I am facing this type of problem from 1.5 years and next year I am going to college, and the thought about it is killing as I will see only new faces but before it I was so excited about college. People say college friends and life is the best, but in my case even if I get great friends, my mind will ruin it. I still have 6 months left for college. I want to get rid off this nightmare. If anyone would have said I am gay or bi before 1.5 years, I would have laughed it off but now even thinking about people gives me anxiety. i don't know what to do. I don't want to become gay or bi ever. Wish I would have never known this types of things.
My mind is also like that you are in denial or realizing that you are not straight. I want things to become normal again. I don't have guts to look g porn because 1. I worry that what if I get aroused. 2. Even if I don't, I will get disgusted and my mind will always show me that image. HOCD is killing. Even before puberty I had crush on girls, now its like I am supressing myself. I know about ERP but I don't want to share this with my friends or family and also worried that it will create images and audios in my mind.
Before Hocd, I thought I will be in touch with all of my friends after marriage. Now I don't want to even talk with them because hocd tells go have them. Everything is ruined, I cant concentrate on studies. The thing is before hocd I don't even knew that someone can actually be gay. I thought their actions are like gay, they aren't actually so I used to hang out with anyone. Now when I meet any person, my mind is like check if you are aroused or not, ITS NOW AUTOMATIC,
I remember when I saw male models, either I was like meh or I was like " Oh, I wish I too had that body or face." When ever I am ok( that rarely happens for like 30 minutes at max) and convinced I am not gay or bi, my mind always remind then why are those people like this and then whole cycle starts again. Please help me. I will update more symptoms and my condition as soon as anyone replies.
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17 Replies
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Thanks ! This gave me some relief, but my mind is always boggled. I don't have mental peace from anything, whenever I see a cute girl my mind is like now its time to look a guy(like wtf), what if I became gay or bi in future.I don't get that what do you mean by "accept" it, that I am gay or bi, that's horrifying or do you mean by accepting be like "yeah whatever" and get distracted. Now mind tells me you will not able to live with a girl after marriage, it kills me. I didn't even found boys attractive and I thought I should appreciate them too but now see what has happened. I am in so much pain. Just hoped I didn't even knew these things. HOCD has taken my life, I just want this to go and be like before. Should I try gay porn to check, my mind always tells me to go check it but I am scared very much from it.
Thanks! I know I will never check that out, its disgusting and I get what are you saying about arousal, that causes because of anxiety, it has happened to me and I am like wtf, it didn't happened before HOCD. I think I am suffering this type OCD because I don't even knew a person can actually be gay or bi and thought it just like a slang but still I was never ever aroused by anything, I still don't have any idea what makes them gay and I don't want to know that either. I also thought that sexuality is stable, but then I read some articles it said its fluid and even a article about a woman who liked boys from start but became lesbian in her early 30s, ruined her husband(he was her best friend before dating) life and also remember FRIENDS's Ross's first wife , what if I became one of them. I don't want to become gay or bi, I am so much scared.
I get what you are saying now, but again my HOCD now tells me you were bi and you are realizing this now, this freaked the hell out of me,
How can I be sure that I am not bi, I mean I don't know what type of attraction you are saying because people find same gender attractive too, so its kind of confusing.
Before HOCD, I never thought of this type of shit thing and never ever looked any male how they look like the we all look at girls.
And yeah and from very young age I also had a boner by looking a girl, I remember her(not that much sexy now but still can be considered sexy) and I was like why is my pipi standing :"D when I thought about her at home afterwards and still I have never been aroused by any type of guy.
Whenever I check out a girl then my mind is like now compare her with a man. :""((((( It says you will end up with a man and you will like it, this too freaks me. The thing is I don't want to. Yes, I accept that I am not good with girls and have fun with my friends better, but this happens with like almost all people and still I had girl crushes and I want to improve it.
HOCD also tells me about my friends too, that is why I don't want to hang out with them now.
