Letting people down is second nature has been for 20 years now, latest episode has to have been the worst.
Obsessive thoughts about a baby I will never have and an abortion I did have messed up the whole weekend. It's not the first time, but first time I am opening up and probably to the wrong people.
Not dealing with my thoughts well I tried to blot them out with alcohol and pushed everyone away.
I want to die and give everyone peace but i am too cowardly and a burdon to them.
So lost and at the end.
Written by
Lucy131619
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You are worthy of goodness. Please be gentle with yourself. I know the feeling of letting people down, letting myself down,... but those can be such lies of the depression. We deserve to live and it just sucks how we are suffering but things do turn around. Stay strong, beautiful. ❤️ (((((((Lucy)))))))) ❤️
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Having an abortion may well have been the best option for you then. It's not something you should blame yourself for.
I had in my forties to get used to not having children. It hurt, but I've come through it. So can you.
It's a rare person who doesn't mess up and let people down! It's so easy to wallow in your own sense of your own inadequacy. But I'm sure you've had successes as well as failures in your life. People boasting about what high-achieving successes they are often aren't. People believing themselves to be failures have often had more success that they realize.
Don't drink to blot things out. It doesn't help. Alcohol is a depressant and makes you feel worse, and doesn't do your liver much good either. Antidepressants may help to lift you out of the worst of how you're feeling, but CBT is also good. Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert and other self-help books can teach you the techniques.
It doesn't have to stay this way. Many people have felt as bad as you do, and have come through it. Perhaps put down in writing a list of the good stuff in your life, the things you have to be grateful for, and the good qualities you know deep down that you have.
Everyone has feelings of letting others down and regrets about how they've behaved. I certainly have. Nobody ever gets by without making mistakes! Learn from them, don't beat yourself up about them, and learn that you deserve a fair break, not least from your own self!
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False memories ruining my life ( this is just one false memory that is really effecting me) 
OCD and loss of too much weight, very anxious and depressed
Ocd sexual thoughts about other people
Contamination OCD 
Do I have OCD? Am I Bipolar? What's Wrong With Me?