This is my first time reaching out for information and help from the community. I am totally new here. So, I will explain my story. I had a boyfriend that I was dating for a year and half, but we've known each other for longer period. He treated me as his sister at the beginning and after that we fell deeply in love. Anyway, we were together and then things start falling apart, I wanted to break up and I wasn't able to do it for half a year. I still loved him a lot, but I didn't think that we are meant to be together, plus he was divorced with a child, 8 years older than me, I didn't want to disappoint my mother, so I wanted a break up. He didn't agreed to it, wanted to stay together, he was always around me, hanging around with my friends, crying and making drama, he was threatening that he will do suicide if I leave him and even tried to do it once.. I was going through hell honestly. I didn't feel like I have a way out, it was terrible. I went to psychologist once.. However, I decided to run away, so I went to live abroad. When I came in this new country I met someone after a month and we started living together soon after. I don't think that I had enough time to properly recover from the emotional and psychological chaos. After a while, the name of my ex start appearing in my head, little by little. Now, for some period already I can't stop this thought. It is even the first thought that I have in my mind when I wake up.. It makes me feel awful, I don't want his name to appear in my head, I want to move on with my life, not thinking about the past anymore, but it feels impossible. This thought just makes me feel unhappy all the time. I tried not to fight the thought thinking that it will just past with time passing, tried convincing myself and telling myself that it is all over, the damage is done, that I live better now, I try to make kind of reality checks, trying to be present in the moment all the time, so that my mind doesn't fly away, I tried everything but it is still the same. His name just comes to my head on an everyday basis. I can not talk with my current boyfriend about it, I am so confused with a lot of negative emotions, like there is no way out. I don't know if I still love my ex boyfriend, maybe I still haven't totally forgotten him, I don't know if I love my current boyfriend. It happens that I am with him and the name of my ex bf comes to my head and I feel terrible, I feel like I am getting crazy. I was thinking that maybe I should try and attend a cognitive behavioral psychology therapy. I will highly appreciate any kind of advice or opinion that might help.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I am sorry if I bothered someone with my long text.
Take care all of you!
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peacefullmind
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I can't make a diagnosis, but consider that you may have a bit of PTSD. That is quite an ordeal you went through, with him stalking and harassing you and using emotional blackmail on you. I'm not surprised if you still feel the bruises from it.
It may well be that you had a lucky escape from someone who, at least after your break up, treated you very badly.
It's normal to have feelings of 'if only it could have worked out' when you think of ex-partners. But mostly we move on in due course, and are able to form new relationships. It sounds as though you're very confused about your feelings, both for you ex and for your current partner. Could it be that your ex's behaviour put a lot of guilt on you for breaking up with him, guilt you shouldn't have to bear?
There's likely to be regret and heartache, at least on one side, when a break up occurs. But a relationship can't function unless both partners are in it willingly. I take it that you were very young when you got together with your ex. Nice though it is to meet the love of your life when you are very young and stay together, it doesn't always happen, and you broke up with him because you're weren't happy with him. And his behaviour was so difficult to deal with that you felt you had to leave the country.
Don't let this ex pursue you with guilt you don't need to feel. It could well be worth getting some CBT so that you can think back clearly and without regret about this ex. Then perhaps you can also clarify how you feel about this new man in your life. He could be just a rebound relationship, since you met soon after and moved in so quickly, or he could turn out to be the one for you. But however you decide, don't let your ex fill you with guilt.
Sally, I think you nailed it in response to this young lady; obsessing about one’s ex following a trauma can surely be symptom of PTSD as you suggested.
I can relate to her... many years ago I fled my hometown to escape a very abusive boyfriend, but I became obsessed with memories of him and his bad behaviour towards me. It affected all future attempts to find love and happiness. I felt so ‘ruined’ and unworthy. To this day (50 years later!) I still ruminate over his affect on me and I still wish I had never met him.
I agree that CBT just might be the ticket. Thanks for your compassionate insight.
I also think this young lady needs some time alone to reflect on what she wants from a man. I agree that this new man may be a rebound guy who offers some comfort in a new country. I suggest she go it alone for awhile.
Thank you for giving me your opinion. And yes, you are completely right about the quilty feeling. I have had this feeling since I know for myself, starting with my family at home, I was always feeling quilty because I was hiding something (smooking weed was and still is a secret for my family) and than with my ex who was constantly making me feel quilty that I don't love him back enough but moreover that I am causing him pain and hurt and maybe somehow I am still having this awful feeling. On the other side, cambrigdeborn, this is getting worse towards my current bf. I am thinking of my ex when I see him, I start thinking of him even when we make love, I have again this guilty feeling that I am hurting him and being a liar cos I can not tell him how I feel and think- and I don't want to hurt him at all.. I was thinking to be myself for a while as well. Maybe that will help.
It sounds as though your ex is a needy, manipulative and abusive man. I think that you're well out of that relationship. Leave him in the past and don't let him continue to make you feel guilty. No regrets about leaving him! Put it down to experience and move on.
Of course do what's best for you as far as your current partner goes.
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