This helped me so much. Although, I don't remember I have ever found a man who I find was sexually attractive( I don't understand how are they sexually attractive). But one day, I was watching The wolf of the wall street, and there was this gay scene where in background(not the main gay character), that made me somewhat aroused(idk if it was because of that man acting like a woman or if it was because of that particular man) and I don't even know that I was aroused or not, it was 3 years ago, so I am taking this as a what if I was, this thing basically has ruined my mind so much that is the biggest reason why I have thoughts of checking g porn came to my mind before.
Can you tell me about yourself, have these type of stuff happened with you too?
No, I am not in any therapy and I had rather cure myself with self-help book, but I am also worried that if I challenged those thoughts what if the images too mess with my mind and it will be there forever.
Thanks sis! It's great that you defeated another monster like HOCD, hope you will be ok from emetophobia too. But the thing that is bothering me is pedophilia is illegal and no one wants to do it which weakens the POCD, I think and same in case of emetophobia but in HOCD, 4-5% of world who are lgbtqi+ and they embrace it like they have achieved something, which pisses my mind too and media shows like they are 40% but still it feeds HOCD and it has its effect on me, in case of POCD no child will come to you to do dirty stuff, but this is not true in case of homos. This also scares me. Before HOCD my life was so good, actually no worries but now
The most horrifying parts are that it tells me to live with my friends, I will never able to live with a girl even the idea of my crush is not making those thoughts go away and tells me that you will not be fine with her, before HOCD I just wanted her( I want her now too), even if I get no gfs but wanted her as a wife but see now :"(
But I think in the end I have to tell all that thoughts "fuck off" you are just thoughts and engage in other activities, but my question is when I am free and think about my life these thoughts can again strike me, then what will I do?
I scare these thoughts will scare me forever, my college life, job life , social life, personal life all ruined and the worst I become that shit( I know you said, now it isn't possible, but still). :"(
So how much time will it take? Can you tell me exact details how you did it and for how much times in a day, which books did you used?
I have got to focus on my academics too, its very hard and also that you said about comparing both genders, its now like automatic, I can't help it, it automatically checks that is one of the most annoying parts of this HOCD.
From 3 months I haven't studied even for one hour, my academics are degrading so much because there is now No motivation for college and only fear thinking about the future because of this shitty thing, I just wish this thing just disappear before I get into any college or else my life will be doomed.
So what about your POCD, are you 100% cured, how many times they come in a hour and how you manage it?
Great that you are cured. But I am worried that after CBT or ERP what if I started to like those thoughts, didn't you worried about it too before doing these techniques??
Thank you sister! This helped so much.
Have great life ahead.
Hey! Last month, my HOCD fluctuated, sometimes it was like 10-15% cured sometimes it was 5-10% increased, so I guess that maybe I am improving at a slow rate. I want to know that, can I train myself in a way so that these type of thoughts never come like before HOCD and even if I will kick them out in a sec.
How is your emetophobia?
Good that yours is too getting better. I want to ask that if you don't mind, previously whenever lesbian type things came to your mind, how EXACTLY you managed it?
( I know you will say you just leave them, but they bother me so much that my subconscious mind automatically acts on them)
See, before HOCD, I thought none of the people actually want to do that type of things, these gay, lesbian are just slangs. So it was kind of a shield whenever(rarely) those come to my mind, as it is gone now. I am so much insecure.
I get what you are saying about that attractive man thing, as I have done this and it was good, but then my mind started to give more types of thoughts just to annoy me. I mean its like "Oh this didn't gave you anxiety, lets get you to some other situation." Just think it will ultimately lead to the most disgusting thing.
For example, imagine your enemy wants to annoy you no matter what, he throws many types of different things, just to ruin the mind. Hope you get it.
I know you didn't suffer from HOCD which is great but lesbian thoughts can come up anytime, how did you react on it?
I hangout with friends but manytimes in between these disgusting thoughts started to appear, just imagine here are my friends chilling and I am here trying control my thoughts, such a nightmare.
See there's a another thing, please don't mind me. So before HOCD, I didn't have any that type of thoughts but it did have with women that I were related to, it was such a bad thing, but automatically it was detoriating as I was also becoming more mature, so I didn't stressed much.
