I have now suffered with OCD for 20 years. It get worse every year, I hate it and it rules my life. You would probably never guess I had it and I certainly don’t share it with anyone other than those close to me. I am afraid of it, of having it and how it controls me. I am not depressed but I get anxious, have panic attacks and have now began to avoid certain situations.
My biggest problem is to leave things, finish things. Like walking out of a room, walking away from a place I’ve been etc. It has becoming very debilitating as I can’t walk away from where I’ve been standing. I’ve stood/sat in the same position for hours. This makes me feel so uncomfortable and I can put up with a lot. But it makes me miserable. Sometime people have started asking me if I’m ok. I laugh, say yes but I just want to walk back to where I was and do it again. I almost missed my flight home not long ago because I wanted to go back and do it again, walk on the same bit again with a better thought. If I don’t get to do that the pull is soooo strong and this lead to massive, sickness and diarrea provoking panic attacks. I almost called myself an ambulance. Now I am worried this will happen again so have spent the last year avoiding repeat occurrences. Almost every step I take i have to think about and it has to go well or I do it again. I’m starting to begin to struggle with life...like I said I don’t feel depressed, I just feel trapped!
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bomba1
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Hi Bomba - Are you taking some type of medication for OCD? It seems like that would help with the degree of anxiety and obsessions you're having.
Hi there, thanks for replying. No, I’m not currently taking anything as I did once and I felt very odd and not myself at all when I took Citalipram (I’m not sure how to spell it). I have been prescribed protananol (also not sure how to spell it) but I take that to help slow my racing heart rate down as and when I need it.
One of my fears is going to the doctors, so getting help is tricky as I make an app and then don’t go. Which gets me all anxious again, it’s like a circle and I feel that there’s no help.
They say that there is help for people with mental health issues but when I say I can’t attend an app they’re like well that’s it then. If I had a physical disability I’m sure they would help me or have a home visit but it’s like me problem doesn’t matter or that I should just pull myself together and get myself there. If I could do that, I wouldn’t need to have the app. Really struggling and don’t know where to turn.
It sounds very much like some of the OCD things I have. I often feel I haven't done something 'correctly' and want to retrace my steps with a better thought, as you say. I've often felt that it's like a length of strong elastic pulling me back.
I'm interested about what you say below in your reply, about doctors. In the NHS, GPs' surgeries are so stretched and they often refuse things like home appointments even where there should be no question of a patient's entitlement. Receptionists can be very good and helpful, but there are some who think their duty is to bar access to the doctors!
Perhaps it would be possible to bypass primary care, ie the GPs, and go straight to mental health services. I've assumed that you are in England, so please correct me if that isn't the case. Mental health services are used to dealing with home appointments.
Try in the meanwhile putting together your own treatment programme with self help books. There are many on the market and you can buy them over the internet. The ones I've found helpful are Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and The OCD Workbook. There are also resources for free on the internet.
Medication can help but some people do get side effects and getting the right one can be a trial and error test. If the right one can be found for you, there should be an immediate improvement in your symptoms once it kicks in, which usually takes about four weeks.
Thank you for replying back to me. Do you take medication? That’s exactly like what I have but it’s becoming so bad that I can barely do anything and then if I make myself and spend the rest of the day asleep as I get so exhausted. I can’t believe my life is going like this. I do want to help myself and I have read a lot in the past and tried to help myself but its ok when I feel strong but when I don’t I just get stuck again.
I am considering medication as I cannot feel like this day in day out. My whole personality is disappearing and I rarely want to see friends so I’m gradually losing them and I would never explain why I cancel. I just pretend I’m busy. There’s so much in this world and my ‘real’ personality wants to do it all! I wish I could lift this off my head and make it go away! I hate it. I thought I was stronger than this! I’m trying to get help privately but no luck so far.
I do take medication. I am on sertraline, and also take a low dose of aripiprazole, which has the effect of boosting the sertraline. I've been on it some years, and before that I took clomipramine, which is very good but did make me feel very dopey.
Do have another go at an antidepressant, as it can make a huge difference. It doesn't have much of an effect for about four weeks, then suddenly it's as though a cloud has lifted. Perhaps try another SSRI and bear in mind that you can feel pretty weird while waiting for the drug to kick in. I remember starting on clomipramine, and it felt as though my head had been removed, stuffed with cotton wool and then put back upside down.
If an SSRI is something you can't tolerate, clomipramine can be helpful. The problem is that it's difficult to get hold of now.
I know how exhausting it is, and I've been where you are now. Try to be open with your friends and tell them about your condition. More people know about OCD now and are sympathetic, and it's even possible that some of your friends have even got OCD themselves! It's such a secretive illness for many people, and better to be open and not lose your friends.
And no need to beat yourself up about not being stronger. It's an illness that fluctuates and you will be able to claim your life back. Be careful if you go private that a therapist is properly qualified and accredited. There are a lot of charlatans out there that just want your money! Perhaps ask about accessing CBT on the NHS, if you are in England, by going direct to your local Community Mental Health Team.
