the wee small hours of the morning.

Sitting all alone,while others are asleep

With nothing to keep me company but,my thoughts which are so deep.

The pain reminds me I am up,and no sleep for me tonight,

I try to keep the cancer out with my strength and all my might.

I was never given those words before so,I wasn't sure how to react,

Your Ovarian advanced stage four Mrs H ,so,now you'll deal with that!

So I looked into the mirror,which was placed upon the wall.

I looked with eyes which were confused as,I couldn't see cancer at all.

My colour hadn't changed,my smile was still intact,nope,there was no sign of cancer there and that's an honest fact.

But down the road and some time later,the chemo did kick in.

I lost my hair,gained some weight and felt no longer feminine.

Though there were people were saying,"Mrs H isn't ill at all,she is pulling a fast one and we don't like that at all"!

I don't look ill,I am not very thin,I still laugh and chat and dance,

I have even been seen strolling ,holding my husbands hand..

I had twelve sessions of chemo and,twelve sessions of maintenance too but,the cancer keeps on coming back,so what's a girl to do??!!

So ,now I have a wheelchair,for if I tire while out walking,

will that make people happy,to see the cancers showing?!

I feel sad,defeated and broken on days I let cancer in,

But then I try to push it out and start my day again.

It's a story of many others,and, some they live with fear,

so just because we look so well,doesn't mean we don't shed a tear.

My cancer,My story,it's as individual as me,and what I choose to do with it

Should be plain for all to see.!

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12 Replies

  • That is really beautiful, Annie, also a very constructive thing to do instead of letting those dark thoughts get to you. I hope you have been able to get out the past few days in the dry weather. Nice to see the daffs coming up Spring has arrived and we are still here. Brought one of the doggies for a walk yesterday as needed to post a letter, he stopped in the middle of the main road when crossing and had an old scratch oblivious to the traffic. He is clean but just has this habit when walking.

  • Wouldn't it be great to be just like the doggie,have an aul scratch in public oblivious to our surroundings,that's what it's all about ha ha.yes had a few walks the past few days,it's been glorious.Daffs are out and bluebells not far from flowering.

  • Hi Annie .. I loved this poem. It is true that some people have no understanding of this disease and of how difficult it is to live with. It's sad that there needs to be visible changes (other than age) to help people be a little kinder.

    If people don't understand though, I like to think it's out of ignorance rather than cruelty. Still, I know how hurtful it can be feeling the isolation it can bring.

    My grandfather used to say that we shouldn't think too deeply at night. We can't count our blessings in the dark. I worry mostly if I wake up at night so I think of what he said and try to distract myself. Xxxx

  • Hi Tina that is really nice and I must try and remember it. I would worry if I woke up so asked for sleeping tablets. I would rather lie on the sofa to rest than go to bed during the day because my thoughts would be numerous. Regards

  • Beautiful poem Annie

    So true x

  • Annie your poem says everything that is so true. We don't look ill, we're battling this nasty disease which I have to say leaves me in bewilderment as I never knew I was seriously ill.

    Much love, Michelle xx

  • How creative it's sums most of us up

  • Thanks ladies,much appreciated xxxx

  • Really lovely , enjoyed very much , it's like you custom wrote that poem for our group. This disease has a way of isolating us and your poem really summed up our emotions . Well done and thanks for sharing

  • Thanks ladies much appreciated.xx Sitting here now,12.15 am,nausea and sweating from the new treatment!our 2 little granddaughters had a sleepover here last night,even though they are only 2 doors up from us,they haven't had a sleepover due to either me not feeling well or them not feeling well,but it all came together last night.Forgot that they love having a full blown conversation at 6.30am !!! Ha ha.

  • Hi Annie, I have just read your poem .What a lovely way to express the feelings of everyone who has cancer, You have a talent,so hope you will feel well enough to create some more poetic thinking. Hugs from me to you. GILLIAN X.

  • Thanks Gillian,will wait for another sleepless night to write again ha ha xxx

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