You also said that do things you are afraid of doing, so yeah, I have done this too and same thing happened, when I patted on their back. Then my mind was again like "You seem ok but now pat on their butt(even writing this feels so much gross) then I get confused and its like an urge to pat on their... I think MAYBE CBT or ERP is not working on me.
That's why I am asking you can I just make the thoughts go and never comeback? Like I used to be before HOCD.
I hangout with my friends, I have no problem in it, but then these intrusive thoughts comes again and again, as nowadays I play badminton with them, 65-70% time these thoughts are ignored or you can say they do not come, but when they come and they come automatically for example when the players fell,etc which starts to disturb me.There are constant urges to look at their butts and also verify and this happens everyday when I go to play, so nothing is changing for me. But I don't even want this stuff to happen.
NOTE: I have a habit of thinking any bad consequences that can happen from early teenage years, I think thats why I got HOCD. You remember I told you I thought no one is actually an lgbt, its just a slang and no one wants to do it and science too supports that so I didn't stressed about it but still I was never attracted to males nor I am now, don't even know how a man finds another sexually attractive and don't want to know and thought women find men attractive and vice-versa because what nature intended it and was actually happy thinking about this beautiful thing, and gave some other sayings like opposite attracts and same repels type stuff.
Please tell my how to control this urge of compulsions.
And by accepting these thought you mean accept them in a way that they just came and doesn't mean anything, right? I do this but then again, cycle starts again.
I told you that there is not even a therapist in my city, forget about OCD therapist.
I have made a deadline that I will get rid off HOCD till April 30, can I?
Repeat I can't do CBT or ERP because of the above reason and can't I get rid from hocd without these things because
1. I don't want to make a big fuss about this because I don't want to remember all my life that I needed mental medication because I thought that I was lgbt, if it was of something other, say PTSD because of an accident then MAYBE ok, still not sure though.
2. I am scared too that what if I start to like them and relate to them ( I know a part of ERP is read come out stories but what if anyone's story is exactly like mine, then?)
I don't want to be lgbt and I'd rather be an asexual than a lgbt though do not want any of this happen to me.
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Another thing, this is something very vague because it is irritating me very much, I know I am straight and most times my mind is convinced too i.e when HOCD doesn't strikes. But one day I was watching a movie where I liked the actress very much and didn't like the male who is actually good looking and famous too, like everyone, but then a weird though comes like, "why you don't like male? You should, love everyone." Then I say "What? First of all I don't want to, second I love them but not that way, like all other people besides its unnatural or abnormal too." But then mind says "but there are some who do and are feeling good" then I say "ok maybe they do, but I don't want to". But this point doesn't do anything good. And, when I try to ignore these thoughts, the my mind is like " you are ignoring because you are a or can be." I know this doesn't make any sense but it is irritating me so much. Basically I think it wants an actual logical or biological reason than just feeling reason, I know this is a small thing but sometimes it leads to HOCD cycle again as sometimes its like I am just running from the truth that I am gay or bi then again compulsions . Can you give any any advice or a reason on this? and advice on compulsions.
Waiting for your reply.
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Well, about your anxiety technique I actually liked that technique, " Next time I can simply acknowledge it and laugh about it and I should resist the need to verify my doubts because it doesn't make me feel better." Then my mind says "no matter how bad you feel, you are resisting to verify because you will be attracted," What can I say in my defense here? Do you have any advice?
Because I am not attracted, if this happened before HOCD. I would have laughed about it and said no one is actually or wants to be then why would I? But this shield is broken, I am vulnerable.
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One more thing, before HOCD i.e when I didn't know someone can actually be lesbian or gay, whenever something triggered my mind, I used to tell no one actually is and I was never aroused and was rather disgusted.
But now after knowing that some people are actually, my mind says that "You weren't aroused because you thought no one can be, now you are actually aroused."
What is your view on it?
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I realize that I am bothering you too much, but I am in bad state, I just want last thing from you , just help me by replying my last 4 replies by reading thoroughly then I will be on my way.
Sorry for any problems and Thanks actually, you have helped and I cannot deny it.
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