🐘🐘 Elephants in my room 🐘🐘

[IrishMollyO]

I wrote this mangled verse today to take my mind off things and to try to explain the real feelings of those of us who live with this disease.

My world goes on , you look away

It won't be real, if you don't say

I look so good , but inside I break

How many hours, have I spent awake ?

2

I'm scared as hell , my temp will climb

I know it can happen anytime

It's seventh day , and danger zone

And I have never, felt so alone

3

You all called me , one by one

I have to agree, that life is fun

No gloomy word, will pass my lips

A " heroine " right down to her fingertips !

4

You know I always try to hide

The worry that is deep inside

That false smile , is full of lies

My acting surely, deserves a prize

5

And so my loved ones , look with care

You'll see them running everywhere

I'm not alone, with this gloom and doom

Cos I have elephants in my room !

[Juliette35]

What a lovely poem molly and so true. That is exactly how we feel. Thankyou for sharing it

Julie xx

[IrishMollyO in reply to Juliette35]

Thanks Julie

I am feeling particularly rotten today and couldn't go outside on this lovely day . Just feeling sorry for myself I suppose . Not sure if my hair is telling me it's going to fall ! Nobody seems to know with carbo only but suddenly it feels very dry., Plus one of my friends said last night if I wanted anything before she went golfing to let her know. All I wanted was the newspaper but I expected her to do it without me asking.! That all sounds very selfish of me and I gave myself a good talking to ! Hence the poem !

[Juliette35 in reply to IrishMollyO]

You are not selfish, but I understand what you mean. My sister says to me (if I am having a bit of a bad day) think positive and stop having negative thoughts. So that verse you wrote was spot on . Sending you big hugs xxx

[IrishMollyO in reply to Juliette35]

So easy for people to say think positive Juliette. They mean well but when experts say it I really want to scream !

XXX

[Dollysmum in reply to Juliette35]

Oh don't you just love the 'think positive' brigade! The same people faced with this disease would likely crumble into a heap.

My eldest sister who has been marvellous thus far, said that I'm to put things out of my mind now and 'move forward'. She means well and probably worrying that I'm dwelling too much. I am. But how does one stop it?

Anyway, what other direction would I be moving in?

Dear oh dear.

[Dollysmum in reply to IrishMollyO]

HIya Molly,

Sorry you aren't feeling so good. It will pass mate.

People are strange when faced with cancer. They really don't know what to do for the best and it's easy to misinterpret good intentions when you feel like pants.

I think hair goes thinner on Carbo. But I would give it an extra thick dollop of conditioner anyway. How long is it? You could go for a pixie cut - hair being like a plant, thickens up with a shorter cut. Mine has taken on the appearance of stuffing out of an old couch - it's growing really weird.😞

I hope those elephants aren't making a mess.. 😼

Debs xxx

[Hairlessbeauty in reply to IrishMollyO]

You are not selfish at all. I was 8n your shoes last year. I've lost some friends, u gained new. I didn't like to ask. If asked, I felt guilty. People didn't understand us, out needs. I know they want good sometimes, but you know yourself, sometimes we just don't won't to ask.

I was very sick, I'm better now. I have started a website hairlessbeauty.ie where you can read my blog, my story through cancer journey but also I supply headwear for Ladies like us. If I can be any help, I'm here. Take care, chin up. You will get better!! Xx

[kittie]

MollyO, Every word you wrote is so true ,I feel you are writing about me. My husband says I now have two faces one for inside and one for outside only he knows or thinks he knows what I am going through. You are a very poetic person keep writing because it will give us all something to look to. Kittie.

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Kittie

We are all somehow bound together because of this disease . You can see from reading posts how our thoughts and fears almost become like just one persons thoughts. Of course there are many women who have partners who totally understand. I think it must take a supreme effort to totally empathise . It is good that you have someone. Take care

XXX

[Hidden]

Thanks Molly O for this really appreciate it hope you are doing okay and that the elephants are disappearing

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

Hi Suzuki

Apart from a bloaty pain in my tummy that may fly me to the ceiling any second now, I am not too bad. Stayed in today but I have to leave the house tomorrow.

The problem with my elephants and probably everyone else's is that we women can see them but nobody' else can ! You could probably say that I am trying to raise awareness of elephants in the room ! You know the way people skirt around the cancer word and will talk about anything but that word . At least that is my experience . I'm going to bed now after I have seen Sky headlines. Thanks for your kind words.

XXX

[Hidden in reply to IrishMollyO]

HI Molly O I hope you got out today. I totally agree with you, at times I think my family wear blinkers and my friends. I have some who are supportive and some who dont even want to go there. I was always the reliable one in the family and still looked upon as reliable although some days I feel frail. No one wants to acknowledge that but I think most people get the same reaction. My onc put my hubby in his place yesterday very subtle. Hubby was on about the thunder and they were discussing the weather and my hubby said oh if you were in a pub you couldnt hear the thunder. So my onc turned his back to hubby and turned to me and said well how is the patient? I think that was telling hubby I was the one with a problem and not him. I was laughing. So yes hubby was the elephant in the room haha. Today had a wet start but its okay this afternoon, all the best

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

Hi Suzuki

I finally got out in the afternoon and did loads of bits. You sound like you could be my sister. The go to person ! I was feeling a bit better today as I got more sleep thanks to my magic pill. I am just in and unpacking and then after it will be feet up for the Rose! I think we should all put a book together about things not to say to your loved one with Cancer. It could be funny but still get the message across !