I am in England, yes. And thank you for your kind responses, it definitely helps to say it out loud and receive some encouraging support. I did make to the doctors, almost dragged by my Mum and waited a year for CBT. I have had a couple of appointments but the anxiety of having to go to a medical centre for the appointment often interrupts my willingness to go and I know if it were in a different setting I’d be less stressed. Last week I drove round in circles until I missed the appointment. They were understanding when I finally calmed down enough to call and rebooked the appointment for two weeks time.
When I took Citalipram I remember feeling awful. I lay on the sofa for two weeks straight. Nothing made me laugh and I didn’t cry either. Once the flatness wore off a little I went back to work but I felt so unreal, like I wasn’t myself at all. I’m usually quite a fun/funny person but I don’t think I smiled for 6 months. One day I decided I hated that feeling so much that I threw them in the bin. Bad idea! I got dizzy, hot, nausea, but for some reason I didn’t know why I was feeling like that. I only put two and two together when I told my Mum I’d stopped taking them and she said that I should have weaned myself off them. Then I realised that’s why I’d felt so bad. Anyway I guess that experience put me off. And a little bit of shame too! I feel like I shouldn’t take anti depressants, it feels to me like it’s bad to feel like this when I am so lucky to be healthy, with a great life. I feel guilty that I don’t just enjoy it and make the most of my life. I feel like a spoilt brat for feeling down sometimes instead of full of gratitude. I have so much gratitude, I do so why does this hang over me like a black cloud. Some days I feel great! But I’m still controlled by compulsions and rituals and then it’s the coping and keeping it up that eventually gets too much and then I feel extremely down for a few days. It’s always before my period and then life seems like it’s on hold and I disappear into a bubble until it’s lifted slightly again. It’s just that it seems to get worse with age. I’m 36. I miss my old self! Do you ever feel like that. Hopefully I’ll feel strong again in a couple of days and do some fighting back!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me too. I also have researched extensively about the private help as I have been to people in the past who have no idea but happily took £70 off me a go. And the friendship thing I’m not sure I’ll ever dare do. I don’t know if I believe anyone truly inderstands it unless they’ve had it. Even close family say they do but then get frustrated with me or tell me to pull myself together. I think it’s easier to pretend. Although saying that, I don’t really see anyone anymore. I’m too nervous to show it. I travelled with a friend last year and I arranged to meet her there and leave on a different day. I know she thought it was strange that we didn’t travel together but I found it stressful to travel so to do it with someone that might make me hurry up I thought was worse. But I won’t do it again, to share a room with someone when you have what I have was horrible. So I’m not going this year. Anyway sorry for babbling on! And thanks for listening xx
I've had appointments at home from CBT therapists and other support staff. Perhaps they could do that for you too.
Don't feel that you have no right to feel the way you do. Other organs in the body can go wrong, and the brain, the most complex of all, can also go wrong. People don't have any qualms about taking medication for their heart or kidneys, so why not for their brain?
There's still enjoyment and pleasure waiting for you. Having OCD can make it difficult, but you can take back control.
I note that the OCD is worse just before your period. I've had this as well. I found the pill, when I was on it, helped with alleviating the PMS, and I've also taken vitamin B6 which can also help, and can be bought in a chemist's shop or health food store. It might be worth trying.
Of course no one can really understand OCD if they haven't had it, but people can still be sympathetic and accommodate us. Other people have conditions that we don't, but we still do our best to support them even if we don't know just how it feels for them.
Give those friends a call, say why you were behaving the way you were, and that you'd like to meet up. They could be thinking it's something they've done wrong! My friends know about my OCD, and put up with it patiently.
Hi Bomba - I am on Sertraline also for my OCD and have been for years. Finding a correct (there maybe more than one) medication for ourselves can help tremendously. I heard that SSRI's can mess with our bone density, so I tried going without taking anything for awhile and I was an emotional mess. I agreed to go back on Sertraline and am doing so much better. As far as keeping appointments, that is hard for me also sometimes because I can get so embarrassed about my weird thoughts. You NEED appointments, so do WHATEVER you have to in order to keep them. Take Mum with you, whether she actually goes into the exam room or just waits in the waiting room. We're pulling for you. Maybe you could write your friends a text, email, or even a letter explaining these issues. You might feel better about yourself after you do find an understanding therapist. You don't have anything to be ashamed of though because like Sally said, it is a brain disorder than isn't our fault. I believe that it IS our responsibility to try to help ourselves as much as possible with it, including involving professionals & medication when necessary. We do understand what OCD feels like, so we're rooting for you, and I'm even trying to give you a little push now, to do the right thing for yourself. I said a prayer for you. You need those friends of yours, too. You chose them as friends because you liked their traits and personalities, and they like you, too. Do what you know is right in your head, not what your OCD is telling you. It LIES!!!!!
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