XXX

[Hidden in reply to IrishMollyO]

Yes that would be a very good idea. Maybe Emma Hannigan could help us out??? I hope you are enjoying the Rose, they are rather entertaining this year. I went to the shopping centre in the afternoon for a few things as well. I have to get back walking as the weight is increasing but am confined at the moment until physio gives okay. Had my dexa scan this morning and radiographer wasnt very forthcoming but did agree left hip in trouble but not from radiation so that is something. Its same as D osteopenia so gp will have report in two weeks lets hope and I will take it from there. I am convinced that the chemo and steroids doesnt do us any favours in that dept

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

Hi Suzuki

I was thinking more of a joint effort between all of us in Ovacome and Ovacare. It would be good therapy for everyone and who has more experience than any of us ? Of course it would have to be well edited and and professional in its finish . It would just be a gathering of ideas from everyone first . It has probably already been done by the ICS anyway ! We have such a wealth of experience between us.

I never had a Dexa scan done . Should I have had one ? Perhaps it's just for post radiation . I should definitely be walking too but right now I won't worry about weight.Maybe I am just lazy.

I do agree with you about chemo. However as its a means to an end we persevere. One day we all hope cancer and chemo will be just a bad dream from the past. I for one am so glad to get a chance to live.,

I am enjoying the Roses. Very entertaining

Take care

XXX

[Hidden in reply to IrishMollyO]

That is true, its the bigger picture that counts, not the aches and pains we suffer. That is a brilliant idea I wonder how this could be sorted. I dont think the ICS has a publication on that aspect of stuff but will google and see. Okay lets see if any of the ladies on site have anything to say on what not to say!!!!!

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

Hi Suzuki

No deadlines . Yet. We just take our time and slowly come up with the ideas. I don't want to step on anyone's toes if it's already been done. I do think the subject has come up before. A lot of women will have the same points. I wonder if there is a cartoonist amongst us ? I really see a need for it. I know the ICS covers the subject but in a very serious official way and I would never ask my relatives to read it. They would just run for cover

I just walked to the shops on this beautiful day. I feel so much better than Mon and ready for my bus journey tomorrow.

XXX

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

The other thing I forgot to mention is permission would need to be got from both Ovacome and Ovacare as they or other women might not like to use them as a platform to gather ideas . There may be a rule that forbids it.

XXX

[Hidden in reply to IrishMollyO]

Well it would depend on what we intended to do with the book once compiled and published, If profits made are shared between both groups it might be favourable.

[IrishMollyO in reply to Hidden]

Hi Suzuki

You are flying ahead of me there. I have just got back home on a really long bus journey and not on the luxury bus I had planned but on a shaky Bus Eireann bus that stopped in every town and village on the way . I got a call from the hospital while I was on the bus asking me to have a blood test done tomorrow at another hospital. But as I was going near my own one I arranged to go there at 6 this evening when I arrived. It appears if my blood is ok they will increase the Carbo dose. Finally walked in the door here at half eight having left Dublin at one. Tomorrow I have to go to my GP for prescription. Will PM you over next few days if that is ok. Hope you are well yourself. Take care

XXX

[alnovca]

Great poem. Wishing you many blessings! xxx

[IrishMollyO in reply to alnovca]

Thanks very much. And for your blessings . I need them

XXX

[annieH1]

Molly,that should be published! Very emotive and real life for us who see those bloody elephants on a daily basis.Well done xxx

[IrishMollyO in reply to annieH1]

Thanks AnnieH

You are so kind. It's just one of those things i do when I am emotional or upset . It just helps me process things. I don't think the major poets need have any fear ! Hope you are doing well.

I had a fairly good day today thanks to all the encouragement and advice on this site . I don't know what I would have done without it.

XXX

[HogwartsDK]

Hey Molly!

I see your creative juices are really flowing! I hope you aren't feeling too bad!

Mind yourself!

Dx

[IrishMollyO in reply to HogwartsDK]

Hi D

Thanks very much

Today was so much better than yesterday thanks to everyone on this site who spurred me on . I even ventured out today and that went as planned. I hope I didn't attract any strange germs on the way ! Take care

XXX

[annieH1]

Isn't it amazing how conscious we become regarding health and hygiene! I carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer everywhere.I never touch handles on public loos in hotels etc,I never touch elevator buttons bare hand.I veer away from coughers and sneezers! I always sanitize my hands after accepting change.its a nightmare but self preservation.

Hmm what don't I like to hear regarding my. Illness from a loved one,There are soooo many! Hope your feeling a bit lighter today and enjoyed the Roses!

Goal for my day; to eat or drink a little more,as my appetite is very poor and I'm losing a lot of weight!

What's your goal for today?

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Annie

It's a beautiful day and my last day in the city as I go back to the country tomorrow. My hand sanitizer was fine until the top broke off in my bag and my bag is now a sticky mess inside ! I put off cleaning it out until today. I need to ring my CNS to ask her about my B12 results . I was told to stay on them for life years ago and suddenly she was looking suspiciously at them as if they were some random herb or vitamin I am taking on a whim . I find both her and the oncologist intimidating .

Yea I did enjoy the Roses and the winner was so elegant . I love looking at all the style and dreaming of days that one of the dresses might fit me . I have the opposite problem to you . See food and grow !

I am feeling much better today. I still wouldn't run a marathon but thank God to be alive.

XXX